Anyone's Elses Fi Giving Them Grief About Dw Costs

[Mrsktobe]

I spoke with my mom this morning and she says it's normal but I am feeling like the biggest piece of crap right now. We got into a "discussion" about the wedding costs yesterday. He is upset that it's cost this much and says he would of been happier just going to a justice of the peace and that this is "MY" wedding not his.

 

We were going to get married at the Bahia Principe but as we didn't like the limitations they had for hours and what not, we went off the resort. Of course we went over budget, everyone does unless you are penny pitching. and now he is upset that it's cost us 21000 for the wedding (including our trip down there for 2 weeks in there)

 

I budgeted what it would of cost for the Bahia and it would of cost us $17,335.00 when all was said and done for everything we wanted to do. (sit down dinner he wanted, there was no budging on that, hair and makeup.. groomsmen outfits here at home, favors included in that etc). So honestly, only 3000 cheaper for less time (ceremony & 6-11:00 reception, whereas off site we have the place from 4 pm till 2:00 am.. 5 hours versus 10 hours)

 

Everything we have done for the wedding (bubba kegs for guests, décor) we have discussed.

 

I just don't get it. He has all the opportunity to bring up how he feels regarding this and now he is making me feel like the biggest piece in the world. AND it's not like he is paying for it all. when all is said and done, he will have put 11,000 into it and I would of put 10,000.

 

Anyone having issues or arguments with their spouse? I feel like I am alone on this.

[TinkerSofi]

I'm sorry that you're dealing with that. I think it is kind of unfair for him to put it all on you because at the end of the day you weren't the only one who made the decisions. Mi fiance also says that this is my wedding because if it was up to him he would be ok with not getting married, but that he knows it's important for me. 

 

I think the key is to always talk about things and just let him know how that comment made you feel. I find that sometimes people get scared and they lash out against the other person, saying pretty hurtful things, without actually realizing how hurtful they were. Maybe go over the costs again and see if there is anything you guys can cut down on to get closer to your budget. Sometimes you have to get rid of something that you really like but when you think about it you realize that you can do without. Maybe he agreed to certain things because it was easier than arguing about them and now that all the costs are going up he feels overwhelmed and wants to do something about it. It is true that most weddings will go a bit over budget but I also don't think you should spend your life savings to have absolutely everything you want. 

 

You're definitely not alone! We've had our arguments too about the wedding and I am sure they will not be the last. It's just a stressful situation to be in but that's why it's important to always talk things over and try to compromise as much as you can.   

Edited August 28, 2014 by TinkerSofi

[kmk2016]

Is there a way that you both can sit down now that money stress has presented itself and go line by line on costs so that you can understand each other's reasoning for those choices and the costs associated with it? Maybe there will even by a few small things that can be cut without losing the feel for the wedding day you want to create? By going through it calmly with your FI and honestly sharing where the money was spent and seeing where you can potentially save a dollar or two, maybe your FI will feel better about the expense and the choices that were made? It's often that the man doesn't get as involved in the planning process and thus doesn't understand the costs and the details associated with the big day. But by you showing him you are willing to work with him to have him see the vision and try and reduce costs in small ways will maybe help him feel better. It's a lot of money.... We all know that cause as brides to be we sleep eat and live wedding planning.. But for the groom they often have no idea what it costs to create such a magical day.

 

I'm sure after a good talk and opening the planning binder and showing where money was spent you will be better. Just be willing to hear his concerns and not take them as a personal stab against your vision!

 

 

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[NJBride2014]

I think he is just stressed out and guys just see the big numbers and don't really know where it all goes since most of the time the bride is doing all the planning.  Every time I bring up numbers, deposits and balances that we still owe my fiance has a little freak out but I talk him down and we move forward.  Just the other day he made a comment like I can't believe that the wedding is costing us this much blah blah I thought doing a DW was supposed to be cheaper it kind of upset me.  Then I reminded him the a lot of the add ons that is blowing our budget was one his idea that he really wanted to do them and two we are getting so much more for the money we are spending.  I'm estimating about $25,000 for the whole wedding and I mean everything wedding related, stationery, dresses, accessories, 2 week stay at the #1 resort in Cancun, all vendors, rings/jewelry, welcome bags, gifts for wedding party, outfits for wedding party, and we paid for our parents stay.  We were very generous with our bridal party and parents and that added about $4,000 to our budget and again that was my fiance saying oh we should pay for them. lol If we would have had the wedding in NJ where we are from it would have easily been around $25,000 just for the venue alone.  I think the experience in the end will be well worth it and he will forget how much it all really ended up being.  I also did a lot of DIY to cut costs and didn't do some things we originally wanted to do to save some money.  It'll be ok we all go through it its hard to see all this money being spent in such a short period of time.  Just have a talk with him and assure him it will all be ok and once you are on the beach having a drink and spending time with your family and friends it will all be worth it. 

[Mrsktobe]

Thanks ladies. Reading these responses is making me feel better.

I have been keeping him informed the whole time about what everything has been costing. And we have made decisions together about what to do (lighting, DJ) I have been doing a lot of stuff on the cheap for décor or making stuff myself too. What really added to our budget honestly was the hair and makeup that I ended up paying for all the girls (drama with bridesmaids and his mom) and what he paid for his groomsmen outfits. Once again, made these decisions together.

