Off Your Chest

Dear BIL;

My sister loves you very much. I really don't appreciate you going for coffee with your ex gf who you asked to marry you (and got laughed at and turned down) before you met my sister. I realize that my other inconsiderate sister is putting a HUGE strain on your relationship with your wife, but that should be all the more reason to NOT go out for coffee with your ex... Especially WITHOUT my sister! If you hurt her, I will be out for blood.

Sincerely,

The only good SIL you have left

Dear Sister;

Stop being a pain in T&W's ass. Move out already. You've mooched for a year, get over your drama and get out. And your husband needs to get a life. At 37 years of age, he finally decides what he was "meant to do" with the rest of his life, paint walls with a roller? Please. I didn't have to spend a year in school and $10,000 to learn how to pick up a damn roller and apply paint to a wall. Experience speaks volumes over actual education, so tell him to get off his lazy ass and actually get out there and work. Employment Insurance doesn't last forever, you actually have to work at some point. Oh, and thanks for making my life seem normal. When we go home this weekend for our cousin's wedding, you had better not annoy me or I'll throw you out the window. And I'm glad your husband isn't going. I hate him. And I'm glad he's not coming to my DW or I might have to throw him off the plane... Or drown him in the ocean once we get there.

Love,

the only sister who you haven't COMPLETELY pissed off. And no, you can't move in with me now that T has kicked you out.

*takes deep breath* I feel better

Dear Family Services,

Please do not cut off my day care assistance!!! I just received your letter about the stuff I need to send in. The stupid tenants at my parents old house must not have forwarded it on time... and why did the stupid post office not forward it?? Regardless, I just received it, about 3 weeks after it was mailed and 1 week after my deadline. I will come in and drop off all the stuff in person on Monday, just please do not cut me off!!!

Sincerely,

Bianca

Dear Tenants,

Why can't you forward mail a little faster? If its from social services, it must be important.

Thanks for nothing,

Bianca

Dear Bianca,

When are you going to find a job and start making money?

Thanks,

Your concerned self

Dear Jessi (my sister),

Come home already. I never imagined planning a wedding without my sister. You have been traveling the world for too long now and I need you!! I honestly think that I havent been as giddy about this whole wedding because you arent here. You are my best friend, so doesn't it make you sad that you are missing out on all of this? I know you are living your dream, but 1 year turned into three and you have one more year on your teaching contract. I feel selfish about wanting you back, but you are my MOH and I won't see you until the week before the wedding. Come home...it's not fair.

Love,

Erica

Dear Mortgage Centre,

Myself & Mat are coming to see you tomorrow to get approved for a mortgage. It would be fantastic if you could work with us to get us in a range that we want. We're not asking for alot. We don't want a HUGE house or anything unrealistic - just something big enough that if we wanted to stay for the rest of our lives we could. I know we're young & I haven't been working much lately, but Mat's a good man & has a great job & he works very hard for everything we have. Please don't insult us by offering us a miniscule amount that would only let us buy a falling down piece of junk. We're really good people & just need a break. The house we're living in now is going on the market very soon & I expect it will sell quick enough. I really don't want to be homeless. So try to go easy on us, please.

Sincerely,

A very scared & anxious Alex

-----------------------------------------

Dear Bride-to-be (who's name will not be mentioned),

If I am your MOH & you've told people that "all the most important people in your life are you in bridal party" then how come when you found your wedding dress this weekend you didn't even call me? Sure, I got an e-mail with the pictures, but so did like 10 other people. You even called another one of our friends & told her to tell me if she saw me. You really couldn't be bothered to call my house & leave a message like you did on our other friends phone? I'm not mad at you, just pretty hurt. Do you really think I want to spend my time & money to travel 3 hours to go find bridesmaids dressed now?

A very insulted MOH

-----------------------------------------

Dear Job-finding Karma,

Please help me out a little. It's been 6 months & I can't get a "real" job. The only opportunities that are coming up are summer student type positions & I need something that's going to be full-time & can pay my bills! I may not have alot of post-secondary education, but I worked for the Federal Government for frig's sake - you'd think I could get a piddly office job here!

Can you help me out with the most recent interview I had? I went amazing & the owner knew my reference well which helped, but I think I need that extra little push.

Help a girl out please! My EI isn't forever...

Dear FSIL:

Kiss my a**.

You're a snotty bitch and I don't like your 'tude. You want to know why your hotel payment came to almost $900? Because when we told you we were going to pay for 3 nights hotel, we were quite clear that it was 3 nights hotel FOR FAMILY. Your decision to bring an uninvited guest and not even discuss it with us but to just send your flight info which included him doesn't mean we're going to pay for his stay, too.

So, yeah. 3 nights of his stay plus the fourth night. We're paying for you and your daughter for 3 f-ing nights. I think that's pretty damn generous considering what a PITA you are.

And by the way $810 is not "almost $900".

And one more thing? I'm leaving for Mexico in 2 days. Do you really think I have time for this right now?! Why don't you just stay home.

Dear Clock:

Please tick tock a little faster. I am stuck in a training class for one week. Ugh! I need you to move quickly!

Thanks a bunch!

Dear people in the Timmie's drive-through line who order sandwiches when everyone else only wants a coffee & we have to wait like 10 minutes until they make your damn sandwich,

I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Go inside to order!

The pissed off gal who needs her caffeine

Dear Off Your Chest thread,

Thank you for being here when I need it the most.

Love,

Me.

Dear Lana,

Stop being a douchebag. Just because you married your husband to keep up with the Jones', and you don't actually love him, it doesn't mean that I don't miss FI when we're apart. I want to go home, but you won't be taking me. I'm going with Tanya. Go fight with your husband and get divorced already. You made it to your first year anniversary, be proud of that accomplishment and just file for divorce already. Stop making everyone else miserable.

Love,

The sister who is about to punch you in the face.

Dear Tanya,

Thank you for being such a great sister. I love you.

Love,

Your favourite sister.

Dear FI,

I miss you. I can't wait to see you again. Lana wont' get off her damn ass and bring me back home, so I'll be coming with Tanya. This couch just isn't as comfy as I had hoped.

Love,

Your lonely FI

Dear UPS,

Why in the F**K can't you get my address right? YOu delivered the last of the summer clothes I ordered for my honeymoon to the crackhead/gangsters that rent the house three doors down!!!

I HAVE A CHEST SIZE OF DDD! It is like finding a needle in a haystack trying to find tops that cover my well endowed chest! So now I have to go knock on their door and ask them if they have my package. I only hope they haven't 1. Opened the package, 2. Opened the package and got my credit card number.

Your job is to know addresses. You have managed to deliver LOTS of packages to my home - how can you screw up on this one??

Dear Crackhead/Gangster Neighbors,

Please have my package. Please have my package and let it be unopened. I have had a really bad week and just want my clothes. Don't bother me, and I won't bother you.

From your neighbor who just wants her clothes.