Mother And Father Of The Groom Not Attending?!?!

[JennyZ]

Needs some words of advice/encouragement please...

 

Received a call today, from my FI with some "bad news". It's one week before the deposit is due and both his Mother and Father (they are separated for well over 10+ years) have just informed him they both will not be attending?!

 

Just so you know the details. The wedding is NEXT December 2015. Cost is $1300 per person for 1 week and guests have an interest-free payment plan until July 2015 (next year)...

 

The Mother called and explained that she cannot afford to come (she is 50 years old and is an administrative assistant for a large company and also has a serious live-in boyfriend who shares all the bills with her.....) I have asked him to call her back and let her know, the Mother of the Groom is a very important role, and if need be, I/we would totally be willing to help her with payments, to ensure she can attend her sons wedding...

 

The Father called and said he wont be attending, because we're just going to have a (secret) civil service at city hall anyway, so the Wedding in Mexico doesn't matter...???

 

I have been told there have been talks of "we should have just had the wedding in Ontario" for them, because my family is in Ontario and his family lives in Quebec. We specifically chose Mexico, because we couldn't afford the $15,000 - $20,000 cost of being married in Canada, and then ask all the family to travel anyway (travel/gas, hotel stays, food, wedding gifts, etc) So we honestly thought this was the best option for all.

 

I knew I would lose a lot of guests by doing a destination wedding... But never did I think BOTH of his parents wouldn't come?!!! WOAH.

I even had to ask him, if this was their way of telling me I wasn't welcome into the family??? Our wedding plans were announced months ago, so I believe these issues should have been brought up in the beginning and not after all the deposits (venue, dress, vendors, travel) have already been made...

 

Here my parents are shelling out $10,000 for our wedding - and his side have not offered a cent - but no matter, at least attend, right???

 

I am beyond heartbroken for him, as my family is already confirmed, my friends are booking, and not one member of his side has responded. Harsh eh?

 

I just feel this is a bad first step to the rest of our lives and cannot help to think of the hard feelings there will be in future (i.e. when we have children, why would I feel the need to travel so far for them to see their grandchildren, when they didnt even care enough to even join us on our most important day?) I even told him, I am now scared of him getting cold feet, due to the lack of support his family is showing.

 

I have asked him to really have a heart to heart with both parents ASAP and ask them to reconsider/rethink the situation, but I honestly never thought this would be the response from such key family members and not sure how I should be feeling???

 

Would love to hear your thoughts ladies.

xo

[peachykeen159]

I'm very sorry to hear that! You're right, it creates a very awkward situation going forward. If they had concerns, they should have voiced it early on. Even if they did voice their concerns, at the end of the day, it's your wedding. If a wedding in Mexico is what makes sense for you guys, they should be happy for you. It isn't as if you aren't giving them time to get the money together or asking them to pay a ridiculous amount of money. Have they been to Mexico before? Do you think maybe they're afraid to go and using this as a cover to not go and maybe put pressure on you guys to change it? I found when I initially had issues with my family, it was because they were afraid of Mexico and what thy hear about the drug war but after visiting this winter, they can't wait to go back and understand the resort areas are safe. 

 

I really hope they come around because that will make family occasions uncomfortable and especially when kids come in the mix or other special occasions they expect you to travel for. 

[JennyZ]

@@peachykeen159 - Thanks for your understanding. I am trying to be the bigger person and work towards a happy ending for all, especially considering future situations might be jaded after their non-attendance... We spend hundreds of dollars every time we travel to visit them, so I'm just surprised the effort wouldnt be returned this ONE time we have asked them.

 

My FI called his Mother and made the offer to help financially (even though we are both in lower income brackets than they are. lol) and she has now offered to "use some aeroplan miles and perhaps attend for a day or two".... I'm pulling out my hair, as Im sure she'll find out soon enough, it's going to cost just as much to travel for a couple days VS. a whole week on a group package... Let alone her cab to-from the airport, etc. Just not sure why its been left so last minute.

 

It's definitely not a fear of Mexico - The Father is just plain out not respecting it's a HUGE day for his son and again, my FI has promised to have another talk with him, to express his/our feelings towards him not coming. The Father had initially commented that he would just stay at a different resort (for whatever reason???) until he found out, there's a fee for a day pass. 

 

I realize at the end of the day, its our wedding and who wants to be there, will be... However, its awfully strange when its only going to be my side, and NO ONE from his? My mind is just boggled with this. Definitely not the bump I was expecting in our plans

[calgarybride2015]

Jenny,

 

HUGS!!!

 

I know what you are going thru, or moreso my fiance does.   When we announced our wedding would be in Mexico he got A LOT of push back from his father and step mother - everything from 'why can't you get married in Ontario so I can visit my family?' to 'what if I don't want to go to Mexico?'  'what if I don't want to take a week off?', etc. 

 

It would bring Shawn to tears and I felt so horrible for him.   In the end his dad and step mother paid their deposit and are coming.  His dad seems super excited now, but his step mother still makes odd comments about the cost of the trip and such.

