Mean "friend"

[KatieMcBride]

This is just to vent...and to perhaps get some advice on girls who can relate. It's long so I don't expect anyone to read it but it's just a good venting opportunity for me..haha.

 

My (former..) best friend and I have been close for the last 5 years. We've been through a lot together, and have always supported each other through our ups and downs.

 

I met my fiancé 4 summers ago; she met her current boyfriend 3 years ago (but they've been on and off for the whole time. He's not the nicest person to her and is afraid of commitment, they still haven't said I love you, he's extremely controlling, etc)

Matt and I got engaged on Christmas Day. She was the first person I told, and she didn't even seem excited. She wrote back "wow...congrats" and that was that.  She avoids bringing up the wedding, everytime I talk about it, she rolls her eyes and changes the subject. 
She's even gone as far to go behind my back and tell my sister that "Matt didn't WANT to propose to me, he only did it because I pressured him, and that she felt bad for him". What kind of FRIEND says that?? I know that it was said 100% out of jealousy and spite, but still - that hurt extremely bad.

 

This was back in February she said this, and she still doesn't know that I know. Of course my sister told me that she said this.  I really hate confrontation so I haven't brought it up, but it's always in the back of my mind
Another mutual friend of ours has told me that she talks behind my back, saying I'm ridiculous over this whole "Wedding thing" and rushing it( (rushing it?? We got engaged in Dec 2014 and not getting married until April 2016....)

 

It REALLY hurts me that 1) She is not happy for me and 2) she feels the need to talk behind my back.  I KNOW, all of me knows, this is because she's jealous and sad with her own relationship and how her life is playing out. The logical part of me knows this. And I'm sad for her, because I care about her and want her to be in a relationship where she feels valued and loved, etc. But she's not and there's nothing I can do about it.  But the fact that because of this, she has to bring me down in the process? Wow. It really offends me and hurts me.

 

Because I hate confrontation, I haven't said anything, but I've been slowly cutting my ties.  I don't initiate plans anymore (not that she does a lot without her boyfriend anyway, since he's so controlling). She'll still text and we'll make small talk but we're definitely not as close as we used to be. She's not stupid; I know she feels the shift in our friendship too. She still talks to me like nothing has happened, but I know she knows something is up and just doesn't want to bring it up.

 

Has anyone else gone through this? What did you do? I don't need negativity and jealousy in my life.  I want to surround myself with people who are genuinely happy for me and my upcoming wedding, people who value my friendship and don't feel the need to talk badly about me behind my back and actually can confront any problem she has with me to my face.

I think I'm doing the right thing by cutting my ties and putting myself first.  Part of me feels guilty though as we used to be best friends.

Sigh...I've seen a lot of girls say this before, but weddings seem to bring out the worst in people..

[calgarybride2015]

Hugs!

 

This is one vent that sits very close to home for me.  I truly believe you are making the right decision to cut ties with her.  First, you don't need the negativity and jealousy in your life, especially at what should be the happiest time in your life. But secondly you have to question your friendship if she is talking behind your back like that - openly to people she knows would tell you. 

 

You will find thru this process who your real friends are and those that aren't worth your time.  I had some big shockers from both ends of the spectrum. It was tough for me to walk away, but I did and never looked back. I don't regret that decision. I just have fostered the friendships of the people who did care and have made some better friends out of it!!!

 

My story:  I met, who I considered my bestfriend, in early 2010. We had a blast together, never separated, were neighbours, she watched my kids after school and in the summer - blah blah.  She was my confidant and me hers, we had many a tear over some drinks!  She helped me thru all my dating experiences and I helped her thru with her husband (depression, etc.) and money issues.

