Difficult Family - still 16months to go!

[mysecreteden]

Oh wow, your family is certainly difficult to put it lightly, I can't believe what they are putting you through. If I ever had a family like that, I would like to disown them .

 

Anyways, it great you have things in perspective and hope you have a great wedding

[FutureMrzMalone]

Sorry I didn't read through all the posts, but I agree with a lot that has been said Especially with what African Venus has said. People are Haters by nature and that is how it is. I would forget about them and keep talking about your wedding. What I find interesting is the people that are actually going are giving you crap. You are not forcing them there and if they want to continue to be negative then they can stay at home. That is what I have said to the negative people that have had negative things to stay, keep your comments to yourself, or stay home. They can suffer with this Chicago winter while I am in Jamaica having the time of my life. I hope this gt better for you. Oh BTW You are getting married a week before me. :-) 
 

 

 

Originally Posted by Sunshine2680 

 

So sorry if this has already been posted - I tried to have a peek but couldn't see much that was the same..
and also SO sorry for the length - but I'm getting really upset and need to vent

Ok - soooo...my FI and I got engaged Jan of this year. We decided shortly after to have a Destination wedding in Mexico.
We knew from the get-go that some wouldn't be able to attend due to money issues. We were fine with that - basically adopted the mentality "whomever makes it..makes it..even if its just our parents". So out came the announcement and actually the group booking rate.
Very early indeed - but we got a great deal so we jumped on it. To our surprise so did 30 others! We were shocked at how many booked - especially being 18months out from the wedding (Nov 2012).

Now - on my moms side...I have two cousins and their wives that won't be able to attend. They are early 20's and just don't have the cash. One cousins wife - has been a thorn in my side lately.
I've only posted a handful of wedding-related updates on Facebook (ex:We booked our photographer! or Poolside reception!)...ONLY as my Status - nothing else. And she just can't refrain from saying 'Stop posting about it - we can't go!'

Next - my mom's sister - who IS going - can't help but throw her peanut gallery comments in when anything related comes up
Like: "your looking at wedding magazines ALREADY?!?!"..or "Why are you going to Michaels? to get more crappy wedding stuff?"

Next - my dads sister - who is NOT coming - has been the biggest pain - mostly because she's an adult and you'd think you'd expect some maturity - but apparently thats too much to ask. Ever since we announced destination - all she can ever do is throw her peanut gallery comments in like "Just have the wedding here - so it can be sooner"...or "We have a perfectly good backyard for your wedding!"
NOW...she can't even acknowledge the wedding at all! My cousin (her daughter) mentioned we had booked our photographer and she couldn't even muster a response!!! She just turns her head and ignores the conversation!
SERIOUSLY!?!?!

Now - I'm not expecting the people that can't go - to be jumping up and down with excitement about wedding plans...nor do I even expect them to inquire (though it would be nice) - but what is their problem!?!?! I understand it sucks that they can't make it - but give me a break! I'm NOT shoving my wedding news in their faces whatsoever....but either I'm getting snotty comments or not even acknowledgement that this wedding even exists! We're only 8 months in and 16 to go - and I'm already starting to pull my hair out about it!
My dad is starting to get upset at his sisters actions and is threatening to 'talk to her' about them - but I told him to just hold his tongue for now. The last thing I want or need is drama.
But now I'm starting to get to the point where I feel like I'm walking on eggshells when we're around everyone. I feel like I can't talk freely about wedding plans without upsetting someone or getting the snotty comments or attitude that aren't needed.

Ok - sorry again that was so long. I need to vent  - especially to those who may have gone through this and can offer up some advice.
I know I can't let it get to me - but its easier said than done. What has anyone else done in the past???
It would be one thing to just ignore them - but like I said - I feel like I can't even discuss my wedding around any of them. Which I think is absolutely ridiculous. I'm 30 years old and I've waited my entire life to get married - and now that its happening I have to watch what I say around whom? Give me a break!
Phew - ok..sorry
 

Shutting up now...
Any input would be great thanks!
 

 

[Peach]

Wow! Thank you all for sharing your stories! I am feeling so much better that it is not just me.... though, quite frankly, I do not have it nearly so bad. 

