Guest Inviting Strangers To My Wedding?

[rachelia160]

I've read about dozens of destination brides on this forum having similar issues so I know my problem is nothing unique, but I just need to vent!

 

I've been a little more lax about how who and how many people have been invited to our DW, because my parents are footing the bill at the resort (God bless 'em!)  Because of this, my mom has invited some of her friends and co-workers that don't exactly fall within the circle of "close family and friends," but that's totally fine with me. My parents are kind enough to pay for that part of the wedding, so of course they can invite some of their friends to join in on the vacation, even if that means a little more expense for me for invitations, OOT bags, etc - no biggie.  The entire process we've basically said "The more the merrier!" Last I checked we have 50 people booked, and it seems like a really fun group.

 

Now....my best friend's mom/mom's best friend (they are one in the same), is bringing their whole family to make it their family vacation for the year--in addition to her husband, my friend/bridesmaid/her daughter and her boyfriend, they are also bringing her older son and his girlfriend, neither of whom I know particularly well, and their 18 year old son. Again, no big deal--my mom and I are very close to this other mother/daughter duo so I'm happy to have the rest of the family at my wedding, even if I don't know them quite as well.

 

BUT, the other day my mom says "Did you hear that (insert 18 year old's name) is bringing two friends to Mexico?" Uh, no.  I asked if she expected them to come to the actual wedding, and my mom said she think's that's what my mom's friend would assume. Excuse me?! You're inviting two random teenagers to my relatively intimate wedding without even asking me, let alone informing me? I was so furious (perhaps a little over dramatically, but UGH).  I know that you booked trips for your entire family and I rolled with that, but that doesn't mean you can keep tacking on people I don't know!  

 

Especially when, to be honest, I'm not particulary thrilled that the 18 year old son is going to be there in the first place--he's constantly posting things to his social media pages that I find EXTREMELY offensive to my faith and beliefs, to the point where I had to block him so something wouldn't accidentally appear on my timeline because I found the things he was saying so upsetting. Considering that my and my fiance's religious beliefs will be a big part of our ceremony, it's already kind of annoying that we'll have someone so disrespectful in the audience who will probably be sitting there rolling his eyes...but ANYWAY, whatever, I can deal with that.  

 

But I just don't want two other random 18 year olds running around my wedding (probably getting drunk and obnoxious at the open bar if how the kid has acted in the past is any indication).  I don't care if they come to Mexico--it's their vacation too and they can have whoever they want come down, it's no skin off my nose.  But I don't think I should be required to have them at my ceremony. I know that most people say that you have to let every guest bring a date/friend, even if you don't know the person, but this doesn't feel like the same thing since he's coming with his entire family.

 

How should I deal with telling my mom's friend/friends mom this? I've read a lot of posts with similar issues where people explained that they have a tight budget and can't just be adding people, but that's not so much my issue since they know that I'm not personally paying for it, and that we've been pretty easy going about adding other guests.

 

Or should I just let it go?  Is this one of those things that seems like a huge deal pre-wedding that won't make a bit of difference to me the day of?

 

My mom told me not to stress about it too much since they're 18 year old boys and when push comes to shove they might not be able to come up with the money to go, so it might be a moo point (like a cow's opinion - it doesn't matter! , but I'd rather be prepared with how to deal with it if and when they book.

 

WHEW, I feel better just writing all that out

[calgarybride2015]

I've been an advocate for allowing all your guests to have a plus one but I feel this goes way to far.

 

If you invited the friend, and then her husband and their young kids come that's fine. Maybe even the 18 year old son, but NOT his friends. Is this 18 year old your friends son or her brother? (I got lost lol)

 

I would nip that in the butt quickly. I am pretty frank with this stuff so I would probably make a quick phone call and just let her know that your space is limited - let her know that xyz (whoever you decide) from that party are invited but everyone else is not. A plus one is one thing, a family vacation for their entire family tree is not.

 

This is totally fair IMO and these people can't be offended (and shouldn't be, heck) about this.

