F-MIL part two

[Sarah]

Then can't you just have a Christmas party every day for the next two months? Perhaps enlist a couple family members to come over each night and exchange gifts- if it would keep her in line. hehe

[A10CalGal]

Quote:

Originally Posted by JENESIS I just read all of this, and I just can't imagine the amount of time I would spend in bars if I had to go home to that..

OH my gosh, you are soooo true. That would be me too.

Quote:

Originally Posted by AQHARIDER Then can't you just have a Christmas party every day for the next two months? Perhaps enlist a couple family members to come over each night and exchange gifts- if it would keep her in line. hehe

Excellent idea Sarah! Tee heee!!

[destinationbride07]

Quote:

Originally Posted by TAMMYM Hmm maybe I'll just tell her if she can't be nice then she can stay up in her room.. :-) Ok so I wouldn't do that, but Ohhhh how I would love too..

Maybe you should consider that….It can be said in a nice way…like this

YOU SAY: I know we have been bickering over the past few weeks but let’s make amends and enjoy ourselves this holiday at (FI NAME) and I holiday party. I really want you to be apart of this and I want us to do this party as a family, so would you please join us.

Now if she comes back as a bitch then let her go and tell FI to tell her she is not welcomed.

[destinationbride07]

Quote:

Originally Posted by TAMMYM Ann it's so hard right now for me not to treat her like she's acting and treating me. I'm trying SOOO hard to not stoop to her level. Right now I don't want to deal with her, shoot she was suppose to present us with our rings at our wedding and now I don't want her to do that, I would rather have Cain give me my ring. She doesn't deserve to be apart of it, she only earns the right to watch the wedding. I know this sounds harsh, but the way she is acting and treating me is totally uncalled for...

Sweety you are doing a good job at combating her…my story would have been on the news! Lol …..I totally don’t blame you for not wanting to deal her who wants to deal with that…especially in your own home…and I don’t think it is harsh do what you have to do to be happy especially since you are about to get married…sometimes it has to be about YOU..

[TOESNTHESND]

Tammy- OMG seriously Cain needs to put his mother in check! I just read all of this today and sweetie you need to draw the line. I swear that is an old mexican lady for you. I hate to say it but its true, I know my mom is the same way! When i briefly lived at home for 6 months after college, she would open and read ALL my mail! WTF? GRRRRR Cain should address this with her because she doesnt want to respond to your kind gestures and just think if you dont nip it in the bud now, just wait til you have kids! And he is the only son, forget it. She is surely afraid of being replaced, no wonder she is acting out.

[TammyB]

Well now Natalie, since your used to "Old mexican ladies" I say the best option is to send her your way.. :-)

 

Oh man,, I think I need to omend my secret Santa list and under "wants" I'll list: for some very kind couple to let my MIL move in with them for the next couple of months.

[MERRYME]

Well there is the saying "kill her with KINDNESS!"... and a smile!

 

You need to step back and realize just how much energy and time you are waisting going back and forth. You should be spending that tiem with Cain or planning you wedding!

 

Listen, you are giving her exactly what she wants- you are letting her make you miseraable AND she is enjoying it! Step back and put this into perspective.. you asked her to move in... you had to have known that she was a piece of work even before she moved in? HECK, I knew my FMIL HATED me right of the bat! I knew to stay away from her!

 

Try to make the best of a VERY BAD situation and just grin an bear it! (TWO MONTHS!!) Stay away from her and try not to lether get to you. Maybe if she sees that her behavious no longer affects you then she will STOP!

[NATASHA]

Quote:

Originally Posted by gkashmira Unfortunately you guys need to sit and talk or you risk ruining your future relationship. I would start with something like, "It's hard for three strong, smart, independant adults to live together. I love you and I want us to be able to communicate openly and honestly with each other. Family is very important to me and I knoe that it's important to you as well."

I agree with Kash's outline here, except I have one very crucial piece of advice.

You and Cain MUST sit down together in advance and map out the rules. That sounds awful, but it's really not. This is a reverse parent/child relationship and she does not have the benefit of the rules in advance like you do when you're the parent raising your child. To make matters worse, she's not hearing it from her son. You are getting the responsibility of setting acceptable house rules without Cain having to take charge and communicate them - she will respond to him, but see you as causing waves and being unreasonable.

This is your partnership and Cain needs to understand the issues and work with you to create the rules that his mother must abide by or find alternate living conditions. Period.

