Rsvp Nightmares

[nadiakat17]

Ugh since when are rsvps optional? Our wedding is in less than three months. We've had to hound even the people that booked rooms ( still need to know what they are eating and about catamaran) . Our response rate by the date is like 50%. I am in shock how rude these people we call our close friends have been. Some never even answered my text about RSVPing let alone filled out the form. The worst is that some people are "still thinking about it" and some people apparently added on last minute ( family friends kids ) but have yet to officially rsvp. Some people haven't bought their flights yet. Even though I didn't give people a guest , that one friend said offhandedly she invited the guy she has been dating a few weeks ! And he said no. Friend told me they were surely coming ( I just went to their destination wedding) and now saying um idk shout money and school( don't they know how frustrating this is?) The worst has been for my FI . His three best friends committed and we booked their rooms putting down thousands of dollars not asking them to pay until now. No response at the rsvp , no response to emails now. One finally responded to a Facebook message and said "oh we need to decide if this is financially feasible now we're thinking of buying a house" Um I'm sry you couldn't tell us this months ago knowing we paid 1500 for your room?! And he still hasn't given us an answer! We're giving him one more week, and still haven't heard from the other guys. These people make good money and should be more responsible w the jobs they have. We will have to pay the cancellation fees for all their rooms. I was crying yesterday and I never cry, because these are supposed to be our closest people and I feel they are beyond rude and treating us like dirt. At this point I don't even want them to come. And if they didn't want to come they should have spoke up instead of leading us on.i want to say something if they don'tend up coming, not mean, but basically saying that I was disappointed in how things went down but my mom and FI are telling me to let it go...it is so difficult to let it go when I am so hurt by multiple people. It's just heartbreaking and I never thought people would be like this ????

[LisaAnthonyPoppy]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You can never be sure what's going to happen in situations like a destination wedding. You have got to set yourself up for any situation by protecting your investment - your wedding.

Everyone should be able to have someone to travel with to attend a destination wedding. Everyone. Guests for singles are a must. I couldn't tell by your post if you said your single friends aren't allowed to bring a guest or not. You can't have the same expectations inviting someone to a destination wedding alone as you would in your hometown.

You can never go by anyone's word when it comes to destination weddings.it was really nice and super thoughtful to go out of your way to secure their rooms just on their word, but realistically that was a potential disaster waiting to happen.

Also, as much as it hurts your feelings you can not be angry that someone who makes good money doesn't want to spend their good money to come to your destination wedding. It happened to me, with my sister and her husband; I get it.

Concentrate on the people who really want to be there and let go of the ones that can't come for whatever reason.

And I would not chase down anyone for an RSVP card at all. You have some many things to coordinate and finalize, you certainly don't need the headache. If they haven't mailed back an RSVP, or however you have it arranged to be collected then I wouldn't consider them coming. If they have scheduled their travel arrangements but not sent back the card I wouldn't see the need to do anything. Make the dining choice for them and if their not happy, it's not your concern. Your getting married! Your getting married and you and your fiancé are going to be so lost in each other you won't care who is there! Stay positive.

[palmtree99]

Ugh, this is my fear! I am sending my invites out soon and I'm scared my friends and family will pull the same thing. :/ hang in there, in the end, the people that are there are the ones supporting you. I'm sure I will have flaky people back out at the last minute, but at least at my wedding I'll be surrounded by the ones who care!

[calgarybride2015]

Hugs

 

I second a lot of what Lisa said.

 

I never knew the drama that would surround a wedding, until I was planning one.    I had people to this day NOT RSVP who have been married themselves. You would think someone who was in our shoes would understand the importance of knowing numbers but I guess not.   I had a lot of people verbalize their no, but I totally understand. Heck, my dad never RSVP'd but he booked.

 

I think at this point you just need to shut your numbers down.  Shawn and I got to that point. We had wafflers and we decided that x date was it and we would decline people who RSVP'd after.  This was about 2-3 months before the wedding. 

The ones who have booked with the TA but not RSVP'd, you could email them and if they don't respond (which is highly rude) then make their menu choice for them. There is only so much you can do.

 

With respect to a booking deadline coming to a close, we sent out 2 reminder emails.  We wanted people to know that we only had x amount of spots and it was first come, first serve, and as of this date they would be no more.  That got people moving, but the 3 months leading up to that was awful and most people booked in the last week.

 

That said I made my RSVP date and my booking deadline one in the same. Not sure if that helped.   The people who expressed interest but weren't sure I gave them until mid November.  

 

We had also considered putting down money for people but it was actually my TA that strongly advised against it, probably for the exact reason you are saying -- either people back out or you have to hound them for money.

I think you have every right to have a frank discussion with those individuals, if nothing else for them to understand the sacrifice you made for them.  I would be freaking livid, so I think your frustrations are very valid.

 

So while I didn't help any, what you are feeling and experiencing is normal as much as it sucks Hang in there.

But honestly at 3 months out, I would just cut people off.  You need to plan and order things, this can't go on forever.

