Honoring someone stuck at home

Okay, FI and I are sold on a DW, and we picked a resort in DR, though we have not booked yet. His family is totally supportive; mine have trouble with the idea of not having a huge family thing (we are planning on doing AHR, but since my family is pretty religious, it is not the same apparently.) I can deal with the drama, except.... my grandma practically raised me. She is one of the most special people in the world, and so very important to me. I am closer to her than anyone in my family (except my sister - my moh). My grandma will not be able to come to my wedding, since she will not travel without my grandpa, who is too sick and old to go anywhere. 

It is the only thing holding me back from enjoying this initial planning stuff. Is there anything I can do, besides having the AHR? My grandma is so sweet, but she is heartbroken that she will not see me get married. I am going to show the wedding video at the AHR. Is there anything you lovely ladies can think of that might make her feel included? I thought of maybe carrying a picture of her and my grandpa on their wedding day in my bouquet. They will be celebrating their 66 anniversary while we are in DR (two days after our big day, actually!)

I was in the same predicament.  My grandma means everything to me, but due to health reasons she can't fly.  It was really hard when we decided to have a DW and knew she woudln't be there.  I will have a picture of my grandma attached to my bouquet.  She also gave me a handkercheif from when she got married that I will keep with me (still haven't decided where to put it) on my wedding day. 

 

Originally Posted by Peach 

Okay, FI and I are sold on a DW, and we picked a resort in DR, though we have not booked yet. His family is totally supportive; mine have trouble with the idea of not having a huge family thing (we are planning on doing AHR, but since my family is pretty religious, it is not the same apparently.) I can deal with the drama, except.... my grandma practically raised me. She is one of the most special people in the world, and so very important to me. I am closer to her than anyone in my family (except my sister - my moh). My grandma will not be able to come to my wedding, since she will not travel without my grandpa, who is too sick and old to go anywhere. 

It is the only thing holding me back from enjoying this initial planning stuff. Is there anything I can do, besides having the AHR? My grandma is so sweet, but she is heartbroken that she will not see me get married. I am going to show the wedding video at the AHR. Is there anything you lovely ladies can think of that might make her feel included? I thought of maybe carrying a picture of her and my grandpa on their wedding day in my bouquet. They will be celebrating their 66 anniversary while we are in DR (two days after our big day, actually!)

I would love to hear some ideas! I guess that is the downside to a destination wedding i guess... i love the idea of having something from them with you on the day!

My grandparents don't travel anymore either, and while they are very close to me, I know they are pleased that I will have loved ones with us.  My sister and a close friend are due right around the time of our wedding, so I've been struggling with this also.

This is definitely a personal decision and one you need to make sure you are deciding for YOU - not both of you, but you.  You know yourself and are the best one to decide what's most important!  I think it also depends on why you decided to have a destination wedding - for us, it was because I grew up in Iowa, he grew up in Brooklyn and we live in NYC with family/friends scattered everywhere.  It may be different to decide/communicate to them if you grew up very near your fiance. And, finally, outside of family - will those most important be there with you?  We're really close with our 'family of friends' so this helped me decide as well.

My solution - I'm planning to live webcast our wedding, and my aunt who lives nearby will have my grandparents over for coffee/dinner to watch.  It can be set up with various companies, I'm still deciding which to use, but skype, facetime are good starting points, and then there are companies who actually have packages for this.  I've also seen some resorts that provide this as part of their package. 

I'm also considering using that to have a video chat with my grandma and sister while I'm getting ready.  If there is wireless at your reception, you could have someone hold up an iPad to do the same for your first dance, or a toast where you mention them.  

A few other things we're planning/considering: 

- It's a family tradition for us to carry one of my grandmother's hankerchiefs, so that will be tied into my bouquet.  I'm thinking around the base of it, my sisters did that and it looked really pretty, but TBD.

- we're not having dancing at our AHR but we may do a dance and ask my grandparents to join (my grandma used to teach couples dance classes)

- adding something to our ceremony to honor those who aren't with us due to 'life's middle moment's' - it's been a theme of our wedding, since we're asking people to meet us in the middle - oddly enough, the Riviera Maya is between Iowa/NYC!

- I'll bring my dress to my grandparents, so she can see it in person

- I'm thinking of asking to borrow some of her lace tablecloths to have those on various tables 

I am wondering about the webcast.... They do not own a computer or anything, but I think my great aunt, who lives in the same town, might. Have to see...

I am also playing with the idea of asking her to come gown shopping with me. I really want her to, but that would involve some travel too, and she might not be able to, and then be more hurt about that. I will definitely bring the dress for her to see, though. - Thank you for that idea!