Examples:
-The only time that she should touch your mail is if you specifically ask her to open it for some reason. If she violates this - she needs to leave. Even if she thinks it's not a big deal because it's just a Christmas card - she doesn't get to make that call. Period.

-Your bedroom is off limits. While you appreciate the assistance with laundry and cleaning, you want to forgo that to respect your own privacy. She should not enter your bedroom for any reason unless you specifically request it.

-She needs to have two nights out a week so that you and Cain can enjoy your home together alone. Even if he is at work - you should be given the respect and peace to be at home alone and any good houseguest would understand that.

-Just like any renter, she is responsible for any damage that is done to the furniture, your cabinets, the carpet, or the door by her dog. Let her know that you will be bringing in a repair person when she moves out and she will be responsible for paying for it. If she wants you to get three bids, you're happy to do that. What's important here is that she has the choice to ensure her dog behaves or pay for it later. She's an adult.

-Conversations about the relationship between you and Cain are off limits. Don't ask - don't get involved.

My personal opinion, is that Cain also needs to clearly identify that you are the "woman of the house" however wierd that might sound.

In no uncertain terms, and however uncomfortable he is with this, he needs to clearly state that she is to respect you, give you the benefit of the doubt, and understand that you (and Cain) have no greater desire than to ensure a long and healthy relationship and any doubt in her mind about that needs to be clearly addressed in that conversation or she needs to find other housing. If she says something like, "well I feel like I'm not being respected." The only appropriate response is, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but you are a guest in this house and I know my wife has no greater desire than to help family and preserve a long and lasting relationship with me. I will always be by her side giving her the benefit of the doubt given that and I strongly recommend you do as well. If you feel unable to do that, perhaps we can find somewhere else for you to stay."

It's time to be firm - if Cain isn't - this will be a problem for many years. There is no need to go into details or entertain he said/she said. It's just pure, direct, this is the way it is, "and we know that you understand because you have probably experienced this yourself at some point in your life."

[gkashmira]

I agree with Natasha - the time has come to lay down the rules. She is totalyl right - you and cain need to map out your plan ahead of time - that way what gets said comes from a unified front. Just like parents who disagree "kids" will find that crack in therir opiniosn and then drive it apart to get what they want (we all know this because we USED to be kids... turns out your FMIL still is one).

 

But I think what the ladies here have said is very true - if you don't fix this problem now this will be an ongoing issue when you have kids etc. (think "Everybody Loves Raymond"). We're here for you.

 

What about another family member - does your FMIL have any siblings close-by or cousins or close friends - maybe it's time for her to move on. I still say try and get her to rent her own place and get out but I knwo it's not really a feasible option or you guys would have done it in the first place.

[NATASHA]

I just thought of a story that might be helpful.

 

When we first announced our engagement (except to his mother who we had told a month earlier) at a family gathering, as soon as I walked out of the room, my MIL asked my husband, "What religion is she?"

 

She knew that I wasn't religions- we had discussed it twice. My MIL is very nice, but she is also very devoted to Catholicism - she even considered becoming a nun at one time.

 

I entered the room right as I saw my husband very tersely saying, "she's an athiest - just like me." I softened the blow, "hey, that's a bit strong, I'm spritual, I am pretty open..." etc.

 

Later that evening we discussed he. He explained that it was crucial that she have the boundaries right away. He said he has a very good relationship with his mother today because of years of boundary setting when he was just out of college.

 

A few months later, all three of us sat down and my husband said the following,

-we respect your dedication to your religion

-we do not share your point of view

-we expect you to respect our choices

-we are having a civil ceremony that we are going to write

-should we decide to have children, you will not be taking them to church. We will introduce various religions and conversations about religions on our own schedule in our own manner.

 

Can you live with that?

 

She responded affirmatively and that she understands. Further, she said, "on Sunday, I go to church. If I am watching the children - will you please make other arrangements so that I don't have the responsibility of doing so?"

 

We said that was totally fair and yes we would.

 

OK - we're not having children anytime soon, but I have learned by watching Shawn. She was totally drama free given this very direct conversation. Further, she NEVER brought up the fact that we were not having a religious ceremony. I even know that she didn't discuss it among the family members because one of them (almost all drama queens) would have brought it up to try to stir the pot.

 

I get what he was doing now and really appreciate it. I really believe she does, too. We had a few other conversations as well to help her know which holidays we would travel and which we wouldn't, how we're dedicating time, though, to spending one-on-one time with her, etc. It has made all the difference in the world and we have a good relationship because of it.