To Invite Or Not To Invite?

[jeffandrobyn]

I have a good friend who I haven't seen much in the last two years - first she had a bad pregnancy and now she's got a baby. Even before then, things were one-sided with me making most of the effort to maintain the friendship. She's scared of planes so I knew she wouldn't come to my wedding but I planned to invite her anyway. She received a save the date. Then about two months ago, we had a little tiff over my bachelorette party when she said 'she doesn't mind going out as long as her daughter is sleeping because she doesn't like to miss any time with her when she's awake,' I got really annoyed at that - she's married and has lots of childcare options - but also, since she's not going to be at the wedding I would think that she would at least want to come to this. We didn't talk for two months until a few weeks ago when I said Happy Bday. 

 

I go on FB yesterday and see she had a big 1st birthday party for her daughter at her house. I felt like that was a huge slap in the face not to invite me. I sent her a nice text - saw you had a bday party for your daughter, she's so cute, can't believe she's one already! I wanted to see how she'd respond. She didn't respond at all. 

 

So between that and how our friendship has been over the last few years, I am questioning whether to send her an invitation at all now, even though she got a save the date. What do you think? 

[Guest]

If you know she won't be able to come, then not sending an invitation serves no purpose except to spite her.  Unless you are uninterested in being friends any longer, you should send the courtesy invite.

[rachelia160]

Eh, I'd say if you sent a Save the Date you should probably follow through with the invitation, especially if you're pretty sure she won't come so you don't have to worry about her putting a damper on your day.  If she doesn't seem concerned or apologetic at all about not being able to make it, you can wipe your hands of her (if that's what you want to do) with your invitation as your last big effort. Plus, that makes you the bigger person despite her inconsiderate-ness, which is never a bad thing in the long run!

[beckys98]

I agree that you might as well send her the invitation. I have a friend who lives a couple hours away that is a single mom to a teenage daughter, and she uses that as an excuse. She made a snarky comment to a mutual friend about the cost of the destination wedding, even though I gave over a year notice to save. It's not THAT much and she goes on a vacation every year anyway. Her sister lives near me and I'll see on FB all the time that she is here visiting and she never calls. I debated whether or not to invite her and decided to just go for it. No harm in this case.

 

On the first birthday party - I've actually NOT been invited to some of my closest friend's kid's first birthday parties and they told me it was because I don't have kids that they thought I would be bored! Basically they thought they were doing me a favor, and I really don't mind! For the most part, they are right. Could it have been something like that?

[calgarybride2015]

To save face I'd just send one and be done with it.

 

I had the friend who verbally told me she couldn't come but then was pissy when I didn't send her an invite. I decided to be the bigger person and invite her to my bachelorette but she of course declined. Done and done - I can say I did the right thing.

 

 

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[nattiegams325]

I'm in a sort of similar situation...I sent the invite just to be done with it.

[acw271011]

I'm going to go out the opposite way from the other ladies. Life is too short for this kind of upset from people especially when you're trying to plan what will hopefully be a happy and special day for you. You can hit your head against a brick wall only so many times before you get a serious headache and realize you won't knock the wall down. If the effort has already been too one sided on your part and it's bothering you, leave it alone and be done with it. I wouldn't bother with an invite. If she is at all interested in maintaining the friendship you'll hear from her. If not, count it as a life experience and move on. This process really lets you find out who your true friends are and sometimes it's difficult.

 

Good luck!

[calgarybride2015]

I'm going to go out the opposite way from the other ladies. Life is too short for this kind of upset from people especially when you're trying to plan what will hopefully be a happy and special day for you. You can hit your head against a brick wall only so many times before you get a serious headache and realize you won't knock the wall down. If the effort has already been too one sided on your part and it's bothering you, leave it alone and be done with it. I wouldn't bother with an invite. If she is at all interested in maintaining the friendship you'll hear from her. If not, count it as a life experience and move on. This process really lets you find out who your true friends are and sometimes it's difficult.

 

Good luck!

 

It sure does let you know who your true friends are!  I think that was my biggest shock and hardest thing to understand.

Edited December 17, 2014 by calgarybride2015

[MrsCtoB]

I agree with everything that has been said above and I think it really depends on what you would like to happen to the friendship post wedding. Do you plan on eventually rekindling this friendship or would you be 100% okay with severing ties?

I was in the same situation. She was actually asked to be a bridesmaid and had initially said yes, but then no with a million excuses that were aimed at making me feel guilty about having a DW. Our friendship had been pretty rocky for years but I looked at the whole thing as my last attempt. In the end, I did not send her an invitation. I just refuse to focus any of my energy on negativity during this process. I do have other friends who I knew would not be able to attend, but I sent the invitation regardless.  

[jeffandrobyn]

It sure does let you know who your true friends are!  I think that was my biggest shock and hardest thing to understand.

 

I agree. Every friend is fun and great when nothing is wrong and it's all light-hearted, but when you run into trouble, need support or help well... that's when I saw who my true friends were. 

 

And not for nothing, the girl I'm referencing didn't even call or text to say congratulations on my engagement when she saw it on Facebook. That was disappointing. Though I guess the fact that I didn't think to call her and tell her the news tells me something too. FI had thrown me a surprise mini-engagement party immediately after our proposal. It was only family and our closet friends and very, very informal, but he didn't even think of her either.

@TiffanyMC 

 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I feel like weddings always bring out either the best or worst in people. I had a friendship end over a DW a few years ago. I got sick the day before my friend's wedding...like vomitting, can't sleep sick, not hungover sick...and I was MOH. Her hubby and her got mad at me that I was trying to take attention away from the bride. Seriously?!! Meanwhile I took anything I could to make myself feel better temporarily and didn't let on to anyone that I was not well the day of her wedding. At her after party, she got mad at me for changing out of my bridesmaid dress into something a little more comfortable and - knowing that I was sick - got mad at me for leaving 2 hours after the after party started. Adding fuel to the fire was that she was already annoyed that I was only staying 4 nights instead of a full week. I was not in a financial position to stay longer. She was aware of that and STILL was upset with me.  

Edited December 17, 2014 by jeffandrobyn