 

All I can offer is support.  I think it is worth having a talk with both of them.  I think if you have a heart to heart with them and offer to help out where you can (as you did), then you have done all you can do.  It's a crappy situation, it's hurtful, and it makes no sense but it's something that happens with DW's as I have learned from being on this board.   The day is about you and him -- you will have a special day no matter what.  They will look back and feel so much regret for their silly decision.   That's on THEM not on YOU!!!!

 

I also agree with another poster from the other thread - don't let this cause any tension, or drama, or issues for your future. Please don't put any more into it than needs to be there. I see your point 100% but this isn't their way of saying they don't want you in their family, etc.  It's just an unfortunate situation that seems to happy a lot with DW.   You need to try to move past this ....  both you and your fiance, and his parents as well.

 

I do hope they come around.  Please keep us posted.

[Kayla88]

@@JennyZ

Jenny, I know exactly what you awe dealing with... My fiancé's parents and brother will not be attending the wedding along with a lot of my family. We have like you offered to help pay his families way and they will have none of it. His brother refuses to come because we are being disrespectful to their parents by not having an Alberta wedding, which needed to be in their home town. This caused us a great deal of pain and like you put us in a bad spot since my family already has their deposits in.

My best advice is to have an honest talk with your fiancé. After hours of talking with mine he decided that he didn't want us changing our plans since it is our day and he is ok with not having his family there. He has his best friends attending as his best man/ groomsmen. However he will have no"guest" sitting watching the wedding. We will only have my side of the family however he says he's ok with this because he already sees them like his family,

 

Just remember it's your day and together you guys will figure it out.

Let me know if there is anything I can do

[peachykeen159]

@@JennyZ  Lol, yes his mother will definitely probably end up coming if she's contemplating paying for a couple of days. Might as well pay for the week and get the most of it. I'm sure she has vacation days she can use for this.  Destination weddings seem to bring up it's own type of family drama. I really do hope they come around though because you don't need that extra stress when planning a wedding. 

[calgarybride2015]

@@JennyZ

Jenny, I know exactly what you awe dealing with... My fiancé's parents and brother will not be attending the wedding along with a lot of my family. We have like you offered to help pay his families way and they will have none of it. His brother refuses to come because we are being disrespectful to their parents by not having an Alberta wedding, which needed to be in their home town. This caused us a great deal of pain and like you put us in a bad spot since my family already has their deposits in.

My best advice is to have an honest talk with your fiancé. After hours of talking with mine he decided that he didn't want us changing our plans since it is our day and he is ok with not having his family there. He has his best friends attending as his best man/ groomsmen. However he will have no"guest" sitting watching the wedding. We will only have my side of the family however he says he's ok with this because he already sees them like his family,

 

Just remember it's your day and together you guys will figure it out.

Let me know if there is anything I can do

I just don't understand

How you are being disrespectful to his parents by not marrying in their own town. Sigh. I'm sorry you guys are going thru this as well

Weddings seem to be about everyone else but the bride and groom so it's great that collectively we stand up for ourselves and what we want. Hugs.

 

 

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[puravida2015]

I can sympathize with you.  My FI and I had to make the decision early on that if we were going to have a DW and we really wanted our parents there we'd have to just out right pay for them to go. Yes, it's added cost for us but it makes things a little easier for because we know they have no excuse for not coming because I wasn't going to budge on my dream wedding. They're still not thrilled with the idea and of course would prefer to have it in the US.  However, we all live in 3 different states so there would be traveling involved either way. The day is about you and you FI, stay true to what matters most to the two of you and everything will work itself out.

[JennyZ]

Well ladies! I was hoping to report back with better news after he spoke with them again today....

 

7 days before deposit is due, over $5000 in non-refundable deposits from guests already made (and my one week reminder email went out today to all other guests)....

 

I received a call from my FI tonight and he is asking for us to CHANGE THE DATE FOR THEM?!?!

 

*insert crying face here*

[calgarybride2015]

Well ladies! I was hoping to report back with better news after he spoke with them again today....

 

7 days before deposit is due, over $5000 in non-refundable deposits from guests already made (and my one week reminder email went out today to all other guests)....

 

I received a call from my FI tonight and he is asking for us to CHANGE THE DATE FOR THEM?!?!

 

*insert crying face here*

 

 

WOW!!!  That's a lot of money for you and your guests to walk away from. Are you able to change the date without losing all that money?  I may sound like the bad, cheap guy here but I couldn't stomach walking away from that money unless it was a very good reason.   His parents being able to come is a good reason, but I think you get my drift - ie why is this time not good, but another time is, etc.?

 

Did he say why he wanted to change the date and to when?  I do know you had offered to pay for his mom, so I am curious.  What if you change it and that still doesn't work for them?  I had this issue, but not with my family.

 

All I can say is do what works best for you two, I hope you can come to an agreement between the two of you. And for your sake if you do change your date that you can make sure you get your money transferred to the new date and it doesn't put your booked guests out whatsoever.

 

Good luck hun!

Edited December 9, 2014 by calgarybride2015