Plus One Debacle

[has31]

I am having a small and intimate destination wedding in a few weeks. Only close very friends and immediate family (plus my grandmother) are attending. I made the rsvp deadline 7 weeks before the date because most of our guests had already booked tickets or I knew were coming. I was just waiting on a few friends to let us know if they could make it. I wanted to get things squared away with the venue with plenty of time and not be stressed a few weeks out. We’ve been pretty laid back thus far. FI and I wanted this to be a fun and relaxing event which has become a big headache because planning from afar is never easy. FYI, we aren’t doing the event at a resort (so everything has to be figured out separately) and actually this venue has never really done a wedding before. The owner is a friend of the family. Anyways, FI's friend who we invited solo has been back and forth with whether he's going or not for weeks. I called him a few days after the rsvp date passed and asked if he could make it so I could help arrange for him to be on the shuttle so he didn’t have to rent a car. He said he couldn’t tell me no or yes. Just last night he decides 3.5 weeks before the wedding he is coming and booking tickets. A few hours later and we get a text to asking to bring a plus one. Not someone he is dating just a random friend. FI and I were already trying to get more tables because I don’t think there will be enough for our 25-guest list (this was without him coming). Headcount has been set for both the dinner the night before and the reception and I was planning on sending the venue the monies today! I understand the etiquette of DW for plus ones and get that. It does make it easier for guests to share the cost with someone. We have a few guests coming solo (some with partners and some who are single.) I am just annoyed this is happening with a few weeks to spare. Of course...this guest is also asking about dress code because he never read the website. I so wish FI would have agreed to my request to just elope. Would have saved everyone money, stress and time!

 

[vancouverpetunia]

Sorry to hear about the plus one debacle. Frustrating, I can imagine. Personally I think it would be perfectly acceptable to tell the friend that his plus one is more than welcome to come on the trip, but unfortunately there is no room for him at the wedding (cite issues of space, cost, whatever you like). As that friend I frankly wouldn't expect (or even want) to go to the wedding of people I don't know. He's just looking to hang out for a week at the beach with his buddy

 

 

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Edit: I assume it was a male friend, but I don't think you specified. I still think it applies in either case.

 

 

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[beckys98]

I would agree with @@vancouverpetunia - At this point the friend has to understand that your RSVP deadline was several weeks ago and plans have been made for the wedding. Especially since it is such an intimate affair! I would definitely let him know the guest is welcome on the trip, but they will have to entertain themselves for a few hours! I mean, it really is only a few hours of the trip.

 

(Side note - I put together an 8 page document with everything people needed to know about Jamaica, the resort, and our itinerary for the week and had someone ask me questions yesterday that were all answered in the document. I just told them to read the document and didn't answer their question directly I don't have time for that with 3 weeks to go!)

[nadiakat17]

Hmm this is hard bc if this was before the RSVP I would probably say ok however at this late in the game I might even tell your friend no! For sure I'd say no plus one. If he didn't have an extenuating circumstance before he needed to have figured this out before. It is very rude what he is doing and asking for a plus one at that! My thing is if you don't know if you can come by the RSVP the you RSVP no. It's crazy how our friends and family have been outted while planning weddings as having no manners

[has31]

@nadiakat17@beckys98@vancouverpetunia

 

Thanks everyone! I guess I am just super annoyed that he couldn't have asked to bring someone months ago. I probably would have been more lenient to say of course. He sent two text messages last night because I didn't directly answer his plus one question. He could never give me a yes or no so we had assumed he was a NO and just didn't want to "hurt our feelings" by saying he couldn't come. I told him I would talk to the venue but at this point things are settled and there is just not enough room at the tables. I will suggest the friend can come but will have to sit out on the events. Akward!

 

And Beckys98, that is so frustrating! I made a very detailed website and got compliments from the two couple friends who are married.  No bride has time to answer a million questions that we worked hard on writing down months before the big day! People just don't read I guess:)

[veryvalentine]

totally feel your pain.  I have 5 people that are just waiting to book...not sure what they are waiting for and I have another person who is trying to get time off of work.  *love it*  lol

 

@beckys98  That sounds like an amazing handout you put together!!  Awesome!!  We are trying to put one together but I feel like I'm leaving things out.  I'm trying to look for examples to get inspired - would you be open to sharing yours just to get some inspiration

[beckys98]

@@veryvalentine - Definitely! I actually tried to post it on here but I couldn't get the file to upload for the life of me! Really not sure why. I will try again when I get home tonight, or I can definitely email it to you as well. I ended up using a MS Word newsletter template and modifying it for my colors/content. The guests who have actually read it said it was very helpful

[veryvalentine]

@beckys98  Aww thank you so much.  I will PM you my email address.  I like what you said, "the guests who have actually read it"...because ultimately we can write 100 pages, if they don't read, it's as helpful as if it we didn't do it.  lol 

[MrsCtoB]

At this point, I think it is more than okay to say no to the "plus one" attending your festivities. I think a lot of guests may not fully realize the costs and organization that go into a DW. While it is a vacation also, both events should not be confused. It is appropriate for your guest to bring someone along on the vacation portion, but that doesn't make it okay to impose another guest on you, especially this late in the game.

Also, no matter how wonderful your pre travel letter is ladies, there will still be some who won't read it. I remember getting asked 72 hours before take off if there was a dress code at the resort.   BUT, there will be some who will read it and appreciate your hard work!

[has31]

@@veryvalentine

We are date twins and getting married within a few hours drive of each other. How funny! I also had a few people who were in limbo too for a while. I think they were waiting for cheap tickets. 

 

@@MrsCtoB

Thanks for your input. I think I will suggest he can bring the friend. I like how it was worded and you're right about most people not knowing the work that goes into a DW. How crazy about the dress code thing. Haha!