Second Wedding Help Please

deedeelala · June 8, 2016

Hey ladies,

So I really need some advice. I was here a couple years ago planning my wedding for November 2014. Sadly things went sour and our marriage ended a few months later. The wedding itself was my dream wedding but my partner and I had been going through a lot of issues that we attributed to being nervous for the wedding and neither one was able to bring them up beforehand. I guess part of it was that we felt like it was too late to back out considering so many people had already paid for their trips. We tried counselling for a couple months and it didn't work out. We were able to recognize that we get along better as friends and our lives had just taken different paths. So I am grateful that we were able to part ways in a civil manner but it was still a very tough time in my life. We never made our marriage legal by signing legal documents which was a great decision otherwise we would have had to deal with the expenses and legalities of a divorce. I felt so embarrassed because everyone expected us to be so incredibly happy as newlyweds but things were the opposite. I was so depressed for so many months that I decided to seek counselling and it helped me quite a bit.

Fast forward a few months later, I met someone else who makes me incredibly happy. I have never felt this way before and he makes me feel like everything that happened before was for a reason. I never understood the feeling when others said when you find the one you know until now. We live together now and he has hinted at saving up for a ring for me. My heart feels like I would marry him in an instant and this time around I actually would have zero fears and feel actual excitement for our future. The only problem I have is that when I start to daydream about our wedding I feel so guilty. I feel like I don't deserve a nice wedding because I already had one. My last wedding was my dream wedding when it comes to location, décor, etc the only problem was I married the wrong person. So when I start to daydream about how I would go about it this second time I feel a lot of guilt, like I don't deserve to have those things. I also feel like I would be so scared to have anything be even close to similar to what I had in my last wedding which makes it very hard because I absolutely loved everything. I made my own centerpieces which I absolutely loved. Would it be okay to use the same design in a different colour? Also my last wedding was in the Mayan Riviera which is my favourite place in the world and I would love to get married on the beach again but I feel like it would be wrong. Would a different resort make it okay? Or should I just forget the whole beach thing altogether? I guess the superstitious me fears that I would jinx my new relationship by having anything that could resemble my previous wedding.

I also feel a lot of fear when I even think about whether I would invite anyone because I feel like they would make judgements about how I think marriage is a game or how I didn't take things seriously. It really wasn't the case at all. I just rushed into something and was too scared to back out but I still feel like I would not be able to invite anyone that attended my last wedding because of this, so basically it would only be people from his side and maybe my parents and sisters (which have also made remarks). I would obviously not expect any gifts but I am not sure how I could put that when a lot of his family doesn't know about my past. My SO knows about it all but he feels we don't have to get into details with his family so unless it comes up on its own there is no reason why I should disclose it.

Part of me wishes that I could just elope with him or have something very private but I don't think it would be fair to him. He has a lot of family and friends and I don't think that's what he would want.

I want to know if anyone has any advice as to how best I could deal with this. I know I am not engaged yet but ever since he hinted at saving for a ring this has been on my mind. Please if you are going to judge me I have already heard it all and don't think I can take any more negative comments about my failed marriage. I am incredibly happy in this new relationship and would love to be able to actually enjoy getting married to this man who I actually feel like he is my soul mate.

Thanks ladies

Edited June 8, 2016 by deedeelala

WPGBride17 · June 8, 2016

That's a really tough position and can understand why you are torn over your decision. First off don't be too hard on yourself as all of us make mistakes and other people need to back off because they are not perfect either. This should be a happy time in your life as you found the person you truly want to spend your life with.

I think you and your SO need to sit down after your engagement and decide what's important to you for your wedding and if that is getting married in Mexico then I say screw the critics and do it but realize it will have to be different than your first marriage as your guests may not want to pay again to go somewhere tropical. I'm not sure where you live but could you maybe replicate a beach wedding nearby and then there isn't that worry you are putting a financial strain on your guests and then you can honeymoon in Mexico. Personally I wouldn't keep that secret from his family because they will find out sooner or later or it will be the topic at your wedding which will take away from your special day. Hope this helps and good luck!

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dreamweddings · June 9, 2016

@@deedeelala I will have to agree with @@WPGBride17 don't be too hard on yourself. We all deserve happiness in our lives. since you are already going for counseling have you mentioned any of these thoughts to your counselor?

Also once you guys get engaged I would definitely ask him that you sit down with his family and let them know about your past marriage. just briefly , as long as they know about your past. how they take it would be up to them.

when it comes to planning your wedding . first steps is to sit down with your fiancé and play around with the ideas . let things work themselves out.

Again sometime we turn to over think our situations, no matter your decision at the end people will always talk . some will have good things to say and others will have hurtful things.

Keep your head high you deserve all the happiness and you are lucky you have found your soulmate.

Goodluck and hope you keep us posted

nadiakat17 · June 9, 2016

Hmm this is a hard situation. As the others said don't be too hard on yourself- no one died and it's an event that like half of Americans go through- and you luckily didn't even have to go through an actual divorce and you realized it early on.

As far as the wedding goes it is complicated by the fact it's his first wedding and he might want the full experience- I'd sit down w him and find out what he really wants. Maybe his family can't travel easily and he'd rather an at home ceremony. But I wouldn't blame your parents and friends for their feelings....they may not want to go through the whole thing again. eloping would be ideal but I can see him wanting family there. The bottom line is screw the haters and do what you want. But at the same time remember it is just a wedding and the marriage is the most important part. I loved my destination wedding so if say I got married again I can see wanting a similar type thing- but maybe I'd pick a differnet beach area with a new feel like Costa Rica or do a destination wedding in a city like Italy or have a New Years wedding in the snowy mountain cabins. If I did do a beach wedding again although I loved my decor I'd go for a new feel that I loved equally ( my wedding was coral and gold but if I did it again I'd do a peacock theme).