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I actually MARRIED an IDIOT!

KLC77

By KLC77
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KLC77

KLC77

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Originally Posted by deefalvey View Post
Kelly I feel ya...my FI grew up with 2 live in maids who did everything for thier family - cook, clean, laundry, etc. The only time I can get him to clean is when I get him REALLY REALLY pissed off (and then its kinda destructive cleaning - anything that is not his goes in the trash), or if he invites people over he will clean up the kitchen area.

We both work full time jobs and at the end of my day I go and pick his kids up from daycare, get the homework done and get dinner going before he even gets home. His job is super-stressful and mine is not and that is his justification for not being able to help out around the house - that he is physically and mentally wiped out by the time he gets home...

We live in a large house - 4400 square feet and there is A LOT of cleaning to do - 4 bedrooms and 5 bathrooms and 4 of us living there. When I had a meltdown at the end of one of his rants, guess what he told me to do...hire a housekeeper!

So I will say, I share your anger in this :)
Deanna, if we had a house that big I would have to hire a housekeeper if I didn't have any help! My dh tries the same thing with the whole, his job is more stressful than what I do. Or he has a physical job so he's too tired. Its all bs.

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Originally Posted by ~Stephanie~ View Post

Eventually I did get out of doing laundry, if you shrink his clothes and turn things pink they don't like you doing it anymore!

Men are like puppies, they need constant training and praise! If you overexagerate how happy you are that he did the dishes, he will do them again! Good boy!
I might have to try that with the laundry. If I could get him to wash even one dish I would be so happy! lol

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Originally Posted by bumbles View Post
FI and I divide our housework. Since he is, by far, a better cook, he's in charge of everything kitchen related (cooking, cleaning, dishes) as well as taking out all the trash. I take care of the living room, bathroom and vacuuming. We each do our own laundry and take turns with washing the sheets, towels, etc. Sometimes we trade chores, like I'll do your laundry if I don't have to go grocery shopping (I dislike grocery shopping) :) It took us a while to adjust but things are going pretty smoothly now.
OMG, I am so jealous, this is exactly what I want!

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Originally Posted by jpitts78 View Post
Hey I get to be a part of this club too...lol.

My FI doesn't do chores at all... he'll organize his clutter that builds up.

I do the vacuuming, dishes, laundry, cooking, dusting, garbage, clean the litter, walk/clean up after the dogs, grocery shop, make the beds every morning, and so forth. He may occassionally put the dishes away once every 2 months, cleans the garage (but it's his work area), most of the outdoor stuff (but I still help with the mowing and shovelling when I have time).

So when he says he's bored, I say well there's some laundry that can folded or whatever... then he'll say nah, then hop on the computer.

He works 12 days (12 hours... gets home around 7:30) and then 12 days off. I work Mon-Fri and get home around 5:30, plus run a home based business (usually delivering orders from 6-8 through the week, and various times on the weekend), participate in agility once a week, now plan for a wedding.

So I get frustrated sometimes as well. :P I would expect a little help on his 12 days off.
With 12 days off, I would get frustrated too if dh didn't do anything.

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Originally Posted by PhillyBride09 View Post
Can I just tell you that I can not agree with you more!!!

My FI gets me so mad sometimes and I do feel like his mom.
Don't get me wrong, I love his mother, but I think she shouldn't have done every little thing for him growing up. I think a mother needs to teach their children (not only their sons) responsibilty early on. Don't just do everything for them. Let them be kids too, but they should know what they need to do around the house on a daily basis.
I always say to my mom that if I have a Son or Sons that they are going to learn early on how to do chores, & even cook.
They are going to learn things that will allow them to live on their own and not depend on some girl to come along and think she has to "train" him..Like I have trained my FI..LOL
I know that every child gets spoiled to some extent, but I plan to be a hard ass when it comes to things like that.
I seriously think it all stems back to how they were raised and really...Their Mothers!!

