How To Let Family Know Its A Limited Guest List?

[Everly]

Oh ladies! I turn to you for your amazing advise and assurances(hopefully) and maybe some commiseration!

 

Our wedding is going to be November 2016. We already had a guest list made and sent out STD's but there is trouble on the horizon possibly.

 

FI has a large extended family, about 21 first cousins. We are paying for this wedding ourselves and part of the reason for a DW is to save money/get the most bang for our buck (I sold the FI on it by pointing out we could spend 13-15K on ONE day or on two weeks in the Caribbean).

We want to get a house in the next two years so need to be careful with our money.

 

In the early stages of planning FI told his mother we weren't going to invite everyone and just put it out there as a warning. I KNOW this is not her job or obligation  to do this (although it might have been nice to have her help on this one thing since we are going to be paying for her trip. Again for all the haters out there, it is not her job, I know this!)   So we just found out this weekend that she hasn't mentioned it to anyone. 

 

So now FI feels we need to let people know so they aren't expecting to get an invitation. While we are both not on Facebook he wants to go back on so we can send a note to everyone letting them know its going to be a small wedding only. We are inviting his one Aunt who is his godmother and her two kids that we are close too, and one other cousin from a different family that FI is also very close too(who is currently living in another country) and thats it for the extended family on his side. I know I know, inviting only some and not all is asking for trouble but FI is pretty adamant on this and seems willing to take on any disgruntled family.  While we had no plans to have an AHR after we get home I brought up that perhaps we should let them know we will have a big family BBQ/picnic in celebration when we get back, perhaps this will sooth any grumblings.

 

My question is, how do you go about letting family know that invites are limited and they won't be getting one? Is sending out an email/message on facebook ok? Is there a better method?

 

Agh!! I really hate this. Its not that we don't love his family, we do, they are awesome its just we want something small with just the nearest and dearest. And we only have a limited budget.  I don't think I could handle more then 50 people(I'm hoping for 30), I get all stressed and flummoxed with lots of people around.  Thankfully my family is small so the issues with them are for totally different reason, LOL. 

[JoannaBanana]

I hope you get some good suggestions. I made a rough list of my family, his, and all the friends I could think of for both sides that we would want to invite. The list is 100 people without his input. I'm sure I'm missing people. I know the "yes" ratio is a lot lower for a DW, but just like you I'm hoping to have about a group of 30. I've had so many people just assume I'm going to invite them. I think people have a false impression of the cost of a DW. I am thinking I might do my invitations in waves if I can pull it off.

[Everly]

I hope you get some good suggestions. I made a rough list of my family, his, and all the friends I could think of for both sides that we would want to invite. The list is 100 people without his input. I'm sure I'm missing people. I know the "yes" ratio is a lot lower for a DW, but just like you I'm hoping to have about a group of 30. I've had so many people just assume I'm going to invite them. I think people have a false impression of the cost of a DW. I am thinking I might do my invitations in waves if I can pull it off.

 

Exactly! People don't realize that DW's still cost money if you plan on doing cocktail hour, reception  etc. And if you do it on resort they charge for every little thing! I think that may be the most frustrating part, is that people aren't aware of the cost still. 

 

Oh man 100 people on the list already! My fingers are crossed for a low yes ratio then for you! My rule though has been, if you invite them, expect them to come. A few brides on here have been caught off guard expecting/hoping people will say no and then they end up coming. Which is why I don't want to invite the FI's extended family expecting them to say no. Just to be 100%  

 

I like the invites in waves idea though. That could help!

[JoannaBanana]

I find the idea of a wedding off the resort both fascinating and frightening.

 

I've actually had some people who I have zero intention of inviting saying "oh cool I can use a vacation." Oh ya? That's cool. But it won't be my wedding.

 

I need to have a sit down with my fiance to discuss invitation strategy.

[Everly]

I know!! Me too! I will probably still toy with going offsite but ultimately stay on resort. 

 

lol, thankfully we haven't had any awkward encounters yet with people talking about coming to the wedding whom we don't plan to invite. 