 

I ended up totaling everything he has paid for versus what I paid and added it up and then I totaled what it would of cost at the Bahia and added that up so he could see. We will see how this goes tonight.

 

As far as going through elimating stuff, we are already so close and have paid the deposits and what not. I'm just upset because I have been keeping him in the loop with costs the entire time and asking him what he thinks and what not and then he pulls this crap. It's hurtful. especially when he calls it MY wedding.

 

Ughh..

[kmk2016]

I wouldn't go into it saying this is what IM paying and this is what YOUR paying but rather just go through the line items and discuss. I wouldn't even even bring up Bahai unless there is an option to go back to that (or he is mad that you don't want to).,,. Focus on what has been spent, where you can cut some items and what you both want. I'm sure you can tweak even close to your wedding date. Sometimes seeing it all together I a bit daunting vs talking about it here and there... He may not have realized what everything was truly costing.

 

 

 

 

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[NJBride2014]

Guys just don't understand the amount of planning, negotiating and research actually goes into all the wedding stuff.  All he is seeing is numbers, let him know that this is work for you and you have been doing everything to make it within budget and perfect for the BOTH of you. Let him know that its hurtful when he says MY wedding when talking about it like its only for you.  I've had discussions about the planning process and even told my fiance once that he can start emailing everyone instead of me if he thinks its that easy. lol I have about a 1,000 emails saved going back and forth with about 30 different people, its definitely not an easy process.  I think they think the wedding just happens and voila done, nope you have to plan it. It's a good thing we all have BDW to vent. lol

Edited August 28, 2014 by NJBride2014

[candle23]

I can totally understand where you are coming from!

 

We have had many conversations about how much the wedding will cost. In the end, that seems to be the only part that he cares about! I have been questioned many times about why are we spending so much, the. I bring him back to reality about having 75 people at a destination wedding!! And how much it would cost us to throw a wedding here! Then he is quiet! Lol

 

Mostly he wants to know the exact total of what it will be....his goal is to have it completely paid off before we leave. Then his stress level will go down!

[calgarybride2015]

Hugs

 

Everyone said it well.

 

Money is a major stressor without a wedding involved, so don't feel alone.

I am sorry you feel hurt and I believe you should address that.  It isn't just your wedding, although I realize men let women take the lead.  I think it's fair to say you are hurt, show him the numbers, and maybe go thru them together and see where you can cut costs if you can.  Sometimes it takes really looking at the numbers to realize, 'wow weddings do cost this much money!'.

 

My fiance is also stressed because he wants to have it paid before we leave too, but he is also a lot more easy going than I. I am the penny pincher and he is the one saying 'Kim you can't skimp on $15, it's only $15!'    For him it's more he feels broke right now.  I laugh and tell him it isn't that bad, because we are saving for our wedding and we only have 3 months left with how we planned out our budget.  We aren't broke we just aren't throwing money around (which is a good lesson for us anyways!)

 

We have our moments, but this is a good lesson and situation that you will go thru again in your marriage, so it's worth a sit down.

 

Good luck!

[KAT2015]

I'm sorry you have to go through that!

 

My FI isn't concerned about the cost (we both have enough money put away and we are paying for things as we go instead of dropping money into savings regularly like we do).  His family is also give us 5k to help.  However, I mentioned the highest budget of 18k all in and he kind of got pale!

 

To be honest, in our relationship I am the one that panics about money.  I grew up in family of spenders and we were always scrapping by.  So I'm pretty tight.  Everyone else is trying to convince me just to do the little extra - like my dress was $250 over what I was hoping to spend.... I'm super happy with it but had a hard time deciding based on costs.

 

But we're doing this as affordably as we can - I'm DIY the centrepieces/decor to save costs.  We will do gift bags for our guests but will likely go to a dollar store to get acrylic cups (or order stadium cups) and just do a waterproof sticker ourselves for it.  I won't buy my BM dresses, hair or make-up (hair and make-up for a beach wedding can be casual) but I will likely give them each a personal robe and some jewellery (maybe sandals too) for the wedding.  

 

Where I panic is our guest list - we have a large list (68 invited) and just had 7 people we didn't think would come RSVP.  I've budgeted for the full list to show up, but it doesn't mean I don't get anxious.

 

And the little costs drive me crazy - I forget about buying rings, paying for our license etc.  

 

I think you FI likely missed the big picture moving along - you discussed the costs and agreed, but it seems like he didn't keep a running tally in his head - everything separate sounds 'reasonable'.  Its only after its all added up that it gets ridiculous.

 

It does seem a bit late to start taking stuff off - I am guessing most of your 'splurge' items are already ordered, and that your BMs know that you are paying for them to do hair make-up!  Unless he wants to downgrade your room at the resort for 2 weeks, or cancel the second week, or just stay 10 days, it looks like a tough fix

 

 

It sounds like you are still within an affordable budget with what you each are putting in.  I would take extra care to spend no more and every money discussion you remind him of the running tally.  

 

And this too will pass!!! What is done is done and you will weather it together - that's the whole point of marriage! Not always pleasant, but you'll get it figured.

 

Hugs!