Difficult Family - still 16months to go!

[Sunshine2680]

 

So sorry if this has already been posted - I tried to have a peek but couldn't see much that was the same..
and also SO sorry for the length - but I'm getting really upset and need to vent

Ok - soooo...my FI and I got engaged Jan of this year. We decided shortly after to have a Destination wedding in Mexico.
We knew from the get-go that some wouldn't be able to attend due to money issues. We were fine with that - basically adopted the mentality "whomever makes it..makes it..even if its just our parents". So out came the announcement and actually the group booking rate.
Very early indeed - but we got a great deal so we jumped on it. To our surprise so did 30 others! We were shocked at how many booked - especially being 18months out from the wedding (Nov 2012).

Now - on my moms side...I have two cousins and their wives that won't be able to attend. They are early 20's and just don't have the cash. One cousins wife - has been a thorn in my side lately.
I've only posted a handful of wedding-related updates on Facebook (ex:We booked our photographer! or Poolside reception!)...ONLY as my Status - nothing else. And she just can't refrain from saying 'Stop posting about it - we can't go!'

Next - my mom's sister - who IS going - can't help but throw her peanut gallery comments in when anything related comes up
Like: "your looking at wedding magazines ALREADY?!?!"..or "Why are you going to Michaels? to get more crappy wedding stuff?"

Next - my dads sister - who is NOT coming - has been the biggest pain - mostly because she's an adult and you'd think you'd expect some maturity - but apparently thats too much to ask. Ever since we announced destination - all she can ever do is throw her peanut gallery comments in like "Just have the wedding here - so it can be sooner"...or "We have a perfectly good backyard for your wedding!"
NOW...she can't even acknowledge the wedding at all! My cousin (her daughter) mentioned we had booked our photographer and she couldn't even muster a response!!! She just turns her head and ignores the conversation!
SERIOUSLY!?!?!

Now - I'm not expecting the people that can't go - to be jumping up and down with excitement about wedding plans...nor do I even expect them to inquire (though it would be nice) - but what is their problem!?!?! I understand it sucks that they can't make it - but give me a break! I'm NOT shoving my wedding news in their faces whatsoever....but either I'm getting snotty comments or not even acknowledgement that this wedding even exists! We're only 8 months in and 16 to go - and I'm already starting to pull my hair out about it!
My dad is starting to get upset at his sisters actions and is threatening to 'talk to her' about them - but I told him to just hold his tongue for now. The last thing I want or need is drama.
But now I'm starting to get to the point where I feel like I'm walking on eggshells when we're around everyone. I feel like I can't talk freely about wedding plans without upsetting someone or getting the snotty comments or attitude that aren't needed.

Ok - sorry again that was so long. I need to vent  - especially to those who may have gone through this and can offer up some advice.
I know I can't let it get to me - but its easier said than done. What has anyone else done in the past???
It would be one thing to just ignore them - but like I said - I feel like I can't even discuss my wedding around any of them. Which I think is absolutely ridiculous. I'm 30 years old and I've waited my entire life to get married - and now that its happening I have to watch what I say around whom? Give me a break!
Phew - ok..sorry
 

Shutting up now...
Any input would be great thanks!
 

[MJKH]

Well, I'll trump that and tell you that I'm 40 years old and have waited my entire life to get married! ; )

 

We too, made it very clear right from the start that we knew most of our loved ones would not be able to join us for one reason or another.  We gave them a heads up about our at-home reception right away, and told them that we looked forward to celebrating with them at this later date.

 

My FI and I have never been "wedding" people, but we've certainly wanted to be married.  Both sides/parents were offering money...telling us that they just wanted to see us married.  We love to travel, we LOVE Mexico...we told them "this is what we want to do" and they've been supportive.  They've also been respectful of our very private/practical nature and don't ask a whole lot of questions...which is GOOD, because I want people to be surprised with lots of things that will be happening that week!  I created a Facebook "group" with details for all of our guests...those coming and those who will not be coming all have access to the info.  However, I don't put day to day activity/information about the wedding on my FB...but that's just me.  I'm not interested in random comments from the peanut gallery.  What a shame that they are making it tough though for you to share your joy with those that really ARE interested in where you are at with your planning!  

 

I read a comment from a bride earlier today about feeling like ever since they announced they're having a DW, that people are avoiding them.  I certainly feel that way with my brother.  He's the oldest (I have 2 younger sisters as well), and he has yet to board the party plane for Mexico.  I respect that he's a homebody...they're not big into travel...and his boys have lots of hockey commitments in the winter.  But, COME ON...it's ONE FREAKIN' WEEK I'm asking for!  Money is not the issue for them...and to make matters worse, I worry that there is a lot of tension between him and my SIL over this whole issue.  She told me the other day that "some people from this house will be coming, we're just not sure what that will look like yet".  She's totally on board, as is my 9 year old niece.  Ugghhh...I'm so mad at my brother for being a dink about this.  We nearly lost my dad to an aneurysm earlier this year...my three siblings and their partners are done having children...we have no plans for kids...I just think, what an opportunity for us all to get together, celebrate family and marriage...taking family photos all together (which we have NEVER done).  I could cry just thinking about it...

