New Office Policy (lol)

I got this forward today from a friend and I just couldn't resist sharing!!

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If You are able to go to the doctor; you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary; the funeral should be scheduled in The late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and

subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under The "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their very average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

I've seen this one before and it's one of my favorites----

Here's a perfect example of this mentality in our office---- our owners drive a Hyundai. Why, you ask Because they feel that if they drive anything more associated to their income bracket (BMW/Hummer/Lexus/etc...), the employee's will start asking for raises....

And, yes, that means, we don't get raises. Ever. Not even cost of living increases. You make the same when you're hired as you do when you retire.

Hahaha, that's a good one.

Small company called ICS.

Had I known that 2.5 years ago when I was looking for a new job, I would have kept moving on.... (Hence, why I'm looking for a new job now too!)

That's so cute!!!! I've sent it to everyone here at work, they will love it.

That was seriously FUNNY!!!! I am going to send it to my office mates here. Non-profit = no money, so they will get a kick out of it!

That is soooo funny

Courtney this is so hysterical. I have to show this to my bosses, they will die.