 

I'll be sure to check you planning thread to see how the invite strategy goes!! 

[acw271011]

I absolutely would not want to be dealing with a situation like that. I think you'll end up with a lot of offended family and friends. You're almost better to elope and just do a big party when you get home. I don't think there's an easy way to get around it and I don't think there is any "un-rude" way to say "hey we're getting married but you can't come". Maybe not say anything to anyone at all. As soon as you do, word gets around and usually within families, it's very quickly!

[Everly]

I absolutely would not want to be dealing with a situation like that. I think you'll end up with a lot of offended family and friends. You're almost better to elope and just do a big party when you get home. I don't think there's an easy way to get around it and I don't think there is any "un-rude" way to say "hey we're getting married but you can't come". Maybe not say anything to anyone at all. As soon as you do, word gets around and usually within families, it's very quickly!

 

/sigh, I wanted to elope in Hawaii. FI said no.  

 

Blah, I was afraid of that opinion. But better to hear and prepare for it now. This is why we were kinda hoping FI's mom would casually let people know it was going to be a small wedding, plant that seed early. Oh well, FI is ready to take this on so I will follow his lead. He also doesn't want to wait to tell people so there are no misconceptions, I would rather wait incase we win the lottery or something, but probably best not to wait on that lol.  

[snswedding2016]

@@Everly my fiancé and are in a similar situation where we are paying for the wedding ourselves including our parents. Both of our families are pretty big - he's got a huge East Coast Canadian family just with siblings and nieces and nephews. While I'm an only child my cousins are like my siblings and my aunts and uncles like additional parents.

 

We decided not to invite extended family. Ex. my mom's cousins, family friends. We did invite my colleagues since my fiancé and I met through work and then know both of us pretty well. We invited the whole office though knowing not everyone would be able to take off for a week in Mexico. We had to make some tough decisions in our friends department. There are some people I would have liked to include but we just couldn't invite the whole circle of friends and their plus ones. I would just be cautious of inviting from one cousin and not the next and I would definitely have a conversation with the cousin who gets invited to explain the situation so they don't go talking to others about it assuming they are all invited. Or worse having them invite others. My Aunt got into trouble with that with my cousins DW - she figured the travel info was like a mass email you could just forward to all your friends…they had to have a serious talk with her and awkwardly uninvite people. That one was easy though because my cousins had a family only wedding. 

 

Our invite list was pretty big considering what we were budgeting for but my TA reassured me that my expected decline rate was reasonable and not crazy. haha. We invited just over 150 people and we have 45 adults and 8 children confirmed. We were budgeting for 60 so we're right in that range. We do expect a couple of last minute bookers but we're in the ballpark. 

[calgarybride2015]

My husbands family is massive. His dad had like 19 siblings and the list of cousins would make your head spin. That said there was no way we could invite everyone. He sat down and decided who he most wanted there and those were the only ones who got an invite. He didn't send a note or email or nothing to the others. Was that rude? No idea. No one was put off by it. A lot of times people realize DW are smaller and intimate and if you aren't close to immediate family you may not get an invite.

 

But I also agree with Ann. If you invite them count them in your numbers because they may all say yes!!!

 

 

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[rachelia160]

Do you know for sure whether or not your extended family expects to be invited?

 

If people haven't said anything that would imply they'll be expecting an invitation, I wouldn't say anything.  People might take offense to you guys going out of your way to send a note that says "FYI, you aren't invited to our wedding," almost like an anti-invitation.  I think the lack of an invitation is enough for MOST people to realize they weren't invited, and if they ask about it, just explain that it's a very intimate ceremony.

 

That being said, I think you just have to handle the people who DO say things about being invited on a case by case basis. If they mention the wedding in front of you or drop some kind of hint that they're assuming they'll be invited, I think you just have to tell them to their face (or by however they contacted you in the first place) that you're having a very small ceremony.  Hopefully you won't have too many people do this to you, but I think it's a good idea to avoid the pre-emptive note saying people aren't invited.