 

But, I continue to try to keep everything in perspective.  We KNOW that this DW is right for us, and sooooo look forward to sharing the week with family and friends (and having the week after at the resort all to ourselves).  I have heard every reason under the sun for why people can't come, and that's totally ok with me.  No pressure, no worries.  It's funny though how some people just ramble on and on about why they can't come...kinda like I'm doing now...

 

Anyway, would I love my brother and nephews to be at the wedding?  ABSOLUTELY!  But I won't beg, plead, or make anyone feel guilty...he has to do what's right for him.

 

So thanks for letting me rant...we will continue to just shake our heads and say "what's wrong with people?!?"...ughhh!  

 

 

[cherany]

That stinks, both stories.  I'm in the early planning stages and, at this point, have only told a couple of people there is going to be a wedding, but I know there will be drama down the road.  Each of us have family members we plan not to invite, and some who are invited are unlikely to come, but likely to be angry with us for choosing a DW.  The way we see it, that's one of the biggest reasons to have a DW: so those people won't be there!  We only want people there whose reaction is, "Wouldn't miss it for anything!  We'll find a way."

[BrideDee]

Cherany has a really great attitude and I couldn't agree more!  My FI and I chose a DW to leave all the negativity and drama behind, far far away in another country.  So while all the Negative Nellies are stuck in the Northeastern winter, the rest of us are partying in a mansion in Costa Rica!  You just have to put it in perspective sometimes - a DW is the best way to weed out drama-causing family members!

[JayKay]

First of all, just remember that it is your wedding and its your special day to do with and make it however you want!  And the only people that need to be there are you and your FI.

 

We went through similar events with people in regards to our DW.  We knew that we would have backlash from people who wanted us to get married in Canada.  I am the first grandchild on my dads side of the family and I have heard tons from his family that we should be having our wedding at home so that everyone can come and that we are being selfish for asking people to pay so much money to come with us.  At first it really bothered me but now I don't really care because its my FI and I wedding and we are going to be there getting married and who ever comes comes.

 

Just remember that you will always have people saying and doing negative things, even if you were having your wedding at home!

 

Originally Posted by Sunshine2680 

 

So sorry if this has already been posted - I tried to have a peek but couldn't see much that was the same..
and also SO sorry for the length - but I'm getting really upset and need to vent

Ok - soooo...my FI and I got engaged Jan of this year. We decided shortly after to have a Destination wedding in Mexico.
We knew from the get-go that some wouldn't be able to attend due to money issues. We were fine with that - basically adopted the mentality "whomever makes it..makes it..even if its just our parents". So out came the announcement and actually the group booking rate.
Very early indeed - but we got a great deal so we jumped on it. To our surprise so did 30 others! We were shocked at how many booked - especially being 18months out from the wedding (Nov 2012).

Now - on my moms side...I have two cousins and their wives that won't be able to attend. They are early 20's and just don't have the cash. One cousins wife - has been a thorn in my side lately.
I've only posted a handful of wedding-related updates on Facebook (ex:We booked our photographer! or Poolside reception!)...ONLY as my Status - nothing else. And she just can't refrain from saying 'Stop posting about it - we can't go!'

Next - my mom's sister - who IS going - can't help but throw her peanut gallery comments in when anything related comes up
Like: "your looking at wedding magazines ALREADY?!?!"..or "Why are you going to Michaels? to get more crappy wedding stuff?"

Next - my dads sister - who is NOT coming - has been the biggest pain - mostly because she's an adult and you'd think you'd expect some maturity - but apparently thats too much to ask. Ever since we announced destination - all she can ever do is throw her peanut gallery comments in like "Just have the wedding here - so it can be sooner"...or "We have a perfectly good backyard for your wedding!"
NOW...she can't even acknowledge the wedding at all! My cousin (her daughter) mentioned we had booked our photographer and she couldn't even muster a response!!! She just turns her head and ignores the conversation!
SERIOUSLY!?!?!

Now - I'm not expecting the people that can't go - to be jumping up and down with excitement about wedding plans...nor do I even expect them to inquire (though it would be nice) - but what is their problem!?!?! I understand it sucks that they can't make it - but give me a break! I'm NOT shoving my wedding news in their faces whatsoever....but either I'm getting snotty comments or not even acknowledgement that this wedding even exists! We're only 8 months in and 16 to go - and I'm already starting to pull my hair out about it!
My dad is starting to get upset at his sisters actions and is threatening to 'talk to her' about them - but I told him to just hold his tongue for now. The last thing I want or need is drama.
But now I'm starting to get to the point where I feel like I'm walking on eggshells when we're around everyone. I feel like I can't talk freely about wedding plans without upsetting someone or getting the snotty comments or attitude that aren't needed.

