Venting! Disappointed In Friends

[tpenner]

I know that part of having a destination is accepting the fact that many people won't be able to come. I am having a hard time accepting and getting over the fact that some girls that I consider my best friends are not coming.

 

I've told my friends even before I met my now fiance that I would probably have a destination wedding. All my best friends said they'd be there no matter what.

 

 

L who said she would be a bridesmaid is not coming now. She sent me a text saying she is scared of the Zika virus (she's not pregnant and won't be pregnant at our wedding).

 

S who also said she would be a bridesmaid hasn't called me to tell me that she is thinking of conceiving. I heard this from her L who is her sister. We are 10 days from our deposit deadline. In fact, I have not heard a word from her since the day I asked her to be bridesmaid.

 

T was a maybe. She said the trip would cost a lot for her husband and their 2.5 kids. Then she said she would try really hard to come on her own or bring her mother in law. A week later she said no.

 

I know cost is a big factor whether someone decides to come or not. I know what my friends can and cannot afford and they can definitely afford the trip. It's disappointing when I've put lots of effort into these friendships. I've been to engagement parties, bridal showers, stagettes, weddings, baby showers, babies birthdays and more babies birthdays, housewarmings. And now that it's my turn, they can't be bothered. In my opinion, their reasons just aren't good enough for me to accept. I get that S might be pregnant by then, but tell me that yourself. If I lived my life in fear like L is, I wouldn't have driven down the highway 3 hours multiple times for her major life events. I'm probably more likely to get hurt in a car accident than she is to get the Zika virus! T just solidified my theory that if you're not in the baby club like she is, that you're not worthy of her friendship. I've been the one keeping our friendship going since she's had kids and I'm tired of being the only one picking up the phone.

 

So now I am definitely reevaluating some friendships in my life!

 

 

 

 

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Edited April 6, 2016 by tpenner

[ashhtayy]

@@tpenner I'm sorry you're going through this. It's a story ive read time and time again on this forum. Weddings, and in particular DWs, often show a persons true colours. Some people can't find it in their heart to be happy for someone else and it's really, really sad. I think just about anyone can accept a persons reason for not doing something when a reasonable explanation is made. I don't understand why some people can't find it in themselves to be honest - especially if they are near and dear to your heart. I get that financial strain can be difficult to talk about, but the others reasons for not doing something shouldn't be.

 

Just know that there are many of us on this forum that have gone through something similar. It's tough to stomach but I can say, in my situation, I got over it quickly. You see who your true friends are! You see who will step up and who will step aside. At the end of the day all that matters is you and your husband.

 

I hope the next ten days aren't too stressful for you. And know that people not paying their deposit isn't a hard and fast 'no'. People will book after your deposit due date. People are still getting rates for our wedding and the deposit deadline has passed, full payment deadline has passed and we are two months out. I stressed about deposit deadline and if I could turn back time knowing what I do now, I wouldn't have stressed at all. For some people it's hard to commit that far out given work schedules, vacation time, children, etc. I guess what I'm trying to say is don't stress; you'll regret it later.

 

[cruisebride2016]

@@tpenner I completely sympathize with being the last friend to get married and feeling like everyone else is too busy with their kids or husbands to be involved in my process!! Honestly, the people who back out now are a blessing. I have one friend who considered bailing right before the final payment and I told her how important it was to me for her to be there. I even changed my "no kid" rule in order for her to come. Now, she has been the biggest troublemaker when it comes to every detail. It probably would have been less stressful for me if she had just cancelled. Hope everything works out well for you!!

[tpenner]

It definitely makes me appreciate the 2 ladies I will have there by my side!

 

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[calgarybride2015]

I feel your pain. This is very common for destination weddings even from ones own family members.

 

The girl who I thought was my best friend and whom I considered paying for her trip barely said a word to me after I got engaged and we were inseparable. Long story short I got engaged April 2014 and I haven't talked to her since that May. Not a word. It used to cause me stress and tears then I realized it wasn't worth my time. I focused on the people who did come (and some were shockers) and fostered those relationships.

 

It's tough, it makes no sense and it can be darn we'll hurtful but just remember at the end of the day it's you and your fiancé that matter and the ones who love you most will be there no matter what. Hugs.

 

 

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[TammyWright]

first of all, big hugs to you.

 

I know it is hard when your closest friends disappoint you. Don't take it too personally. some people are just too self-absorbed. You know who your real friends are and celebrate this happy time with them.

[acw271011]

@tpenner  The other ladies have pretty much said it all. I don't think there is anyone on this site that hasn't had some sort of guest drama in some way shape or form. We lost our whole group and we didn't have a lot to start with. In the end it was my husband I alone in Jamaica, which is really all that matters.

 

Good luck. Absolutely try not to stress over it.

[Berg999]

DEFINITELY gone through/going through this too. My destination wedding in Riviera Maya in September has been so stressful with the behavior of so called friends and family for me as well. I had my cousin who was my bridesmaid and ONLY member of my dad's side of the family supposedly able to go to my wedding bail on me. She did it in a completely bogus way and now I want nothing to do with her or that side of the family. And my fiancé has his cousin back out on him in a bogus way as well. So it's been tough just with the bridal party.

