Mother And Father Of The Groom Not Attending?!?!

[beckys98]

A survey?! Um...no...I'm not planning a wedding by committee!

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I definitely agree with CalgaryBride that if he thought you were rushing it initially or had other thoughts in mind he should have spoken up - now is not the time to place blame on you! It is also just entirely unproductive.

 

We decided together from the outset that whoever comes, comes. Whoever doesn't, doesn't. We did pick our date to give people enough time to plan and save (even though it wasn't our ideal time of year) and we did pick a family friends resort so people could bring their kids (even though it seriously limited our options). Those are just about the only concessions we are willing to make! And we'll focus the rest of our energy on making the week the BEST time for those who come.

 

I hope you can work this out without too much added stress on your relationship There is 0% chance I would change my date if I already had people book! No way.

[peachykeen159]

@@JennyZ Woah, "you" did not rush into anything. I agree with the other ladies, if during this process he thought things were rushed, he should have brought it up. I think CB is right that he's just feeling the pressure from his family. They still have a whole other year until the wedding. If you would have got engaged and had a destination wedding 3 months later, then sure I might say that's a rush but you've given plenty of notice and time for this to happen. Don't let any of them make you feel guilty at this point. 

 

I think a lot of people don't realize how much work goes into planning a destination wedding. You put in all this work and to have them bring up this issue just before deposits are due isn't fair to you at all. You probably have a million other things to worry about. At the end of the day, your wedding is about you and not a survey of what works out for everyone else. Sure when we picked our dates we took a few things into consideration like when holidays are and how much time it gives people before Christmas but that's about it. 

 

Lol this isn't even my issue and I'm just blowing steam over here...I can't imagine being you and having to deal with this!! What do they expect you to tell all the others that have already booked time off and put down deposits? ugh so frustrating!

[calgarybride2015]

Thinking about you -- hope everything is working out the way you would like. Keep us posted. HUGS!

[JennyZ]

@@calgarybride2015 - You are the bestest

 

Hi Ladies! Thanks for thinking of me!!! The last week was a bit hectic, with the deposits being due and getting everyone rounded up. Plus I've been working out, to make sure everything is good for my dress measurements being taken in February/March!!! 20lbs to go!

 

So!!! Here's a update!

 

His Mother ended up booking (alone) through our group on the last day - guess her air miles weren't as good as our package And one of his Uncle's booked (also alone). That's it!!! Out of the 29 people he invited, he has just 2 people

 

My FI had gone to Quebec to speak with his family/tell them it was important to him to attend. He came back to Ontario and called me excited, saying how his Father, the GF, an Uncle (he has 4) and his Grandparents would be booking the next day (the deadline date). The next day, he received a call and they advised him that they would "just prefer to wait"....

 

Of course I was disappointed and confused. Why would they want to pay $500 extra EACH after the deadline, instead of just putting in their $250 deposits and being included with the group???... If money isn't an issue, then the only reason I am left with, is they dont approve (11 year age difference is my thought) and simply dont want to come.

 

I had initially asked my FI, if he would mind if I contacted his Father's gf to have a "woman-to-woman" chat, but he wanted to speak with them himself first.... Well! Since that didn't work! I decided to reach out to her afterwards I wrote to her, letting her know that our deposit deadline has been extended until December 29 and that we would really love to have them there/hate to see them pay $500 each to book later on, should they change their minds.... I added in that I knew it was very important for my FI to have his family there and I just didnt know why his own Father AND Brother (only sibling) would not want to attend his wedding...

 

She wrote me back yesterday, saying the Father and herself "really wants to come" but they are "waiting until the last moment, just in case of the Grandfather and Grandmother's health".

 

I thanked her very much for the communication and explained how I had not known the Father would not attend his sons wedding, without his parents (I still dont quite understand why it would matter either way? lol) I let her know, that I hope they will at least know before August 2015, as we have to pay the resort the deposits on all of our guests dinners (our package is dependent of # of guests), buy gifts, etc.

 

To rub a bit more salt in the wound... I know his entire family have all received their Christmas cards this week, which I handmade and learned/wrote all in French, especially for them (they are all french and me, not so much!!! lol!) Meanwhile, none of them are even interested in attending our wedding, or asking if we would be having a reception closer to them. They simply just did not reply/acknowledge any of our announcements, save the dates, wedding website and reminder emails.

 

Guess the final answer is pretty obvious now, eh? I will add, all of his family members have well paying jobs, so money is definitely not the issue here. It has left me feeling pretty unwelcome, but all-in-all, my family & friends are being amazing, so I am focusing my energy on bringing him around those who want to be there for us, so he can feel apart of the excitement on our end. Poor guy!

