Mom & Dad Walking Bride Down Aisle - Advice Please

[ashhtayy]

@@snswedding2016 love your compromise and that you stuck to your guns re: your dad. all that matters is that you do what makes you and your FI happy

 

@@veryvalentine i'm glad this post helped i was nervous about starting a thread for some reason but i figured i couldn't be the only one in this position...and the only other threads I found about this topic were quite old.

 

i am so happy you had that conversation with your dad and couldn't be happier that he suggested what you had wanted the entire time. perfect! can't wait to see pictures of you, your dad and your sister walking down the aisle.

 

i am going to have a one-on-one conversation with my dad sometime in the next week and make sure i didn't hurt his feelings. i am going to reiterate that although this is mike and i's wedding, it wouldn't be possible without him and my mum and i want to make him happy...make him proud. fingers crossed our conversation has a beautiful ending like yours

Edited May 14, 2015 by ashhtayy

[deecol]

Thank you for posting!  I should have my mom read this so she can see how important decisions like this are to us brides.

 

My mom continuously argues with me about the fact that I have decided that just my Dad will be the one to walk me down the aisle.  My parents divorced about 15 years ago and my dad moved out because he wanted my sister and I to have a roof over our heads.  He let my mom stay in our house even though the break up was her fault - He's such a good man  I'm 28 years old and my Dad still calls me every night to say goodnight. It still breaks his heart that he couldn't wake up with us on Christmas mornings or help with our homework in the evenings, but he is always there and is always going out of his way to show me and my sister how much he loves us.

 

My Mom is bitter, calls me a "Daddy's girl" and says that people will think I love him more than her... very childish thing to say but that's my Mom.  She even hung up on me on Skype when I was living in the UK when we talked about this 2 years ago (I wasn't even engaged yet!).  I feel bad saying it but I'm not sure if walking me down the aisle actually means a lot to her or if she is just jealous and doesn't want my Dad to have this moment.  She can't see that this is a memory I want to share with my Dad and everyone is entitled to make their own choice.

 

Sorry for the vent!  Felt really good to let that out.

[ashhtayy]

@@deecol isn't it crazy how each family is so different and so special in their own ways? i really love reading all the different perspectives on this topic and others in this forum.

 

love that your dad calls you every night - that is adorable. i have a really special and different replationship with my dad too. he isn't a big phone guy but when i was in university in london, he would always sneak little calls to me and it seemed as though he wanted to keep them a secret from my mum...keep up the big macho "i don't miss my little girl" routine. he is pretty bad at hiding it

 

sorry to hear about your mums approach on this topic. totally unfair and, in my mind, incredibly selfish. planning a wedding is stressful enough and her selfishness on this topic is surely not helping. i hope she comes around and respects your decision, whatever it may be. see a few posts up from another bride with an idea for a great way to honour your mum during your ceremony. if you did something like that you would be getting the walk with your dad and your mum would get her special moment too.

 

good luck!

[deecol]

@@ashhtayy Totally! This post is amazing, because every situation is so unique.

 

I agree about how it's incredibly selfish of her to act this way.  The wedding stress is enough on it's own but as my parents haven't been in the same room since they were in court, I'm of course stressing out about them being on the same resort for a week.  I'm trying to do damage control and have given my TA their names to request their rooms are furthest apart, and thank goodness our resort is huge!  They won't even pose for a picture together... she actually tried to bargain with me: "You let me walk down the aisle with you and I'll be in a picture that your father is in, on the opposite side of you and Colin of course".  Thanks for the compromise Mom...

 

I'll have to look into other ways to include her, but honestly, and again I feel bad saying it, but her attitude is making me not want to do something special for her.  I know she's my Mom but it's not good practice to reward bad behaviour.  I've never been a selfish person, always doing whatever I can for her (even getting a bigger, uglier car to drive them around in since I was the only driver in the house) and I think it's my one day to be a tad selfish and put me and my fiancé first, I don't think that's too much to ask. 

 

Sorry for hijacking the thread with my fam drama!  Thanks for all the great ideas ladies

[ashhtayy]

@@deecol you aren't hijacking the thread. other brides have surely had similar situations and will appreciate to hear how you have dealt with it. they may think they are the only one with a mother that has tried bargaining with their daughter, or made a stink about a decision they've made that is so important to them. get it all out - it helps all of us!

 

this is a day (and a week) to celebrate you and your FI and you should do what truly makes you happy. it is your time to be selfish for once in your life and do what makes you (and your FI) the happiest. i agree 100% that one should not reward bad behaviour. it seems as though you have had to almost take on the motherly role in the relationship between you and your mother. although i can't relate, i commend you for continually being the bigger person. not to contradict myself when i said you should do what makes you happiest, but knowing your mother the way you do, think about how she will react if she does not receive some sort of special "shout out" (in whatever way, shape or form it is)...will she take this out on you on your wedding day or wedding week? would it be easier to throw something tiny in their to appease her and possibly prevent a scene?!

