Guest list questions

Hello everyone :-)

I have an enormous family.  Huge.  This is exactly the reason that a destination wedding is for us. Our destination wedding will likely have 50-60 guests, and that is going to be considerably smaller than anything we could have had in the states

Despite the fact that very few of my large family will actually attend our Mexican wedding due to finances and young children, we are sagely preparing our budget as if every invitation we send will be accepted.  To limit the list, I will only send invitations to my aunts and uncles even though I would rather my adult cousins have the opportunity to attend our wedding and though they are more likely to be able to attend than the aunts/uncles... I had to make a hard-nosed cutoff somewhere.  We are planning to have an informal get-together at home sometime after the wedding.

I am sending every aunt and uncle an invitation despite the fact that I do not expect 90% of them to attend.  The point here is that I could not invite some (but not all) without risking hurt feelings.

So I have 2 questions regarding invitations and/or save-the-dates:

1.  I don't care, however I will likely be considered 'hoity-toity' for having a destination wedding.  I do not expect or demand that any of my extended family come, I am only sending the invitations because I want them to know that each aunt and uncle have been considered equally.  That said, I want to give my guests an "easy out" so that they do not feel uncomfortable or pressured to join us.  I figured I would say something to the effect of "I understand that not everyone will be able to join us on our big day so we will be having a small reception when we return".  I feel like I should put this on the Save-the-Date so that people know my expectation level right up front.  Thoughts on timing or wording?  

2.  I will address these invitations to my aunts and uncles however if the can not attend but wanted to give their seat to their children/my adult cousins, that would be ok with me.  Essentially 2 members from every family are invited.  Though I don't really care which 2, it can not exceed that number.  Is it even possible to communicate this? 

I look forward to your responses.  All this planning can be so worrisome but I can be thick-skinned about my decisions so long as I feel like I am doing the "correct" thing.

Best,

Kelly

I also have a huge extended family and for that reason chose a destination wedding.  What we did was send out an invitation to each aunt and uncle and addressed it to their names and family (I didn't want to send one to each of my cousins individually as that would have been too costly and we knew mostly all woudln't come anyhow).  I don't know if it would be appropriate to put only 2 guests per family.  If you expect 90% wont come then maybe you could compromise and have say 4 members from one family and none from another, that is if more then 2 want to come from the same family.  I also think its a great idea to put on your invitation that you will be having an AHR so people don't feel so bad saying no.  That being said, there are tons of examples on here of people who have included the wording on their RSVP cards.  Maybe you could do something like that. 

 

Originally Posted by kllyjansen 

Hello everyone :-)

 

I have an enormous family.  Huge.  This is exactly the reason that a destination wedding is for us. Our destination wedding will likely have 50-60 guests, and that is going to be considerably smaller than anything we could have had in the states

 

Despite the fact that very few of my large family will actually attend our Mexican wedding due to finances and young children, we are sagely preparing our budget as if every invitation we send will be accepted.  To limit the list, I will only send invitations to my aunts and uncles even though I would rather my adult cousins have the opportunity to attend our wedding and though they are more likely to be able to attend than the aunts/uncles... I had to make a hard-nosed cutoff somewhere.  We are planning to have an informal get-together at home sometime after the wedding.

 

I am sending every aunt and uncle an invitation despite the fact that I do not expect 90% of them to attend.  The point here is that I could not invite some (but not all) without risking hurt feelings.

 

So I have 2 questions regarding invitations and/or save-the-dates:

 

1.  I don't care, however I will likely be considered 'hoity-toity' for having a destination wedding.  I do not expect or demand that any of my extended family come, I am only sending the invitations because I want them to know that each aunt and uncle have been considered equally.  That said, I want to give my guests an "easy out" so that they do not feel uncomfortable or pressured to join us.  I figured I would say something to the effect of "I understand that not everyone will be able to join us on our big day so we will be having a small reception when we return".  I feel like I should put this on the Save-the-Date so that people know my expectation level right up front.  Thoughts on timing or wording?  

 

2.  I will address these invitations to my aunts and uncles however if the can not attend but wanted to give their seat to their children/my adult cousins, that would be ok with me.  Essentially 2 members from every family are invited.  Though I don't really care which 2, it can not exceed that number.  Is it even possible to communicate this? 