 

I think this is partly an issue when more than just yourself gets to invite people. Things just get out of hand.

 

But it's your wedding and aside from a plus one and their immediate family (ie their kids) you have every right to cut it off.

 

Good luck.

 

 

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Edited February 17, 2015 by calgarybride2015

[rachelia160]

I've been an advocate for allowing all your guests to have a plus one but I feel this goes way to far.

 

If you invited the friend, and then her husband and their young kids come that's fine. Maybe even the 18 year old son, but NOT his friends. Is this 18 year old your friends son or her brother? (I got lost lol)

 

I would nip that in the butt quickly. I am pretty frank with this stuff so I would probably make a quick phone call and just let her know that your space is limited - let her know that xyz (whoever you decide) from that party are invited but everyone else is not. A plus one is one thing, a family vacation for their entire family tree is not.

 

This is totally fair IMO and these people can't be offended (and shouldn't be, heck) about this.

 

I think this is partly an issue when more than just yourself gets to invite people. Things just get out of hand.

 

But it's your wedding and aside from a plus one and their immediate family (ie their kids) you have every right to cut it off.

 

Good luck.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

I TOTALLY agree that every guest you invite should have a plus one--how can you ask someone to spend thousands of dollars on a vacation and then expect them to come by themselves? I wouldn't spend my vacation budget for the year if I couldn't go with my significant other, or at least a friend. So I definitely get that angle. I feel like I've taken it a step further in allowing people to invite families instead of just dates and their non-adult children, but now it's being taken advantage of. Likely because I am so close to this person and they just *assume* that they have special privileges in regards to the wedding.

 

And the 18 year old is my friend's brother, sorry that got a little convoluted! I'm planting my frustration more on their mom since I don't think my friend has anything to do with it. I guess that's why I see the distinction--he isn't coming as an 'individual guest' who then gets to bring a date, he is coming as the son of another guest...so he's ALREADY the guest of a guest, so his friends would be the guests of a guest of a guest....okay, now my brain hurts 

[calgarybride2015]

I TOTALLY agree that every guest you invite should have a plus one--how can you ask someone to spend thousands of dollars on a vacation and then expect them to come by themselves? I wouldn't spend my vacation budget for the year if I couldn't go with my significant other, or at least a friend. So I definitely get that angle. I feel like I've taken it a step further in allowing people to invite families instead of just dates and their non-adult children, but now it's being taken advantage of. Likely because I am so close to this person and they just *assume* that they have special privileges in regards to the wedding.

 

And the 18 year old is my friend's brother, sorry that got a little convoluted! I'm planting my frustration more on their mom since I don't think my friend has anything to do with it. I guess that's why I see the distinction--he isn't coming as an 'individual guest' who then gets to bring a date, he is coming as the son of another guest...so he's ALREADY the guest of a guest, so his friends would be the guests of a guest of a guest....okay, now my brain hurts 

 

LOL I totally understand.    

 

Everyone views things differently and has a different take on it.  I had my friend ask me if she could bring her son - of course she can, he is only 8!!  But on the flip side I had families who chose to do this as their alone time.

 

But like you said, their 18 year old son is their 'plus one' and NO he can not bring his friends.   I think you have every right to cut that off and honestly, as hard as these convos can be, you need to be upfront about it.  It could possibly get more out of control if you don't.  It's so disrespectful, IMO, to even think these extra people can go.  That is just me though.

 

I would just speak to whoever you are most comfortable with - I assume your friend and let her know that her family and her mom's family are welcome to come (if you are comfortable with that) but otherwise noone else.