I just got engaged about a month ago, and even before we were, we knew we wanted to do a destination wedding. I knew I did not want to do it in the small town I am from.... my entire family lives there, it is the middle of nowhere, and I only go back about once a year. I did not want it to be all about me - no, not even me, my family - and nothing about him. We love to travel, and so we chose a DW. Let me preface this with saying, FI is an only child, and we are both the first grandchildren on any side to be married. I am the oldest of 4. We have all of our grandparents currently, but my moms dad is going downhill pretty quickly. I knew that my moms parents could not see me get married unless it was in that hometown, which is not an option, so why not go very far away?

Anyway, my mom and I have always had a rocky relationship, we are pretty cool but polite to each other, she is a really really negative person  who I am pretty sure is bipolar but refuses to believe anything is wrong. I have had to place distance between us over the years because of the effect she has had on me and on my relationship with FI - very very toxic.

We knew there would be issues when I told my mom - from the beginning - about having a DW. Very negative comments, and she doesn;t want to contribute any money - fine, but they spend thousands and thousands on my other siblings for much less important events. She refuses to talk to me about my wedding, though to begin with she actually sounded a little excited. I (foolishly apparently) thought that maybe this would help bring us together... all those bonding with mom moments, you know?

I asked her if she wanted us to come visit after we got engaged (in mexico). she said, maybe, if she didn't have something better to do. I asked if she wanted to see the video of our engagement (we had the camera going). Again, oh, if she has time. she is a stay at home mom, for heavens sake! the video is 4 minutes long! Seriously, she doesn;t have time? I have already been told how selfish I am. They go on vacations all the time... and asking them to spend one watching their eldest get married is selfish? really?

I get along very well with FI mom, who IS excited for the wedding. i do not mean to be catty, but I guess I know who I will be spending those mom bonding moments with if this continues. Sigh.

 

Sorry for venting. I do not have it as bad as some of you, I know, and it helps that I can vent about it. FI knows and understands, but reasons that she has always been like this, why am I letting it bother me so much now? 

 

Thank you again for sharing your stories, I am so impressed by how you are handling these difficult situations. 

[stluciabound]

Welcome Peach and congrats on your engagement!! Such an exciting time!!! I am sorry to hear that your mom is acting that way. In a perfect world we of course would hope to have all those special moments to share. Although my mom and I do get along she lives across the country so in that sense I understand how you feel going through everything without her. It's great you get along with your FI's mom, hopefully she lives closer! My best advice to you is to keep moving forward, gravitate towards those who are supportive and as for those who aren't... that is their problem and either they will come around or they won't. Your best power is in not letting it get to you, the debbie downers feed off of feeling like they are getting to you to see if they can "win". The stronger you are the less fun it becomes for them and they will either come over to your side or move onto their next "victim". One of my biggest mistakes was continuing to allow these people around me for so long (I think I just did because I felt sad for my FI that his family was acting so awful). They stole the first 9 months of my engagement, but I have 8 months left and no one is going to get me/us down! Don't make the same mistake I did. I do hope your mom comes around. As it gets closer hopefully the sentimenal feelings will win her over. If not, you have a second mom to depend on and love. Best of luck to you and happy planning!! You have come to the right place to learn, vent, plan, and get excited!!!!

Originally Posted by Peach 

Wow! Thank you all for sharing your stories! I am feeling so much better that it is not just me.... though, quite frankly, I do not have it nearly so bad. 

I just got engaged about a month ago, and even before we were, we knew we wanted to do a destination wedding. I knew I did not want to do it in the small town I am from.... my entire family lives there, it is the middle of nowhere, and I only go back about once a year. I did not want it to be all about me - no, not even me, my family - and nothing about him. We love to travel, and so we chose a DW. Let me preface this with saying, FI is an only child, and we are both the first grandchildren on any side to be married. I am the oldest of 4. We have all of our grandparents currently, but my moms dad is going downhill pretty quickly. I knew that my moms parents could not see me get married unless it was in that hometown, which is not an option, so why not go very far away?

Anyway, my mom and I have always had a rocky relationship, we are pretty cool but polite to each other, she is a really really negative person  who I am pretty sure is bipolar but refuses to believe anything is wrong. I have had to place distance between us over the years because of the effect she has had on me and on my relationship with FI - very very toxic.

