Disappointed

[veryvalentine]

I know that I'm not the first to post about disappointment and I certainly won't be the last but I wanted to share my experience this weekend with you guys because you guys have been so supportive.  

 

We are getting married in 3 months and our Officiant who is one my best friends for over 20 years let me know this past week that she will not be able to attend the wedding.  We recently confirmed with the hotel that we wouldn't need any of their services with the Officiants etc etc and now we are starting all over from scratch.

 

She explained that money is a constraint for them and that they have 2 children and it's very difficult for them to travel.  I do understand.  We knew that not everyone could attend and we knew that this would be an issue for those who have children.  We get it.

 

When we asked her to be an Officiant she said she would do anything and she would make it work.  We were thrilled.  

 

Since then I've heard rumblings from some of my BMs that she was going to book last minute because it didn't matter where her room was or which hotel she stayed at because she's not part of the bridal party so she's not important.  I only heard about this in the last few days.  

 

We asked her to be an Officiant because she's an amazing speaker, she's witnessed my life through good times and bad and we felt like she really believed in us as a couple.  

 

We were so heartbroken when she told us that she couldn't come and it was because of money.  So when I told my family about this they offered to pay for her and her husband to come.  I told her this and she said that she still would have a hard time getting a sitter and it's just hard for her to come and she'd still need money to buy stuff etc etc.  I get it.  But at the same time, don't you just make it work for close friends?  Don't you just say like, ok, one of us will go, I will make it work.  She didn't even sound like apologetic on the phone.  It was just like, can't go, it's a fact.  Can't take your offer of help.   They have two sets of grandparents that can take care of their kids and this was all arranged to work earlier on in the year.  So now she's using them as an excuse that she doesn't know if they can sit.

 

In addition to this leaving a poor taste in my mouth, I just felt like maybe she felt like she wanted to be a bridesmaid instead of Officiant.  I really thought Officiant would be a greater honour because not only is she standing up at our wedding, she's marrying us.  She would be wearing a pretty dress just like the other girls but just taking more of a leadership role.  It feels silly that I would have to make sure someone feels special enough on my wedding day.  LIke that sounds crazy as I type it.

 

Well apparently not. 

 

I called her after our convo and told her that I spoke with the hotel and they would allow us to use her even if she decided to change her mind last minute and I had ordered her a bridesmaid dress one shade lighter to compliment the bridesmaid look and that way it will look awesome when we get our pictures taken.  She then responded that if she comes last minute she probably wouldn't want to be an officiant and that i was wasting my money with the dress because she prob can't come.  Which is fine, but like do we really need to be difficult?  I bought the convertible dress and if she can't make it, then I will keep it.  

 

I feel like she's really not making an effort and just being childish by talking behind my back and saying that she's not included.  How more included do you want to be?  Do you want to be the bride?  is that enough?

 

I ended up taking today off originally for us to meet up to work on the ceremony but then she cancelled on me and decided that I should really take this time and still try to get some wedding things done while i'm here visiting from out of town. I had already booked the day off and purchased a ticket so I couldn't cancel my day off.   I cancelled on her last night and explained that i took the day off originally to get ahead with wedding things and that i was going to try to get my veil tomorrow with my sister.  She was very passive aggressive and was like, "ok, fine, fine, have fun."  4 hours later she sent me a very short emailing telling me to "next time give her more notice because she was counting on me to be with her today"  

 

I mean the obvious is that I wanted to say well I was counting on you to be our officiant...but it was ok for you to bail 3 months out.

 

I just wrote back saying apologies.  Didn't mean to inconvenience you.

 

For me the friendship is over.  Is this like an extreme reaction?  I just feel like I really tried to help her out and make her feel included and even help out financially and her reaction is so negative.  I mean would she even have fun?  probably not.  

 

I just want to hear from you ladies to see what you think!  It's been a very difficult and disappointing day.  This is someone that I didn't think would ever be this way.  