 

When I got engaged I knew it would be hard for her to come so we considered paying for her.  If not, then I was super ecstatic to have her involved in all the planning, but just not come to Mexico. Didn't have to worry about it - it never happened.  She never talked to me about my wedding, never seemed overly enthused when I brought it up so with that said I never had a chance to ask her to be my MOH.  She never RSVP'd to my wedding invite or said anything about it. Was just so awkward.  I invited her to go dress shopping and she said 'I might have plans'  so I asked the time and offered to go early/reschedule, etc. and got no response.  I asked her other things too with no response.   I finally called her out on it and got this LAME excuse.  It was over a joke. Now we are sarcastic people. We can take anything and laugh about it -- so this was not like her. It was an excuse - especially since the joke came from my husband and they still talk WTH?.  I apologized, tried to make amends, told her how I felt about everything and said I would give it one last chance.  I asked her if she wanted to be involved in planning the stagette, I got 'give them my email and they can tell me what to do'  WHAT?  I skipped and never gave anyone her email.   As this was all going on she was still watching my kids, but would always leave me in binds 'sorry we decided to extend our holidays so I won't be available tomorrow' just petty crap like that.  So by the time school was over, I walked away and never looked back. I know she talked drama to the other neighbors because I had run ins with them too (the one who told me she couldn't come to the wedding so I didn't invite her, but then rudely said to me 'would have been nice to be invited') I am sure she fed them some crap about me too. 

 

At the end of the day, I haven't spoken to anyone in well over a year and my life is better for it.  No drama, no jealousy, no pettiness.  It was supposed to be the best time of my life and all I did was cry over her.   Friends don't do that.   No regrets here sister. 

 

Hope that helps some. Good luck

 

EDIT: awkwardly I ran into them in Walmart a couple weeks ago. Thru all of this I still maintained a friendship with her husband. So he was waving me down and saying hi, but I was trying to avoid him.  I waved and said hi finally as I couldn't pretend I didn't see him. I was pretty shocked she said hi and waved too.  I hope that never happens again LOL

Edited July 21, 2015 by calgarybride2015

[KatieMcBride]

Thank you ladies!! I truly appreciate the support and hearing your own experiences! It really helps.  Sometimes I feel isolated and alone in this situation, so although I would never wish this upon anybody, it is nice to know others can relate to my situation and the betrayal, hurt, etc that I'm experiencing.

I had no idea that weddings brought out such ugliness in people until I got engaged. This truly proves it (along with other stories I have read from ladies on this forum)

Why can't they just be happy for us? You both are right - this is supposed to be some of the happiest moments of our lives, and I frankly don't have time for people bringing me down and negativity. I'm sorry that her life isn't playing out like she wanted it to, but I've done nothing but support her and listen to her cry about how terrible her boyfriend is to her.  If she doesn't have the guts to walk away and find somebody right for her, that is not my issue or fault.  And she shouldn't try to take away my happiness and "wedding spotlight" because of her own issues.

 

But CalgaryBride (I feel like I should know your name?!?! haha!), you bring up a great point - why would I continue to even TRY to be her friend if I know for a fact she's talking behind my back? You're right - real friends don't do that.

 

Unfortunately my friend is holding my birthday party this weekend and this "friend" will be there(she got invited, as the friend who is hosting didn't know of our issues)...so I will have to put on an act, as I don't want to cause any unnecessary drama, but hopefully there's enough people there to distract me from her

[calgarybride2015]

I honestly sat there and thought it thru more times than you care to know. Talked to various people and really just couldn't piece it together.  You will only torture yourself, trust me, so try to move on from it.  Soon enough it will all be a distant memory.

 

Good luck at your birthday party this weekend!  I hope for your sake she starts no drama!!  but your friends will have your back. So go and enjoy yourself. Let us know how it goes.

 

OH!!! and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

 

ps - my name is Kim hehe

[KatieMcBride]

Thank you KIM!! haha   You're so right, that's all I'm doing is torturing myself by trying to figure it out and letting it bother me.  I can't wait until it's just a distant memory and a dissapointment that's in the past.

I'll let you know how the birthday party goes!

[TinkerSofi]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. My two cents is that you need to talk with her. As much as you hate confrontation; and trust me, I understand because I'm the same; your friendship came way before either man made into your lives, so it would be a shame to just let it go like that. I can tell you that she is definitely acting that way because she's jealous. Sometimes it takes someone else to be happy to realize how miserable your life is, and it hurts, it sucks! It's a shame that she's decided to show it this way rather than doing something to fix her life, but it happens. It doesn't mean she doesn't like you or care about you, she's just jealous, and jealousy is not letting her see past this. I've been in controlling relationships, and you honestly do not see the way out, even though it's right in front of you. You take it out on other people, everyone is wrong, you're miserable, but in your eyes, things are not as simple as dumping his a*** to make your life better. It takes a while to see that. 