We knew there would be issues when I told my mom - from the beginning - about having a DW. Very negative comments, and she doesn;t want to contribute any money - fine, but they spend thousands and thousands on my other siblings for much less important events. She refuses to talk to me about my wedding, though to begin with she actually sounded a little excited. I (foolishly apparently) thought that maybe this would help bring us together... all those bonding with mom moments, you know?

I asked her if she wanted us to come visit after we got engaged (in mexico). she said, maybe, if she didn't have something better to do. I asked if she wanted to see the video of our engagement (we had the camera going). Again, oh, if she has time. she is a stay at home mom, for heavens sake! the video is 4 minutes long! Seriously, she doesn;t have time? I have already been told how selfish I am. They go on vacations all the time... and asking them to spend one watching their eldest get married is selfish? really?

I get along very well with FI mom, who IS excited for the wedding. i do not mean to be catty, but I guess I know who I will be spending those mom bonding moments with if this continues. Sigh.

 

Sorry for venting. I do not have it as bad as some of you, I know, and it helps that I can vent about it. FI knows and understands, but reasons that she has always been like this, why am I letting it bother me so much now? 

 

Thank you again for sharing your stories, I am so impressed by how you are handling these difficult situations. 

 

[AllieH]

ok ladies - apparently this is a common thing?! 

 

Peach - your story sounds similar to what I'm going through. We've chosen Nov 2012 as our date also, and are still working on the resort and other decisions. I (mistakenly) thought giving them 15 months notice to plan and save would be a helpful & thoughtful thing. Silly, silly me! 

 

My family (and a couple of close friends) are riding the drama llamas about our decision to have a DW. "It's just too difficult to go to Mexico" (2 hour flight?!?!). "Why can't you make this convenient for us?" (umm, sooo not about you!). Those two are from my mother. "I hope you're prepared to be the only two there." "A destination wedding is all about you - don't try to pretend that it's a nice vacation for everyone else." I just don't get it! 

 

Then there's the drama of the dress shopping - I live in a major market (DFW), and they live in podunk, USA. My mom & my sister don't understand why I don't want to go dress shopping at home. Hello! More choices here! So a friend of mine is flying in from halfway across the country to go shopping with me. 

 

That's just the tip of the drama and negativity. I'm so over it.  At this point, I'm not even talking to my own mother about it; I won't bring it up with her again, but would be happy to talk with her about it if she brings it up. 

 

It just makes me more resolved to go to Mexico and have a dreamy wedding, and amazing vacation with our friends - many of whom are CRAZY excited to go. Some folks I wouldn't have thought would be so excited are, super pleasant surprise. Those are the friends I talk to about the wedding. 

 

So hang in there ladies - we're all in this together. Ban the drama llamas! 

 

 

 

 

[Sunshine2680]

Wow - Peach - don't downplay what you're going through. I would be heartbroken too if that was my mom. But on the other hand my mom and I are quite close.
Even still - your mom is your mom and it still stings when she shows little or no interest in something that is special to you..whether it be your engagement..or wedding..etc.
I feel so bad for you - but glad you came here to vent. We ALL need it if we're going to keep our cools till the big day!
Chin up! Focus on the people who do care about your wedding...and feel the slight satisfaction that they'll all feel some sort of guilt when the day actually arrives.
 

Originally Posted by Peach 

Wow! Thank you all for sharing your stories! I am feeling so much better that it is not just me.... though, quite frankly, I do not have it nearly so bad. 

I just got engaged about a month ago, and even before we were, we knew we wanted to do a destination wedding. I knew I did not want to do it in the small town I am from.... my entire family lives there, it is the middle of nowhere, and I only go back about once a year. I did not want it to be all about me - no, not even me, my family - and nothing about him. We love to travel, and so we chose a DW. Let me preface this with saying, FI is an only child, and we are both the first grandchildren on any side to be married. I am the oldest of 4. We have all of our grandparents currently, but my moms dad is going downhill pretty quickly. I knew that my moms parents could not see me get married unless it was in that hometown, which is not an option, so why not go very far away?

