How To Let Family Know Its A Limited Guest List?

[nadiakat17]

I agree with rachelia160. I personally would be offended if I got one of those notes esp if it was a cousin I wasn't close to ( I'd be like I barely talk to anyways @&)hole I know I'm not invited to your wedding!) that being said as we all know on this board there are some dingbats ( that I guess we all know and love?) that can't grasp the concept of etiquette and assume they are coming or are invited and forward the info.. So I'd let the invited family know the deal and don't say anything to others unless they ask. I don't think most people would take offense to saying " we are having a DW to cut costs and you know how big our family is, unfortunately I had to make the tough decision to invite only the ones I talk to most )

[rachelia160]

I agree with rachelia160. I personally would be offended if I got one of those notes esp if it was a cousin I wasn't close to ( I'd be like I barely talk to anyways @&)hole I know I'm not invited to your wedding!) that being said as we all know on this board there are some dingbats ( that I guess we all know and love?) that can't grasp the concept of etiquette and assume they are coming or are invited and forward the info.. So I'd let the invited family know the deal and don't say anything to others unless they ask. I don't think most people would take offense to saying " we are having a DW to cut costs and you know how big our family is, unfortunately I had to make the tough decision to invite only the ones I talk to most )

 

Totally agree. If this were a non-destination wedding, it would be ridiculous that you'd even have to consider how to let people know they're NOT invited, since that's the whole point of an invitation...but for some reason, etiquette and manners have a way of falling by the wayside with a DW!

[Everly]

Ah, you ladies are wonderful! Thank you for your different perspectives. You are very right that sending out an "anti-invite" might not be cool and create drama. I'll mention it to FI and see what he says. The problem is his extended family is pretty close, we are kinda on the fringes but the feeling I am getting is that they are all assuming they are coming. But maybe that is just my worry that they are thinking that. Maybe I will suggest FI talks to his mom and sister and get a feeling about it and maybe he can ask his mom to mention it to the Aunts and Uncles when she chats with them(not tell them they aren't invited, just that its going to be small) and we will have a discussion with the two cousins we are inviting.

 

 

Again thank you ladies so much!! Fingerscrossed it goes well! 

Edited March 24, 2015 by Everly

[TAkathy]

My only question is - you said you sent STD's already right?  Who did you send them to?  If I got one, I would naturally assume it would be followed by an invitation to the wedding I was asked to SAVE THE DATE for.

 

Maybe I misunderstood but if not, it needs to be handled very delicately so as not to offend people who already think they are going to be invited when they maybe won't be.

[Everly]

My only question is - you said you sent STD's already right?  Who did you send them to?  If I got one, I would naturally assume it would be followed by an invitation to the wedding I was asked to SAVE THE DATE for.

 

Maybe I misunderstood but if not, it needs to be handled very delicately so as not to offend people who already think they are going to be invited when they maybe won't be.

 

Everyone we sent a STD will for sure be getting an invitation! So no worries there! Is all the ones we didn't send it to who are in question now! lol...well not so much as of now...sigh

Well ladies, our guest list grew by 30 people!! /faint  We are now up to 80! Eeek!

 

So I brought up to FI about not sending out an 'anti-invite'  to the family we wouldn't be inviting and he did not like that. The way he knows his family he says they would be expecting an invite he rather just send an email to just get it over with. I suggested he talk to his mom about it, about how to deal with the family and their reaction.

 

He ended up talking to his sister, also our TA, who I knew what she would say cause she had already tried to....we'll go with 'urge', me on it that we should just invite everyone cause lots of people won't come. Again I don't like inviting people hoping they won't come. Anyways thats exactly what we are going to do now after the FI discussed it. Its not the WHOLE family we are inviting, just those we see the most often and FI is a bit closer too. (We had already invited the ones he was closest too)

 

On the one hand I feel like I have been forced into a corner and a choice for my wedding have been taken out of my hands, which hasn't been sitting well. Of course if I had just sat down with FI and really walked through the guest list with him and what would happen maybe this wouldn't have happened( I had tried but got 'It'll be fine!', I should have tried to see it still though).

 

The other hand is I am a little relieved there will be no family drama with the Aunts and Uncles.  And maybe the extra guests will help earn us an extra "free room" which we can use to credit against the extra $$ for the guests. 

 

Bah! It is what it is and we'll have a wonderful time no matter what and if its extra money...that whats kidneys are for! To sell!  Kidding!! 

[Laurahanby]

I would caution against sending out invitations in waves based on our experience. If there are any connections (family, friends) then chances are they will talk! We ended up unintentionally offending some family members this way because my hubby was not on top of collecting email addresses for his large family.

[diadiamond]

Thanks for asking this question!  I have a large family, but I'm not close and don't like most of them.  I invited 3 of my aunts and their kids along with two of my best friends and their plus ones, my mom, dad, step mom, step brothers, and step sisters.  My fiance is not close with his family either so it's just his mom, dad, sister, and a few of his friends.  I invited more people than my fiance only because I have a HUGE family and invited the ones that I'm closest to.  He has a smaller family and invited only those that he was close to.  I never put a limit on the number for him, but my MIL seems to think that I have and that I'm intentionally trying to take over and control the wedding.  Anyways we have 17 confirmed and more people booking last minute so we're expecting 30 people.  

 

I have had some family members take it upon themselves to invite others to my wedding.  My MIL tried to invite her cousin to our wedding without asking us.  My fiance got into a huge fight with her about it. I'm not sure if she's coming or not.  Also, my dad tried to invite his cousin to my wedding and I said no.  I'm less than 5 months away form my wedding and I've already bought my favours and stuff.

 

Sorry for the huge rant I just hate how etiquette just goes out the window for a DW.  I think that people feel that since they are paying to come to your wedding they should have a hand in planning it as well.  

[jeffandrobyn]

This was probably the most stressful part for us - figuring out our guest list, because FI has a very large extended family. We honestly weren't sure where to draw the line so we sat down with his parents. Then his mother suggested that we invite his brother and sister's in-laws and I thought that was ridiculous... the idea was to CUT our list. At the end of the day, since we are paying for the entire thing our families really had no say in it. We took their advice and made our decisions. 

 

What we did was tell friends and extended family who were not invited that we would've loved to have them, but we had to keep it extremely small (let them think we invited less people than we did) but that we're having an AHR and look forward to celebrating with them then. 

 

I think it was fine. Honestly, at the end of the day you're going to end up insulting someone....in some shape or form. But they'll get over it. You have to do what's best for you.