Ladies Please Don't Forget......

If people traveled to a resort to come to a destination wedding they deserve a thank you note for spending their vacation money to visit you/us. Otherwise - normal wedding not traveling far really -- just if they got you a gift. Just my thoughts

Oh yeah, I would DEFINITELY NOT expect a thank you card to a normal at home wedding if I did not bring a gift. But then, I don't think I could, with a clear conscious, go to someone's wedding where I know they were spending $100/plate out of pocket for me to attend without bringing any gift at all, no matter my personal financial situation.

Thank you cards should be sent to *everyone* who attends the wedding, whether or not they brought a gift. This goes for all weddings, destination or not.

For my first wedding, I sent a thank you note to everyone who signed the guest book and/or gave a present. For those who "just" attended, I sent a thank you note for their presence, for those who gave a gift as well, I added mention of the gift.

 

I had an unexpected result - some people thought that it was a gift-grab - or reminder that they hadn't given a gift. I have no idea how they thought that, but I will not be doing the same thing this time! No thank you notes to people who just attended and did not give a gift.

 

It really hurt my feelings that some people thought that I was angling for a gift when all I was doing was thanking them for attending.

I think I'm confused -- the bridesmaids/mothers do host the shower, but I thought that the shower list comes from the bride anyway, so wouldn't she forward just a list of women who were on the invitation guest list?

Well, usually, the BMs/moms would get the list from the brides, but they might not always. It really depends on the involvement that the people throwing the party want from the bride.

I apologize for not mentioning the timing on when the cards should be sent out but considering you have a whole year to do it, that's even more of a reason to make sure you send them. I don't think you can put a price on someone's time so the fact that someone took the time out to attend a wedding related event they could have chosen not to say's something about them and they deserve to be thanked appropriately. I think the same way you send STD's and invitations you could send a thank you note/card, even if it's for their time and support. I honestly consider their presence as the gift so I don't mind if I don't receive anything tangible. My girlfriend that I mentioned that did send a thank you had a DW and we did not buy them a gift.

 

Her thank you card read:

 

This day we thank our family and friends, for celebrating our joy, supporting us and sharing our love. We sincerely appreciate you for being a part of our special day and making our dreams come true. Love knows no bounds. Our wedding would not have been complete without the support of our family and friends. Thank you for coming to Puerto Rico with us!

 

Very appropriate and appreciated!

 

As for my girlfriends shower I am totally not mad at her. She had a last minute wedding and BM threw the shower probably not considering the guest list. However, I did attend the shower and gave a gift and I think she should have sent thank you cards or emails if she liked but something. I personally just think it's good manners to thank people.

 

frazali - sorry your thank you's were not received as just thank you. Do you think it was their conscious that made them feel like you were reminding them they had not given a gift and maybe they were on the defense? They totally should't have taken it that way.

Thanks for moving my post I honestly looked for the etiquette section and obviously overlooked it.

That's actually a misconception. Proper etiquette dictates that guests have a year to send a gift after the wedding.

For thank you cards, they should be sent within two weeks of receipt of a gift prior to the wedding, and within two to three months afterwards. 2-3 months is still quite a long time, though.

This is unfortunate, but you were still correct from an etiquette standpoint - those who thought it was a gift grab were the ones who were wrong. But here is a situation where someone has to weigh the importance of "proper" etiquette vs. the audience for it. "Proper etiquette" doesn't win every time, IMHO, even though I'm sure Miss Manners might disagree with me.

I will personally send out cards and notes to everyone who comes. Destination wedding or not, a guest is taking time out of their day to honor you, support you, and celebrate with you. They had to clear their schedue, get their sunday best from the dry cleaner, attend the ceremony and recpetion, possibly sit through a long religious ceremony that had nothing to do with their own faith, all on the HC's behalf. That deserves some recognition, DW or not, gift or not.

And gifts for weddings should always be considered optional, even though guests are more than likely going to get one. The real "gift", as someone mentioned earliar, is that someone thought enough of you to attend your wedding.