 

ugh ;(

Edited March 9, 2015 by veryvalentine

[acw271011]

My first reaction is that there's something else at play here. But obviously something she doesn't feel able to share. It's so unfortunate that friendships go by the wayside over wedding planning. I think you've done everything you can and she just seems to have decided she isn't going. I'm sorry you're going through this. I've lost track of the number of times I've said this here but there isn't anyone that is going to be happier for you than you. It is what it is. Perhaps wait until after the wedding and reach out to to her, when there's no pressure especially if it's a friendship you value. You may be absolutely right and it can't be salvaged but better to find out when you aren't so stressed and busy with wedding planning. I can absolutely sympathize but don't let this take away any of your happiness. The end result is what counts the most and that's marrying the love of your life in a tropical paradise.

 

Good luck. Get in touch with your resort right away and explain the situation. I'm sure they'll be able to line someone up for you.

[nadiakat17]

I think she is behaving in an incredibly childish way. And no that's not too little to end a friendship over. I think you should talk it out and see what she has to say, just be honest. Although I'm not taking my own advice, my one "best friend " made no effort to come and I kept putting things off bc I thought she'd turn around last minute but that never happened. Instead I got to the point I just don't even care enough about the friendship anymore to bring it up... It's over for me

[calgarybride2015]

Hugs!

 

I agree that something else may be going on, but it's something you may never know about.

I also agree that it sounds like you have done everything you can and she just doesn't want to seem to make the effort on her side, which is unfortunately given you are offering to pay!  I am so sorry you are going thru this and we are always here to listen.

 

If you think you want to give it one more go either before or after the wedding, I suggest you do that. If you don't feel you can offer much more and have done all you can, then I think your feelings of the friendship being over are valid. There are only so many times you can be upset after banging your head against the wall trying to make a friendship work when the other side isn't reciprocal.

 

I think a lot of us on this board have a similar story or another.   I was soooo over the moon that I was going to ask my bestfriend to be my MOH. Never even got the chance. She never once talked to me about my wedding. From the minute I got engaged our relationship became VERY strained.   At first I didn't put two and two together - when I asked her to wedding dress shop she 'might' have plans and then ignored my request to change the time, etc. Then when asked for opinions or the like NOTHING!!    So I called her out on it and got a very lame excuse (she was offended at a joke which is our normal way of communicating). I apologized and tried to make amends.  I tried one more time to get her involved in something else and got a very distant and uninterested answer, so I walked away.   I got engaged in April and walked away in May (fully in June once school was over --- she watched my kids after school). I haven't looked back or ever regretted my decision.  This was supposed to be the happiness time in my life and I was miserable because of this.  I focused on the people who WERE happy for me and fostered those relationships.

 

I am not saying to walk away and never look back, that is just my situation. You have to decide when you have given enough with no return.

 

Good luck!

Edited March 9, 2015 by calgarybride2015

[veryvalentine]

Thank you so much for the advice @@acw271011 @@nadiakat17 @@calgarybride2015

 

I love the advice that acw271011 gave.  .."there isn't anyone that is going to be happier than you"   It's so true.  I shared this with my FI and he agreed.  We need to give ourselves permission to be so happy.  I think we sometimes make that mistake where we can't be happy until we feel like everyone is happy for us or everyone is having a great time.  We are really going to work on this and like iron it into our brains that nobody will be as happy for us as we are and that's totally ok, in fact, it's more than ok.

 

So thank you for that!

 

I think that I'm done.  It's sooo sad because it was a friendship that has a lot of history.  But, friendships like that don't just fall apart because of something like this, so maybe it wasn't as solid as we pretended it to be. 

You all mentioned that you feel like maybe it's something else.  I think she feels left out of the bridal party.  I think she wanted to be a bridesmaid.   I have a sister who is my best friend and my maid of honour, nobody was going to take her place and I think maybe she thought that was going to be hers. 