Tell your FI that you don't remember "Applying" for this Job he thinks you have and the last time you checked it was 2009, not 1920.
And also politely remind him that the more relaxed you are, the Happier you will be and you and him will be able to spend more "time" together if he helps you out..LOL That should work :-)
I totally agree, its his mother's fault. I love her, but she did and still does (when they see each other) everything for him. I said something like this to him and he said so you're saying my mom was a bad mom. I don't think she was bad at all, but there is something to teaching your children to be responsible for themselves and take pride in being able to do things for themselves.

I tried to tell him that if they were my jobs he could pay me to do them, $20 for each load of laundry, $1 per dish washed etc. He didn't like that either...
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niujess

niujess

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Yeah my fiance is the same way sometimes. I seriously think he thinks that it's the 1950's and it's the woman's job to do everything around the house. I cook, I do the shopping, I straighten things up, I take the dog out, brush her teeth, bathe her, groom her ... and he was the one who wanted to get the dog. He told me I was supposed to do these things because he was the provider.. I guess he forgot something.... We're not married yet and guess what I work full time and pay half the bills. ... Since that convo I've been working on training him.... I told him until I stay at home and have you take care of me we both have responsibilities and we're splitting it equal.... So we shook on me cooking and him cleaning up afterward.... I clean the bathrooms but he does all the dishes (havnen't touched a dish since :) ).. and when it comes to cooking i make him help me with preparation like cutting up veggies and setting the table .. I'll continue to cook but i think it works out nicely when we're done with dinner i sit down on the couch and he goes into the kitchen and cleans up all the mess

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Sapphire723

Sapphire723

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Originally Posted by niujess View Post
He told me I was supposed to do these things because he was the provider.. I guess he forgot something.... We're not married yet and guess what I work full time and pay half the bills. ... Since that convo I've been working on training him.... I told him until I stay at home and have you take care of me we both have responsibilities and we're splitting it equal.... So we shook on me cooking and him cleaning up afterward.... I clean the bathrooms but he does all the dishes (havnen't touched a dish since :) ).. and when it comes to cooking i make him help me with preparation like cutting up veggies and setting the table .. I'll continue to cook but i think it works out nicely when we're done with dinner i sit down on the couch and he goes into the kitchen and cleans up all the mess
Hah, yeah, men get this "women are supposed to cook and clean all the time" mentality that was passed on from when women worked in the home and no where else. When you're paying at least half the bills, it's a whole different ball game!

Another thing that helped us is that I set a time frame when I ask him to do something. Because to me, when I say "Hey babe, can you take care of the laundry" I mean today, but to him it might mean sometime after he runs out of clean underwear. I made a pact with him that I would not nag him or bother him to do things more than once as long as he promises to complete whatever it is by the agreed upon time. That way I don't feel bad about nagging him all the time, and he doesn't have to hear it from me!

I also tried stroking his ego whenever he did things, but he eventually caught on to that and said "You know, I'm not a dog. You don't have to give me a treat every time I do what I'm supposed to be doing anyway!" Haha..
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BachataBride

BachataBride

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Originally Posted by Sapphire723 View Post
Another thing that helped us is that I set a time frame when I ask him to do something. Because to me, when I say "Hey babe, can you take care of the laundry" I mean today, but to him it might mean sometime after he runs out of clean underwear. I made a pact with him that I would not nag him or bother him to do things more than once as long as he promises to complete whatever it is by the agreed upon time. That way I don't feel bad about nagging him all the time, and he doesn't have to hear it from me!

Setting a time frame is a fantastic idea!!! I am so tired of "in a minute" lasting for 3 days!!! Grrrr!!!
Sometimes I think that he really just doesn't care that it bothers me! It's so frustrating! I started leaving him notes in the morning before I go to work & he's still snoozing. The last one explained how frustrated I am that I ask him to do something, leave a note to remind him when he gets home & it still doesn't get done (laundry changed over when he got home from work). I asked him to please do something around the house before he went to work...there was lots to do & I proceed to list out EVERYTHING that needed to be done! I got home from work & he had done 2 things off the list! Hey...if leaving a list is what I have to do to get things done I'll do it! (Although...I still think that he should notice that the floor is dirty & dishes are in the sink & the backyard is full of dog crap!) But I just keep telling myself...baby steps Amanda! LOL
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KLC77

