Cold Feet?

[LisaAnthonyPoppy]

Anyone else have cold feet the last 2-3 months before wedding? My fiancé is not to blame 100%. . I just wish he worked a lot harder and was more manly. It's been digging at me. We have been together for 4 years we have a daughter together , a great family unit if you will..l I had a 4 year old when we met. Things change now I'm older I want more and he is content living paycheck to paycheck going to chain restuarants and watch football all night. I'm a bitch I know but I like to talk have introspective conversations, experience exploration, grow, change. Anyways I met someone a couple months ago who threw a wrench into everything but most importantly they taught me that I do have a good man in Scott and all off this is making me wonder if I'm ready to get married. If I need to feed my garden and watch it bloom. 16 days before we leave and I'm like not even responding to vendors aside from letting them know I'm busy and I'm working on the plans. Is this normal to have doubts? To be scared? Wondering if marriage is where its at? I'm going to start working on plans today, aggggggghhhh why is my mind so critical? I hate it. No judgement please. Thx

[racht33]

@@LisaAnthonyPoppy Im honestly not even that far into planning or even close to our wedding date but I can already see how stress builds into everything. We have gotten so stressed just picking a resort that we have blown up on each other and I have even questioned should we get married now? Because how wild things have gotten and we arent even into the actual swing of things. Sometimes we allow the small things to cover over the bigger things I guess.

 

Maybe you need to have a nice talk.. I know that's so much easier said than done. But communication is key. He needs to know how you feel as you also need to hear how he feels. Maybe hes going out and watching the game to get away. Maybe he overwhelmed as well and has doubts. But you'll never know unless you speak about it. AS you stated you saw how green your grass truly is. No need to go into the next garden . Your garden has stayed green through these years, you have loved and honored each other and it has brought you to this moment!! To where you want to join together forever. I hope just talking it out even with everyone here on the forum will help ease your stress and worries.!!! Hugs****

[andreapurcell1]

My fiancé and I have been together for almost seven years.  I don't doubt for a second being together forever.  Maybe it is because we compliment each other so well but the wedding planning has been a breeze.  We are having fun with the planning.  He has brought a lot of great ideas to the table (like a shadow box in the shape of Mexico for our guest book alternate-- I would have never thought of that) and he has been really involved which has made it more for us than just for me.

 

When you say you met someone what does that mean?  Acquaintance? Secret lover? Friend?  If your mind is wandering before the wedding that should be a red flag.  I don't think you should blame wedding planning for straining your relationship.  This is supposed to be fun.  My sister called off her wedding 48 hours before it was supposed to happen.  She said she didn't want to spend the rest of her life sitting on the couch watching TV.  She wanted to go out and see the world.  If you are unhappy with how he is then it is important to re-evaluate what you want.  His job situation likely will not change after the wedding and it's a lot more expensive to walk away after the wedding than it is to walk away before. 

[jsparrow10]

My fiancé and I have been together for almost seven years.  I don't doubt for a second being together forever.  Maybe it is because we compliment each other so well but the wedding planning has been a breeze.  We are having fun with the planning.  He has brought a lot of great ideas to the table (like a shadow box in the shape of Mexico for our guest book alternate-- I would have never thought of that) and he has been really involved which has made it more for us than just for me.

 

When you say you met someone what does that mean?  Acquaintance? Secret lover? Friend?  If your mind is wandering before the wedding that should be a red flag.  I don't think you should blame wedding planning for straining your relationship.  This is supposed to be fun.  My sister called off her wedding 48 hours before it was supposed to happen.  She said she didn't want to spend the rest of her life sitting on the couch watching TV.  She wanted to go out and see the world.  If you are unhappy with how he is then it is important to re-evaluate what you want.  His job situation likely will not change after the wedding and it's a lot more expensive to walk away after the wedding than it is to walk away before. 

I'm glad you guys are having such a breeze planning but it's important to remember everyone's experience is different. I have loved the planning part even though it has mostly been me and I didn't expect him to care about all the details going into it. Has it been stressfree? Absolutely not! The finances and paying for everything has been super stressful. Has it caused fights? Absolutely! But we work it out together. He prob doesn't even know we're supposed to have a guest book! Haha

 

We have been together for 5 years, lived together for 2 and we've had discussions about not being just roommates. As you get more comfortable there's not as much effort hence watching tv. Relationships do take effort and it's important the longer you are together to still take time out and go on dates. Maybe take a break from planning, get a sitter and just spend some quality time together. If the loving feelings are there then yes cold feet. If while you're with him and your mind wanders to that other person then maybe it does need looked into more. You're human, other people have crossed my mind but they cross right out of it as well and it goes back to FI. My advice would be to reevaluate how you feel after a date night. 

[Sabes44]

I am sorry you are going through all this and although I have not had the same feelings I have have had a few "moments".  I had a big one yesterday and took it out on my fiance and the dog and even told him I didn't think I could have children anymore.  I am just totally overwhelmed with all the planning (which I did 95% by myself, but I do this for a living so hard for him to do much) and I have a work trip across the country next week, which is a week before the wedding.  But, I have never thought about not marrying him, I was just having a bad day.