 

We really felt confident that she would be honoured with being the Officiant.  We didnt' expect her to feel insecure about her friendship with us and that she would be so small minded to think that she wasn't part of the wedding party.  How can she think so small and think that the Officiant plays a small role?  I don't get it and it's not my job on my wedding day to boost her self-confidence.

 

I'm going to respect my boundaries and I'm not going to fix this.  She can also reach out and I'm sure she won't.  It will be interesting if she shows any interest in our wedding at all when we return.  I have zero expectations but it's really in her court to make an effort.  I'm not going to go and chase her.

[calgarybride2015]

I agree.  I think being asked to be the officiant and marry you is a HUGE honor!!!   Most people just assume a minister does this, so asking a loved one is even more so an honor in my eyes!

 

I also agree with something you said...  'maybe it wasn't as a solid as we pretended it to be'   I honesty believe this with my ex-friend.  Ours was probably just a superficial way to pass time!   We both had rocky times on/off thru our friendship and this was the first big happy time for both of us, maybe it just got to her. I don't know, but like I said I don't regret walking away for a minute. My life is so much less drama!!!!   

[veryvalentine]

@@calgarybride2015

 

I feel lighter and it truly feels so good to put myself first.  I always put everyone else first.  I really needed to respect my boundaries here. 

I won't be chatting with her at all and I can't see that she would change her mind because she is so used to be the victim that I don't think she would step it up.  I opened up with a lot of my friends and discussed this in a mature way.  They all responded with relief.  She was the one that everyone was worried about.  Nobody knew how she was going to fit in because she is so difficult to handle and negative.  Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. 

[TinkerSofi]

I understands that this totally leaves a bitter taste in your mouth and it does feel like it's friends off. Sometimes things heal and sometimes they don't, but only time can tell.

 

From what you say it seems to me like she's looking for excuses. I wouldn't even try to please her anymore because she will always find a reason to say no. I'm sorry that you are going through this but I find that we all have an experience like that with at least one person in the wedding. They sound almost resentful that it's your day and not theirs. In that case, that's not your problem. It's not about you and it's more about their own personal issues. I agree that after someone offers to help you out financially you can try and make it work, you can go on your own, or if they're getting both adults paid for, could she bring the kids along?

 

All I can advise you is to focus on all the people that are going, and who are gladly going . I hope things with your friend do work out though, even if she doesn't come to the wedding.  

[veryvalentine]

Awww thank you for your advice @@TinkerSofi

 

I think you are right.  I can't even begin to describe the feeling when she spent 30 minutes on the phone explaining that they were so tight with money and yet declined when my family offered to pay for them.  It was literally one excuse after another.  It's so sad that weddings bring out the worst sides of people.  I'm going to take some time out of the next few days to  express gratitude to all those who have committed to coming and touch base with them so they  know just how much we appreciate it. 

 

Instead of focusing on her I am going to focus on all the positive. 

 

I know what you mean about time healing things but this is one of those deal breakers for me.  My family also will not keep the offer on the table. They also felt hurt by her excuses so she's lost our offer of help.

Edited March 10, 2015 by veryvalentine

[TinkerSofi]

Awww thank you for your advice @@TinkerSofi

 

I think you are right.  I can't even begin to describe the feeling when she spent 30 minutes on the phone explaining that they were so tight with money and yet declined when my family offered to pay for them.  It was literally one excuse after another.  It's so sad that weddings bring out the worst sides of people.  I'm going to take some time out of the next few days to  express gratitude to all those who have committed to coming and touch base with them so they  know just how much we appreciate it. 

 

Instead of focusing on her I am going to focus on all the positive. 

 

I know what you mean about time healing things but this is one of those deal breakers for me.  My family also will not keep the offer on the table. They also felt hurt by her excuses so she's lost our offer of help.

It makes sense. My friends have all been super responsive but Juan's not so much and I know some of those relationships are not the same anymore. It is sad, but I always tell myself that it's better that people like that don't come so that they don't overflow the week with their negativity. Sometimes it takes moments like these to find out who your real friends are.