Wedding Shower and Destination Weddings - Who is invited, who is not?

I hope someone else can share in my pain! We live in NY. Family lives in MI. 

We are having our wedding in the DR, and only inviting a small number of people - immediate family and close friends. It's already stirring up politics (with mom) that we don't want to invite extended family even though the odds that none would even be able to afford to go are very high.

After the wedding, we are going to have a reception/BBQ in MI, where EVERYONE will be invited. These invitations will go out with a wedding announcement post-wedding. 

So what about a shower? My mom wants to throw a shower in MI. I've read that it is not good practice to invite people to a shower that are not also invited to the wedding. However, they will be invited to the home reception/BBQ. But the proposed timing would be that the shower would happen before the invitation for the BBQ went out. 

Is this kosher? What are you thoughts on showers and a small invite list to a destination wedding?

Help!

Originally Posted by IronMona 

 

I hope someone else can share in my pain! We live in NY. Family lives in MI. 

 

We are having our wedding in the DR, and only inviting a small number of people - immediate family and close friends. It's already stirring up politics (with mom) that we don't want to invite extended family even though the odds that none would even be able to afford to go are very high.

 

After the wedding, we are going to have a reception/BBQ in MI, where EVERYONE will be invited. These invitations will go out with a wedding announcement post-wedding. 

 

So what about a shower? My mom wants to throw a shower in MI. I've read that it is not good practice to invite people to a shower that are not also invited to the wedding. However, they will be invited to the home reception/BBQ. But the proposed timing would be that the shower would happen before the invitation for the BBQ went out. 

 

Is this kosher? What are you thoughts on showers and a small invite list to a destination wedding?

 

Help!

I feel your pain on the awkward factor surrounding showers and a small destination wedding. It's such a catch 22. Extended family and acquaintances get upset because they weren't invited to the wedding. But then if you invite them, they are put off because they think you are just looking for a gift. And that's something else that kind of bugs me. I would ONLY say this on here where other brides would understand where I'm coming from, but don't you fee like you might be getting the short end of the stick when it comes to wedding gifts? I don't want any gifts from people attending the wedding, their presence truly is all the gift I could ask for. But for people not attending, I feel like there's this attitude of "I'm not attending your wedding, so why would I get you a gift?". And it might be all in my head...but I feel like I wouldn't feel so weird about the gift thing if I was having a traditional local wedding. 

I've also heard that you don't invite people to a shower unless you invite them to the wedding. So my thinking is, I will ask my mom and sister to word the invitation as less of a "shower" wording and more like a "send off the happy couple to become husband and wife". And my mom brought up a good point. Traditional wedding etiquette doesn't always transfer to a destination wedding. If everyone knows your having a DW, I would think that it would be ok to invite them to a local party (shower or AHR) to give them the chance to celebrate with you guys. 

IMO, yes, asking people you are not inviting to your wedding to attend your shower, my sound like you want the best part of both worlds, a inexpensive wedding and all the gifts you would have gotten if you would have getting married at home. We have to remember that wedding presents are in fact something that we get from our guest to help us cover or recover from the wedding expenses. 

I would definitely be upset of being invited to a shower (for a gift) and not being important enough to get invited to your wedding. I had a BIG engagement party, and I will invite everyone that attended the party, I know of course that not everyone is going to come, maybe a third or less...

I will also pass on having a bridal shower since the meaning of a bridal shower or "send off the happy couple" is to give presents to the couple.  I also decided on not to have a registry, many people say I should still have it but I really feel that having a register or honey moon wish registry is asking people that are attending my wedding to spend money on a present, or, why would I ask people to help me have a honey moon after they have spend so much money attending my wedding, not even if they are coming to at AHR. I feel the HM should be the couple's expense's, not my family and/or guest. 

Originally Posted by Kasey04 

I feel your pain on the awkward factor surrounding showers and a small destination wedding. It's such a catch 22. Extended family and acquaintances get upset because they weren't invited to the wedding. But then if you invite them, they are put off because they think you are just looking for a gift. And that's something else that kind of bugs me. I would ONLY say this on here where other brides would understand where I'm coming from, but don't you fee like you might be getting the short end of the stick when it comes to wedding gifts? I don't want any gifts from people attending the wedding, their presence truly is all the gift I could ask for. But for people not attending, I feel like there's this attitude of "I'm not attending your wedding, so why would I get you a gift?". And it might be all in my head...but I feel like I wouldn't feel so weird about the gift thing if I was having a traditional local wedding. 

