Off Your Chest

Dear Wedding Guest Who Emailed Me Yesterday,

SERIOUSLY...WTF?! You have the nerve to ask me if you can invite your close friends to my wedding...um no! Do you think this is a carne asada BBQ? It is my freaking wedding. Also, thanks for making me feel uncomfortable emailing you telling you basically no way can your "close" friends who I have never met come to MY wedding.

Love,

A bride trying to keep it together

My dearest (NOT!) TA,

Where the F*** have you been? I feel like I have to constantly be on your ass to get back to me. I understand that my wedding is over a year away, BUT STILL this is your JOB! I understand that I am not your only client, but an email takes 2 minutes!! I got a hold of you over a month ago to see if you had gotten ahold of group reservations. You said you would call them to see what the hold up was...haven't heard from you yet! I also sent you an email regarding what to put for a rsvp date..that was 2 weeks ago...NO RESPONSE. YES I understand that my resort is not open yet, but still would it kill you to email me back to say "No word from them yet"?? You are turning me into bridezilla!

-Erica

Yes I work for the government and am a government mule.

Dear Stupid Idiots in Payroll:

You biotches told me to get my overtime slips turned in to you by Friday so my hours would be on my next check. I turned them in on Thursday. It is Tuesday and we get paid on Friday. You mean to tell me that your lazy asses couldn't go to the mailbox and get my slips? Now you arent' going to have my hours on my next check?? I have a freakin' wedding to pay for you stupid idiots!

Ironically none of your lazy asses are even at work today? You owe me for working over 20 extra hours and I already know the Feds are taking most of it anyway but still - have a little compassion for me! I played by the rules - now give me my $$$$$$$$$$!!!!!!!!!!

dear Madison drivers,

1.

the left lane is for passing. it is absolutely NOT okay for you to sit in the left lane and drive the exact same speed as your buddy next to you in the right lane. it traps everyone else behind you, and it is RUDE! you need to speed up, and get over so I can pass you and your buddy.

2.

use your blinker! i cannot read your mind. you paid for it- and it's actually easier to use your blinker and drive than it is to talk on your stupid cell phone and drive.

3.

get OFF my ass! it only makes me drive slower. if you want to pass me, then pass me. but please don't drive right behind me. it's creepy to look in the rearview mirror and think you are sitting in my back seat!

Dear Fellow Government Mule in Payroll:

Thank you for getting my hours in. I sold you short earlier and appreciate your quick work to get me my moolah on Friday. You rock!

Dear FI's Uncle:

I can't believe you have the audacity to say "We did not anticipate the cost of a short trip to Mexico to be this expensive. " Well you freakin' genius - that's why we sent you a save the date letter in AUGUST OF 2007!

FI had his hopes on you coming as the only one from his dad's side. Thanks for the let down.

Dear MOH:

(I'm on a roll today)

Get off your butt and get my bachelorette party in gear! NO - everyone is not going to call you because they are afraid of stepping on your toes and don't want to make a decision without your imput! Get movin and get things done girl!! Celina does not have to hold your hand on everything! Do your duties and get it together!

Dear "Asshole-who-thinks-he-is-qualified-to-be-Director-of-Education-at-my-college":

Stop conspiring to get all the strong, independent, intelligent and confident women who work in administration transitioned into positions where you can argue that their jobs can be eliminated. You are screwing over my friends who are actually more qualified for your job than you are. You know that I am watching you, and guess what . . . you are right. You are in over your head, and I know it. Grow a pair and stop feeling threatened by these women who are excellent educators, co-workers and friends.

I wish I was in a position to be honest with the Director about all the crap that you have done . . .