Christmas compromise? (Warning: Long!)

I know I'm always posting for advice, but with my wedding so far away, I have nothing else to focus on lol

 

Okay, this one is going to be a bit of a long story... Not sure if anyone remembers, but a while ago I posted because my family was being very unfair and unaccepting of FH so I sent them some e-mails (they live too far away to do it face-to-face, and they would have never heard me out over the phone, either interruptions or hanging up before I was done). I have since talked to my mother and we've sorted everything out, and I'm talking to my Dad again and my middle sister. My oldest sister hasn't talked to me since I sent the first e-mail and she travelled two hours just to yell at me. I was very hurt as she never travels the two hours to actually VISIT me, and that's why we haven't talked since.

 

ANYWAY, Getting to the point of the post lol FI is still hurt over what has happened in the past and refuses to see or talk to any of my family. My parents live about 1000 km's away and we've never spent a Christmas with them in the three years we've been together. The first Christmas I went home alone (me and FI were together for a little over a month at this point) and then the following two years we spent Christmas and New Year's Day at his parents house (they lived here up until March when they moved) because I was working retail and worked Christmas Eve until 6 and then on December 27th at 8 AM, so no time for a 10 hour drive each way to my parent's house. Well this year, my parents are coming to my sister's house for Christmas, I'm not working, and FI will be finished around 6 on Christmas Eve and back to work on the 27th, so he will have Christmas Day and Boxing Day off. It's expected that I will be there for Christmas, but as of right now, me and my sister aren't talking, and I'm still VERY hurt by her and some of the things she has said, and FI wants nothing to do with them. Plus, we have two cats (Shadow, 9, and Boots, 1) and Boots gets VERY lonely when she's left alone. But my sister has two evil little yorkies that HATE cats and would try to fight my cats at first sight, and she refuses to let my middle sister, who lives five minutes down the road from her, take the dogs for a couple of days (who the dogs actually like better anyway) so I can bring my cats out to spend Christmas with us and not be lonely. Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE animals, I've had cats and dogs my whole life, but I am not allowed to have dogs in my apartment, only cats, therefore I don't have a dog. I can usually get along with the biggest, nastiest dog around, but those two are savages, biting and barking at anything that moves and you can't even pet the male without him snapping at you. Okay, I'm straying from the point. I just really don't know what to do. After two Christmases away from my family, I would LOVE to spend Christmas with my Mom and Dad, I love how my Mom decorates for Christmas (my parents are living with my sister over the winter) and I would really like to go, but FI still resents them and wants to have our own Christmas. I would love to have Christmas with just FI as well, but since my parents are finally close enough to celebrate with, I really want to be there. But how do I convince FI to go? I mention the idea and he gets mad and doesn't want to talk about it, and if we do go, what do I do with the kitties? I don't want to leave them in a kennel somewhere, Shadow is a cat that keeps to herself and didn't even want Boots around, let alone some other strange cats. She's used to Boots now, but she would never get along with another cat, or especially a dog. She's huge, and very strong, and she would kill the male yorkie before he could even finish his first bark, let alone have the chance to snap, so putting these four together would prove to be a disaster. My middle sister, "Lisa" was living with my oldest sister, "Terri" (if this sounds strange, I'm the youngest of three girls) when she adopted the dogs from a friend, and "Lisa" spent her days at home with the dogs while she was looking for work and an apartment, so the dogs got to really know her and love her, and she's an animal person like myself, so the dogs took to her really easily. But "Terri" is allergic to pet dander, hence why she got yorkies, and she has NEVER been an animal person. She hated the dog and cats I had growing up with my parents, never spent any time around them at all. So why would it be a big deal to let Lisa have the dogs for a couple of days? She lives about two minutes away, literally, and she can see them whenever she wants, and Lisa would LOVE to have them for a couple of days, she visits Terri every day to come see them anyway, so I don't see why Terri is kicking up such a fuss about it. It seems like she's not doing it just to f*** with me so she's not "bending" for me at all. Even Mom doesn't know why she refuses to do it and tells her she's being an idiot, and she never has a good reason as to why she wants to keep them there. So between her being stubborn, and FI being stubborn, is there any chance of a Christmas miracle that they'll compromise and I'll finally get to spend a Christmas with my parents, or will I never have another Christmas with my family again?