 

Hugs

Edited January 3, 2015 by calgarybride2015

[acw271011]

@@calgarybride2015 has it down absolutely pat! I think it's the same story for everyone in some way shape or form. I don't know what it is about a destination wedding. We had the same issue and when it came down to it, to maintain our group rate, we had to give people a go or not go. From there it snowballed and the people that booked and were going were afraid they were going to get stuck paying a higher rate. So they all cancelled. And that was the end of it. We still went on our own and did what we wanted. But for our AHR, it was easy as pie. We had responses almost immediately and the block of rooms we had all went within a week at the hotel. I don't know if people are afraid to commit to the travel or what it is. People are either going or they aren't, or they wait until the last possible minute.

 

I'm starting to feel like a broken record but nothing brings out the squabbles like weddings and funerals. Wish I knew why. Let it all go. Do what YOU need to do for you and your FI. You're the only 2 that count. The people that truly want to be there will be. The rest can all go fly a kite or take a long jump off a short pier. Yes - you really do find out who your friends are unfortunately. But don't let it ruin your wedding for the two of you. Just remember what you'll have coming back from where your wedding will be held. Memories that will last a life time, and a new husband no matter who else is there!

 

Good luck! I promise it will all work out and you'll have a beautiful wedding!

[TinkerSofi]

Oh this really sucks and I'm sorry you have to go through it. Personally I don't think you should let it go. If it was a small matter, yeah sure, but when it comes to the friends you paid for and now they're backing out, I would absolutely let them know how disappointed I was with their flakiness. After all, it is costing you a lot of money and they could have easily stopped you from paying, saying that they still had to decide and didn't want you to take that responsibility. 

 

At this point I would be super firm with people, send them a message saying that XXX date is absolutely the last day to respond or you will just not take them into account for the wedding, given that your deadline for payments is coming up and you need a finalized number. Whoever doesn't reply and comes back after the date saying they're coming, too bad. I would say that you already paid and everything is finalized with the hotel so your hands are tied. I'm kind of passive aggressive that way, but it really pisses me off when people don't put themselves in our shoes and they don't even have the courtesy to send you a simple text message to say whether they're coming or not. I personally think it's super rude, and if they got mad at me for that it would be friends off for me. I know it's kind of radical, but for me it's not worth having "friends" who are not there for me when I need them and who obviously don't really care. I think 3 months is a realistic amount of time. I get it if people don't know a year in advance whether they can come but 3 months is not that long. Those who really want to be there will reply and will be there  

 

As a solution to the rooms booked problem, maybe you still have time to change the name on the trips. That way, if someone wants to book now, they can just pay you and switch the names on those trips. You might have to pay a fee, but it's better than losing everything. 

[nadiakat17]

Thanks everyone! Very helpful advice and basically what I'm thinking. As far as the single guests as I said before there were a couple I didn't give guests that were legit single, but they had their groups of friends coming an d their own potential room in a suite with others, plus the ability to ask me if they really wanted to bring someone. The fact that my friend asked a guy to come that she has been seeing literally three weeks is crazy to me and exactly what I was trying to prevent. Of course it's sad when friends say they can't come even when I think their excuse is lame, it's this rudeness of radio silence. The friends I was talking about making good money are the ones who told us 100% to book rooms for them . Unfortunately we had to pay 100% of the price as soon as we booked our wedding which is why we were giving them some time to get the money together. In the grand scheme of things the cancellation fee is not that much but it's so rude they knew there was one and had not offered to pay. The fact that they asked us to do this and still are either not answering or "still deciding" after the rsvp date is unacceptable. Some problems stem from the fact some of my parents friends are coming that may or may not bring their kids and my parents are pretty chill about it, not really seeing the big deal. For example one is in the military and may or may not come but his parents did not mention anything to me personally in the rsvp. I think some of them think this is their vacation and it's going to be a chill wedding. Most waffling are my FI friends so I'll let him to decide how to handle their friendships but mine are probably never going to be the same. I am on vacation now ( so warm so nice! ) and trying not to stress. Part of is is as soon as I get back I have maybe 4-6 days off til the wedding, 80 hr work wks, etc which is weighing me down already. We told them as soon as they get back we need to know . I am going to make a few extra place setting things, oot bags for the potebtial family friends but everyone else is cut off. I am excited for this wedding and trying not to loose my cool

[TinkerSofi]

@@nadiakat17 I think that's a great approach. It really peeves me when people think a DW is so chill and there's no planning involved. Yes, the planning is a bit easier, but it's made more stressful by the fact that you can't see things in person. There's also the myth that they're pretty much free, which is definitely not the case! I always tell people, DW can be as much as a local wedding, but since you don't have as many guests, usually it comes to being a bit cheaper. 

[calgarybride2015]

@@nadiakat17 I think that's a great approach. It really peeves me when people think a DW is so chill and there's no planning involved. Yes, the planning is a bit easier, but it's made more stressful by the fact that you can't see things in person. There's also the myth that they're pretty much free, which is definitely not the case! I always tell people, DW can be as much as a local wedding, but since you don't have as many guests, usually it comes to being a bit cheaper. 

 

My wedding is costing as much as my friends in Calgary, the only difference is I have 44 guests and she had like 100... and mine includes a vacation for my family of 4. 

[TinkerSofi]

My wedding is costing as much as my friends in Calgary, the only difference is I have 44 guests and she had like 100... and mine includes a vacation for my family of 4. 

Exactly! once you factor in the trips it really is just as much or more expensive