Anyway, my mom and I have always had a rocky relationship, we are pretty cool but polite to each other, she is a really really negative person  who I am pretty sure is bipolar but refuses to believe anything is wrong. I have had to place distance between us over the years because of the effect she has had on me and on my relationship with FI - very very toxic.

We knew there would be issues when I told my mom - from the beginning - about having a DW. Very negative comments, and she doesn;t want to contribute any money - fine, but they spend thousands and thousands on my other siblings for much less important events. She refuses to talk to me about my wedding, though to begin with she actually sounded a little excited. I (foolishly apparently) thought that maybe this would help bring us together... all those bonding with mom moments, you know?

I asked her if she wanted us to come visit after we got engaged (in mexico). she said, maybe, if she didn't have something better to do. I asked if she wanted to see the video of our engagement (we had the camera going). Again, oh, if she has time. she is a stay at home mom, for heavens sake! the video is 4 minutes long! Seriously, she doesn;t have time? I have already been told how selfish I am. They go on vacations all the time... and asking them to spend one watching their eldest get married is selfish? really?

I get along very well with FI mom, who IS excited for the wedding. i do not mean to be catty, but I guess I know who I will be spending those mom bonding moments with if this continues. Sigh.

 

Sorry for venting. I do not have it as bad as some of you, I know, and it helps that I can vent about it. FI knows and understands, but reasons that she has always been like this, why am I letting it bother me so much now? 

 

Thank you again for sharing your stories, I am so impressed by how you are handling these difficult situations. 

 

[countrybride]

Sunshine,

 

I totally can feel your frusteration. I was at that same spot back in the spring of pure and totally family frusteration. Everyone expecting you to adjust your! day for them. I must say the best thing I did was just decide to not care. Do exactly what you want to do. Do not make exceptions for going away and people not being able to afford it. Prior to booking our DW we asked our parents (mine are divorced and re married) and the siblings the people who were most important to us if it was cool and then booked. Not to long after my Mother decided it was too expensive and she didnt like the resort, our TA, my dress or anything pretty much and it no longer coming. It was easy to get down in the dumps about it. But you  need to hit a point and say whatever and do everything for you and you fiance! That is who this is about and the people who are bringing negativity into your guys's special day dont deserve to be a part of what is going on.

 

I hope it all works out for you. and just remeber who this is really about. this is the only day that we get to make completely about us as a couple!

 

 

[Sunshine2680]

Thanks Countrybride! Well said!
I'm starting to develop the 'i don't care' attitude...and if they have an issue - they'll just have to get over it!

[FutureMrzMalone]

Ladies I agree that we are all in this together. My family has been along for the ride, but they have not been honest. They would say , "oh yes I am going" but when it was time for them to book their rooms only about four memebers did and left my FI and stuck paying the balance of the rooms they weren't booked(EVEN after we explained this to them that we would have to pay and to let us know if they could not pay the deposit) No one said a thing and we ended up shelling out 1200.00. Oh and  Friends!!!! HA!!! Don't even get me started on those. LOL I really am finding out who my real friends are  because a woman I THOUGHT was a really great friend explained to me that she would not be attending because when she goes on trips she takes week long trips, and since she can't stay a week she's just not gonna go at all. (She had class and didn't want to miss class if she stayed a week, I understood that, that is why the option was for her to stay 4 days and 3 nights and that way she wouldn't miss any class.... BUT NOPE!!! ) Wasn't good enough for her. I asked her " So you won't come for those 3 days to see me get married and her response was "nope I will see you guys when you get back" <sigh> Sorry ladies just wanted to vent. I hope things get better for everyone. :-)

[Sunshine2680]

Never apologize for venting - thats what this forum is for - because I know my FI is already sick of hearing me vent about my wedding woes. LOL
Best thing is - we can ALL relate
You're right - you do really find out who your real friends are in situations like this. I had one of my oldest best friends tell me from the get-go "I will make sure I'm at that wedding - I'd do whatever it takes!"...yet when it was time to book - she retreated bigtime saying they couldn't afford it. Which is fair to some degree - cuz it would cost them about $5000 for the 4 of them to go - but I really wish she didn't guarantee me she'd be there. I got my hopes up and it was a huge let down. She said she felt bad - and of course I couldn't be angry at her - it was just a huge let down. Don't make promises you can't keep!