 

hmmmm this is a tough situation and i can pretty much relate as im in a very very similar situation....i am not sure what to do about the animals... but i am not going to my family christmas either because my father and stepmom are not at all accepting of my FI and are very rude and hurtful to him and so neither of us want to be around them let alone on the holidays....and it hurts me because i know they are family but i dont want to let them hurt me anymore....so kinda getting where you are coming from i would ask your FI to please be there for you and to for one day just go to see your family because it means so much to you..if you have a good talk with him wihtout getting frustrated and upset and just let him know how much spending time with your family means to you i am sure he may give you this one holiday where he will go and support you...when i did at first want to go to the holidays with my family my FI said he didnt want to go but to support me he would and we said that if all went well with my family we would stay for dinner and presents but if they caused problems for us we would have a hotel or something nearby where we could go (or home if you live close enough) and just walk away if they make you feel uncomfortable....i think maybe you could suggest that open to your FI. Just try walk into your sisters house with an open mind...im hoping everyone would try be civil because its Christmas....sorry im not sure if my rambling made sense..but the best thing is sit down and have a heart to heart wiht your FI about how you truly feel. Good luck!

I'm sorry that you have to go through this stress over the holidays.

big hug to you!

 

I agree with Michelle in that you should talk with your FI and see if feelings can be put aside so that you can spend Christmas with your family. You don't see them often and this is a special time of year that should be spent with your FI and your family.

I'd split my time if i'm honest. and FI would have to accept it. If he won't bend then its his problem lol

 

I'm lucky my dad hates xmas and lives the other side of the world so i won't see him and I can't stand FI's lot so I'm not going there either lol FI is home until 27th then he's at work so it'll be me and the dogs just how I like it lol

Thanks girls I had a good chat with FI last night and told him how important it is to spend Christmas with my parents (not siblings) and he agreed. First he wanted me to go on my own, but I told him that I really needed him there for support and he finally told me what was REALLY wrong... He hates my oldest sister. I can't blame him, I hate her right now too, and I'm DREADING having to stay at her house, but it's the only way to spend Christmas with the folks because they're staying at her house until April, and we're living in an apartment, so there's no room for them to stay with us. And as for the cats vs. dogs problem, Dad is going to tell her she needs to give the dogs to Lisa, and if Dad says "jump", then Terri asks, "How high?" So it won't be a problem. She'll grumble and complain about it, but she's going to grumble and complain anyway. The only girl I've ever met that has two other siblings and yet has "only child" syndrome lol FI is an only child, and he's more considerate of others than she will ever be lol

 

So I try to contact my oldest sister by phone, she won't return my calls. She lives an hour and a half away, so I can't go visit (I don't have a car) so I have to e-mail her. I send her a SUPER long, heartfelt e-mail, about twice the length of my original post, and I get her reply today:

 

I'm sorry you feel that way. Thanks for letting me know how you feel.

 

AOUIHGAPVHAPWGHUAILGUHAPWGHUAPSOUHGA;SODNALSUHVDAW !!!!! Can you believe this woman is 11 years older than me? It seems like she's 11 rather than 11 years my senior. So I told her to forget it and she can explain to Mom and Dad why I'm not there for Christmas, because at this point it is ENTIRELY her fault!! I'm so mad at her right now!!!

Harsh as it sounds you need to dump her chick or she is going to ruin everything you try and do x

And I was ready and willing to do that, but the problem is she's hosting the family Christmas at her house, and I'm expected by my parents to be there. So I'm just going to let her explain to the folks why I didn't show up because I cannot stand her anymore, she's caused enough problems for me to last a lifetime

It sounds as if your sister is miserable and unhappy with self and her life. Please recognize that and do not allow her to ruin time you want to spend with YOUR parents. She wants you to be frustrated so that you do not show and you are playing nicely to her shenanigans.

 

Go see your parents and ignore her. Be saccharingly sweet to her even though you could smack the ish out of her. That alone will set he straight as you can't give her too much power of even knowing she rattles you!

 

Good luck----in time it will blow over. Unfortunately we cant divorce our family.

If we could divorce our family, I would be the happiest divorcee you have EVER seen lol My sister is miserable, because her marriage is falling down around her feet and if she can't be happy, then nobody is allowed to. No good men exist on this earth besides our father (according to her) and they are all liars. She is also VERY self-conscious and we have all been worried about her health lately and my Mom has been taking (dragging) her to Weight Watchers for the past month. Now before I seem like I'm being rude or ignorant, I myself am overweight, as is my entire family, but she is beyond morbidly obese, almost to the point where she cannot move around anymore. She can't do housework, she cannot fit inside a vehicle smaller than a truck or minivan, and she has a plethura of health problems already (high blood pressure, cholesterol, edema, sleep apnea, pre-diabetes, and menstrual problems) all of which her doctor attributes to her weight, and now she's frustrated because she's trying to get pregnant and can't, and she believes that it's the only way she can hang on to her husband.

Okay, so now that I'm done rambling about that and got it all off my chest lol I think I'm going to take your advice. I'll show up for Christmas and I'll sleep at her house even, and I'll be the happiest little shit disturber in the world lol