BM Issues

Sorry, I think I was trying to type and work at the same time...I could have been more clear...

no worries...

 

I really hope that I'm not making everyone mad over the view...I just feel bad as I was on both sides myself.

 

one last comment is that my cousin was in the same predicament in that he is broke and didn’t have the funds to pay for flying down to my wedding and living…I told him that I wish he could be there but that I would rather he stay and take care of himself. I could have paid for his flight, I also could have bought him a room, but it is unfair to expect someone to be there because I wanted it. Though I do wish he was there, I am glad he didn’t have to do what I did to make it, and I didn’t have to fork over another couple grand to have him there.

I totally see why you'd be super frustrated with your friend. She goes on and on about how she wants to make it to your wedding no matter what, but yet can't make that effort to save by limiting spending. And I don't think you were asking her to change her lifestyle, she's the one that said she wanted to come!

 

However, I do agree with Erik too - we had the same attitude, if you can"t make it, I am sorry - we will miss you, and we'll send you pictures. We were not upset that anyone couldn't make it, whether or not they couldn't afford it, or just didn't want to spend the money to come to Mexico for our wedding. Their choice!

 

I do think this case isn't that simple though - this girl seems to have made it clear she wants to be there, and wants to spend her $$ to come - then backed out on that, and was given the free ride, but said she'd save up anyway. But then she isn't. I definitely would be frustrated too.

 

Could I talk in circles any more?

I still think the friend is just trying to be nice in person and telling her what she wants to hear, but in private is bitching and revolting...kind of like I did.

I told me friend that I'll do whatever it takes to his face, and then bitched to everyone about why I should...whatever.

I would be willing to bet that if everyone sat down and talked, they would find that this is the case and that guilt and pressure seems to be the driving force as to why one second they said what they did.

Talk to her!!! it'll either get clearer, or you'll come back and yell at me.

ooohhh - we can yell at Erik! he just gave us permission! not a bad idea though (did a guy just suggest to this forum of women that the solution is to talk things out? huh, imagine that). maybe she doesn't really feel like she can/should come, maybe it's too much pressure. i guess i didn't consider that since, were i in her position, i'd probably just say right off the bat "hey, i just can't pull this off, i am sooo sorry" and be done with it. but maybe she is just looking for an out. that sucks all around!

Alright, I was going to quote but I have too much to say. lol

 

I called her last night, she has been watching a friends kid for extra money, and getting paid well to do it, she tells me at the beginning of the conversation (I did not tell her why I was calling off the bat, I wanted to talk to her first).

 

Trust me Erik when I tell you she is not eating Ramen noodles or hawking her stuff. She is doing NOTHING!! She has no money, not even $100 saved for the trip, and we told her 1 year in advance.

 

She wants to be there, she talks about it all the time, how much she wants to be there. I am not forcing her to be there, I told her right from the get go if she can not afford it, that is okay and not to worry. We told everyone this. A lot of people are not coming cause of the money or the timing and I understand that and am totally okay with that.

 

She went shopping with us and put the downpayment on her dress, she said she was going "not matter what", she is the one who has talked about it to me. I have not heard anything about her maybe not coming till 2 weeks ago. She already ordered her dress, I have already bought her gifts for being my BM, I had 2 other friends that I could totally have picked, and would be happy with, but she wanted to be there and told me that from the start. "No matter what". So, I am not forcing her or pressuring her in ANY WAY. I even offered up the free trip ($1000 is free, $400 she would have to pay herself) and she does not even have that $400, she is assuming we will pay for it all. And not we have a GM who we want there as well who is trying to save and has more legit reasons for not being able to come up with the money.

 

Erik, you do not know my recent history like all the other girls on here. My sister's husband (boyfriend of 15 years) passed away 4 days after their wedding, they had a 1 year old at the time and 2 days later she found out she was pregnant. So, my FH and I moved to a new city so we could be there to help her out, I had no job till just last month because I had a really hard time finding one in the new city. So, FH and I bought a house, moved, and he had to support us both for 5 months all the while we are planning our wedding cause it was all booked back when we had more money. So, when you say I am complaining about $2000, you do not realize that we do not have any extra money, let alone $2000. This is a big deal for us right now. I am doing everything in my power to get her there, and I feel like she is doing nothing, come on not even $100 after 1 years notice, I can't be the only one who thinks that means she is not trying at all.

 

I love her to death, we have been friends forever, and of course I WANT HER THERE, but all along, when all the plans were made and the dress was bought and everything, she told me she was coming no matter what. Her not having any money is a very new issue that I was not expecting.

Erik, it sounds like in the situation you were in, that some of the pressure you felt was self-induced. Had you been honest with your friend instead of saying you would do whatever you had to in order to attend his wedding- maybe he would have been more understanding of your situation and graciously let you off the hook. If I had a long-time friend telling me repeatedly that they would do whatever they had to in order to attend our wedding, and then I saw them lose their job and still insist they would attend the wedding, I would offer some assistance to them too because they were still saying they'd be there. If they were honest and said they would love to go but couldn't afford to because of their current situation, then I'd be gracious enough to let them off the hook without any ill feelings.

