How to include a negative mother in planning?

[adias.angel]

Hey all,

Well I am back again about my mom *sigh*.

 

I posted a while ago about my mother having a fit over our Mayan ceremony (http://bestdestinationwedding.com/forum/t27198). She has continued to be negative anytime I sugguest something that is not white lace in a church.

 

Well I thought we had shared everything with her that she could make snide comments about, wrong. We decided to have our engagement pictures done in Chicago. So I sent her a link to a photographer we fell in love with, Laurie Peacock (Website Blog). She wrote back to let me know she didn't like the pictures. Everyone else I sent them to loved them.

 

I get all excited about something and then she rains on my parade. If she is going to keep doing this how I am suppose to keep her in the wedding plans? Ever since my dad died a couple years ago she has regressed to a child that throws tantrums when things are not going her way or when she is not the center of attention.

 

How do I keep including her while still keeping my sanity? Carla

[lil_miss_frogg]

First things first...and I'm sure you've been told this many times.....it's your wedding, do what you want. Second...I went to the photagraphers site and the pictures are amazing. Third...If I were you I would tell my mom how I was feeling, the raining on your parade, and tell her that you would like to include her in the planning of your big day, but if she continues to act like a two year old you will have to exclude her and that's not what you want to do. Put your BIG GIRL PANTIES ON AND TELL HER LIKE IT IS! I love that saying....my mom always tells me that. Keep us updated!

[YoursTruly]

I agree with lil frog. There is another saying "Once a Parent and twice A Child". That said, you recognize the source of your mom's tantrums and the reason for it so at times, this behavior can be overlooked. But it seems that your mom has the tendency to go overboard. At some point you need to simply put, reign in that behavior. Straight Talk comes for Straight Understanding--Do trust if you lovingly set mom straight and nudge her when she gets out of pocket, your relationship will hopefully become smoother. I wish you well.

[DanielleNDerek]

I can understand that your mom is dissappointed that you arent getting married in a church but she needs to get over it because that's not what will make you and your fi happy. And in the end, that's most important. I think your mom is just being difficult about the photographer because your not having the wedding she dreamt you would have, there's just no way she could not like the photographers work. her pics are stunning. I think you should have a sit down with your mom let her know how important it is that you have the wedding of your dreams and you want her to be there through the planning process but her being negative is making you upset. She should be happy your happy.

[sunsetbride1]

Sometimes mothers can be difficult... It's hard when the child becomes the parent and the parent becomes the child.

 

I agree with everyone else... I would sit your mother down for a real tough love heart to heart. Tell her that you love her and value her opinion; but need her to support you even if you don't incorporate her vision into your wedding planning. And if that doesn't work, tell her if she has nothing positive/supportive to say; then don't say anything at all.

 

I will echo sentiments voiced on BDW many times over; this is your wedding.. make it your vision. Those that love you will be happy when it's all said and done; because you are happy by having the celebration of your dreams.

 

Hang in there!!! I completely understand when it comes to difficult mothers.. (mine isn't even coming to my wedding nor does she have anything to do with it!).

[Simistar]

Sigh

 

I too have tread these negative mom waters:-)

 

The thing with my mom is, I don't even thinks she knows how negative she's being!

 

My mother also wanted the whole white lace/church scenario...she eventually came 'round to the DW idea, but was like, can't you make the ceremony religious for your ol' mom? I was like...ummm...No.

 

At first, whenever she said something negative, I would just let it slide...

But about a month ago, I can't remember what she was being negative about this time, but I basically snapped and told her she wasn't being helpful and that while I understand this is not how she would get married, or how lots of people even would want to get married, it's how WE want to get married. So please deal with it and stop stressing me out! :-)

 

She's been better since then, though STILL finds things to passively-aggressively complain about...(i.e. " you really want THAT kind of guestbook? ")

I'm sure you know what I mean :-)

 

In the end, (we get married in about two weeks)...I don't think I've included her as much as I would have otherwise. Who wants to hear something negative about something you're so excited about? Whether it be the photographer, or the guestbook? :-)

 

I gave her our welcome dinner to plan, since I don't really care how that looks or what the food is. I think that helped her feel included...and since I left all the decisions up to her, I didn't have to deal with her raining on my decisions:-)

 

Is there something like this you can let yoru mother do/plan...? Maybe she'll feel more included AND it will keep her busy and off YOUR back! :-)

[adias.angel]

Thank you ladies, you give great advice. Well I guess I will "put my big girl panties on" and talk to her tonight. My FI built her a new computer so we have to go see her anyway. Cross your fingers for my ladies! Carla

[DanielleNDerek]

BTW Carla my grandparents thought i was crazy for having a DW they didnt understand why i would want to go away and not get married at home. Well we just got back from the wedding and my granparents thanked us countless times for having a DW because they had the best time and it was the best vacay they ever had. They want to go back and got a whole bunch of pamphlets from the resort to give to other friends and family that didnt go. I wouldnt be surprised that if your mom is against it now but likes it the most when she gets there.

[lil_miss_frogg]

Quote:

Originally Posted by adias.angel Thank you ladies, you give great advice. Well I guess I will "put my big girl panties on" and talk to her tonight. My FI built her a new computer so we have to go see her anyway. Cross your fingers for my ladies! Carla

Good Luck.....Hope your "big girl panties" aren't too big for ya! HAHAHA! I LOVE that saying. It's almost time for me to start telling my daughter that....she's 8 and is always throwing tantrums. Again...Good Luck...Keep us posted!

[adias.angel]

Quote:

Originally Posted by DanielleNDerek BTW Carla my grandparents thought i was crazy for having a DW they didnt understand why i would want to go away and not get married at home. Well we just got back from the wedding and my granparents thanked us countless times for having a DW because they had the best time and it was the best vacay they ever had. They want to go back and got a whole bunch of pamphlets from the resort to give to other friends and family that didnt go. I wouldnt be surprised that if your mom is against it now but likes it the most when she gets there.

I hope so. She was pretty ok with the going away part because she knows I hate being the center of attention in a large crowd but its the details she seems to give me the most trouble over. Basically if its not boring and traditional she tells me she doesn't like it. I have come to the point where I started taking her opinions with a grain of salt and go ask my sister, FSIL, FMIL and a couple friends. They always tell me the truth and they never agree with my mom.