 

I feel a lot better today, so I know it was just a bad moment for me.  That being said, if you have been having these thoughts for months you should probably talk about it.  You don't want to go through with something you are already doubting.  Hopefully talking about it will help, sometimes just getting it out in the open helps me and eases my fears even though nothing changed.  Good Luck!!!

[veryvalentine]

I just wanted to commend you for being brave and opening up about a topic that is so personal and can make you feel very vulnerable.

 

I would say talk things out.  Be open to talking.  I think we all have moments where we just feel like, Omg, l'm getting married.  Not just wearing an engagement ring, but actually getting married.  It sounds like you are re-evaluating what you value and maybe finding out that things aren't in line as much as you thought.  As another girl said earlier, he could be just retreating because he also feels the stress. 

 

when  you think about your fiancé, think about him during your entire relationship...all those years count.  Evaluate your situation based on the entire picture not just recent feelings of doubt.  Stress can do the strangest things to our feelings.  I find that sometimes if I dont' open up with people, I tend to get isolated and by talking to people I can usually find my way again.

 

I hope that you can really sit down with him and discuss things.  I wish you happiness regardless of what you decide to do. 

[beckys98]

I also commend you for being honest. I have a friend who cancelled her wedding a month before because she wasn't ready to be married. Guess what? Her NOW HUSBAND stayed with her afterward and they got married 2 years later and now have 3 kids. She didn't want to break up, she just wasn't ready to be married. I am always in awe of both of them - that she was brave enough to be honest and that he was understanding enough to stick with her.

 

I do think there are valid times when we shouldn't ignore our feelings, even when it is the easier thing to do. So I think a "cold feet" explanation is probably not productive without real introspection and communication with your partner. I will definitely say there have been a few times over the last couple months where I got MUCH MORE upset over something my fiance did or didn't do than I ever have before. My sister reminded me that in advance of the wedding you start to think "I'M GOING TO BE DEALING WITH THIS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!" and it causes some panic. I always say - I've only been alive 34 years and I'm making a decision that (with any luck) could last almost double that! Kind of terrifying when you put it that way.

 

All the ladies above have already given you great advice, but I just say be really honest with yourself about the root of your feelings and where they are coming from. Even when I'm at my angriest with my fiance, I still have the certainty that I want to marry him and believe that we'll be one of the couples that make it a lifetime!

 

Good luck to you. Isn't great to have so many supportive comments!?! Hope this has brought you some peace today

[LisaAnthonyPoppy]

Thank you women for ALL of your responses. I really really appreciate the fair and considerate responses. It has been on my mind for so long. The person I met came into my life and is no longer in my life. It was a total emotional affair, . I fell for the illusion of this person that wasn't real. But before that happened I had been talking to Scott about working out a way to make each other happier. Scott asks nothing of me in return. He's content with whatever. It's me who wants him to not be counting on me to do everything. I want to feel like a woman. I want to feel like I can relax and I don't have to do everything. He hasn't made me feel like a woman in years. Damnit I wanna put on a pair of high heels.Sure if I tell Scott to do something he will do it, but then again I have to essentially beg. He is open to go to counseling with me. My mother walked away from everything even us kids when things got tough. I'm praying that meeting this person and seeing this person out of my life exactly one month 5/2/2015 before my wedding is a sign that Scott is my true love and I hope that Scott now sees how serious I am about my feelings of neglect and unfulfillment bc I told him everything about this other person. He cried, I cried and I asked if we should still do this. He said he loves me more than life and he still wants to marry me and he is open to talking to someone and learning how to be more of an emotional and physical provider. Gosh I can't believe I confessed this all. I'm going to kick it around the whole wedding thing and let you all know. Everyone who knows me tells me he is a great man and loves me unconditionally and this is all very true but I want to feel alive.

[veryvalentine]

ughh, wow, you've left in me in tears.  Again, I commend you for being honest with yourself.  It would be so easy to just focus on the wedding day and ignore the marriage or the after but you are staying true to your heart and good for you.

 

I'm sooo happy you were soo honest.  Just from what you wrote I can tell that he loves you.  My mom once told me that just because someone doesn't love you the way YOU want them to love you, doesn't mean that they don't love you.  (This was probably a direct quote from Oprah I'm sure!)

 

All the best !xoxo

[beckys98]

@@LisaAnthonyPoppy That is really great that you were so honest with him! As we all know, relationships take a lot of work and you have both demonstrated through this experience that you're willing to own up to it when you're not carrying your end of the bargain and promise to do better. I think is it easy to become complacent and take your partner for granted - that little swift kick sometimes can help correct course!

 

You also can't underestimate how dumb boys can be sometimes and need to be told what we need - my fiance falls into that category BIG TIME. I've spent 9 years "training" him. He hadn't had a serious girlfriend before me and was super clueless. He is not very good with his words so I can often feel unappreciated - I literally had to tell him a couple weeks ago that I would like it if he complimented me every once in awhile. (And threatened him that if he didn't compliment me on our wedding day that I'm calling it off.) DUH. God love him...

 

The wedding is the wedding...but your relationship, your kids and your happiness are more important than any day. It sounds like you're in a healthy place and you'll make the best decisions for all of you. Hang in there!