FMIL Christmas Rudeness . . . I have had it!!

Sorry this is long, but I have to vent and this is the only "safe" place to do it . . .

 

Ok, so my FMIL has been an absolute bitch since we have decided to do this whole destination wedding thing and informed them of it this past summer. By way of background . . . she is my finacee's stepmother - his mother died after battling cancer when he was 12 years old (25 years ago), and this bitch was waiting in the wings to scoop up his dad right after his mom died (this woman was my fiancee's brother's 2nd grade teacher at the time). They got married less than one year after his mom died. Because of how screwed up that situation was, my fiancee has always had a strained relationship with her.

 

So, ever since we decided to get married in Jamaica, she has been negative, condescending and critical. Nothing but negativity from her no matter what the topic. She is pissed because she wants to prance around like a peacock at a wedding in New York (where she lives) in front of all her friends. It is ALWAYS about her. Anyway, at this time in the planning process, we have received all the RSVPs from guests who are going to stay with us in the villas (we are getting married at private villas on the south coast of Jamaica), and have potentially assigned rooms to those guests who have paid a deposit to us. We thought it would be an appropriate thing to stay in what we perceive to be the best villa, along with our parents and bridal party (we only have one attendant each). We have always told everyone that this is the plan and there was no disagreement about it until . . .

 

We went up the second weekend in December for my fiancee's birthday and we out to brunch with his stepmother, father and brother. During the brunch, FMIL asks me where people are staying. My fiancee repeats what we have always told them that they are staying with us and my parents in a villa and that the other family members coming are staying in another villa. She says to me in front of everyone, "I don't want to sound mean, and even though we have met your parents, we don't know them and don't want to stay with them". My fiancee's brother had a look of horror on his face, and my FFIL was just spacing out (he rarely listens to her anymore). My fiancee tried to explain why we had this arrangement, and she then repeated that she wanted to stay in a particular room at a particular villa. Frankly, I couldn't be happier that this bitch is not going to stay with us. Both my fiancee and I prefer it. She then says that she is paying her way and it is a vacation for her and she should get to stay where she wants. It was an extremely uncomfortable brunch to say the least. When we returned to his parent's home the insults continued:

 

- I was told that my bridesmaid dress choice was not good for her daughter (my fiancee's half-sister), and that she would only wear certain colors

- I was told that I would have no idea what dress style would be appropriate because her daughter had big boobs, and I don't

- She told me that we had better not ask for any contribution because they don't have any money to help out

- That I should been doing more planning now, even though I teach law at the college level and work about 60 hours a week and really only have the time during school breaks (like now over the holidays)

- That my job shouldn't be used as an excuse because she used to be a 2nd grade teacher and my job is no different than her job used to be and she had plenty of time off

 

Ok, so whatever . . . I think I was actually the least offended compared to my fiancee and his brother (who confronted the father and stepmother after my fiancee and I left saying how rude she was). The thing that really pissed me off was the job comments. So we do the Christmas thing where we try to make both families happy by driving all over creation on Christmas. We spend Christmas Eve and morning with my family and then drive for 4 1/2 hours to New York to see his family. They were told not to wait for us because we didn't know what time we would be arriving. We got there around 8 pm. We went inside and she completely ignored us for the first 1 1/2 hours, other than to order me to sit down. I find out that she has bought a new huge flat screen tv, a Wii and a brand new Honda Pilot (wow where did she get the $$$ for those things?)

 

She then finally breaks her silence to tell us that they we waiting for us all day to open presents and we should unwrap them now. So, I get a gift card (I was told to use them to purchase my pot and pans on my registry) and another bag that has a 3 piece towel set inside. I was thinking that it was another gift from our registery, and then she says, "These towels are for you to bring with you when you come to the lake cottage and then take with you when you leave so you won't dirty our towels". OMFG. I sat there thinking what the hell do I say to that? The thing is, my fiancee owns an equal share in the cottage and pays his part of the mortgage each month. And this woman has the nerve to give us towels to use when we visit a home in which he is a part owner?

 

She says nothing to us the rest of the night. The next morning, before she leaves for her trip down to Hilton Head, she barges into our room and then tells us how inconsiderate we are for not putting up all pictures of our family on our website and that her friends have been calling her and wondering why my fiancee's sister isn't on the site yet! This is ridiculous because there aren't any other siblings on the site yet! She saids her daughter cried and felt like she wasn't important enough to be on the site. OMFG. So my fiancee gets up out of bed and tells her that this comment is not appropriate. She freaks out on him and tells him she has been a mother to him and that he is just a selfish jerk. Several other things were said concerning how we are handling our plans, and several other snide comments were made to my fiancee.

