Anyone's Elses Fi Giving Them Grief About Dw Costs

[calgarybride2015]

I'm sorry you have to go through that!

 

My FI isn't concerned about the cost (we both have enough money put away and we are paying for things as we go instead of dropping money into savings regularly like we do).  His family is also give us 5k to help.  However, I mentioned the highest budget of 18k all in and he kind of got pale!

 

To be honest, in our relationship I am the one that panics about money.  I grew up in family of spenders and we were always scrapping by.  So I'm pretty tight.  Everyone else is trying to convince me just to do the little extra - like my dress was $250 over what I was hoping to spend.... I'm super happy with it but had a hard time deciding based on costs.

 

But we're doing this as affordably as we can - I'm DIY the centrepieces/decor to save costs.  We will do gift bags for our guests but will likely go to a dollar store to get acrylic cups (or order stadium cups) and just do a waterproof sticker ourselves for it.  I won't buy my BM dresses, hair or make-up (hair and make-up for a beach wedding can be casual) but I will likely give them each a personal robe and some jewellery (maybe sandals too) for the wedding.  

 

Where I panic is our guest list - we have a large list (68 invited) and just had 7 people we didn't think would come RSVP.  I've budgeted for the full list to show up, but it doesn't mean I don't get anxious.

 

And the little costs drive me crazy - I forget about buying rings, paying for our license etc.  

 

I think you FI likely missed the big picture moving along - you discussed the costs and agreed, but it seems like he didn't keep a running tally in his head - everything separate sounds 'reasonable'.  Its only after its all added up that it gets ridiculous.

 

It does seem a bit late to start taking stuff off - I am guessing most of your 'splurge' items are already ordered, and that your BMs know that you are paying for them to do hair make-up!  Unless he wants to downgrade your room at the resort for 2 weeks, or cancel the second week, or just stay 10 days, it looks like a tough fix

 

 

It sounds like you are still within an affordable budget with what you each are putting in.  I would take extra care to spend no more and every money discussion you remind him of the running tally.  

 

And this too will pass!!! What is done is done and you will weather it together - that's the whole point of marriage! Not always pleasant, but you'll get it figured.

 

Hugs!

 

I agree that sometimes your upbringing has a lot to do with it.

I was a single mom for years and I learned how to pinch and save so we could have all that we do, plus have the luxeries of travel and the like.   My fiance has never been married and isn't a parent so it was hard for him to give up his cheques to save for our wedding, etc.  It was a major adjustment for him and I think that is where his stress comes from when he feels 'broke'.  I think my stress comes from looking at the numbers, thinking of the budget, not wanting to 'charge' anything, and the like because I have lived tight and worked myself out of debt and swore I'd never do it again.

 

It's a tough balance but one newlyweds have to adjust too, work together at, and come up with some solutions/tactics/ideas to get thru it and move forward in their partnership.  We are all about to become one and these are things we will deal with a  lot.  Doesn't make it any easier, this I know, but I guess it's our first lesson in marriage

Hugs to everyone!

[Mrsktobe]

Kat, you hit the nail on the head - that is what it has been. I have discussed everything with him and we have talked about it but now he is freaking out - most definitely like you said, probably because he didn't keep a running tally.

 

It's not like we are having some grand, crazy event. We had to get lighting, a DJ, food & alcohol, outfits for our attendants, flowers etc. I only really splurged on the hair and makeup and even then, that cost got out of hand because then his mom wanted her makeup and hair done and blah blah and I ended up paying for EVERYONE'S.

 

I have been really trying to cut costs and penny pinch where I can. We cut things like a Mariachi band and late night snack (ordering pizza instead!) and cut things like flowers and other décor. Honestly, like I have told him before, yes we went over budget but now when I look at what we were going to pay at the Bahia to what we are going to pay at our off site venue, 3500 more dollars for 5 extra hours? Not bad.

 

We both have been paying cash for all of the wedding things - which I think is why he is fretting. He grew up with parents who argued about money, so he hoards it and protects it. So when I came home with what *I* had left to pay (4000) he got all stressed and then went into all this wedding grief. It really hurts and pisses me off (and I told him this yesterday) that he gets upset and angry about it when I have been paying half my way through the wedding stuff when I make half what he makes.