 

I look forward to your responses.  All this planning can be so worrisome but I can be thick-skinned about my decisions so long as I feel like I am doing the "correct" thing.

 

Best,

Kelly

Hmmm.  Ok I was in the same situation as you.  I have 11 uncles and aunts, 37+ first cousins, and too many 2nd and 3rd cousins to count.  That's on my dad's side alone, and they're all here in the U.S., in NYC, and most live within a 15 block radius of one another.  My mom's family all live in Dominican Republic, where we are getting married (thankfully they live on the other side of the country and I'm not close with them at all).  So...I felt completely obligated to invite every single aunt/uncle from my dad's side since I live in the NYC area and see them often, and at bare minimum 1st cousins which most are married, with kids.  We simply couldn't afford it.  We decided to go with a destination wedding because it was always my dream and I could also honor my parents in some way by having it in their homeland, and obviously it would be more affordable.  My dad told me I HAD to invite every single aunt/uncle with their families from his side, even despite the knowledge most couldn't attend due to finances/work schedules/child care.  You know what?  I also had to make the hard decisions and decided, NOPE.  I'm only inviting those that I'm truly close with, and if they go, great, if not, then whatever.  If they want to celebrate my marriage and wish me well, they can send a card with well wishes or give me & FI a warm hug to congratulate us.  I don't even expect a gift, it's completely fine.  My dad isn't very happy with my decision, but we are paying for our own wedding and we have all the say in the decisions made.  I also knew I would be considered hoity-toity but I just couldn't let that weigh me down. Besides..invitations can be expensive, so why would I want to pay the extra invitation $'s on people I know for a fact are not going?  

My FI thinks I'm not nice by not inviting my extended family.  I just tell him if he wants them there than he can pay for it from his half of the budget, lol.    By the way, I'm sadly not inviting most of my mom's family.  I'm only inviting 1 of her sisters which she talks to frequently and my cousin (the sister's daughter) and their respective spouses.  I doubt that they'll be able to make it because it will be very expensive.  This is also a bit hard-nosed of me, but I didn't want to spend my entire wedding by awkardly making conversation with a bunch of people I haven't seen in over 15 years...not to mention the language barrier since they only speak spanish and most of my guests only speak english.  AWKWARD!  lol. 

Good luck!
 

Originally Posted by kllyjansen 

Hello everyone :-)

 

I have an enormous family.  Huge.  This is exactly the reason that a destination wedding is for us. Our destination wedding will likely have 50-60 guests, and that is going to be considerably smaller than anything we could have had in the states

 

Despite the fact that very few of my large family will actually attend our Mexican wedding due to finances and young children, we are sagely preparing our budget as if every invitation we send will be accepted.  To limit the list, I will only send invitations to my aunts and uncles even though I would rather my adult cousins have the opportunity to attend our wedding and though they are more likely to be able to attend than the aunts/uncles... I had to make a hard-nosed cutoff somewhere.  We are planning to have an informal get-together at home sometime after the wedding.

 

I am sending every aunt and uncle an invitation despite the fact that I do not expect 90% of them to attend.  The point here is that I could not invite some (but not all) without risking hurt feelings.

 

So I have 2 questions regarding invitations and/or save-the-dates:

 

1.  I don't care, however I will likely be considered 'hoity-toity' for having a destination wedding.  I do not expect or demand that any of my extended family come, I am only sending the invitations because I want them to know that each aunt and uncle have been considered equally.  That said, I want to give my guests an "easy out" so that they do not feel uncomfortable or pressured to join us.  I figured I would say something to the effect of "I understand that not everyone will be able to join us on our big day so we will be having a small reception when we return".  I feel like I should put this on the Save-the-Date so that people know my expectation level right up front.  Thoughts on timing or wording?  

 

2.  I will address these invitations to my aunts and uncles however if the can not attend but wanted to give their seat to their children/my adult cousins, that would be ok with me.  Essentially 2 members from every family are invited.  Though I don't really care which 2, it can not exceed that number.  Is it even possible to communicate this? 

 

I look forward to your responses.  All this planning can be so worrisome but I can be thick-skinned about my decisions so long as I feel like I am doing the "correct" thing.

 

Best,

Kelly

If many of my relatives were in the same continent I'd probably do as the others above, but mine are overseas so they wouldn't attend a DW.

