Family is driving me nuts!

I'm very sorry I'm sure this is going to be long but I need a vent.

 

As some of you know, my wedding planning(if you can call it that considering NOTHING has gotten done yet) has been a roller coaster. FI and I got engaged in June and we still don't have anything set in stone. This is all fine and dandy if I hadn't wanted to start planning five months ago, trying to set a date and changing it twice, changing possible locations at least 3 times before finally just deciding that having a DW would not really be possible if we wanted even our closest family and friends there.

 

So now we have found an incredible resort right here at home. We are in love with this place. I have gotten so excited about planning our wedding here and we have finally been able to reserve a date and get the contract details hammered out. But once again, we've hit a wall.

I have gotten us numerous discounts and perks for us and our guests considering that we are having our wedding during the wedding "off season" in Arizona.

Now at the risk of being taken the wrong way, my family is paying for most of the wedding. I'm the first to get married and the oldest granddaughter in the family. FI and I both come from large blended families and we have been blessed with generous families who want to contribute to the wedding. That said, my dad has kind of taken over when it comes to the wedding and while I can't really deny his reasoning that he is the one financing the largest portion, it's still really frustrating that everything depends on him(which is also one of the reasons things have gotten changed so many times already).

 

So I finally get my father to come into town last weekend and to see the resort himself, everything seems to be going great until we start talking about the contract. First he doesn't like that FI and I have decided to not have an open bar(there are many closet alcoholics in my family and having them hovering around the bar all night doesn't appeal to me, plus a large enough part of our guests are either children, highly conservative, or underage, I just don't see the point). Next he starts hashing out who is paying for what, which is completely expected except that he doesn't want to tell me how much he would like to contribute. He wants to know what FI and I were looking at paying for and what my mom and stepdad are pitching in and then acts like what is left is too much. Okay...help me out here a little.

Then he tells me that he wants to pay for all of it up front and says that he wants to try to get a discount since we would be paying for it all in one day. That's just great but um, some of the family can't just fork over all that money right this minute. That's what deposits are for. And here's the kicker, after waiting two weeks for the resort to finally get the updated contract to me, then waiting a week for my dad to come into town on business because he wanted to talk about all this in person, our deadline to have the deposit down is now only 2 days away. I hear back from him as a text today and he says he has a conference call with the catering manager we've been working with tomorrow morning. I ask if I can listen in on that conference call and he never answers, doesn't answer any calls either. I have a feeling the contract is going to change again and I'm going to have no say in it. Whose wedding is this??

It all comes down to just letting him try to get his way, if we haven't gotten this huge mess straightened out by then they can give away our date and we're back to square one. My mom has been so amazing(she knows how he can be) and has said that if it comes down to it, her and my stapdad will put down the deposit but then god knows how offended my dad will be that I didn't let him handle it. I can't win.

 

I feel like all my momentum and excited just fizzled out. I'm stressed and exhausted from stuff going on in life and work and now I'm discouraged when it comes to our wedding too. I've been trying to get other things done but FI doesn't want to do anything because he says our date isn't set yet. I think FI and I may be back at the point of saying that if the date isn't set and planning hasn't gone forward by December, we're eloping. At this point it sounds really nice.

 

Thank you for reading this, it's nice to have you ladies to let it all out to.

OMG!!! talk about stressful. that sounds like a hot smokin' mess. but i promise it will all work out. think about this....we got engaged in June, have changed dates, countries, cruises, etc. I finally get the cruise thing all worked out and BAMMM. no me gusta. fi's company goes under, he is going to start his own business so we move up the wedding.

 

Now i have 37 days to plan an at home wedding! HA!

 

so no worries! just keep your head and hopes up. If you are worried about the contract expiring, call the resort and tell them what is going on. I have a feeling this will not be the first time they have heard it. With it being off season, i am sure they will work with you so you do not lose the resort.

 

i would also try and talk to your dad (if you have not already) and tell him that you want to be more involved. You could even spin it like you want to learn from him and that is why you want to be there. Then, call the resort and tell them you want to be involved too.

 

try not to stress over it. with the economy the way that it is, you would be amazed about how much people will do for you.

 

keep me posted!

Thanks. I've realized that I've been trying so hard to not make my dad feel like he's just there to write the checks(if you can't tell there is a long history of guilt trips and family politics concerning money) that I'm letting him turn this into a bigger affair than FI and I want it to be. We're pretty laid back and my dad is all about appearances, it's not meshing very well. This is not an isolated incident, the wedding is just bringing out so many issues concerning my relationship with my dad and even my step mom(looong story won't go into that here) and the wedding is just going to require me to finally put my foot down and show them that money does not equal control and power in my life as it does theirs.

 

FI has been really good in all this supporting me, I guess it's better he gets to see how crazy and dysfunctional the family he's marrying into is now instead of after. lol.