 

We have had family members make very negative comments about us having a destination wedding and how costly it is etc. and most of these nay sayers have already said they aren't going but then they keep making negative comments which I can't take. So we completely cut them out and don't talk to them. It is one thing if you cant afford to go or whatever, but to keep making comments negatively about our wedding is so crappy! I've got family and friends who aren't going that really surprised me and let me down because I thought we were close and that no matter what they would be there as I was for them. But no, they aren't going. Irritating that we are getting married after all these people too, because we made sure to be at their wedding no matter what (and would have gone even if it was destination) and gave great gifts and now they can't reciprocate our consideration and care.

 

My fiancé and I have been together over 11 years and since we met we have always talked about destination wedding. As soon as we got engaged 2 years ago, we said no matter what it would be destination. We have given people plenty of notice and still it's an issue. But at the end of the day, we could care less if they are there or not if they don't want to make the effort. So all in all, I get how you feel! I have some 50 or so very wonderful friends and family though that will for sure be there and it's helped me realize who is true to me.

[nadiakat17]

As everyone said above we have all unfortunately been through it. And I think all of us have been shocked at the people we thought for sure would come that didn't. We had some horrible times including good friends who we put a deposit on who didn't even have the decency to text back or RSVP (and then not offer to pay the deposit and obviously no gift). I got so stressed and enraged and was questioning the destination wedding. I've been on a forum where everyone there was saying destination weddings are ridiculous and selfish and you can't expect people to pay to go even if they have the money. (I'm sure we've all heard these comments too). However I disagree. You should get married however you want . I think that all really good friends and family should make a real effort to go- not "having money" (and I'm talking about people w decent jobs who go out, etc) is not an excuse to me when I've given you like 16 months to save ( put away 150$ a month and trip is more than paid for!). To the "friend" who said they were saving money then I see FB pics of their vacation to our DW city 2 months later- you just obviously didn't value us enough so the friendship is over. Zika is not an excuse when there still isn't concrete evidence out there! Anyways some of my "friendships" have ended or forever changed but really that is to my benefit. I don't think I'll ever get over that aspect. One of these friends had essentially a DW after me and I didn't go partially bc of my schedule but I could of made it work w effort but why give effort to someone who obviously didn't give you any? In the end we had a blast and our group was perfect and I didn't feel like anyone was missing (actually glad these other groups of friends didn't come bc we already had another groups to try to spend enough time with). People who did go still bring up our wedding as one of the most fun weeks of their lives . Would go through all the drama and pain of getting guests again in a heartbeat to have that wedding again!

[acw271011]

@@nadiakat17  Hello and happy to see you stopping in!

 

@@Berg999  If you decide to spend some time on this site, you'll see this is a very, very unfortunately common thing that I think all DW brides to be go through. For all the years I've been on this site (since 2010 I think) the one thing you'll find is that there is absolutely nobody - family or friend - that is as happy for you as you are and I don't mean that in a bad way. I've found with reading so many threads here that when it isn't your wedding, it isn't as important to anyone else but you and that's just life. It has a nasty habit of getting in the way sometimes.

 

Having said that it comes down to what is absolutely the most important to you - having all of these friends and family members at your wedding, or marrying your sweetheart and for some people it does really come down to the choice. It did for us and nearly cost me the man I was marrying. I also got so upset that people were cancelling for what I felt wasn't a solid enough reason - something went wrong and it just snowballed and everyone thought they would lose the group rate so they bailed - and I was super upset. It was my fiance (then) that put his foot down and said this is what we want. It doesn't matter about anyone else and he was completely right. We went just the 2 of us to Jamaica and got married and then just had a reception at home. It was tough in a way being there by ourselves. The wedding coordinators - complete strangers - signed our marriage certificate. But when I walked down that beach path towards my guy, it all went away. Marrying him was what was most important, on a beautiful beach in Jamaica. And thanks to him we did that. The way I see it, it's all the people that cancelled that missed out. They lost the chance for a great family vacation together and they missed seeing us get married. We have beautiful photos that we played on a screen at the AHR and so many people made comments about how beautiful it looked and it's too bad they weren't there. 

 

I don't know if this helps at all. Believe me when I say I know completely how you feel. We did actually lose friends over it - the couple that were supposed to be our BM and MOH. They were at our AHR and we haven't spoken to them since. So I do know how difficult it is. All I can say is think about it. A lot. Only you can decide what is most important to you, and if that's having a DW then finding a way to look past how many people aren't attending is the only way that you'll be able to reconcile it all in your mind. You don't ever know totally and completely what's going on  behind people's closed doors. There may be things going on that you don't know about. And you're not alone. I swear I think every single bride to be on this site that I've seen in more than 5 years has been through something similar. I know it's the most important day of your life but remember one thing - it isn't those people that you're going to be living with after the wedding. The person you're marrying is and the two of you are what's the most important thing of all.

 

Good luck!