 

But I am going to discuss with him tonight. Wish me luck

[KAT2015]

Kat, you hit the nail on the head - that is what it has been. I have discussed everything with him and we have talked about it but now he is freaking out - most definitely like you said, probably because he didn't keep a running tally.

 

It's not like we are having some grand, crazy event. We had to get lighting, a DJ, food & alcohol, outfits for our attendants, flowers etc. I only really splurged on the hair and makeup and even then, that cost got out of hand because then his mom wanted her makeup and hair done and blah blah and I ended up paying for EVERYONE'S.

 

I have been really trying to cut costs and penny pinch where I can. We cut things like a Mariachi band and late night snack (ordering pizza instead!) and cut things like flowers and other décor. Honestly, like I have told him before, yes we went over budget but now when I look at what we were going to pay at the Bahia to what we are going to pay at our off site venue, 3500 more dollars for 5 extra hours? Not bad.

 

We both have been paying cash for all of the wedding things - which I think is why he is fretting. He grew up with parents who argued about money, so he hoards it and protects it. So when I came home with what *I* had left to pay (4000) he got all stressed and then went into all this wedding grief. It really hurts and pisses me off (and I told him this yesterday) that he gets upset and angry about it when I have been paying half my way through the wedding stuff when I make half what he makes.

 

But I am going to discuss with him tonight. Wish me luck

 

I am sure you will get through it.

 

Its a hard thing to talk about - it might help if you try to get to the root of what is bothering him. I have an FI that tends to not absorb a lot of what I say in the heat of a moment or conversation - quite often I have to go back and say things again or explain it to him.  As much as I want to just throw down and lose my own sh*t (because lets be honest, we all need those moments), I know it doesn't help so I have to be the calm one.

 

I think its great you two are able to do cash for all of it! That's our goal as well. We just won't be dropping our regular amounts each month into savings, but we will do our best to keep it in tact.  We are also going to be putting our accounts together sooner than later - we live together and now with the wedding we don't want to keep track of 'I owe this, you paid that'.  It'll all be in one place.

 

Whether you want to cut something or not - put EVERYTHING down on paper before you talk to him - show him numbers and categories - what is done and paid for and what isn't.  Give him the opportunity to ask questions.  Highlight the things that COULD still be altered, no matter how silly (whether its shortening your trip, downgrading your room, not ordering pizza etc. etc.).  It doesn't mean they are coming off, but it gives him a chance to look at it and 'problem solve' with you.  And to visually see how that will or will not affect the numbers.

 

Good luck!!! You'll be fine

[Mrsktobe]

Thank you ladies. It's nice to have an outlet on here when I can vent and have other woman support & offer advice.  It really means a lot. I'm going to take your advice and sit down with him over what costs went where so he can see and then go from there. Hopefully it goes well.

[acw271011]

The other thing to remember here ladies.... we're dealing with men. And men will never understand the frivolity of a wedding. That's why to them it is "your" wedding. They have a difficult time seeing it as something they really want, and to be spending that kind of money... well. The male brain just doesn't compute that kind of stuff. Sure they may say oh I'd like this.... (whatever it is) but not totally understand what getting "this" actually means. My hubby went nuts over costs as well - I think they all do but for us it was because we had both had "the wedding" the first time around, and he didn't want all the fuss a second time. We were only the 2 of us finally, and in the end I think ours cost tops $5,000 so we really did do ours on the cheap. Even if we had done it with our group of 16, it would only have added about 5,000 more at the high end, and I doubt it would have been that much. We weren't looking at bridal parties and all the other stuff so the budget was very low. But then we did turn around and spend $3,000 on our AHR so we still came in well under $10,000 for everything.

 

I will give you all some "old lady" advice.... remember that you will hopefully be spending a lot of years with this man. Yes you are both individuals..... but you want to be a couple for as long as possible. Sometimes compromise is the only thing that will get you through. I know all about the little girl's dream for her wedding but being respectful of your hubby to be's feelings about it all will go a long way down the road. Try to stress where you're saving money, not where you've spent it. Help him feel that you really are trying to cut costs and stay on budget. Sometimes no matter what you do you can't win and he's just going to resent how much money was spent, but remember that's a man thing and it's just one of the things we live with for the man we love!

 

Good luck!

[TinkerSofi]

also keep in mind that you budgeted the wedding at the hotel to be around 16000. However, there are always hidden costs or things they offer that you want to add, so you would have probably spent more than the 16000