KLC77

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Originally Posted by BachataBride View Post
Setting a time frame is a fantastic idea!!! I am so tired of "in a minute" lasting for 3 days!!! Grrrr!!!
Sometimes I think that he really just doesn't care that it bothers me! It's so frustrating! I started leaving him notes in the morning before I go to work & he's still snoozing. The last one explained how frustrated I am that I ask him to do something, leave a note to remind him when he gets home & it still doesn't get done (laundry changed over when he got home from work). I asked him to please do something around the house before he went to work...there was lots to do & I proceed to list out EVERYTHING that needed to be done! I got home from work & he had done 2 things off the list! Hey...if leaving a list is what I have to do to get things done I'll do it! (Although...I still think that he should notice that the floor is dirty & dishes are in the sink & the backyard is full of dog crap!) But I just keep telling myself...baby steps Amanda! LOL
My friend who is married says to leave a list too. It works great for them. She also said to make the list longer than what you actually want him to do because generally he won't finish it no matter how long it is. Like if you only give him 2 things to do, he'll do one. So, put 4 things on the list and when he does two you'll be really happy.

After I sent dh the article about how men who do housework get more sex, I came home one night and he had started laundry. The next day he did the dishes and took out the garbage. All without me asking. So, something seems to have sunk in... we'll see how long it lasts.
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BachataBride

BachataBride

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That's awesome Kelly!! Like I said...baby steps!! At least it's a start!! :)

I told DH that maybe I would not be as bitchy as I have been if he helped out more - his response....I doubt it...you'll still be bitchy!!! GRRRRRR!!! I could have killed him! lol But then he did finally get all the cardboard boxes packed up & ready to put in the garbage...but I helped!

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Sapphire723

Sapphire723

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Originally Posted by BachataBride View Post
Setting a time frame is a fantastic idea!!! I am so tired of "in a minute" lasting for 3 days!!! Grrrr!!!
Yeah, I've found guys and girls often have different concepts of time. For me, "I'll be ready in fifteen minutes" usually means a half an hour, but "Let's paint the bedroom soon" means this weekend to me and sometime this year to FI. It helps to be honest with your expectations, so that you're not super frustrated when he's not doing whatever chore NOW when he thinks that he's still within your time frame.
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BillysBride

BillysBride

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Originally Posted by hollisandsteph View Post
My husband is so hot and cold. He will go weeks where he is a huge help and then like a light switch when he is off, his butt is glued to the lazy boy! You turn him off and there is no moving him. That is when I quit helping doing the things he does...ie he takes care of the floors and takes out the trash and mows the lawn. When he is in his off mode, I still let stuff go without saying a word. It kills me but if I do it, there is no reason for him to do it, he won't. He will just let me take care of it. I learned that years ago. Then his off period lasts even longer. The good things is, he has OCD and cannot stand to see a mess too long so when he see's the trash bag outside of the trash can cause it is too full, he generally takes it out.
Last night I had to go out for a few hours I had a big surprise when I got home.. The dishwasher had been unloaded and reloaded. The kitchen was spotless and laundry had been put away with the washer loaded and ready to be started this morning. Also our 3 year old daughter was bathed and in her PJ's! I was impressed. I thought he wanted something but I was wrong..lol
This is Billy. I told him he's freakin schizophrenic.

There are entire week's where he does so much and keeps the house spotless. Thats how he lured my ass in to begin with; a classic bait and switch I tell ya! I mean, it can get to the extent where I find myself feeling guilty if I sit down and read or surf the net. lol

But then he goes weeks where he does NOTHING. I came home one night to find that he had actually used one of the kids spoons..A TODDLER SPOON to stir his coffee becuase all the others were in the sink (I was a bridesmaid that weekend, and duties kept me gone). Yea, this man's lazy ass actually opened up a drawer and took out one of my babies' utensils. If that ain't lazy I don't know what is. I don't get it. He had the audacity one night to try to tell me about something his mother used to do when they were growing up. Said it was just a suggestion...that he was trying to "help". I looked him right in the face and told him to go marry his mama.
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