[rachelia160]

@@calgarybride2015 I think that's what I'll do--I can feel out the situation for my friend, who I know couldn't care less one way or the other if her brother's friends are invited to the ceremony, and then see if she'll pass along the info to her mom--he can bring whoever he wants to the resort to hang out for the week, but that does not make them automatically invited to the wedding or reception.  I'm fine with the rest of the family coming and have been counting them in my numbers all along, but I gotta put my foot down somewhere. Thanks for letting me talk this out, my blood is now boiling a little less  

[calgarybride2015]

@@calgarybride2015 I think that's what I'll do--I can feel out the situation for my friend, who I know couldn't care less one way or the other if her brother's friends are invited to the ceremony, and then see if she'll pass along the info to her mom--he can bring whoever he wants to the resort to hang out for the week, but that does not make them automatically invited to the wedding or reception.  I'm fine with the rest of the family coming and have been counting them in my numbers all along, but I gotta put my foot down somewhere. Thanks for letting me talk this out, my blood is now boiling a little less

 

I think your friend will probably be receptive to that, I think friends think a lot a like and it's your wedding and in that case too, most people are sympathetic!!

 

We had a few pop up during our go.  Shawn's cousin wanted to invite their other cousin -- they offered to pay for their seat. Like we would ask them to do that. We actually told them we would consider it as we were low on seats and wanted to ensure the 'maybes' didn't miss out as they had actual invites.  In the end we extended an invite and they never even came LOL!!

 

Then about 4 days before the wedding the groomsman who lives in Mexico asked if his kid and his girlfriend's kid could come. I actually said no to that.  My seating chart was done, the numbers were in to the resort and I just wasn't going there.  They had 9 months to have asked and 4 days before wasn't going to fly with me.

[rachelia160]

I think your friend will probably be receptive to that, I think friends think a lot a like and it's your wedding and in that case too, most people are sympathetic!!

 

We had a few pop up during our go.  Shawn's cousin wanted to invite their other cousin -- they offered to pay for their seat. Like we would ask them to do that. We actually told them we would consider it as we were low on seats and wanted to ensure the 'maybes' didn't miss out as they had actual invites.  In the end we extended an invite and they never even came LOL!!

 

Then about 4 days before the wedding the groomsman who lives in Mexico asked if his kid and his girlfriend's kid could come. I actually said no to that.  My seating chart was done, the numbers were in to the resort and I just wasn't going there.  They had 9 months to have asked and 4 days before wasn't going to fly with me.

 

Asking for additional wedding invites FOUR DAYS before a wedding?! I'm sorry but I just do not understand what planet some people live on. In what universe would that be appropriate? I don't blame you one bit for saying no. I'd definitely do the same.

 

Although, it might be a guy thing--I don't think they realize how important to know exactly who and how many people will be there.  Just last night I was delegating some tasks to my FI and getting on his case about asking the fifth and final groomsmen to be in the wedding (he LITERALLY just texted me saying he asked...he WORKS with the guy, sees him every day, and has waited until now to ask...MEN!), and I said that I want his FINAL list of his groomsmen by mid March. He then named THREE other friends that he'd like to be in the wedding and and said they might not know if they'll have the money til the last minute, and seemed to think it was unfair of me to set a cut off date (and that's not even saying they can't GO to the wedding, I just need to know who's going to be IN it for programs, outfits, gifts, etc.)  We've had our wedding date for well over a year and everyone has known about it far enough in advance to save/make plans one way or the other, and to me it's not unreasonable to want the wedding party booked three months before the wedding...but he doesn't get why we can't just keep adding them til the last minute. But I think he saw that I was about to fly off the handle and backed down and promised to have the list by March! Ha!

[calgarybride2015]

HAHAH men are hilarious - March is not unreasonable to want to have a wedding party confirmed.  That's only 3 months before your wedding. It takes time to find outfits, to get sized (more for women) and to get all your items made that may show their name.  Also gifts for them!   Personally, if someone isn't able to commit to coming to Mexico 3 months before the wedding, I think it's safe to assume they won't be coming.  I think our last minute people booked around 2.5-3 months out. I put a cap on it as well - was Nov 1 for our Jan 21 wedding.  These weren't even bridal party people either - I would have lost my marbles!