 

So now my fiancee is so pissed that he wants to tell her she cannot attend the wedding. Needless to say, he says we are never going there with her behaving this way toward me and him. Frankly, I have grown to intensely dislike this woman, and I am trying to figure out a way to keep her out of the loop. Unfortunately, there are things like our AHR that she thinks she will be helping my mom with, as well as a bridal shower. I don't want to be anywhere near this woman. How do I extricate myself from this

She is truly a monster-in-law, you're better than me because I would have told her how I really felt. Im sorry that you have to go thru this.

YIKES!! What a wench!

You need to talk to your FI and get a plan of action. You need to distance yourself from her now. Planning a wedding is far too emotional to have that BI@tch telling you how to live your life. I would leave MY towels in MY cottage just despite her. I am sorry you have to go through all this and I hope she catches on that she is in no way your Fi's Mother and in NO way has any say in your wedding. BLAH

Also, count your blessings that she isn't "gracing" you with her presence during your stay for your wedding. Just imagine if she were staying in your Villa?!

Wow, this woman is nuts!! What kind of a grown woman acts like this??

 

What does your FI's dad have to say about the matter? They both talked to him, right?? What does he want to do about it? Obviously no one wants to spend any time around your FMIL, which means no one will be spending time with him unless it's w/o her!

Wow, she sounds absolutely crazy. I too would be interested to hear what your FI's dad has to say about her behavior. Someone should let her know that its not her wedding or that she doesn't have to come!

Do you guys want to continue to have her in your life? What would happen to your dynamic with the rest of the family if she was cut out? I would weigh these options and decide what is really important to you. She seems like she doesn't want you to be truly happy and that's not a good kind of energy to have near you.

 

Explain to everyone involved that you're not going to allow negative energy to bring you down. If she's going to be horrid towards you, don't include her. If other people object to that, explain to them that although you care for your step-monster-in-law, her abusive behavior is not ok and if she's unwilling to be nice the only course of action you have is to separate yourself from her. Reasonable people will understand and support you. Everyone else can feel free to jump off a cliff ;-)

 

Seriously, you have enough BS going on. If it's not important to your fiance to maintain a good relationship with this woman, then go ahead and cut her loose.

Yes - we are going to distance ourselves from her, and yes I am very pleased that she isn't going to be staying with me during the wedding week. The unfortunate part is that it means she will be staying with the rest of fiancee's family, which includes his mother's sister and his grandmother. They can't stand her either.

Part of the problem is that she acts like a teenager! She is so gossipy, hypocritical and bossy all the time - all the things that I cannot stand. She is the type of person who just goes on and on and on about something/someone that no one who is listening even knows or cares about!

I think my future FFIL speaks to her in private about her behavior, but it doesn't really seem to matter because she does what she wants anyway. I seriously think he has developed a the coping skill of tuning her out or avoiding the situation. I don't see how else he could stay with her. FFIL is a very sweet man and I have no problem with him. Actually, I do have compassion for him because no matter what he says, I think he knows he made a big mistake marrying this woman in the midst of the complete devestation and grief he sufferred when the love of his life died.

I feel bad about the fact that my fiancee's sister (they have the same dad) can be hurt by all of this. In fact, the FMIL is the one who told his sister that she must not be considered his "real" sister if she isn't listed on the site the way that FMIL thinks is appropriate. I have no doubt that if his sister cried it is because of what FMIL said to her own daughter. I really don't want to upset her.

We have already decided that we are never going there again for Christmas. Fiancee's brother said that we should not put ourselves in that situation, and I agree with him. My fiancee said that he doesn't want to let her behavior restrict his visits with his brother and father (who live in the same town), and I also can undertand that. We also visit with his mother's family when we are there, and they are very nice and friendly. His grandmother, who is 95 years old, is super sweet and it means a lot to her when we visit. The whole thing is just so ridiculous.

I am the type of person who has a great deal of patience, but once you cross the line and piss me off, I am angry for quite a while. It takes soo much to get me to that point. I also always try to hold on to hope that situations can get better, but frankly, I don't think it is going to happen here. I will never understand why people do such things and make it miserable for everyone.