 

I am leaving in a few hours, to go visit him wayyyy up in Petawawa (he's in the military there) and see him for the first time in several weeks!!!   I hope he notices the 5lbs I've lost and I'm bringing him a house warming gift - a framed collage of some of our engagement pictures I just got back as a sneak peek (still waiting for the rest of the pics, so I can make our wedding invitations!!! And YES! I will be sending those invitations to ALLLL of his family, who have not answered us! LOL! )

 

Wishing you all an awesome weekend and thanking you SO much, for being an ear and shoulder for me, during this time!!!

 

xo

 

 

P.S. I just added the engagement photos to an album on my profile here, if you want to see the sneak peek!

Edited December 19, 2014 by JennyZ

[acw271011]

I'm really sorry you're dealing with all of this. It's definitely a common thread on here of couples that get put in this position because they're having a destination wedding. It's too bad but I've said this before - nothing brings out family squabbles like weddings and funerals.

 

You also have the French Canadian mentality to deal with on top of that! I lived in PQ for 3 years and until you live it, you don't understand it. It's much more than just a family dynamic. It's like possession is 9/10ths of the family! If you step out of the "norm" then you're immediately in trouble. I met so many Quebecers that have never, ever left the province! And to even think of doing that is almost sacrilegious! It's QUEBEC after all!! Why would you want to go anywhere else?? And for the ones that are willing to go someplace else, well then its Old Orchard Beach in Maine. you can't get near that place in the summer unless you book a minimum of 6 months or more in advance because it's full of les quebecois!! Then if you get the REALLY adventurous ones it's Cuba. And that trip is a major undertaking! I don't remember if you said anything about FIs family being travellers or not but if they aren't, there is no way on god's green earth you're going to get them to attend your wedding (unless you move it to Cuba!) I spend 15 years working for the federal government in Ottawa - I used to camp up near petawawa - and I never met so many close minded people as I did French Canadians. I could never figure out why. Oh yes - and a huge number of them go into the military!! You have my sympathies for sure. You've got an interesting road ahead of you.

 

The important thing to remember - and I've said this many times too - is that you need to figure out what's important to the two of you. Your wedding is supposed to be about you but there are people that would never even consider it unless their entire family is there, but that's what is important to them. You two need to figure that out. We had everyone cancel out on us so we went just the two of us and got married on the beach in Jamaica. That's the super short version. It's a little more than that. But the thing is, it's what we wanted and I had to be reminded of that. Now it's the family that missed out on a wonderful opportunity to have a special vacation and a chance to have a good time and make some good memories. Their loss!

 

Good luck and I hope it all works out for you!

[Wafflesmom]

Hi @@JennyZ big hug of support for you. I'm so sorry you've had such a hard time with his side of the family. Please don't let them take away from the Duma DJ excitement of wedding planning (though I know it's easier said than done). Regardless of if they're there or not, you will have an amazing time marrying the man of your dreams. You'll still be surrounded by family and loved ones and it's their loss if they don't want to be a part of it.

 

Take care and hope everything gets better from here on out

[Gemma987]

Hello Jenny,

 

I'm the mother of the groom.....not your groom, though. I just wanted to share with you my perspective and that of my husband, on the issue of our own son's destination wedding. I thought it might help you understand your future inlaws' actions.

 

Our son is getting married in the next few months in a location that qualifies as a destination wedding, even though it is not in a foreign country, not on a beach, and not in a resort. To attend this wedding, we will have to drive 5 hours by car to large airport. Then it's a 6 hour flight to a location we have no interest whatsoever in seeing. ( We have been there and don't care to go back.) It's not his future wife's hometown, it's just an anonymus fancy downtown hotel in a big city. The choice our future daughter-in-law made was not driven by consideration for expense, by the way. Nor was it driven by sentimental feelings for a place she knew well and loved.

 

For us, this wedding has turned into a forced vacation in a place we don't want to go. It means two suitcases for me-- one exclusively for my evening gown and rehearsal dinner cocktail dress and shoes and handbags and evening wraps. Two suitcases for my husband....one for his evening suit and shoes, and so on. Double the chance for the airline to lose our clothes. If that happens, then what? Do we show up at the wedding in clothes we've been wearing for the past 2 days? Have to wash our underwear in the sink? Yuck.

 

Planning the rehearsal dinner has not been fun, either. Instead of a meaningful party at our house, lovingly catered by me, surrounded by family and friends, using greatgrandmothers' china and silver, we've got "an event planner". A nobody with no taste who just wants us to spend lavishly. Of course.

 

Now, I understand that this is *your big day*. However, it might be helpful for you to consider that you are in effect forcing people to go on

vacation to a place they never wanted to see. And that is a headache to get to. And that is expensive for them. And what's worse, empty of sentiment and meaning.