 

I think you need to tell her what's been bugging you. You don't even need to tell her that your sister told you, you can just say several people have told you that she's been talking behind your back and that even you feel like she's not happy for you. I just feel like if things aren't meant to be between you two this will be the nail in the coffin. Then you can move on and forget about it, but in my opinion, it's better to try and fix things and fail rather than let yourselves simply drift apart after so many years of being friends. I agree that true friends don't go talking behind people's backs and that's just mean. It can really go either way, but at least you get your feelings out of your chest before closing that chapter  

Edited July 21, 2015 by TinkerSofi

[calgarybride2015]

Well said @@TinkerSofi!!

I do agree you should talk to her to clear the air. After I cleared the air I tried once more and then moved on. Just don't let it consume you and ruin this happy time in your lives.

 

I had to laugh, I've been in some pretty terrible relationships - one which took me many many years to leave and once the light finally turned on it was easy for me. But it took time to get there. Now I find myself saying 'what are you doing? Omg leave him!!' But I should know the it's a tough cycle!! I just can see much more clearly now.

 

 

 

 

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[KatieMcBride]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. My two cents is that you need to talk with her. As much as you hate confrontation; and trust me, I understand because I'm the same; your friendship came way before either man made into your lives, so it would be a shame to just let it go like that. I can tell you that she is definitely acting that way because she's jealous. Sometimes it takes someone else to be happy to realize how miserable your life is, and it hurts, it sucks! It's a shame that she's decided to show it this way rather than doing something to fix her life, but it happens. It doesn't mean she doesn't like you or care about you, she's just jealous, and jealousy is not letting her see past this. I've been in controlling relationships, and you honestly do not see the way out, even though it's right in front of you. You take it out on other people, everyone is wrong, you're miserable, but in your eyes, things are not as simple as dumping his a*** to make your life better. It takes a while to see that. 

 

I think you need to tell her what's been bugging you. You don't even need to tell her that your sister told you, you can just say several people have told you that she's been talking behind your back and that even you feel like she's not happy for you. I just feel like if things aren't meant to be between you two this will be the nail in the coffin. Then you can move on and forget about it, but in my opinion, it's better to try and fix things and fail rather than let yourselves simply drift apart after so many years of being friends. I agree that true friends don't go talking behind people's backs and that's just mean. It can really go either way, but at least you get your feelings out of your chest before closing that chapter

 

You're right....sigh.....as much as I hate confrontation, you're right that I should speak to her about what's bothering me. I guess I don't have much to lose? Either she'll apologize and change her behaviour or she won't and we just won't be friends anymore. I'm just afraid of what I'll get back. I'm 3 years younger than her (and she's good friends with my older sister), so she's always talked down to me like I'm young and stupid and she knows better. That's also part of the problem - she's 28, I'm almost 25, she thinks she should be doing all of this stuff first, not me...

 

 I'm still going to take the coward's way of confronting and send an email, haha. I get my thoughts out better through writing. In person, I'll forget a whole bunch of points I had to make and probably end up crying.   Not sure when is a good time though...

 

She's been in an abusive relationship before, but I guess every situation is different and hindsight is 20/20. 

[calgarybride2015]

I also sent my friend an email based on the exact same reasons you listed. If that's how you need to do it, I support it.

 

That said, I'd wait until after your birthday just incase the response isn't positive and she still comes to your party. Definatley up to you though.

 

Keep us posted.

 

 

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[deecol]

@@KatieMcBride I was so sad reading your story.  Although I haven't gone through exactly what you have, I have definitely had people closest to me let me down during this process.  "Close" friends not even ask how wedding planning is going and family not even responding.

 

My mom keeps saying that weddings are when a lot of peoples true colours shine through, and I'll learn so much about my circle of friends and family.

 

All I can say because I'm in a similar position (also got engaged Dec 2014, getting married Apr 2016) is to focus on you and your fiancé and how amazing your wedding and lives will be together.  It's not fair for you to use your energy on people who don't want to share in your happiness, this is your time.  I know it's easier said than done, I recently ranted as well and not only getting it out but the amazing tips and support from the amazing ladies on this forum made me feel so much better.  Most of us have been there in one way or another.  Stay positive and just keep thinking of how special your day is going to be!  xoxo