Dw: Only Fi And I Before "family" Wedding? Yay Or Nay?

[FutureMrsPaez]

Earlier last week we brought up the idea of a DW in Mexico 11-3-15 (the anniversary of our first kiss) with just close friends and family, and at first everyone was excited about it. I started looking at flights and hotels and got really into it. Just last night, my parents informed me that my grandparents would not be able to go due to age/uncomfortable with Mexico and my sisters who are in college might not be able to get out of school for a few days because it's on a Tuesday.

 

So they kind of gave us an ultimatum:

1) have a wedding for all family and friends first prior to 11-3-15 and we go to Mexico for honeymoon instead (that they would pay for),

2) go to Mexico with a small group of people on 11-3-15 (which was to be expected) and parents/grandparents/sisters possibly not attend,

3) or they attend Mexico wedding but make us feel guilty for not allowing close family to participate.

 

My fiancé and I thought of a different plan that might be more exciting, but I wanted some input: he and I go to Mexico alone and have our intimate ceremony on 11-3-15 and then return for a weekend wedding with our entire family in their hometown to avoid travel issues and possibly make everyone happy.

 

Is it selfish to go off on our own to get the plan we wanted? We want to keep everyone happy, but didn't want it to be at the expense of ourselves.

We didn't want to give up our entire plan just because we were given a guilt trip. I want to keep the significance of 11-3-15. You know, first kiss 11-3-13, first kiss as man and wife 11-3-15.

 

Thoughts? Ideas? Please help!

Edited June 24, 2015 by FutureMrsPaez

[acw271011]

Hi @FutureMrsPaez  Congrats and welcome to BDW! You've definitely come to the right place for opinions!

 

My husband and I were married in Jamaica almost 4 years ago. We had the same thing - at first everyone was excited. Then one by one things "happened" and people decide not to go or couldn't go for whatever reason. When push came to shove our BM and MOH cancelled too. In the end, hubby was the one that basically said too bad for everyone else. It was OUR plan to go to Jamaica and it was what we wanted so that's what we were going to do. We did. And loved it!!! It was hard accepting that we were there by ourselves. The wedding coordinators signed our marriage license. But we did what we had originally intended and in the end we got the last laugh on everyone else because we ended up booking last minute due to tall the changes and saved nearly $300 each on the cost of the trip. We had a reception at home 2 weeks after returning from Jamaica and had a great time. We're a lot older and have grown kids (second time around for both of us) and grandkids. But everyone was there for the party and we had another photographer so still managed to get family "wedding" photos. Would the preference have been to have our family and friends in Jamaica with us? Absolutely!! And it took me some time to get over. But hubby pointed out that what we wanted was important and that we shouldn't let everyone dictate how and where we were going to get married. He was totally right (I hate saying that!!!) lol We got married in a gazebo right on the beach, had a Jamaica photographer, a private little dinner afterwards and really enjoyed the time together. We tried to get married on the 10th anniversary of our first date, but with all the scrambling we ended up being 4 days before. Close enough! lol It was the best the resort could do.

 

I think what it comes down to is what's important to you and I don't think it's selfish at all!!! There are brides that wouldn't even consider getting married without the whole family and friends deal. There are others that don't mind it being just two. Will you be able to "deal" with whatever guilt you have laid on you afterwards? If so, then I say go for it. Do what is most important to YOU!! And then do a family party/reception afterwards to appease the guilt trippers. We had some of our photos by the date of the AHR and did a slide show that ran for the evening so everyone got to see where we had been. 

 

Your wedding can be whatever you want it to be! Good luck and happy planning!!

[FutureMrsPaez]

@@acw271011 Thank you for your input! Do you think it would be best to just keep it to ourselves as our little romantic secret? Or be truthful about it and say "hey this is what we want for us, we will do what you want for everyone later, and then everyone is happy"?

