Awkward wedding/roommate situation

I got a Save the date about 3 weeks ago for a Wedding that's on Oct 10th. The formal invites havent gone out yet. And the girls bridal shower was 2 weeks ago so the invites for that had to be sent out before the STDs, I wasnt invited to the shower so i have no idea when they were actually sent out. I know around me a lot of people don't send STDs out, this is the 2nd one i've gotten out of all the weddings i've been invited to and one of those STDs was for a DW. So it is common around here to get a shower invite before the wedding invite. I wouldnt RSVP to the wedding until you get an actual invite in the mail. I know you guys wont be living with each other soon but do you have any interest in staying friends with her at all after they move out? If you do than i would go to her shower and invite her to your wedding.

The facebook thing is totally weird, maybe she doesnt realize its not private.

Just goes to show that facebook has blurred the lines in what is appropriate information sharing online or not.

I'm just trying to chalk it up to them just having a weird way of dealing with things, and being constantly tethered to their computers. That's just the way we function, as much as it makes me ashamed of my generation. But it really does seem incredibly tacky to me.

FI and I aren't traditional by any means but there are still some aspects of a wedding that seem like they deserve more respect than making it a facebook event. But that's just my opinion.

It's also possible I'm only noticing how odd this situation is because I'm planning a wedding too and know how things are normally done. It definitely has made me more critical of other weddings(not to sound mean, I just couldn't think of a better word than critical, still working on my first cup of coffee)

Facebook definitely has blurred the "what's appropriate" boundaries. Some people don't really think about privacy, because really, sometimes we don't have much anymore since so much info is on the internet. I think it's a good idea to maybe "assume the best" and chalk it up to them doing things differently. It keeps it stress-free for you and no sense adding more things onto your plate if it's not necessary.

I would ignore the facebook RSVP and wait until she either asks or you have an official invite in hand. Now whether to attend the shower is completely up to you. Typically I would think it would be rude to invite someone to the shower and not the wedding. It's like "hey- give me a present!" I'd also assume that she gave names to whoever is throwing the shower as people to invite. So I'm assuming that you are also invited to the wedding. But hey- you never know these days because people are kinda wonky.

I guess we just have to choose a lesser of the two evils(I feel terrible calling their wedding that) so it's either just wait for an invite and if it never comes just not go and risk them being offended, or risk them feeling like we're inviting ourselves.

I think I'll go with just waiting it out. If they don't tell people where or when it is before they expect them to RSVP, it should be kinda expected that people may have other plans and can't come.

As far as the bridal shower, I'm not going to request it off from work so if I get scheduled, there's my easy out(awful I know) and if I am off that day, I'll go because she has been my friend since we were 7, I haven't seen her family in awhile, and if nothing else, it's free food

The FB thing is bizarre! I thought that it was really bad etiquette to invite someone to a shower and then not invite them to the day?!

If I was you I would get a few beers in for everyone and start a conversation about how you're finding it hard to narrow down your guest list for your DW. Then you could bring it round to how she managed to choose and maybe slip in the fact that you're thrilled to have got the shower given that things are a bit tense. Hopefully that could then lead to talking about the wedding and you could mention that she's not definitely invited you. Syaing it jokily could allow you to get away with it without being too confrontational as well!

good luck with it!

Hmm...it seems to me that they tried to invite people to their wedding via facebook and so they requested addresses to send actual invitations -- the OP didn't respond, but in fairness they are roommates so she shouldn't have to. Then they (someone) sent shower invitations, probably because the shower usually precedes the wedding. It sounds to me that you are invited, they just chose a less orthodoxed way of doing it. They also probably figured that since you guys live together, that a mailed invite was not necessary (I wouldn't send an invitation to my mom, after all). I would just ask her straight up if you are invited because you never got an invitation to the wedding. Let her say yes or no. If she wants to be wierd about it, the seriously that is her problem. People need to learn to be clear.

I don't think you were supposed to RSVP on facebook. I think they used facebook to get addresses of people to send the invitations. What is unclear is whether she simply taking for granted that you live together and that you will just tell her in passing that you are coming, or if she took your non-response to facebook as a decline and didn't send you an invitation for that reason? I would just ask her in this instance -- no bad etiquette here as she definately did not follow the etiquette rules here either.

So, just a quick update.

Last Saturday was her shower and as a gesture of goodwill, I went. Our other roommate went too and we got her a present from both of us, just a bunch of kitchen stuff off their registry. Nothing too crazy.

She seemed pretty surprised to see us, and even more surprised that we brought her something.

So while she was opening the card with our present, she commented on the shimmery envelope the card was in and how her invitation envelopes were like that too. Then her mouth drops open and she looks up at us and says, oh my gosh I forgot to get you guys your invitations, I figured I wouldn't send them since we live together and I don't know where they went. We just laughed it off, and the past week has been better even at home. No snide remarks or avoidance, I think us going to her shower made the difference.

So I guess now I know to expect it. Even though it would be nice if I had the invitation by now so I can know when it is considering October is next month. But oh well.

I feel bad for picking it apart so much, especially on here.

But hey, that's what we ladies do right? Especially when it comes to weddings.