 

I've also heard that you don't invite people to a shower unless you invite them to the wedding. So my thinking is, I will ask my mom and sister to word the invitation as less of a "shower" wording and more like a "send off the happy couple to become husband and wife". And my mom brought up a good point. Traditional wedding etiquette doesn't always transfer to a destination wedding. If everyone knows your having a DW, I would think that it would be ok to invite them to a local party (shower or AHR) to give them the chance to celebrate with you guys. 

Here is another question for the brides that are not inviting everyone to the ceremony....(Finally I have found some recent brides on here that are in the same boat as we are!).....We decided to only invite immediate family and very close friends to Jamaica with us. Our wedding package only includes 20 people. We will be paying $80.00 per person extra for anyone over the 20 guests. That really can add up. My FI comes from quite a large family (almost 90 including aunts/uncles and first cousins) He decided to only invite his godmother and godfather and their significant others. I sent out an email inviting all of my aunts/uncles/cousins knowing that only a few if any would attend the ceremony in Jamaica. My parents still wanted me to extend the invite. We are planning on having an AHR about a month after we return....our guest list for this is already at almost 300 people. I know most people would not come to the ceremony, and I just can't fathom sending out invites to 300 people and end up having 100 people decide they would like a vacation and decide to come...(highly unlikely, but still!!) So we made the final decision to only invite certain people. I think I have around 60-70 guests invited, but we know for sure some are not going to be able to make it! Now I'm going back and forth on what I should do for my save the dates and invites. I feel like there is no way around sending out different ones to everyone. I can't send one invite with the ceremony invite and the at home reception invite on one since we aren't inviting everyone. I'll also have to send out certain save the dates for the ceremony, then AHR STD's to all 150 guests. Is there anyway around this? Have you guys already decided on what your doing for yours and how your going to save the money doing them? I'm planning on DIY for at least some if not most of the invites and STD's....although I'm going back and forth on which style I like....ex: luggage tags, passports, postcards. There are seriously too many decisions! I hadn't even thought about the showers yet! Eeeeek! Any feedback or opinions would be greatly appreciated!!

I hope someone else can share in my pain! We live in NY. Family lives in MI. 

 

We are having our wedding in the DR, and only inviting a small number of people - immediate family and close friends. It's already stirring up politics (with mom) that we don't want to invite extended family even though the odds that none would even be able to afford to go are very high.

 

After the wedding, we are going to have a reception/BBQ in MI, where EVERYONE will be invited. These invitations will go out with a wedding announcement post-wedding. 

 

So what about a shower? My mom wants to throw a shower in MI. I've read that it is not good practice to invite people to a shower that are not also invited to the wedding. However, they will be invited to the home reception/BBQ. But the proposed timing would be that the shower would happen before the invitation for the BBQ went out. 

 

Is this kosher? What are you thoughts on showers and a small invite list to a destination wedding?

 

Help!

If you have to ask if this is Kosher or not than something is probably not sitting right with you.  I believe that the etiquette is  that any female invite to the shower must be invited to the wedding.  It does get complicated when you live in one place and your family lives in other, and so on.  People get very funny about not being invited to weddings but then you worry that they will be offended or feel pressured to attend if you invite them.  In your situation I think you should keep the shower small and invite only the women you are invited to your DW.  The AHR is not a wedding so it's not not a loophole to invite more people to your shower.  Or you can just invite everyone to your DW and let them decline.  I personally think its always best to be gracious and extend an invitation and put it on them to decline.  You run the risk of everyone showing up but realistically it won't happen.  

If you have to ask if this is Kosher or not than something is probably not sitting right with you.  I believe that the etiquette is  that any female invite to the shower must be invited to the wedding.  It does get complicated when you live in one place and your family lives in other, and so on.  People get very funny about not being invited to weddings but then you worry that they will be offended or feel pressured to attend if you invite them.  In your situation I think you should keep the shower small and invite only the women you are invited to your DW.  The AHR is not a wedding so it's not not a loophole to invite more people to your shower.  Or you can just invite everyone to your DW and let them decline.  I personally think its always best to be gracious and extend an invitation and put it on them to decline.  You run the risk of everyone showing up but realistically it won't happen.  

great advice!

@@loquaciouspunky.. Thank you!   I've noticed that people get really funny about weddings an etiquette.  I always believe its best to be gracious, extend an invitation and let them decline put it on them.