[acw271011]

@FutureMrsPaez  Well, obviously no one knows your families better than the two of you so I can't say on that bit, but if it was me, I would just let everyone know that you're doing what the two of you want to do and go do it... then you'll do what everyone else wants afterwards. If that's what it will take to keep the peace, then maybe that's the best route for you to go. I know when it finally came down to it, and we had our decision made, there were a couple of questions. Our BM and MOH really thought they had us convinced to change our plans and do the wedding at home, then go to Jamaica for a honeymoon. Needless to say the friendship fell apart. My in laws asked the same question. But everyone got a free meal and a party out of the whole deal anyway so nobody was going to complain. They ended up not having to put any money out. Which for our grown kids was really the main issue. Our grandkids are all small so our kids are all in the middle now of ballet and swimming and baseball, and t-ball and all the same stuff that we went through raising them. We know what it's like to be tight for money when you're starting out with a family and paying for them to go to Jamaica just wasn't an option for us. So really in the end, everyone got what they wanted. We have some great pictures of our wedding in Jamaica, and with all of our family and friends when we got home. It all worked out.

 

Don't know if that helps or not, but definitely keep us posted. My gut still says go for it and do what the two of you want! The resorts are all able to deal with just a couple by themselves. They've done it plenty of times! lol And Playa is a gorgeous area. What resort or hotel are you looking at? We're renewing our vows this Oct 20th in PDC at Grand Coral Beach Club.

[Sandraco8]

Congrats FutureMrsPaez. I feel your pain and just had to respond.

 

Our preferred wedding date was December 6 to mark the anniversary of when we met. Some close family members (who I will not name) gave us a huge guilt trip because it was inconsiderate of us to get married so close to the holidays and not take family members schedules into account.

 

To quiet things down we opted to get married Columbus Day weekend because it's a long holiday weekend with no school or work. Now that our formal invites are out, guess what? Not 1 of the people we changed the date for are coming to the wedding!

 

Needless to say I just smile and say I understand but the moral of the story is do whatever makes you and your FI happy. My cousins wife gave me this advice as soon as we got engaged. She told me the biggest lesson she learned while planning her wedding was that people will always complain and someone will always be unhappy so make decisions for yourself.

 

I wish I would have listened my FI and I talk about Dec 6 still and wish we would not have changed the date that was so special to us. Good luck!

[FutureMrsPaez]

@@Sandraco8 Thank you so much for your input! It is very helpful! You are very right. What if we change things and then people complain about those plans or don't even show, too? I don't want to look back on everything and say, "you know, we should've just done what would've made us look back and smile instead of look back and say 'what if?'." Thank you!

 

@acw211011 We are looking at some all-inclusive areas to stay. I was looking into Soho Playa Hotel or A-nah Suites for the actual rooftop terrace ceremony. Just something simple: a small ceremony, some dinner at an amazing restaurant called Romeo's (you MUST go there! It is amazing! Best Italian food I've ever had in my life and I'm a huge foodie!), and then relax under the stars with some more wine. That's my kind of night!

[acw271011]

That's where we are in October - on a rooftop terrace, 6 people and then a wonderful dinner at Casa del Agua in Playa del Carmen. Can't wait! !

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[calgarybride2015]

I agree with everyone else. Do what's important you two only! This is your day and you never want to look back with regret.

 

I also had people complain and make suggestions and they never even ended up coming. The people who are important will make it work. Those who don't, won't.

 

Good luck.

 

 

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[FutureMrsPaez]

@@calgarybride2015 Thank you so much!

[TinkerSofi]

I think in the end you have to do what's important for you. If the date is significant for you then you should get married on that date. You could always have an elopement and then have an at home reception if no one else can make it to Mexico . No one can call you selfish for doing that. I understand how sometimes parents can be upset because they won't be there to see you get married, but if they gave you an ultimatum I guess you can do the same. Either whoever can come comes and sees you get married or you'll elope. I think in this case your ultimatum has more weight because it's your wedding . 

 

I agree with @@calgarybride2015, the people who gave us so much grief didn't come in the end so it wasn't even worth worrying about them.