Never thought I'd be in this boat -- devastated!

[Sharonie]

See, we immigrated from China. In China, it is not a practice to change name after marriage. Although girls are not expected to carry down family name there anyway. I came here at a young age and am much more americanized. But I'm not doing this just because it is a common practice or tradition here. It makes me feel closer to my new family by sharing the same name. He feels that it is not required since my sister didn't change hers and a couple of his American co-workers didn't change theirs. He doesn't understand this is the couple's choice. We're pleading our case only because I respect him not because I need his permission.

 

Anyhoo, I am going to try to talk to my mom and see if she can help out (she doesn't care that I change it). It still makes me sad knowing that I might be walking down the isle alone and that I've always been pretty close to my parents.

[Chiquita]

Plus 1 to everything Mrs.B2008 said. That is complete crap!

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mrs.B 2008 Wow i am really sorry to hear that you are dealing with this. I think that it is ridiculous for your parents to demand that you keep their name. 1st of all - you are a grown ass woman - 2nd you are becoming a family with your FI and plan to have kids and do not need ANYONE's permission to change your name or not change it. and 3rd - if they are willing to miss your wedding b/c they cannot manipulate you into doing what they want, then shame on them. you are NOT being selfish - this isn't about you - they are being completely self centered and manipulative. i am really sorry but i say stay strong and stand your ground as painful as it may be. you need to set a precedent now that you and your FH will not be controlled by them. what will be next? how you raise you kids? etc?

[Spazz]

I agree with what everyone else said. You are NOT being selfish! I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

[IrieBride08]

Ahhhh, didn't realize cultural customs were at play here. I hope your mother is able to help him be reasonable about your desire to take your husbands name!

 

[Rachelle E.]

I have to say I think that your dad is being ridiculous. What reason does he have for saying this?! And even so, with all the most convincing reasons in the world, if you wanted to change your name to Strawberry Shortcake Jones it's really none of his business! You're the one who has to live with whatever name for the rest of your life.

 

And I am curious...does your mom share his last name? How would he have felt if she was so determined to keep HER maiden name?

 

And I agree...call him on his bluff. I can't imagine him ACTUALLY missing the entire thing & looking like an A$$ to all your family and friends over this issue. If nothing else, I would think that his pride would get the better of him. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's awful and I feel terrible for you. To be brutally honest, I think it terrible of him to put you in this position.

[Sharonie]

Thanks everyone! I just needed to vent and I know you ladies would all be here to support me!!!

 

I am going to call my mom (I'm closer to her) and have my sister talk to my dad (she's closer to him) and see if he'll listen. If it were a matter of carrying his family name since there's no boy I can understand where he is coming from. The thing is my sister did not change her last name so I know that is not the issue. He claims that by changing the last name I am no longer part of his family (hence not his daughter) that is just not an acceptable reason. Is a last name more important than the blood and the person?

 

I will stay strong to fight through this issue and hope he'll come around. I will keep you ladies updated. Thanks for all the support again.

[Rachelle E.]

well technically you are starting your own family w/ your FI right? Hopefully he'll start to come around....I think keeping the maiden name as your middle name is a good compromise....not that you need to compromise...but hopefully he'll recognize that. That you're not trying to reject him or distance yourself or anything of that sort.

 

Good luck in all this!!!

[Maura]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mrs.B 2008 Wow i am really sorry to hear that you are dealing with this. I think that it is ridiculous for your parents to demand that you keep their name. 1st of all - you are a grown ass woman - 2nd you are becoming a family with your FI and plan to have kids and do not need ANYONE's permission to change your name or not change it. and 3rd - if they are willing to miss your wedding b/c they cannot manipulate you into doing what they want, then shame on them.

I totally have to agree with everything Alyssa said here. I do, however, understand the cultural issue and wanting to respect your parents. I am a journalist and I personally don't give a rat's ass about keeping my last name, I am looking forward to taking my FH's name when we get married --- although I am well-established at my job with my maiden name and will continue to use my maiden name for publishing purposes. It's just too much of a pain to contact all of my sources and let them know my name is going to change in August. Legally, I will be changing my name to have the same last name as my FH, and in the future, my kids will share his last name also. I'm marrying into a Mexican family in which tradition is very important, but even they can understand that I need to keep my maiden name professionally because of what I do. My last name is sort of like a brand trademark that people trust.

Can you just keep your maiden name for professional purposes but legally change your name to your FH's last name? Your dear old dad doesn't really have to know about it. I agree with Kate and I don't advocate lying to the rents, but.... your dad is way out of line on this one. If you let him tell you what to do now, what are you going to do when your kids are born and he insists they carry your last name and not your husbands? I think you really need to put your foot down on this one, as much as it might cause an argument, you ARE a grown woman and this is your choice to make, not his.

[Sarah]

I don't care what your dad's reasons are- it's selfish and unreasonable for him to act like that. Change your name. He'll get over it. Or, just don't discuss it right now- don't give him and answer- and after the wedding change it.

[LCBride2007]

wow. your dad (or anyone) has no right to tell you what you should do with your name. i can't believe how selfish HE is being! i'd honestly just tell him that you're sorry he feels that way, but this is your life, your name, and your decision. you hope that he comes around, but if not, he will be missed at the wedding. what a pain to have to deal with!