Many BDW brides, including myself, have the legal ceremony at home. The DW would then be the religious/symbolic ceremony. In almost every case, this was just to avoid additional costs and filing of documents. I chose to not really give any weight to the legal ceremony. My (then) FI and our 2 witnesses (his 2 friends) showed up to city hall in shorts and flip flops. We didn't exchange rings or anything. I didn;t change my name until after the DW.

However, I have read posts from others who invited some people in their lives to join them at the civil ceremony and turned it into more of a milestone. If you choose to do the legal thing at home, you could invite your grandparents to be your witnesses or to simply be a guest. Then you could go out to dinner/lunch and turn the experience into a nice occasion.

This is a great idea, We have thought about this, but if we do this, and make a big deal about it, we know no one will come to our actual wedding.... since we would then be doing the legal day, and an ahr, it is like, what is the point of a DW? Why not just use it as just a honeymoon. We are the first ones to do a DW, so people don;t really 'get' it... maybe this is one to keep in mind though. The other problem is that my family is quite religious, and if we did the legal thing at home, they would not feel right about it not being in a church anyway, and then it would be a big thing, which was one of the reasons we were avoiding it to do a DW..... grrrr!

I have heard of brides who did this, and think it is lovely. I wish it could work for us, because that would be perfect if only it could! Thank you for the suggestion. 
 

Originally Posted by jmastr05 

Many BDW brides, including myself, have the legal ceremony at home. The DW would then be the religious/symbolic ceremony. In almost every case, this was just to avoid additional costs and filing of documents. I chose to not really give any weight to the legal ceremony. My (then) FI and our 2 witnesses (his 2 friends) showed up to city hall in shorts and flip flops. We didn't exchange rings or anything. I didn;t change my name until after the DW.

 

However, I have read posts from others who invited some people in their lives to join them at the civil ceremony and turned it into more of a milestone. If you choose to do the legal thing at home, you could invite your grandparents to be your witnesses or to simply be a guest. Then you could go out to dinner/lunch and turn the experience into a nice occasion.

 jmastr05 - thanks for the suggestion! We have been going back and forth between a symbolic and legal ceremony, and i think we have finally decided to get legally married at home first..mostly just to save the hassle of getting married in mexico (the idea of bloodwork in mexico kinda freaks me out:)

I think we may just have my nana (who wont be able to attend the wedding) and my parents (as my inlaws are 10 hrs away) no dress or exchanging rings as i still want my DW to be my actually wedding day(in our hearts) but to have that moment with my nana i think she will love.

In terms of telling people i think we will tell a few close people but otherwise keep it to ourselves as i dont want anyone to feel cheated, or that they are spending money when we are already married.

Peach- i am so sorry that you couldnt do it this way, if you feel it would be meaningful to you. I totally get the church thing! Good for you for doing a DW in the first place and doing what you want:)

I have read posts from other BDW brides who have done just what you are suggesting: have a handful of people at the legal ceremony at home, but still treat the DW like the real wedding. I certainly felt that my DW was our actual wedding day in our hearts, as you so aptly put it, and all of our guests did too. That day absolutely felt like like it had 100% of the meaning and importance.

 

Originally Posted by KatieJ 

 jmastr05 - thanks for the suggestion! We have been going back and forth between a symbolic and legal ceremony, and i think we have finally decided to get legally married at home first..mostly just to save the hassle of getting married in mexico (the idea of bloodwork in mexico kinda freaks me out:)

I think we may just have my nana (who wont be able to attend the wedding) and my parents (as my inlaws are 10 hrs away) no dress or exchanging rings as i still want my DW to be my actually wedding day(in our hearts) but to have that moment with my nana i think she will love.

In terms of telling people i think we will tell a few close people but otherwise keep it to ourselves as i dont want anyone to feel cheated, or that they are spending money when we are already married.

Peach- i am so sorry that you couldnt do it this way, if you feel it would be meaningful to you. I totally get the church thing! Good for you for doing a DW in the first place and doing what you want:)

I hear ya all on the legal / symbolic / religious wedding - my family is Catholic and doesn't quite understand either - they've been calmed that we do plan on doing a blessing, probably the weekend of our AHR.  And, we're not having anyone at our legal - we're viewing that as a necessary piece of paperwork (our take is everyone goes to get the marriage certificate, so why should it be a big deal if we have to do one more legal step since we're getting married internationally?!)  

Best of luck to you deciding Peach - just have the conversation with your Nana, she loves you and if a destination wedding is best for you, I'm sure she'll want you to have it and will think of you during it!!