Problems with not including my father's new wife (LONG)

Now you all have me feeling guilty

So here is some of the backstory - maybe it doesn't change anything, I don't know.. but for their wedding, my dad had said he wanted my sister and I to wear matching dresses.. and then in front of us, she said no we were not her bridesmaids. He then had us each do a reading, so we were included - but she made it pretty clear that she didn't want us to be a part of the day.

Then, about a year ago, she suddenly decided that it was "immoral" for my FI and I to stay in the same room when we are visiting (now, we have been dating for over 9 years, living together for 5-6 years) - we had always stayed in the same room in my dad's house at least since my parents were divorced so we were really hurt. I spoke to my dad and he said please just go along with it so she doesn't get mad.. Now I know her and my father took a vacation together for a week to Mexico before they were married and she is not religious at all, so there is no reason for her to say that.. I told my father how upset we were and that she is ruining FI and my relationship with her. My sister told me she overheard him saying that to her and she said she doesn't care if that's how I feel, it's her decision. Granted maybe my dad should have made the decision on his own, but my FI and I left early that trip - and nothing more was said about it. I'm superficially friendly to her, but still really hurt.

Given all of this, having her there and including her in my immediate family only private church event really makes me uncomfortable almost to the point of not wanting any of my family there. My parents were married 25 years and have 4 children together - having her there is a disrespect to my mother even aside from my feelings. Yes, she is my father's wife and I respect her for that, but she is not my mother or even really my stepmother - so I don't consider her MY immediate family.

Maybe you'll all still think I'm being spiteful but it is my one wedding day and I am including her in our regular wedding events, but I just don't want her there for this one thing...

Sorry I think I just needed to vent

So say no and stand your ground. It's no body's busines but your own and you are the one that has to sleep at night chick.

 

Everyone here gives really good advice but its their own personal feelings they aren't saying this is what you should do. No matter what you decide they will all back you on here because you are big enough to make your own decisions.

 

You should NOT feel mad, upset, annoyed or pissed off on your wedding for one bitter and twisted woman and I agree she married your dad not you so if you don't want to invite her dont

Actually she is your stepmother, even if you were 'grown up' when he married again.

If that's how you feel truly, that it disrespects your mother for her to be there, then I would just have the two of you at the ceremony then. I think it's disrespectful to your father to exclude her.

But it's like Harty said. We can all give our opinions, but it's your life, and it's impossible for you to express every little nuance of your relationship with her, so ultimatly it's your decision.

That is a tough one.. I agree with Harty and Deb both though..

 

First, all we can offer on here is our own personal opinions. We all have our own histories, baggage, etc... which influences what we may offer as feedback.

 

That being said, this is your decision and you ARE the one who has to live it. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty as long as you are doing what you think is right and is best.

 

I will say this.. that no matter what she does - she is your stepmother and if you father truly loves her - she is not going anywhere and will always be part of your life. If it won't put a huge crimp in your ceremony; I would be the better person, rise above her pettiness/cruelty and let her come. Talk to your Mother and make sure that she knows that you are only inviting Evil Stepmom out of respect to your Father; that she is the Mother you want there and love.

 

If you truly can't stomach her being there; then I agree with Debs - just do a church ceremony with you and FI to nix the drama.

 

Like I said, that's just my opinion and everyone on here will support you no matter what you do.

 

Good Luck!

I think if you truly don't want her there, then just do the ceremony with you and your FI and don't include ANY family at all.

i agree w/ chiquita - either just you and fi, or include her. she is immediate family, whether you like it or not. when dh and i did our legal thing, we invited his brother's gf (now fiance) even though we can't stand her...we just felt it was the right thing to do.

I have to agree with Debs and the others who follow.

 

The thing of it is this... she married into your family. How would you feel if FI's father decided to remarry and his wife-to-be looked at you and said "YOU'RE not immediate family, so you can't come".

 

You are risking further damaging your relationship with your father. It is as simple as that. I understand you don't like her; I understand you disagree with many of the things that she has said and done. But you're doing the same thing. Be the bigger person, swallow the anger and move on. Your relationship with her might improve immensely because of it. And if it doesn't, you'll always be able to look at her and think "at least I included you, even if you're not my favorite person. Can you do the same?"

I am going to add another "be the bigger person" post.

 

I know you don't want her there and I know she didn't include you in her wedding. However, if you don't include her, as the others said - you will strain your relationship with your father and you will provide your fathers wife with ammo to cause even more friction and amimosity towards your relationship with her.

 

Like becks said, if you invite her you'll always have one up on her and the ability to say, "at least I included you". This should give you much internal satisfaction especially when she tries to pull some of her evil stepmonster idiocy on you!

 

If you feel that strongly about not having her there, then I also agree with the others - avoid the drama and have the church ceremony with only you and your fiance.

I guess you are all right... It would be so awkward having her there sitting with my dad, sibs, and mom. But - maybe it is easier to avoid family drama and just have us there.. the only problem is my parents already know about it, so now I think we have to include them. But I guess I should be the bigger person and if we include any family, include her too.. I hate it when I'm wrong

Thank you all for the good advice and helping me put it into perspective..