Help! Disaster In The Making?!

Sarah2017 · June 26, 2017

I’m new here but was googling for some insight and came across this site. Couldn’t quite find a scenario like mine (not surprising) so figured I would ask my own question for some outside input as I’m stuck rumaging through my brain right now.

There’s too much background info to get into, but basically my mother has been a functioning/nonfunctioning alcoholic and narcissist my entire life. I love her to death but there’s always been a strain on our relationship and I’ve felt like I’ve had to “watch out” for her, especially the last 5 or so years (I’m 26). She has a pretty intense personality without alcohol, but she often becomes belligerent and verbally abusive when she comes in contact with any amount of alcohol.

Change pages to my fiance- he’s an amazing partner and father to my 7yo son. He comes from an Asian (Indian) family, and he showcases many of their values- education, etiquette, order, and most importantly- respect. We’ve been together a little over 2 years now and are getting married later this year. He had a few brief encounters with my mom that were decent, but other than that he only experienced her through what I shared with him of our relationship- until this weekend. We moved across country 4 months ago and she just came to visit. She seemed to be doing well in life and told me she had not been drinking for a long time, and I SURELY didn’t think she would drink as she hadn’t seen us in months and would only be here for a few days. Well, I was wrong. Things were fantastic all the way up until the last day- in which she snuck and drank while my fiance and I were at work and our son was at school. He got home first and before I got there she had made more than one very disrespectful comment about him, including referencing him being a terrorist and comparing his family to The Jungle Book. IT WAS HORRIFYING. When I finally got here, she blew up and was full blown screaming and saying mean things to us all. Terrible is an understatement. I had her leave earlier than expected, and I’m still dealing with the aftermath. My fiance had never been exposed to anything like that and was distraught. He’s refusing to ever have anything else to do with her and saying she’s never welcome in our home. It’s sad that I’m a bit numb to it, but I respect his wishes as I can’t imagine anyone let alone his parents ever treating me that way.

SO…with all that being said- here’s my concern: we will be having our wedding at an all-inclusive resort in Mexico, meaning alcohol EVERYWHERE. I was really believing (false hope) nothing would happen when she visited here, but apparently I was wrong. I’m concerned, and my fiance is even MORE concerned, that something will happen during the 4-day event with all his family there. I seriously can’t imagine my wedding day without her and I know I’d regret her not being there, but I am at a lost for other options about what to do for this huge life event (not to mention my marriage and my relationship with her moving forward). Any and all input is appreciated!

Edited June 26, 2017 by Sarah2017

TammyWright · June 26, 2017

We have had this issue come up and exposing your alcoholic mother to an all-inclusive resort is a recipe for disaster.

Unfortunately few resorts, if any, will not understand that she should not have alcohol and still serve her.

Have you spoken to your mom about her behaviour to your fiance?

TandAGetHitched · June 27, 2017

hi! we have two recovering alcoholics attending our wedding, one is my sister-in-law and one is very close friend - both different levels of sobriety. when we decided on an AI for our wedding, I approached both and asked how we can help. Our Travel Agent and our wedding coordinator, have made notes on each of their reservations. Their rooms will have all alcohol removed prior to arrival and special notes made to not restock the room bar. However, that doesn't mean they won't get a drink at one of the dozen resort bars. my sister-in-law has my brother who will help her stay clean on this trip and our friends will look out for our other friend. it's a group effort. At the end of the day, if either of them said to me 'I just can't do, I can't be around all the booze' and they decided to stay home - I would totally 100% understand and respect their decision.

Have you thought about asking her what/who she needs around her to help her stay sober at your DW? Do you have family/friend that can help make sure she doesn't get out control. and have a plan b - what happens if she gets out of control - know how you want to respond before it happens, so you can be prepared.

good luck! living and loving alcoholics is challenging and exhausting at times, but they need to know they are loved by you.

Edited June 27, 2017 by TandAGetHitched