 

Just think of what you are asking, or demanding, of your future inlaws and adjust your tone accordingly.

[MissJen3]

Wow! In my personal opinion, no one, not a single person I have ever seen on this site, has said that they are forcing anyone to go on a vacation that they don't want to.  In reality, most people are letting people know that they COMPLETELY understand that it is the bride and grooms choice to do this style of wedding, and that not every one can make it/wants to go. In a large majority of these forums talk about how we all recognize that our choices do not comply with every ones wishes/fantasies about OUR weddings! That's just it though, it is OUR wedding and if we want to celebrate it by jumping on a plane, going some where other than our home towns, and celebrating a week long event (in most cases) then that is what we are going to do! 

The ladies (and few gents) on this site are here to help each other, to guide each other, and not to judge each other. It is your choice to attend the wedding of your son and his fiance. I am sure if he read this post and saw that you felt forced to be at his day he would tell you to make a choice that you feel comfortable with. Which is what most of us DW brides, and grooms, are doing with their guests that can/do not want to attend. 

I think that the original post was made so that she could have opinions, and voices of reason about her situation. Believe it or not, DW require planning and typical wedding processes as well, and at times, it is overwhelming, and beyond stressful. Sometimes we just want a non-judgmental ear to listen to us, and remind us why we chose a DW in the first place. 

I have been following this thread since she first posted it, and I never once thought she was being forceful, or demanding!  

I feel like I could go on about your post for a while longer, so I will just end it here. Just remember, NO ONE can force or demand you to do anything that you do not want to do. 

Edited February 23, 2015 by MissJen3

[JennyZ]

@@Gemma987 Firstly, I'd like to say, there have been zero demands.

 

That came across as very negative. You have gone a little too far comparing your own situation to mine, and in the process, your post is actually very bitter to read. I'm not exactly sure why there have been so many comparisons to your sons wedding (which sounds nothing like my own) so perhaps you might want to reread my original posts before casting your judgment on my "tone".

 

Where have you gathered in my messages, that we have a wedding location with no meaning or sentiment? That couldn’t be anywhere further than what we chose together - a place that is very important to us, with memories and many things we knew our families would all enjoy.

 

They might have to spend a bit to get there, but I worked very hard to get everyone amazing prices (even worked it out, so the deals were based out of the closest airports to each guest), then my family is then paying the ENTIRE wedding bill - so really, not such a bad deal, if you consider the total cost, right?

 

I wish my future MIL would offer to host rehearsal dinner... But, that wasn't offered to me and I am paying for everything myself. Again, a comparison that didn't really match my original posts what so ever…

 

I’m sorry you seem very disappointed and jaded with your future Daughter-in-law’s plans. It really sounds as though you needed to communicate your concerns earlier in the planning process, especially if you are flipping the bill. Much better than resenting. Luckily for you, it's just a once in a lifetime event.

 

My only suggestion to you regarding your luggage (which is such a small thing to worry about in the grand scheme of things, really?) To perhaps pack a little lighter/get everything into 1 case each (shoes in your carry on) and steaming the suit/dress if need be? Or you could even pack the dress, suit and shoes into just one extra luggage and save $$$ on needing to carry 4 pieces of luggage, as that just seems a bit excessive.

[Gemma987]

Jenny,

 

I reread your original post. While the location may hold special memories for you, and you chose it because you knew your family and friends would love it, clearly your fiance's family does not feel that way.

 

They don't want to go to Mexico. Who knows why? Maybe they are like many of the French ( from France) people we are friends with and don't like other cultures' food/language/weather/wine. Maybe they feel like weddings should be in the local church, performed by the priest or minister who has known the young people forever. Maybe they just want to stay in their own beds and get ready in their own bathrooms and drink their morning coffee from their own cups, drive their own cars to the church, and eat food they like and the reception. French food beats Mexican every time, in my book.

 

Your challenge, I think, is to persuade them to attend. The word you are looking for in French is seduiser. Looks like seduce but means to charm and persuade. I think they want to know that you understand their reluctance to travel, and Mexico is far, far from Quebec. Work up a calendar of things for them to do so they don't have to think they are going to be spending every day lying on a beach towel all gooped up with sunscreen. Let them know how they'll get from the airport to the resort. Tell them when and where dinner will be every evening. Tell them they'll find food that isn't greasy or spicy and that the desserts are fabulous. In other words, be solicitous of their comfort and well-being.

 

As to my luggage, pas possible. Evening gowns have to be packed carefully with tissue paper and so on and cannot be handed over to the hotel's maid to be ironed. It's not the cost for us-- the rehearsal dinner is more than most weddings-- it's just that we don't want to go this particular city.

 

Like your future in-laws and Mexico.