1. I had the exact same goal as you: to invite people so that they would feel included, but also to give them another option in the likely event that they don't want to travel.  We sent out save-the-dates with a link to our wedding website, and here's the wording I used on the website:

Wedding Ceremony & Reception
The ceremony and reception will be at the Ana y Jose Beach Club in Tulum, Mexico on the evening of Saturday June 8th, 2013.  The ceremony will be held on the beach, with dinner and dancing to follow. 

At Home Reception
Because travel is not possible for everyone, our parents will be hosting a reception in Maryland on Sunday June 23rd, 2013 (location TBD).  If Maryland is more convenient for you than Mexico, please come celebrate with us there instead. 

2. I can think of two options here.  Option #1: Address the invitations to "The Smith Family".  On your RSVP card, write that "2 seats have been reserved for you".  That way, the aunts, uncles, and cousins can choose amongst themselves who wants to attend.  Option #2: Invite all the aunts, uncles, and cousins, but make it super clear to everyone that there will be a get-together at home and that they are under no obligation to travel to your destination wedding if they don't want to.  Whether or not Option #2 will work depends on the culture of your family — in some families an invitation to a wedding is practically a mandate to attend, and in others people feel perfectly find not attending if it's inconvenient.  You'll know best.  

This is our wording on our website: 

Although it would be fantastic to have all of our loved ones there as witnesses, we understand that limitations exist. For those that are unable to join us, it is our hope that you look south on our special day and think a happy thought for us, wishing us well as we begin our new lives together. 

We have not decided 100% if we're having an AHR or not, so I don't bother mentioning it. We're also been given some flack for having a DW too. People need to realize it's an invitation, not an obligation. We aren't twisting anyone's arm!

Quote:

Originally Posted by cinnagirl 

We're also been given some flack for having a DW too. People need to realize it's an invitation, not an obligation. We aren't twisting anyone's arm!

You know, this is what I thought too at the beginning of the planning process.  But after many conversations with my family, I came to realize that while I may think this way, my fiancé may think this way, and most of our generation may think this way, the older relatives just don't.  For them, it would be rude to not attend a wedding, even if it's far away and expensive to get to.  I can explain to them all I want that it's an invitation and not an obligation, but somewhere in the back of their mind they'll still be feeling a little uncomfortable. 

That said, this may be particular to my culture or my family.  And no matter what you do, you're never going to make everyone happy.  But I just wanted to say that it's not always as simple as "people need to realize it's an invitation, not an obligation". 

Originally Posted by jello 

 

 

You know, this is what I thought too at the beginning of the planning process.  But after many conversations with my family, I came to realize that while I may think this way, my fiancé may think this way, and most of our generation may think this way, the older relatives just don't.  For them, it would be rude to not attend a wedding, even if it's far away and expensive to get to.  I can explain to them all I want that it's an invitation and not an obligation, but somewhere in the back of their mind they'll still be feeling a little uncomfortable. 

 

That said, this may be particular to my culture or my family.  And no matter what you do, you're never going to make everyone happy.  But I just wanted to say that it's not always as simple as "people need to realize it's an invitation, not an obligation". 

True, I shouldn't have made it seem like it was so cut and dry because it's not. For us it's the opposite, all the older folk are stoked to come. They can't wait to spend a week away and keep telling us again and again how excited they are. It's the young folk, the people we have invited around my age group that are giving us a hassle. They're so used to last minute cheap deals on 3 star hotels and groupons that they argue with us over our quotes. They are the ones that feel put out and feel like we must be charging them our wedding costs on top of their resort prices (no lie, someone said this). Anyways, you're right, it's not always that simple. Everyone's family dynamics are so different.

There was a lot of drama in my family about who to invite or not invite... anyway, I am not inviting ANYONE in my family, save parents and siblings, and FI's family is all invited. Anyway, we did boarding pass save the dates; on the first page was our basic information, and the back page was just this note, similar to one on our website:

We are exchanging vows in a tropical paradise, under the sun, with the turquoise sea as our backdrop and white sand beneath our feet. While we would be honoured to have you share this special day with us, we certainly understand that it may not be a reality for some, and we know that your thoughts and well-wishes will be with us. We are also planning an at-home reception upon our return, and would love to see you then. We hope that you are able to mark your calendars for our dream wedding!