Mother has problem with non-christian ceremony. HELP!!

adias.angel · 08-14-2008, 07:43 AM

Someone tell me this is all going to work out...

My FI and I were both super excited at the prospect of a Mayan wedding. We love the history of it and the connection to nature. Both of us were raised in a Christian homes but neither of us are practicing anymore.

We told both our moms this past week that we were considering a Mayan ceremony. My FMIL actually accepted the news well (I love that woman) but my mother on the other hand kept her mouth shut until today. My mother emails this morning to let me know that she won't consider us married unless it is in a Christan Ceremony!!! Something about making a promise to god is the only way to really be married. My mother knows I HATE the religion I was raised in and I resent the fact they don't allow women to speak in the church or hold office. Yet she wants me to go back to a place I was treated like a second class citizen.

I have gone from super excited to on the verge of tears. I swore I would never set foot back in a place like that. Has anyone gone through anything like this?? HELP!!! Carla

Morgan · 08-14-2008, 07:48 AM

I say just do it. it's not right to force one's religious beliefs on someone else. I think she will get over not considering you married. maybe if you want to compromise you can have a blessing afterwards or something like that. but, I think the ceremony needs to reflect you & your FI & your feelings about marriage.

marriage to us was a committment to each other, not God. We didn't have a religious ceremony. I guess a preacher noticed this, because at dinner he came over to our table to bless our marriage. so I guess we are covered :)

*Heather* · 08-14-2008, 07:51 AM

I agree with Morgan - just do it. Besides, who really cares if your mother considers you married? As long as the two of you consider yourselves committed to each other, that's all that really matters. We aren't doing a religious ceremony either and thank goodness we haven't gotten any crap about it from anyone! We both come from pretty non-religious families.

yamille · 08-14-2008, 07:52 AM

I have not gone through this but I can offer you my advice.

I think that you need to sit down with your mom and have a real conversation about this. Deep down I'm sure that your mom wants your wedding day to be a happy day for you- which means that it should be how you envision it not how she wishes it to be for you.

Weddings seem to stir up lots of family/friend issues and you have ample time before your day to work through it. I know I'm working on some issues with my family but not related to the actual wedding. I see it as a new beginning and this could be a way for you to change the way you communicate with your mom. JMO though...

oh yeah.. It will all work out.

adias.angel · 08-14-2008, 07:58 AM

Thank you! You guys are the best!

My sister just emailed back. Her exact words were "If mom don't like it she can stay in Michigan". I love my sister!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Morgan

I think she will get over not considering you married. maybe if you want to compromise you can have a blessing afterwards or something like that.

I did present this to her as we were thinking of doing this anyone for my FMIL family. I can't wait to see her response. I am hoping an earful from my sister tonight will help my mom face facts.

Bianca · 08-14-2008, 08:08 AM

This would irk me soooo much. You need to clarify what Morgan said! Your wedding is about the commitment between you and your future husband, it does not have to be a promise to God. I understand that marriage was originally a religious practice, but that's not what it necessarily is today. It is more about the union between two people that love each other and want to share their lives together.

Your mother needs to learn to accept your beliefs. Her choice of religion is not the only choice. You need to make that it clear to her that you have chosen to practice or not practice your faith in a different manner and would love for her to share this special day with you in the manner that you think is best for your FI and you. Don't let her talk to you into anything you don't want to do. This is about YOUR wedding and whether she chooses to "consider" you as married or not is her problem bc you and your FI will be very much married after your perfect destination wedding!

IslamoradaBride · 08-15-2008, 08:43 AM

Both FI's parents and mine have given us huge guilt trips to try to get us to be married by a priest. (FI's family wants it in a Catholic church; my parents want my brother, who is an Episcopal priest, to do the ceremony.) He is atheist and I am agnostic so we are holding firm. Why go through something that is against your belief system and that would be just for show anyway? Our little compromise is that we are having my brother do a blessing at the end of the ceremony.

Even then, 4 months in, the families are still pressing and I imagine they will continue to do so up until the minute we say our vows. To me it shows a lack of respect for us and our beliefs. Honestly, the next time they bring it up, I am going to be a little ugly about it. It's not up for discussion, end of story. Every time they raise the issue, that will be mine and FI's answer.

Agape Gems · 08-15-2008, 09:12 AM

I always say a wedding is about what the bride and groom want and no one else! But I just want to offer a different perspective on this... Your parents want what's best for you, and in their eyes I'm sure they feel that you need God in your life and in your ceremony. If they had a baptism or dedication service for you when you were a baby, they took a vow of their own to God to teach you to be a good Christian. So they may not be intending to be disrespectful to you, they are just standing by their beliefs in hopes that you will "see the light" or see it their way. They probably think they are doing what is best for you.

Personally, I think you should have whatever kind of ceremony you want. Maybe you could have your mother or father read a scripture (of your choosing) so they feel included. Or if you decide to go with a religious ceremony could it be Christian with out being your specific denomination?

You might also remind your mother that the Bible says that once a child is married she is to cleave herself from her parents b/c her husband is her new family....

Yari · 08-15-2008, 09:31 AM

I am so sorry you are going through this.

I understand that you want to please your mother, but sometimes you have to do what you want. I know it's hard, trust me I have dealt with this myself, but it must be done.

We are Catholic, but since my FI was married in the church for his first wedding, I am not able to. It has made me sad, but I have dealt with it and so have my parents.

When I started to develop the ceremony last month, I was so shocked at how much religion is being tied in. I really liked it.

Are you opposed to throwing some prayers in the mix? Perhaps that will appease your mom. If you like I would be more than happy to send you my ceremony so you can take a look.

Good luck with everything!

adias.angel · 08-15-2008, 10:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IslamoradaBride

Both FI's parents and mine have given us huge guilt trips to try to get us to be married by a priest. (FI's family wants it in a Catholic church; my parents want my brother, who is an Episcopal priest, to do the ceremony.) He is atheist and I am agnostic so we are holding firm. Why go through something that is against your belief system and that would be just for show anyway? Our little compromise is that we are having my brother do a blessing at the end of the ceremony.

IslamoradaBrida,
Sorry you are going through this too. My FI are both agnostics also with Catholic family on one side and Lutheran on the other. It is not an easy compromise.

I do have one saving grace and that is my sister. She was so excited that we had chosen such a unique ceremony where everyone could participate. My sis was so mad about my mom's behavior that she gave my mom a stern talking to last night about how my father was an agnostic and he would have approved. Don't happen to have a sibling to take your side do you?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Yari

Are you opposed to throwing some prayers in the mix? Perhaps that will appease your mom. If you like I would be more than happy to send you my ceremony so you can take a look.

We are both agnostic and don't want to add anything to the ceremony that would feel "fake" to us; knowing it was something we add for someone else and not something we believe in. Thank you so much for the suggestion though, it was a good idea.