Bridesmaid dress dilemma!!!

Being on the other side of this issue, I'll give you my perspective if I were in your BM's shoes...

First, if someone had told me I could pick out my own style of dress in the color they had chosen, I would be thrilled. But at 9 months out, I wouldn't even actively start looking. I might notice dresses as I happened to pass by them in a store, but that's about it. I would probably not do anything until the 6 month mark and then make a decision around the 4 month mark.

If I was then asked to wear a particular dress and upon seeing it, immediately thought the dress was going to look horrible on me--- there probably isn't anything that would make me try it on.

Just like every other woman out there, I can look at a dress and 'know' whether I'm going to be comfortable or not in it. If I know I'm not going to be comfortable wearing it (whether it's an issue with the dress itself or whether it's an image issue), I'm going to be miserable just with the idea of having to spend all day in the dress, on display to a bunch of wedding guests, and recorded in photographs in something I didn't like to wear. That is going to seriously affect my interest and enthusiasm in the bride's wedding.

Now, to explain why I wouldn't even try on the dress you're proposing:

Fat women (who are not comfortable with their size or appearance) *hate* clothing shopping. I remember all the times I went into shops with regular sized or skinny friends and was treated like shit, or got "the look" (the one that says, get out before you scare off other patrons). Bridal shops are geared toward smaller people. Proof of this-- look at the size of dress hanging on the rack at bridal shops. So shopping in a bridal salon for a BM dress, is something that would stress me out, BIG TIME. Dealing with shop employees isn't half as bad as dealing with other shop patrons. Woman are critical, of themselves and each other. And almost every woman out there has weight issues---- either about their own weight, or about other womens--- think about how many times you have thought, said, or heard someone else say, "I'm so glad I don't have her (insert body part)" or "look at... (and pointing or staring)" or "tell me if I start looking like that"... or, (and here's the worst)... they just simply look up and down at larger people with a look that implies they don't want that person anywhere near them....

If your bridesmaid's think they are overweight, this is what your wedding experience is going to be like for them....

Okay, you have 9 months, so I would let it go for now and just tell the colour you are looking at and to go try dresses on so you know what they like.

What I did was pick the desiger that had a colour I wanted. So, I loved the Alfred Angelo Tea Rose colour. So, I emailed them the stores near there house that sold the Alfred Angelo and told them to go look for a dress and if they love it, order it in Tea Rose. Well, mine all happened to want to go together and all loved the same dress. Figures.

I think you tell them the desiger of the dress you love, tell them the 2 colours you love and send them to a store near them to pick out the dress they love. Does that make sense?

They will be really happy that they got to pick it out on their own. And you never know, they might love the dress you picked out, but they have to try it on first, before they will know that.

Thanks girls.. I suppose it is too early to freak out about it.. I just want things to run smoothly (what fantasy world am I livin' in), that's why I am taking action early. I will let it go.. Thanks for all the advice.

[i]I didn't pick them for their looks.. I don't care what they look like[/i]

I think you should care what they look like in the dress. Put yourself in their shoes (or dress !!!!), wouldn't you want to look faboulous in the dress?

My sister-in-law got married and the color she picked was olive green...yes, olive green ! Since her bridemaids were different hights, sizes and shapes, they all had different dresses but they were made with the same material. Everything matched and everyone was very happy.

Now for the other side of the coin. You said you picked out dresses you love. Understandably, you want everything organized as soon as possible and maybe by the time the other bridesmaids get into gear whatever you/they like might not be available any longer. Having not seen the dress nor the BMs, it's hard to judge how the dresses would look on them. On the other hand, if they have not tried the dress on, how can they really say it'll look horrible? Most of us have walked into a bridal shop with a specific idea of what looks good on us and walked out with something completely different/something we would never ever pick up. The wedding is about the bride/couple, not the bridesmaids. Ideally, they should be happy for you, happy to be standing up for you, and suck it up even though they're not going to be in model worthy outfits. I was a BM for my MOH's wedding and she flat out told me I was not a consideration in her choice of BMs outfits (she had BMs in ALL sizes - I was the smallest.) I said OK and went to the David's Bridal to put in the order for whatever she had picked out. Another friend several years previously had asked me to be in her wedding. She'd picked out emerald green for her BMs dresses. I declined. I didn't want to spend money on a dress in a color I dislike to be in a wedding for a friend to whom I was no longer close and who was marrying a man - well.. I thought she could do better. The point is, I didn't really care about what I was wearing to my MOH's wedding because I was truly happy for her and wanted to help make her day more special, and I cared a lot about what I might've been wearing to my other friend's wedding b/c I wasn't vested in that wedding. Now as a bride, I have threatened my MOH with a purple dress with green polka dots (that would look horrible on her) and she just said "whatever you want my dear."

It would be inconsiderate for a bride to pick out something she knows her BMs would look horrible in, but at the same time, I don't think it's fair to let the BMs dictate how the wedding party should look if it's not what you want. I like the idea of giving them a month's deadline to allow them a final say so.

With all that being said, when all the decisions are made, even though the BMs live apart from each other, try to have everyone order from the same actual store so that the dresses will ordered all at once and come from the same dye lot.

Sorry that was so long.

-V-

tell them the choice is the dress you picked out or a skimpy white bikini....(that's what i threatened one of my bridesmaids w/ after wearing celedon in her wedding!).

i'd say set a time limit. i'm a planner too, and get really frustrated when ppl put things off, esp. if there's a chance that the dress will have to be ordered, and then altered, etc. give them a month, or maybe until the 6 month mark before picking out the dress for them.

"The wedding is about the bride/couple, not the bridesmaids. Ideally, they should be happy for you, happy to be standing up for you, and suck it up even though they're not going to be in model worthy outfits. I was a BM for my MOH's wedding and she flat out told me I was not a consideration in her choice of BMs outfits (she had BMs in ALL sizes - I was the smallest.)"

Wow, I gotta say--- if that's the attitude shown to the bridal party, some brides are really lucky to even have bridesmaids. God knows that's the kind of thing that would make me look at the person and say 'fuck you.'

I guess I look at it like, if I'm forcing them to wear what I want them to wear just because it's what I want- then I have waayyyy more issues going on than just picking a color/style. And if I'm asking them to shell out money to be involved in our wedding, then I need to make it a good experience for them too--- because it's not about them catering to me and my demands for "the perfect day." It's about spotlighting the importance that they have in my life and showing them that while I'm making this commitment to my best friend and showing everyone the importance he has in my life, I also want to make the day about showing the importance my bridesmaids have in my life also...