F-MIL part two

[TammyB]

Natasha, you are a very wise women. Thankyou for all your great advise. I think your right, I think Marty needs to understand that many things she want's to talk about or things she doesn isn't ok with me, even if it doesn't bug Cain because hes used to her, she needs to respect that I'm not her son/daughter and she needs to know that certain things can't be discussed. I however know this will be very hard for her, she has told me that when her Mom was alive they used to talk about everything, from her sex life, money or whatever. And I'm sure in her mind she thinks it ok to talk like that to her son and F-DIL. But it's not.. There is a LONG list of things I could sit back and say that she shouldn't be doing, I know when I sent her the initial email I only listed the top two things because I didn't want her to think I was coming down on her, granted opening our mail should have been a given but clearly it wasn't.

 

Cain is a very easy going guy, and doesn't like to fight with people, even more so his mother because that is all he had growing up. BUT that doesn't mean she can do what she wants because she feels she has earned the right. And Cain needs to let her know he's a big boy now and she needs to respect our privacy and our rules when she is living under our roof. If I were to be a guest in someones house and if they had some crazy rule about something, I would do it because it's their home, and I should be greatful they let me stay there.

 

Thanks again Natasha, I think Cain and I will need to plan on sitting down this weekend and talk about how were going to tackle the problems with his Mother and then both of us sit down and tell her the way we want things. Like you said, if she doesn't like it then she can either find another place to stay or learn to live with our rules until she moves out. It's no longer about he said/she said, it's about respecting one another and her knowing that she is a guest in our home.... Period..

[TammyB]

***YET ANOTHER UPDATE*****

 

So me being who I' am I decided to "test" Marty. Cain and I received a package yesterday, it was the Christmas cards we ordered. So I decided to "prove a point" so I placed them "just right" on the table, and the stuff inside was a way I would be able to tell if they were looked at. SO I come home for lunch and see that it was all messed up, inside and out. I asked Cain if he had a chance to look at the pictures, and he said "nope" and he got up and we looked at them together. OK so I'm 99.9 % sure she went through our freakin mail again.. OMG I'm so pissed... I kept quiet about it because I knew it would stress Cain out, but OMG... OH and BTW he read all the emails that Marty and I sent and he said his Ma was over reacting and NOTHING was wrong with my emails. This women is a real piece of work..

[LCBride2007]

You should have put a note at the bottom of the box saying "please leave our mail alone" or something - so she knows you know she was in there! Or set her up again and do it.

 

Ok, maybe that's not very mature - but it would let her know you're not stupid, and you know what she's up to. What is that woman's issue!?

[TammyB]

You now as much as I'm pissed about this whole thing, the way she is acting is almost funny.. I mean a grown women in her 50's acting like a 5 year old you told to stay out of the cookie jar, no matter how many times you say something the minute you turn your back, he/she has to get their hands in it.

 

Maybe instead of a note next time in the letter I'll buy a mouse trap.. When I see her hand all swollen I would be like "oh what happened to you".. Now that would be funny..

[LCBride2007]

Ok, I strongly promote the "don't stoop to her level" theory - but THAT would be hilarious! And you know, she couldn't complain, she would have no right to complain after being busted so hard!

[A10CalGal]

Quote:

Originally Posted by TAMMYM ***YET ANOTHER UPDATE***** So me being who I' am I decided to "test" Marty. Cain and I received a package yesterday, it was the Christmas cards we ordered. So I decided to "prove a point" so I placed them "just right" on the table, and the stuff inside was a way I would be able to tell if they were looked at. SO I come home for lunch and see that it was all messed up, inside and out. I asked Cain if he had a chance to look at the pictures, and he said "nope" and he got up and we looked at them together. OK so I'm 99.9 % sure she went through our freakin mail again.. OMG I'm so pissed... I kept quiet about it because I knew it would stress Cain out, but OMG... OH and BTW he read all the emails that Marty and I sent and he said his Ma was over reacting and NOTHING was wrong with my emails. This women is a real piece of work..

That would be it for me Tammy. I would go ahead & assume that while you are out she is also perusing your dresser drawers, personal belongings, closet, boxes, etc and reading your journal (if you keep one). That kind of violation of privacy is a total deal breaker for me. I would pack her sh*t and leave it on the porch. Wow.

I love Natasha's suggestions about how to handle this. I am a firm believer in setting appropriate boundaries early on to avoid future pitfalls. Of course I only learned that after many years of therapy and horrible relationships If you don't set some clear boundaries (and stick to them) you have a long future ahead of you of total frustration and feeling like a victim. She's going to be living nearby it sounds like, so I would not avoid this necessity. She is manipulating you in just the way she wants right now - do not give her this power anymore!

If setting boundaries feels difficult or foreign to you, I highly recommend getting this book: Boundaries and Relationships: knowing, protecting and enjoying the self by Charles Whitfield. You can actually read the book on Google Books (click this link, it will take you to the online book).

[TammyB]

OMG Christa, you just sparked a thought,, I hope she doesn't think she has the right to our key to our home once she moves out? I WILL talk to Cain about this I can see it now, her coming and going as she pleases and God only knows what else she would do when were not home.

[LCBride2007]

I have to agree with Christa (and Natasha). As much as we joke about all the things you can do, this could really be a problem in the future. Christa makes a good point, she will be living so close by that this could really be an issue in the future. I'd hate to see her make your entire life miserable, just because of how she is - so the sooner you can get some rules and boundaries in place, the better. I know it can't be easy, for you or for Cain, but I do think the sooner you two deal with this the better it will be, for everyone!

[Natalie Z]

Wow Tammy, I have just spent the last 10 minutes reading all of this! Ok my opinion... I'm the type of person that can't keep anything inside of me!!! I did that for along time in my life with my ex-husband and I gave myself an ulcer(sp?) So now if something is bothering me I tell that person up front and depending on how they are saying it, it goes back the same way!!! Tammy, I definitely think you need to say something to her about everything that is bothering you, what is the point of keeping it all in? Like you said you are miserable over this and you can make yourself sick! She needs to be put in her place and realize that she is not in control of the situation. I definitely would make and list of everything that has been bothering you so if/when you are telling her you don't get flustered and forget everything you need to say. I do agree with the other girls that sometimes it isn't good to stoop down to someone's level but this situation is out of control!! Cain needs to support you all the way and let his mom know verbally that he supports you 100%. Maybe when she see's him put his foot down as well, she will come to her senses. Sorry but if she doesn't right away I'm sure eventually she will. I mean she won't be able to keep away from you guys that long. She really doesn't have anyone else to go to!!! It will be hard telling her everything that is bothering you because you know that it is Cain's mother but come on this women as put you through hell for quite some time and no one deserves this! She knows she can and she will keep on doing it until you put a stop to it!! Did you ever see that movie with J-Lo called monster-in-law? This whole situation makes me think of this! This is just what I would do! Good Luck! I'm thinking of you!

[TammyB]

Well.. Cain talked to her on the phone last night, He only told me bits and pieces of the conversation but he told his Ma that she is totally over reacting with everything. She of course started blaming everthing on me again, and Cain said "Ma I don't think you realize how much stuff you move around and the things you say to Tammy" then he gave a few examples and told her how would she like it if someone did those things. I think she is s-l-o-w-l-y seeting the big picture. I guess Marty is going to a Christmas party at her old office this weekend (about 2 hours away) and will be gone most of the weekend. So Cain said when she gets back all three of us need to sit down together and talk it out. SO we'll see what comes out of it Sunday..