What to say to friends that are not invited?

At first I was planning a local wedding of 200 people. When I did the math, the cost was just way too much for my FH and I to handle. We decided on a DW to keep costs down and invite only our closets family and friends. I definately feel bad to have to tell a lot of people they are not invited, but honestly, it is money thing, not a personal thing and if people want to get offended because I am not "balling out of contol", then really, that it not my problem. To appease, I may have a very small gathering before I go for those who don't get an invite/can't make it, but I really like the idea of a DW and so that is my priority.

 

To Troy'sBride: That is awful that they would challenge you to justify your wedding choices. In fairness, I didn't fully appreciate the costs of a wedding until now that I am planning it myself. For me it is strictly a budget constraint and not that I value them any less. You have to cut the line someone and you chose how you chose and that is that; don't feel bad about it.

I am so glad to find this post! Just last week my mom informed me that two of my cousins (and their families) were thinking of coming. This would be okay except that I wasn't planning on inviting them! I'm lucky if I talk to these people once a year, yet they just assumed that they would be invited. When my mom tried to use money as the reason that we are limiting our guests my aunt offered to pay.

It's really not about the money, it's about wanting a small, intimate wedding with only those who are closest to us. I hadn't even wanted to invite aunts and uncles but gave in to that. Not only do I not want to give in again, but the beach where we want to have the ceremony will not allow enough room to invite cousins...and if I invite one I have to invite them all.

Now I never even suggested that they were invited but they think that they are. What is the best way to inform them that I am not able to include them?

Thanks for the advice!

For those who haven't booked yet and this is a concern, consider selecting a resort where you pay for the wedding package and not per head, such as at the Riu Resorts. The thought of selecting which friends I liked best broke my heart so I kept this in mind when selecting my resort.

I'm currently in this same stage. We have decided the only way we can afford a wedding is to do a destination. Now I'm not sure how to tell our friends and family! Do you send different invitations? We plan to have 1 -2 smaller "gatherings" post wedding in our home towns-- do you just not invite people to the actual wedding? Do you invite everyone and keep your fingers crossed they don't show? How do you word all of this in an invitation? I'm getting worried about this step....

I would strongly advise against inviting everyone and hoping they won't show -- I have heard of too many times when that back fires and once you invite someone, you can't un-invite them without completely assaulting etiquette. For the people who don't know you are getting married and you can't accomodate, just don't send them an invite. If someone realizes they are not invited and asks you why, just say you are having a small ceremony and unfortunately you can't invite anyone. It sounds cut throat, but it is just that. And I think most people will understand and not be offended. Those that are probably never planned a wedding or clearly have no sense of what it means to be on a budget or have no appreciation of the fact that some people just simply want an intimate wedding and not a circus. Those are the people who are really not worth worrying about anyway.

Im telling my best friends they can come even though my fiance is only bringing his best friends (who are also in the wedding party) its still going to be small and I have a feeling some of the people who I invite arent going to come even though for now they say they are.....the only thing I am concerned about is with the ceremony being so small and my dad paying for my fiance and I, we are going to try to foot the bill for a dinner or something afterwards...and I dont think I can afford to cover costs for whoever feels like coming and bringing guests...eek..so im just going to wait and see who rsvp's and make my plans from there..we might have to have a beach party/bbq style thing after the ceremony if thats possible..

I am inviting everyone to be fair. They invited me to theirs, I should give them a chance to decide for themselves. If they dont want to come, no hard feelings. If they do decide to come, the more the merrier. We are inviting about 150 people. I am not inviting anyone from work, except for one. I am going to ask her to be a BM though.

First of all I agree with some of the other comments that if you've already tried giving these friends an honest reason as to why they weren't invited then you shouldn't feel obligated to continue reasoning with them on it. If she keeps making you feel guilty using the excuse of having been the one to introduce you two, then I'd keep in mind who it is that likely knows you and your FH as individuals and as a couple the best, and I'm assuming that would be your MOH and BM.

 

That being said, if they are still persistent about getting an answer from you, I would simply tell them that the resort/package that you've chosen has restrictions on the number of people allowed or on the number of people that can be accomodated for your ceremony/reception/dinner. That way it may seem more like the resort is the limitation and that you're not being the evil bride playing favourites.

 

Good luck though, and I hope your other friends are overwhelmingly understanding to make up for these friends being so demanding.

Why do weddings get ugly? I mean, this is meant to be the happiest day of our lives!

 

*sigh* We're really lucky. Our wedding is only the other side of the planet to be with FH's family and my parents and brother are coming over with us. Other than that, no one got an invite and I said totally openly that we're just having immediate family. Having an AHR really made life easier because we could use that as our following gambit - and heck, everyone loves a huge party!

 

Unfortunately, if it's getting like this, I guess you have to start questioning how much of a friend she is. A true friend would understand.

we're inviting everyone to the DW ( 85 ppl or so).. in reality we will have 30 or so people come .. my thoughts - if they are spending $1000+ pp to celebrate our wedding, we can certainly shell out the $66 pp for the reception.