 

i also don't think people realize DW cost us money per person.   I think the allure of an AI confuses people, but that said it doesn't to others.  One of our guests was shocked we had an open bar and thanked us. Figured booze would be at a cost and they brought money just in case!!  So everyone is different.

[racht33]

@@rachelia160 wow now this is beyond what I am used to reading about. I totally agree with allowing people to bring a plus one esp. since they are going away for a few days its nice to have a partner along. But when its gotten so extended to the children and then the children bringing friends. Thats where i cross the line. IMO I say its ok for him to bring his friends is he pleases, but the parent needs to know where the line is drawn. if they wish to come to the resort and be on vacation thats fine. But they arent included in the ceremony , reception , personal dinners etc. They arent your guest therefore they will not be treated as such. no bags or welcome etc. If you wanted strangers at your personal event that would mean just to invite the entire resort to your party. I believe youve been patient enough and now this is when you must have your voice heard.This is your day.. and your future husband's day. Not a spring spreak/ summer break outting.

[rachelia160]

HAHAH men are hilarious - March is not unreasonable to want to have a wedding party confirmed.  That's only 3 months before your wedding. It takes time to find outfits, to get sized (more for women) and to get all your items made that may show their name.  Also gifts for them!   Personally, if someone isn't able to commit to coming to Mexico 3 months before the wedding, I think it's safe to assume they won't be coming.  I think our last minute people booked around 2.5-3 months out. I put a cap on it as well - was Nov 1 for our Jan 21 wedding.  These weren't even bridal party people either - I would have lost my marbles!

 

i also don't think people realize DW cost us money per person.   I think the allure of an AI confuses people, but that said it doesn't to others.  One of our guests was shocked we had an open bar and thanked us. Figured booze would be at a cost and they brought money just in case!!  So everyone is different.

 

I didn't even really set a booking deadline--the money is due April 25, so people need to be booked by then, but besides that I've been pretty laid back about the entire thing, which is why I don't think it's too much to ask for the party to be booked in March--and everyone who we originally planned on IS booked! We have 5 bridesmaids and 5 groomsmen good to go (even the one he just asked six seconds ago was already booked because he's the brother of one of my bridesmaid's and his boss' son so their entire family is coming...we have very interconnected family relationships apparently!) but he kind of sprung the other friends on me and seemed put out when I more or less said "No they can't be in the wedding if they're not booked by then because I can't wait that long." But like you said, if they're not booked by then they probably won't be coming anyway so it probably won't end up making a difference.

 

I think you're exactly right about AI.  Some people are AMAZED and barely comprehend when I explain that they don't need to pay for food or drinks on the resort...but then the people who are already used to the idea or have been to one before seem to think that means the wedding is essentially free. We wish!!

 

That's so cute that you had friends thank you for the open bar--they must have been thrilled that the entire week was an open bar! 

 

 

@@rachelia160 wow now this is beyond what I am used to reading about. I totally agree with allowing people to bring a plus one esp. since they are going away for a few days its nice to have a partner along. But when its gotten so extended to the children and then the children bringing friends. Thats where i cross the line. IMO I say its ok for him to bring his friends is he pleases, but the parent needs to know where the line is drawn. if they wish to come to the resort and be on vacation thats fine. But they arent included in the ceremony , reception , personal dinners etc. They arent your guest therefore they will not be treated as such. no bags or welcome etc. If you wanted strangers at your personal event that would mean just to invite the entire resort to your party. I believe youve been patient enough and now this is when you must have your voice heard.This is your day.. and your future husband's day. Not a spring spreak/ summer break outting.

 

 

I'm glad you agree! Like you said, it's no problem if he brings his friends to the resort--heck, bring 20 friends, makes no difference to me. It's YOUR vacation, but it's OUR wedding.  That sounds a little Bridezilla-y but I guess I gotta be firm at some point!

 

I'm glad you mentioned welcome bags too because I was already worried about that--I have 50 guests booked now and bought just enough supplies for 60 people. There's a chance that I could end up with closer to 60 INVITED guests, and  I really don't want to buy more supplies for univited strangers!