Ok - sorry again that was so long. I need to vent  - especially to those who may have gone through this and can offer up some advice.
I know I can't let it get to me - but its easier said than done. What has anyone else done in the past???
It would be one thing to just ignore them - but like I said - I feel like I can't even discuss my wedding around any of them. Which I think is absolutely ridiculous. I'm 30 years old and I've waited my entire life to get married - and now that its happening I have to watch what I say around whom? Give me a break!
Phew - ok..sorry
 

Shutting up now...
Any input would be great thanks!
 

 

[Sunshine2680]

Hi guys- thanks so much for your replies - Its good to know I'm not the only one in this situation.

And you're all right - its what we want that matters - but it still doesn't make our family get togethers any easier. I knew there would be 'cranky' people when this DW was announced - but i genuinely thought they'd have their 5 min of bellyaching and be done with it!

i'm just getting to the point of fed up. they definitely aren't making me feel bad about having a DW - and I'm not even having and AHR either. But what they are doing is making what supposed to be one of the most exciting periods of my life - miserable. I'm almost at the point where I'm going to lose my s**t on them or just stop going to family get togethers...or blocking people from FB.
Its sad to say - but I honestly dont think I can put up with another 16months of this. Its so juvenile.
And whats worse - is the aunt thats being the total cow  is the mother of the cousin whom I was MOH for 2yrs ago..and I basically lived and breathed her wedding. I poured every ounce of blood sweat and tears into giving her everything perfectly and this is the friggin thanks i get?? I'm not even askin her to be 'excited' - but the least she can do is show a bit of interest or support!
Guess thats too much to ask .

 

Oh well - my parents are actually gettin to the point of fed up also - and are thinking of sitting down with my dads sister to nicely 'put her in her place'
We'll see what happens!

Thanks again for everyones input! My thoughts go out to the other brides who are dealing with all their own family dramas too.

Glad there's forums like these to vent and actually have others who genuinely UNDERSTAND!!

[JayKay]

I really hope things work out alright!!

 

Originally Posted by Sunshine2680 

Hi guys- thanks so much for your replies - Its good to know I'm not the only one in this situation.

And you're all right - its what we want that matters - but it still doesn't make our family get togethers any easier. I knew there would be 'cranky' people when this DW was announced - but i genuinely thought they'd have their 5 min of bellyaching and be done with it!

i'm just getting to the point of fed up. they definitely aren't making me feel bad about having a DW - and I'm not even having and AHR either. But what they are doing is making what supposed to be one of the most exciting periods of my life - miserable. I'm almost at the point where I'm going to lose my s**t on them or just stop going to family get togethers...or blocking people from FB.
Its sad to say - but I honestly dont think I can put up with another 16months of this. Its so juvenile.
And whats worse - is the aunt thats being the total cow  is the mother of the cousin whom I was MOH for 2yrs ago..and I basically lived and breathed her wedding. I poured every ounce of blood sweat and tears into giving her everything perfectly and this is the friggin thanks i get?? I'm not even askin her to be 'excited' - but the least she can do is show a bit of interest or support!
Guess thats too much to ask .

 

Oh well - my parents are actually gettin to the point of fed up also - and are thinking of sitting down with my dads sister to nicely 'put her in her place'
We'll see what happens!

Thanks again for everyones input! My thoughts go out to the other brides who are dealing with all their own family dramas too.

Glad there's forums like these to vent and actually have others who genuinely UNDERSTAND!!

 

[mrsbruff2b]

The best advice I was ever given that saved me a lot of grief was "Don't post anything wedding related on Facebook."  Nothing. Period. When people ask, just say you're in the planning process or  that you'll keep them posted.  I understand the excitement, but keeping everything on the down low will help with snarky comments.

[MJKH]

Totally agree!  What we did do, however, was rather than having a wedding website, I created a "private group" on FB for only family and friends invited to the wedding...and early on in the process posted booking details, information about the area we're travelling to, possible excursions, etc.  That seemed to work well and because I'm on FB daily, it was easy to maintain.  I also didn't feel pressured to fill in information about how we met, our honeymoon plans, who our attendants are, etc.  But that's what worked for us...we're just more private that way.    

[Sunshine2680]

Ya- I actually did do that - only had peopl einvited to the wedding added to the group - but of course those are the same people who are giving me grief - so that didn't much help matters. lol
oh well. I'll just delete the innappropriate comments as they come and if they ask me why i'll just nicely tell them that I only prefer positive input regarding the wedding.
As snooty as this sounds - i dont feel like i shoudl have to contain my excitement about something wedding related just for other people's sake. If they don't like seeing it - they can hide me from their newsfeed - or simply don't look at my profile. I'm not going to accommodate those 2% who have an attitude problem when the other 98% want to share in my excitement.
 

Originally Posted by MJKH 

Totally agree!  What we did do, however, was rather than having a wedding website, I created a "private group" on FB for only family and friends invited to the wedding...and early on in the process posted booking details, information about the area we're travelling to, possible excursions, etc.  That seemed to work well and because I'm on FB daily, it was easy to maintain.  I also didn't feel pressured to fill in information about how we met, our honeymoon plans, who our attendants are, etc.  But that's what worked for us...we're just more private that way.