Sending Invitation After Death Of Family Member?

[JennyZ]

Last week, I received an urgent call that I needed to rush to the hospital, as my Aunt's cancer treatment had unexpectedly failed and she was now in her final days... My beloved Aunty passed away on Thursday April 16th after a short, but very painful battle with multiple myeloma cancer at the age of only 59. We are all devastated, as worst case she was given 5-15 years to live from her diagnosis in December, and she only made it for 5 months    I will be greatly missing her at all the events she was suppose to be at this year (my bridal shower in June and the Mexico wedding in December) where we were planning of making amazing family memories together, but I do find peace in knowing she is no longer in pain and being ravished by the disease.

 

The funeral was today and I now find myself alone at home putting together our newly arrived wedding invitations for some stress relief... Obviously I know it is WAY too soon to be sending these to her immediate family, but I wanted to reach out for some advice as I'm sitting here perplexed and heart broken...

 

Do I still send my Uncle a wedding invitation? and if so, when & how do I address the envelope? (It breaks my heart to omit her name )

 

Any thoughts or words of advice would be greatly appreciated.

[vancouverpetunia]

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. That must be hard. I'm not sure what to suggest, but I have a few questions that might help others in providing any advice. Do you have any booking deadlines? Is your uncle aware of your wedding plans (although it's likely the last thing on his mind right now)? Did your uncle and aunt already express an interest in going ? Are you expecting any of his children (your cousins) to attend? I think the advice may depend on the specific circumstances so some additional info may be helpful. Again, my condolences.

 

 

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[JennyZ]

Thanks for your kind words @@vancouverpetunia.

 

No booking deadlines, but we did ask everyone to RSVP by July/August 1 latest, so we can pay for dinners, gifts, etc. The resort is small (only 350 rooms) so it does book up fast in the Holiday months such as December.

 

Uncle is totally aware of the wedding plans, but they were just waiting until my Aunt started feeling better, to book anything... My 2 cousins are younger, but they live on their own, so I'm not sure if they are even able to afford to come? But I was going to send them invites so they were included anyway.

[vancouverpetunia]

Well, you do have a few months until your RSVP deadline, and the invitation won't come as a surprise to your uncle, so I would maybe wait a month or so, until the initial shock has worn off and some of the "administrative" stuff has been taken care of? If you are close to your cousins, you might ask them what they think although, of course, they will be in mourning as well, so some sensitivity needed there too. 

Maybe include a handwritten note expressing how much your aunt will be missed... Or if you can give it to him in person, then you could tell him that directly. 

[Victoriabride]

So sorry for your loss  What a difficult time this must be for you and your family. I say give it some time and let your uncle grieve before discussing your wedding with him. Do you know if he is getting bereavement counselling? It sounds like this was very unexpected and he would benefit from a lot of support from family and friends. I am sure that is probably all taken care of already. If it were me, I would give it a couple of months and then speak with him in person about your wedding. Does he have a family member that could travel with him and share a room with him? Maybe speak with other members of your family who are close with him when the time is right. I can't imagine what your are all going through, stay strong....and hugs to you

[calgarybride2015]

Hugs hun!! just wanted to give you my condolences. 

I am not sure what advice I have and I feel horrible for that.

 

I think with respect to your uncle and his immediate family, I would hold off a couple months, and given your deadline is still a ways out maybe just wait that time for everyone.

 

Honestly though, maybe ask your mom?   or dad?  not sure what side of the family this aunt comes from.  They may be able to guide you as they know them better than we do.

 

Again, I feel horrible I can't help more but hugs to you! have been thinking about you lately......

[acw271011]

I'm so sorry for the loss you've experienced. I know there are a few ladies here that have been through it, myself included but mine was so many years ago. I might be on the wrong track but if these are people you're very, very close to, I would leave things alone for the moment with your invitations. Do your other invites if you would like to, but not your uncle and cousins. Do you talk to them quite often on the phone? Maybe give them a bit of space with your wedding but make sure you stay in touch since they definitely need the support right now. You could always hand deliver an invitation a bit later. You still have lots of time for your deadline and it will allow your loved ones to get through their grieving and figure out if making the trip is something they'll be up to. Everyone handles things differently, and some people, a trip would be the best thing for them. Other people, it would just be worse, and it's difficult to figure it out sometimes.

 

Hugs and all the best. You'll get it figured out I'm sure and in the way that works best for you.

[rachelia160]

@@JennyZ I don't have much advice to add but I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I recently suffered a major loss as well.  My grandpa (aka my Bebop) who I am very close with, had been having some health issues (which pretty much comes with the territory when you're 88 years old) but had been to the doctors and in the hospital for about a week and we thought it was all getting taken care of.  Things took a turn for the worse all of a sudden and he passed away suddenly on Friday, April 10.  I had mailed my invitations on Tuesday, April 7.  It was heartbreaking getting the mail at my grandparents' house (my grandma has Alzheimers and lives in a nursing home, but my grandpa stayed with her all day every single day) and finding my invitation in the mail, knowing he never got a chance to open it and that he had passed away between the time I sent it and the time it got to his house, was absolutely devastating.

 

It's awkward knowing exactly how to deal with planning a wedding in the midst of a family crisis.  You can imagine how foolish I felt knowing that people were receiving my fun bright wedding in the mail basically the same day they found out my grandpa passed away. Even though I think most people realized that his passing was sudden and unexpected, I'm so worried that I come off as if I was just in my own little self-centered world planning my wedding while my grandpa was dying and that I didn't take the timing into consideration. Ugh....but anyway, now I'm ranting.

 

I'm sure that you'll come to the right decision about your Uncle's invitation.  Even after a few weeks when the dust has settled from the shock, I think you'll have a better handle on when and how to send the invite. Everything is so hectic right in the aftermath it's hard to have a clear vision of how you will all move forward from here but, inevitably, you will.  I'm so sorry for your loss and try not to let the invitation be a source of stress for you - your family will help you figure out the right way to handle it.

Edited April 27, 2015 by rachelia160

[TinkerSofi]

I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry for your loss. I really don't have any advice that is any better from what these girls have suggested. I agree that I would wait off a couple of months but I think you should send an invite to him. I think it would make him feel excluded if you didn't. After losing his spouse I can only imagine the loneliness and isolation that must be feeling, especially after the dust settles and people go back home and continue on with their lives. It would be nice for him to feel included in family events and feel like there's people that have his back. I like the idea of adding a handwritten letter. I think it would better express your feelings and then the invite doesn't come off as being cold and inconsiderate. 

[diadiamond]

I'm so sorry for you loss hun!  My thoughts and prayers are with you.  I think everyone here has given really great advice.  

 

I had a similar situation.  I had sent out my invitations and save the dates and the deposit deadline was about a week away when my fiance's grandmother passed away.  It was incredibly awkward to talk about it with my fiance when he was really grieving.  Since his side was just his mom, dad, and sister and they had already told us they were coming we paid their deposit for them and they paid us back a few months later.  I felt so bad to do wedding planning during that time, but we were told that if we didn't get enough people we would lose the quote we were given and we wouldn't qualify for the free trip and we would lose our date.  I was also worried that I came off as inconsiderate for thinking about my wedding during a family crisis.

 

Since you still have some time If I were in your position I would wait, but still be in contact with them.  I also think that hand delivering that invitation would be a nice gesture and letting your uncle know how special your aunt was to you.