 

i am not proud to say this, and it is something i work on day-in and day-out, but i can be spiteful. i have a problem letting go and not taking things personal. if this was my mother, i would also have a hard time honouring her when she was putting me through so much unnecessary grief, BUT, looking at the big picture, it may be easiest to appease her and save yourself the worry the day and week of.

[deecol]

@@ashhtayy Thank you  Honestly, it's like you know me - you hit the nail on the head about the motherly role, she can be very immature and I had to grow up fast.  When I lived with her I actually remember having to bang on her bedroom door and ask her to turn her music down! lol!  It's like Freaky Friday.

 

@@ashhtayy That's a great perspective to have - the bigger picture is what to think of.  She does enjoy a drink (or few) and I've already talked to her about not causing any problems (that didn't go over well) since she doesn't speak to my Dad, his family or her own sister and they of course will all be there.  I think you're right, doing something small for her could prevent a lot of potential problems.  

 

If anyone has some tips please let me know!  I want to do something special, but I want my dad to have that moment, he deserves it, and it doesn't necessarily have to be at the ceremony.

 

Thanks!!! xo

[TinkerSofi]

@@snswedding2016 what you're planning is adorable and I think in your situation it's a nice compromise without hurting anyone's feelings or creating that fuss that your mom was talking about  

 

@@deecol I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. I would talk to her maybe and let her know that no matter what happened between them two, this is your wedding and they should at least try and make the effort of "getting along" for a week. Maybe not even a week, just a day. It does suck because there's definitely enough stress going on without people adding on their personal drama. Hell, I had one week stressing out about the dress and other things and I already have cold sores and canker sores all over my mouth . I think you definitely need to be direct with her about what you want and how her behaviour is affecting you. Sometimes people get a bit wrapped up in their own lives and don't realize how maybe this isn't about them. She might protest, but if you're firm there's not much else that she can do. I liked the idea that someone posted above (i think it's on the first page), about having a flower ceremony for the moms. That might be a nice way to include her

[deecol]

@@TinkerSofi Thanks for your advice, the flower ceremony is a nice idea, I'll look more into it  I've tried to speak to her, it never goes over well.  It starts with me speaking, then she gets angry and picks parts of what I said to argue back about, then I sit there quietly until she's done her rant, and it ends.  Nothing resolved, because I can't get a word in, she thinks I'm being condescending and treating her like a child.  I try to speak really nicely and not raise my voice and she says I think I'm better than her... its a cycle.

 

I'm making her sound like a monster.  She has a really big heart and I love her, but can be very stubborn and sometimes hurtful.  My girlfriends know her and have promised to help me out.

 

I'm sure it will all be okay, just need to be positive  I actually fought back a couple tears writing these posts... this is definitely my biggest wedding stress and I can't believe how open I'm being on this forum.  Thanks ladies  

[TinkerSofi]

@@TinkerSofi Thanks for your advice, the flower ceremony is a nice idea, I'll look more into it  I've tried to speak to her, it never goes over well.  It starts with me speaking, then she gets angry and picks parts of what I said to argue back about, then I sit there quietly until she's done her rant, and it ends.  Nothing resolved, because I can't get a word in, she thinks I'm being condescending and treating her like a child.  I try to speak really nicely and not raise my voice and she says I think I'm better than her... its a cycle.

 

I'm making her sound like a monster.  She has a really big heart and I love her, but can be very stubborn and sometimes hurtful.  My girlfriends know her and have promised to help me out.

 

I'm sure it will all be okay, just need to be positive  I actually fought back a couple tears writing these posts... this is definitely my biggest wedding stress and I can't believe how open I'm being on this forum.  Thanks ladies

We all have those moments when our parents get on our nerves a bit but it doesn't mean they're bad people. I had a couple of those last week where I felt like my mom was trying to take over the planning and I kind of lashed out at her a bit. It was mean from my part because she probably didn't even notice that she was doing it. I could have been nicer about it. 

 

Best of luck! At the end of the day I think the "who walks you down the aisle" is a big deal, and you should do what makes you happier, no matter who or how many people protest. However, it is easier said that done, especially when people guilt trip you or act like they're hurt for not doing what they want. 

[ashhtayy]

@@deecol we're all here for you! take it one step at a time. at some point we just need to come to terms with the fact that our parents are who they are, and most times, there is no changing them. i'd love to tell my dad not to embarrass the hell out of me during his speech...but thats him...hes a story teller and loves to be the centre of attention. there is nothing i can say or do that will ever change that; trust me, i've tried for years. at the end of the day, i love him and i know he loves me. he isn't telling these horrifying stories to upset me, he is telling them because to him they are funny and have contributed to the person i am today (wish me luck lol)

 

it is what it is...or so they say. we are extremely lucky to have our parents with us on this very important journey (in whatever capacity that may be). lets just be thankful for that