We need a sub-forum just for family problems... (Warning: LONG!)

Well, I sent them an e-mail. A little impersonal maybe, but at least through e-mail I can't get cut off and yelled at before I got my point across, and in person won't work because they're a 10+ hr drive away. So the e-mail is sent, I ran it by FI and FMIL and they both said it was great and got the point across really well. I basically said that in three years, we're no closer to them getting along than we were from the first day, and I can't take it anymore. I told them how they've been causing my constant hospital visits, not the lame excuses I've given them all along, and that they have to get along or get out. I hope it doesn't come to that, but at this point, I dont' care, I just need to be happy and take care of me, because nobody else will (well, FI will, but you know what I mean lol). So thanks everyone, you've all been awesome, and I'll definitely keep you posted when I hear from them again.

Just aim for the huge patch of fog and you've found St. John's lol

wow, it's crazy the way they are treating you. I think you need to cut them out of your life. But even if you can't go that far to cut them out of your life, you definitely should not invite them to your wedding. They are going to make you so miserable. I don't know your DW plans but if I were you I would just do a small wedding and invite like maybe a dozen people and not the parents and don't even tell them until you get back. They may hate you but it's 100% their own fault that you can't even trust them to not ruin your wedding.

 

EDIT: I was just reading back a bit and saw that you emailed them an ultimatum. Good for you! I also forgot to mention that the fact that this has caused you serious health issues is appalling and in my mind means you have no choice but to cut them off, your health comes before a crappy parental relationship.

im just catching up on this thread. glad you emailed your parents and told them whats up. i hope they can change if not it's their loss.

Well so far so good, there's been no nasty phone message or e-mail left for me, I don't know if they just haven't checked their e-mail yet or if they're thinking it all over, but I figured by now either my Mom or my middle sister would have yelled at me for "upsetting Dad" I'm just going to make sure that, whenever they do respond, they know I'm serious and I'm ready to sever the ties if need be. And as for the wedding, we're still not 100% sure. It's going to be a small wedding anyway, it may even be just me and FI, but his parents will be the first two on the plane, we just need to give them a date and time, and have even offered to pay for the whole thing (which I flat out declined lol) so I still have a few good family members to celebrate with when we get married, even if they are in-laws lol

Alright, here we go... I had a message left on my phone this morning from my oldest sister telling me that she heard from Mom and she's VERY upset. Instead of calling me and clearing things up, she called Tanya, crying her heart out, and Tanya got up and drove in town (1 1/2 hrs away) so she could call me from our cousin's house. On the message, she told me I have 24 hours to call my parents or else she's coming over. I'm not 15!! I'll be 23 in a couple of months, or should I say 33, because I'm definitely more mature than a 23 year old. I just don't understand why they couldn't have called me instead of bringing my sister in to all of this. I'm so mad right now, I could seriously scream! The point of my letter was to tell them that I was hurt and something had to change so they'd realize what they're doing to me, not to make things worse.

You need to call your sister and tell her this is between you and your parents. She is not involved and you will not speak to her about it. She can come to your house and sit on the front steps all day if she wants. It doesn't involve her.

I'm not worried if she comes over, she can knock on my door all she likes, I still have to choose whether or not to let her in. And if there's any fuss, I'm not against calling the cops. Cruel or not, I've had enough of being manipulated and treated like a child. They're not winning this one, I don't care. I will call Mom and Dad, I just don't have any idea what to say... I'm so soft-hearted I know I'm only going to cry the whole time on the phone, so it's a hard phone call to make. I thought this letter would help them understand what they're doing to me and how they're making me sick (literally) and it needs to change, but all it did was make them worse... I just don't know what to do anymore... I'm not keeping things as they are, I can't live like this anymore, but I don't know if I should just sever the ties now or give them a chance to make it better.... And FI has to leave in an hour for work and he'll be gone until a little after midnight..

I heard a quote a while ago I think is appropriate to remember....

 

The definition of insanity is treating someone the same way and expecting different results.

 

You have tried being nice, kind and caring and your parents haven't changed, obviously continuing to act that way is not going to change the situation. If you want a different result, you have to do what you have done, act differently. You may not get the result you want (which is a good relationship with your family) but you will know where you stand. And you will stay healthy.

 

If you do talk to them, sometimes it helps to reflect their actions back to them....Instead of "I don't like how you treat me and my FI, you're not nice". Try, "It's obvious my relationship upsets you and I don't want to hurt you, therefore it would be better for me to not hurt you anymore by staying away, and then you can be happy"....It's harder to argue with that (you are the one making the sacrifice for their happiness!!!)....find a few phrases like that and write them down and repeat them over and over again in the conversation. Don't let them get you to react, that is what they want: a reaction, the less you react the less they get what they want which is control.

 

If they can't talk rationally, let them know you certainly don't want to upset them anymore and will hang up and if they want to work on this to please call. Again, Do not react, that is what they want...stay calm and remember if you get angry, cry etc, they have control...

 

Good Luck, I have some family right now dealing with this kind of issue...when they finally put their foot down, it was really hard, but even though they may never have contact with the others again, a huge weight is gone and they are smiling again.

 

Krys

That's my exact problem, I WILL cry. I'm VERY softhearted, and I haven't really stopped crying ever since I got that message this morning. I'm a mess right now, and I know that if I call I'm definitely going to cry so much they probably won't even be able to understand me...