 

I agree that there are some people who really cannot afford to attend DW's due to life situations (loss of job, hardship, personal issues, work issues, etc...). And with all of the people on this forum, all I've seen as a response is that the bride is understanding and gracious in this situation--- they make sure the person knows it's ok if they can't make it to the wedding.

 

But, I have seen *soooo* many people in life use "I can't afford it" as a mantra, when what they really mean is "It's too much effort, so I don't want to."

 

Personally, only 1 of 5 people in my immediate family are going to attend our wedding, regardless of whether we have a DW or something here in Dallas. 2 of them are my parents, and I'm fine with that---- they are elderly, live in a nursing home and cannot travel. I have 2 brothers who won't be there. One of them is a flake- irresponsible as hell. Lived off his wife for 6 years and ran them into the ground financially. As a result, he's now homeless. While I think his inability to attend our wedding is self-induced since he is irresponsible, I still don't give him grief about it. I have another brother who makes 3x as much as FI and I do, has half the cost of living expenses we have, and with him- I'm a lot less sympathetic. When we announced our wedding plans, his immediate response was that he cannot afford to attend if we have a DW. Really? Is that because he's flying all 5 members of his family across the country to attend his niece-in-law's wedding? Or could it be that other trip they took--- where the entire family went to his brother-in-law's Halloween party haflway across the country also? Or, maybe it was the trip he and his sons made to the east coast to see his friend's daughter when she graduated from the naval academy? No, I'm sure the final straw in his finances was having to come to Dallas for his 2 nephews graduations! Oh wait, he didn't bother to attend those!!!

 

The point is---- sometimes there are people who just simply don't want to be bothered. They would rather spend their money on themselves than special events for people they love and care about. And then there are the other people: the ones who want a couple to make the wedding about them and what's convenient for them.

 

From what Julie is saying, I'm on her side on this one. The BM is spending money on what she wants and not even making an effort to attend the wedding, while Julie has tried to help her as much as possible so she could attend the wedding. And, in my book, that makes the BM a shithead of a friend...

Julie I completely understand being upset at your friend. The most upsetting part of it being that you may not have your best friend at your wedding. I think this is not a clear black and white issue and its a tough one. Here are some of my thoughts:

 

1. It's not cool that she keeps telling you "I'll be there no matter what", and then she seems not to be saving. At the very least she should be honest with you and explain the situation.

 

2. It sucks that GM lost his job and it seems like he really wants to be there and is doing his best to save up what he can. However, I agree with Tammy B that if you already offered the free trip to your friend I don't think you should now tell her that you will only be giving her half a trip. What I would do is have a heart to heart with her and tell her that while you want her there more than anything in the world, if she can't come you completely understand. And furthermore, you should explain to her that while you want her there, if she can't come there is someone that really, really wants to go and you would like to offer the free trip to them. So this way if she doesn't think she will be able to save the money, GM can have the free trip.

 

3. I have to agree with Erik on some things. Even though you have never put the guilt on her or forced her to come, people will always feel obligated no matter what, especially if she is your best friend. I agree with Erik that she probably just tells you what you want to hear but secretly she is complaining about the cost. I know your upset that she hasn't been saving and it stinks that she promised you that she would make it, but the reality of the matter is that she will make her own decisions as to how she spends her money. If she has "a little extra money" and wants to spend it on food or going out, or shopping or whatever, as much as it hurts, the decision is ultimately up to her.

 

4. As far as paying for everyone goes, if you had extra money I would say pay for both of them if you really want them there. But like you said times have been tough until recently and you don't want to go into debt b/c of this. Yes you want them there, but you also have to do what's best for you and FI.

 

I hope everything works out. Keep us posted.

Maria, she really is not a shit head of a friend, she has always been a good friend to me. A little flaky and not so good at saving money yes, but not a shit head, I do not want people to get that impression of her. I just wish she could save something, anything, that will help out a lot cause essentially that is $200 less that FH and I will have to pay when we are already way over our budget.

I did have a heart to heart with her, and I told if she could not come, or felt she could not come cause of money reasons I would understand completely. She said she really wanted to be there. She would do her best. I did let her off the hook and she still chose to come and to "try" to save money. This is where I am confused.

Glenda and TammyB, I am not taking the free trip option away from her, I told her the whole situation and she said she wanted to come still. So, I said it would help to give half to GM, but she said she had no money, so I said it was her's, you are right, I can not take it away from her, and I will not. The problem is the fact that she still needs to come up with the other $400, we can't pay for that as well, and then half of the GM's trip. I am starting to fear, with only 2 and half months to go, that she will not be coming. I am very sad about it, but what more can I do, I gave her the free trip and we are paying half of GM's trip, so if she can not come up with the $400, then I did the best I could to get her there no?