Off Your Chest

Dear Beautiful Man Who I am about to Marry,

Thank you for driving all the way here just for the night. I love you so much. I can't wait to be finished and move into our beautiful home!

 

Dear Self,

OK. The wedding is very exciting and you have TONS to do, but don't forget you are STILL IN SCHOOL. I know you wanted to graduate before the wedding, but at this rate, you will be returning for summer school! Also, was it necessary to eat all of that ice-cream tonight? Just because you bought the "light" stuff (totally not worth it by the way) does not mean that you can eat twice as much. REMEMBER THE DRESS (and being on the beach in a bathingsuit in front of all of your friends and family).

Dear building security guard,

 

Wake up and secure something. Stop mumbling "Good Morning" when you see me at 10pm. If you were awake you would know the proper greeting to give. When I asked you to call me a cab to the airport you said you didn't know the number. There is a list of cab #'s posted on your desk but it's a magical list, you have to open your eyes to see it.

 

When I forgot my access card you would not let me on the elevator. I see you 5 days a week - let me upstairs. You said you could get in trouble. Can't you get in trouble for sleeping when you are supposed to be guarding a building where tenants pay 6 figures a month to rent space? Too bad I'm not a burglar because I could steal your keys and make off with pre-release video games for my husband faster than you could wake up and say Good Morning.

 

Jackass. . .

Jessica,
I know! I'm sorry but if you just started your job with this company and working with a co-worker for your training period why would you feel comfortable enough to share porn sites with eachother, especially on the first week of work. Yeah, he isn't at the office but he is still working at Erik's Home (office). The porn site was one of those sites where you can chat with the girls too. Not just pictures. I was furious with Erik.
I immediately told him that I don't want to hang out with him and that he seems like a creepy, leachy, person. I told him to be careful.
Erik understood.

Weird.

Dear stupid people on 57th Street,

 

Its apparent that you can't perform 2 functions at once. For example, if you're already breathing and walking, please don't attempt to talk on your cell phones as well. Your small brains can't handle that much activity and therefore you constantly bump into people. Idiots!!!

 

Dear Self,

 

Good job with not beating up that dumb lady just now. Calm down, you get upset every time you go outside to pick up lunch. Also, good job with not taking the free cookie from Subway just now. Great work and it will pay off . . . eventually.

 

Jen

Dear Neighbor who lives two doors down,

 

Why oh why do you ALWAYS throw your trash in with ours.. I mean really, who does that? And why don't you use the neighbors who you live RIGHT NEXT TOO?? Weirdo...

dear high school girls that I'm subbing for right now,

Why oh why do you think you can get a way with dumb shit when I'm here subbing. I don't tolerate it, I told you this also (not in those words of course). You give me attitude I'll send you straight to the Principals office....

 

Stop with the stupid rolling of the eyes and the "I think I'm better than you" attitude. Now shut up and read quietly!

Those sites are DISTURBING!!!! I caught FI on one of those early in our relationship and FREAKED out! To him it wasn't cheating...I was like, fine I'm going to go get my rocks off while talking to my ex on the phone...I think he got the point! FI has a creepy friend like that as well. He's into the strip clubs and those sites!! I told FI I have ZERO TIME for that shit! He had plenty of time to be a bachelor and a young boy, now be a man! There is a reason his relationship with his wife is dysfunctional!

Dear Men,
What is up with you?? The population of women that look like the ones in your fantasies is so small! And what makes you think, given a chance, they would even want you Get over yourselves.....start acting like men and respect US! We are the fantasy sweethearts..WAKE UP!

Dear WC-

 

Why aren't you getting back to me about the photographers i want? does it really take weeks to find out if they are available and to book it? I am stressing they won't be available and I will be too late to book anyone good. You were so quick in the beginning. What happened? You are supposed to make this less stressful for me because you are doing the work. Can I at least get an update so I know you are working on it?

Dear Self,

 

Why am I so crazy this week? Please lay off poor FI, he is working hard on making sure our house closes on time. It is not his fault the check didn't come in as promised.

 

Dear FI,

 

Sorry I am such a PMS freak right now. I am so stressed out about buying a home. I will try much harder to not bite your head off. I love you so much!

 

Dear Realtor,

 

Get off your butt and fight for us. Stop letting the Seller's Agent bully you into things. Just because you are my BM's dad doesn't mean I won't go crazy on your ass!

 

Dear MIL,

 

Is your mission in life to drive me insane..

 

1. No I don't want you living next door to us for the rest of our lives.. Umm hello we want to live our own life

 

2. COME ON ALREADY.,, are you really trying to tell me you don't know how to check the batteries in a flashlight and you need your son to help you.. YOUR 54 YEARS OLD FOR CRYING OUT LOUD...