Just don't know what to do anymore....

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I know I should have never involved my family in my problems!

 

What I did – last week I confronted my FI about a religious school issue we could not agree on, that was sitting in the back of my mind, and he kind of freaked out, as did I. I got so upset that I called my mom and told her our wedding was off because we could not come to terms with this. I was very upset and said I was going to move out b/c I just couldn’t handle it. She said she thought I was doing the right thing if he really couldn’t compromise.

 

The next day I also called my brother and told him everything as well. At this point I was sure the wedding would be off because we could just not see eye to eye. I was really an emotional wreck over the whole thing.

 

I decided not to leave our house, which upset my parents. Instead, I stayed with my FI. Now, several days later, after the dust has cleared we have agreed on a compromise, and the school won’t be an issue, because my FI has decided the religious schooling issue is not as important as our marriage and my comfort. But now my family is really alarmed and think the wedding is coming up too fast and that we should postpone it. Yesterday, my mom emailed me to tell me that as a family unit, they have decided they cannot attend our wedding in January, because they feel my behavior has been irrational.

 

I tried to talk to my brother and tell him we have worked it out, but he says the whole family thinks this is tainted now, and they don’t feel comfortable based on what has happened. It bothers me that they felt they needed to take a stand in this way, and I just don’t know what I can do to change their minds. The lesson in this is that I can’t involve them when we get into fights. I know this was a serious issue, but we really did come to an agreement we can both live with now, which is what I was asking for in the beginning. So I don’t know where to go from here.

 

I see why they might be worried based on what happened, but I don’t think they need to call of their trips. This is very hurtful to me. I don’t think they have been fully supportive from the beginning, and that this might be another way for them to voice that opinion. I know we had a serious issue, but I also think that planning a wedding can be a stressful time, and sometimes these emotions surface, and not in the prettiest of ways.

 

Aside from this issue, we don’t have a history of horrible fighting. We have had disagreements before but we mostly have always gotten along quite well. I never wanted to really call it off, but I was just so upset at the time!! That was the last thing I really wanted to do.

 

I also think there is a money issue involved. On top of this I have felt extreme guilt about making my family pay for the trip. No one said anything at first, and then waited so long to book, that prices really shot up. Now they say it is too expensive and my brother told me he can’t afford it now, to top everything else off. When I told them what happened, they seemed almost excited to cancel their trips!

 

What a mess! What should I do

I think the best thing you can do is just level with your family. Explain that you and your fiance rarely fight, and when this issue came up that seemed unsolvable you weren't sure how to deal with it, as you have never encountered it before. Tell them you initially overreacted and since then you and your fiance have found a compromise that suits both of you. And as a result of the whole thing you are stronger than ever as you've learned that you are, together, capable of overcoming these obstacles.

 

Then explain that you would be elated to have them at your wedding, but will not be pressured into postponing an event that you feel so certain about. Tell them you fear they will regret the decision not to attend their daughter's wedding, but that it is their mistake to make if that is the route they choose to take. Remind them that their actions will not go unnoticed by your husband to be and his family. And they may be doing damage that will not be easily undone.

 

Hopefully when they see you taking a strong stance on it, they will be reassured of your resolve to be with this man and open themselves back up to him. It is not for a family to judge, but to love and support and accept.

 

I hope your family can come to that. Good luck!

I guess I'm confused on the severity of the argument. So everytime you and your FI get in a large fight (cause hello- they do happen and I doubt this will be your last!) they will feel that your relationship is unstable and they can't support that? Sorry but young couples sometimes struggle in the beginning to understand one another's viewpoints and to learn the art of compromising.

 

I think your parents need to be reminded of that. It's not like they are the same couple they were 30 years ago. Realtionships grow and evolve and part of that is learning how to communicate and compromise with your partner.

 

Throw some different religious beliefs in (I think that's what you were fighting about right?) and the whole subject becomes even more touchy. If you two are ok with the differences, then your family should be supportive. Period. However, do keep in mind that once children come into play this whole fight can rear it's ugly head again.

This is exactly what happened! I feel like a fool now, but at the time I didn't think I had anywhere to turn, and I now realized I made a HUGE mistake.

The funny thing is, I remember my bro and SIL got into one big argument before their wedding a couple years ago too, and my parents also acted very dramatic (though their wedding was here, and she was preggers, so they didn't quite AS upset, I don't think).

I think the religion item has made it touchy also. And I know this could come up again and again, so that is why we are having these discussions now (what kind of school do we want our children to attend?) before our wedding, not later. I know you can't predict everything, but the important part is we are willing to work with each other so we are both comfortable.

I feel like I just need to take a break from them all for a few days and focus back on the wedding and planning. Right now I am spending so much time worrying that I having a hard time getting back to the excited place I was before.

I agree that you should just stay firm about your plans. If you've explained to them that the issue has been resolved and that you two are able to move forward that should really be good enough. The reality of it is all couples fight occasionally; it sounds like you two needed to clear the air about this issue and that's healthy. Man, I remember my Mother calling her sister to complain about my Dad when I was a kid- and my parents have been married thirty-seven years! I hope your family come around once they realize that you're not going to give in.

I completely agree with Rachel! You are very aware of what you are and are not capable of in a relationship. Just make sure to be extra careful in what you say to your family, and try not to be overly upset if you both have a disagreement. Good luck, and hopefully your family will encourage and be supportive of your marriage over the coming years!

It sounds to me as if the real issue is that they are having an issue with paying for the trip. I would kindly explain to my family that they should not hold it against you that you felt comfortable enough with them to be truthful to them about an issue in your relationship. Tell them that if they do not come that they will have broken your heart. Explain that you are going to get married regardless and that you want them there. No you do not understand their insistence on not attending one of the most important days of your life because they THINK you are acting irrationally.

 

I feel so bad for you....I hope it all works out.

Dear God Girl are you the only female in your family We're emotional nuts jobs at times. Tell them to cut you some slack!!!! You're stressed, in love, scared, overwhelmed, excited, and a complete push my button and "I kill you". I over read something and all the above took me down a path I shouldn't have gone. Give me a break please..........

I agree SusieQ... we are emotional. eec129, I say keep your date and move forward as planned. If they show up great, if not the day is really about you. Also, learn from this and try not to run to your family with every concern. I think it can be tough, my family will take my side on most everything so it's a great way to make me feel better about situations, but it doesn't help FI and I work together to solve things. It can just complicate the situation by haveing too many people involved and really backfire like it did for you. Hang in there.

I think it's always a good idea to not bitch to heavily about your significant other to anyone- friends, family, what not. Obviously people that love you will have your back and then when you kiss and make up with your honey, they are left feeling like he's a dirt bag. Not saying that's what happened here- just a general comment.