Good Luck with everything, I hate how people get so crazy about weddings they forget what and who its about. Good luck and hopefully everything will work out!! But..I also like the eloping idea! lol then just have a reception!

Okay...so maybe I'm completely nuts about this but, one of the biggest reasons why we haven't eloped yet(besides not having a few people we're really close to be there) is because I would really love to have a reception and Idk, I've always thought that people that elope don't really "deserve" to have a reception. Like you chose to take off and do the wedding for just you two, having a reception just feels like asking for presents for the wedding you didn't bother to have for everyone. Sounds dumb when I type it out.

Good Luck with everything... What if you just sit down with your dad and really speak to him and remind him that it is your day. Wish you the best...

LMAO!!! okay we are soooo much alike. I too was like, what's up with the whole reception thing I even kind of thought that about having at AHR at first. I thought that it looked so greedy! HA!

But now, with all of this psycho stress going on - i have competely changed my tune!!!! I think i have realized that the reception is not for you, but for all of your guests. Think about it - as a guest, the reception is wayyyy more fun then the ceremony. it is basically another excuse to party. And who does not want to party??

Here's the thing....families are soooo complicated. It sucks b/c you feel like you have to please EVERYONE in one way or another. I come from a very close (and opinionated) Colombian family and I started to get overwhelmed everyone's different ideas and suggestions started pouring in. I understand that it's a sticky situation when money is involved, but the most important thing to remember is that this day is a/b YOU and your FI!!! If you don't make your wishes respected now, it will only get worse...imagine when you have kids!!!

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with eloping or having a DW and then hosting a reception later. If you feel uncomfortable, don't register for gifts, or put on the invitation that "your presence is gift enough". The point is to have everyone you love share your joy.

 

Bottom line....DO YOU FIRST!!!!! everyone else comes in second...good luck hon!!!

completely agree with carolina24 - you have to do what YOU want. and having a reception does not mean that you are asking for gifts!

So here we are, a month later....And I'm sorry but it's time for another vent/rant.

 

Contract is still not signed. All this time my loving, doting, father(I say that with as much sarcasm as I can muster) has been "negotiating" the contract with the WC at the resort. All the while assuring me that our date is safe and that he has things under control, knows what he's doing because he throws events for his company all the time and is contact with the WC.

Then last week the woman e-mails both of us saying that someone else was interested in the date so to get back to her in the next 48 hours with the contract signed or the date would go back into the system.

I of course completely lose it(which my amazing FI had to witness and attempt to calm me down so I could communicate in a more constructive way than saying I'm gonna kill him! over and over, bridezilla moment much?) All I have to say is that it is probably a good thing that my dad lives in another state or I would have really caused some family drama.

 

So the next day my dad calls me and says he is coming to town for some business meetings and has set up a meeting with the resort for us on Tuesday(tomorrow). Um, thanks for not consulting me on this but ok. I call my work and ask for the day off, no problem, my manager gives me the day off(even though I really need all the hours I can get right now). I get my work schedule, everything seems okay.

 

Then I finally get a hold of dad again after 3 days of him not answering my phone calls or texts. He informs me that he had to switch the meeting to Wednesday...the day I absolutely cannot take off of work. At first he doesn't see a problem with the fact that neither I, FI, or my mother could make it to the meeting with him. By the end of the call he says he'll see what he can do.

 

Tonight I talk to him and he asks, you said Wednesday worked better for you right?

I can't believe this.

I've heard of FMIL and even mothers of the bride being momzillas but seriously, I have no clue what is going on in his head right now. Even FI who is usually a really laid back guy is getting upset with him and that's really not how I want their relationship to start.

 

So as it stands, I will have to get off work and drive across town to go to a meeting that will have been set for a half an hour(at least) before I can get there. Last I talked to him I asked him to come to dinner with FI and I, and my mom and stepdad tomorrow night to talk things out and finally once and for all(after 6 months of beating around the bush) hash out the expectations and the budget. At this point, I have to honestly say that I don't even expect him to show. I fully expect for him to call me a half hour before and tell me that a meeting(aka taking a client out for drinks) ran late and he has to take care of that. And I don't know how I'm going to handle that.

 

By the way, I am just now realizing that I have less than 6 months to completely plan our wedding considering the only things I've been able to get done is find the place and find(not even order yet) my wedding dress. I'm starting to really get uneasy.

Not to mention my MOH is in Oregon and was supposed to come back here to visit family and help me with wedding stuff(not to mention take me out and help me regain my sanity) and I just found out she isn't planning on coming back until spring because her family isn't planning anything for Christmas so she "didn't see any reason to make the trip yet". I'm trying not to feel hurt but it's hard.

And the icing on the cake is that I'm unexpectedly moving between next week and Christmas. Lovely.

 

Phew, thank you ladies again for listening to my,oh so interesting, family politics and myself letting the stress get to me. I feel a ton better.