Bm Drama - Sister Issues.... What To Do?

[KAT2015]

Ok, so we only got engaged a month ago, and already, big drama.  I guess that is what happens with weddings.

 

So, a bit of background - I have a small family and one sister.  We've had some family troubles in the past - my father leaving us with no money, getting kicked out of houses etc. etc.  And we've gone through these things as a family, but not really 'together'.  What I mean is my sister and I are close as sisters but not what I would consider great friends.  

 

As much as I love my sister, we are very different.  She is a bit self-centred and really enjoys positive attention on her.  For example, she expects constant accolades for losing a lot of weight (which was years ago), turns conversations and topics towards herself and her issues, and will not really allow you to be happy if she isn't - but if she is happy and you are having a hard time in life, you still have to be happy for her (think new guy for me, break up for her and vice versa).

 

She was also a BM/MOH at her friends wedding 2 years ago.  I watched her complain about her friends decisions (like changing from a yellow dress to a blue dress because the other BMs liked it more - keeping in mind my sister's favourite colour to wear is yellow).  She complained that her friend also had a matron of honour (who was horrible in my sisters opinion) and when she got back from the wedding had to tell everyone how much more the other BMs and the families liked her, and her speech, than the matron of honour's(which actually coincidentally echoes what happened to me as a BM at an old friends wedding with a speech).

 

Anyhow - so I get engaged and she chooses that moment to tell me her and her BF are likely breaking up.  But, aside from that, she's actually been pretty good about it all and happy - which I partially suspected was because she wanted to be a BM.

 

Here is my major issue - my sister loves attention.  And I don't typically want to be the centre of attention (even on my wedding day, it isn't all about me!) But while I don't want everyone fawning over me, I also don't want to have someone beside me that is basking in the glow of attention and has a 'look at me' attitude.  I'm scared of the stress and drama of having her beside me all day.

 

So here is what I have done so far - I had only her and my mum come dress shopping with me to make it special (and my sister actually wound up identifying the dress I bought).  I've asked her to be with me during the getting ready phase on my wedding day, but to head down to the beach half an hour before the wedding to make sure the set up was done correctly and to run the music - because honestly, I know she knows what I like and she would make sure it was done properly.  I've told her all this means more to me than a dress and a 10 min stand beside me - and it does.  I have even asked her to sign our official wedding certificate here in Canada before we go.  She is my sister, and I love her - and as a sister she already has a special place at the wedding and in the rest of my life.  

 

I have never thought of BMs as entitled positions.  And my sister would always have been involved in the wedding as family (so still doing pictures, getting prime seating and identified in speeches).  And we are doing small wedding parties - so for me to put her up there is to take away someone else I would like to acknowledge as being important to me.  I have one friend that I won't put in the wedding party, because her and her husband are our TAs.  I will acknowledge everyone separately and with gifts (if appropriate).

 

But through ALL of this, my sister still continues to tell me she is 'hurt', even while admitting she knew I wouldn't ask her (again, I've never been the type to involve family that way because my family is involved in so much else).  

 

So what do I do?  Just give her the spot to make her happy, even though that isn't what I want? I just hate having to feel bad about my decisions!

[calgarybride2015]

Hugs!

 

I think you need to do what makes you happy, not your sister!  I wouldn't want to look back and have regrets. 

This is your day and you have already given her duties that are super important.  Follow your heart on this one.

 

I had myself in a similar situation (don't we all, it seems!)   I had picked my bridal party of 3 (by default because fiance got all excited and asked 3 men!)  Well after all my best friend drama went down I had 1 spot, but 2 sisters - I initially hadn't planned to ask them.  One had confirmed to come to the wedding, one was very unsure.   I also was a bit nervous to have this second sister in my bridal party for numerous reasons (too much to type!)     Basically what I did was confront her and be very honest (even though I felt like a piece of crap!!)  I told her that I had 3 friends, 1 isn't coming and wasn't sure if I should ask one sister or none or to make my bridal party bigger - I decided to extend the offer out to increase my bridal party size to 4, but I needed her to think about it because I needed to know 100% she was in fact coming, could afford the dress, etc. because I would feel horrible for fiance to ask a 4th man and then realize we shouldn't have as our numbers would be off and didn't want to 'take it back' so to speak.   I know it's harsh but if you know my sister and the drama that surrounds her life it was a MUST to have this conversation. 

 

She got back to me and said she would prefer to be involved but not in the bridal party.  I am not surprised as she is shy, but I felt horrible for days. I asked her again to reconsider, blah blah and in the end she isn't a BM but she is coming as my aunt was able to jump in and help her afford to come!

 

We probably both shed a tear, but we moved on from it.

I think you should follow your heart and do what you want and move forward.   

Good luck

Edited August 26, 2014 by calgarybride2015

[acw271011]

I'm on the side of do what works for you. I have a sister as well and same deal - we're great as sisters but not great friends. I love her. She's my sister, but her life and mine are just miles apart. I debated asking her to be a BM but she and her husband were splitting up at the time so I didn't want to add any more pressure, and she was actually willing to go to Jamaica on her own. In the end, nobody went but she was at our AHR and it all worked out.

 

There is always a way to make people feel needed even if it isn't in the "role" maybe that they think they should be in, and absolutely if your sister is an attention hog, it's probably not a good idea to have her up front with you. It sounds like you've found the perfect solution in giving her the tasks that you have, so I wouldn't worry any further. If necessary, you can just keep reassuring her that what she is doing for you is important to you and matters much more. No guilt needed!!!!!

[tygrrlily]

I think you should just ask people you want to be standing next to you.  If that doesn't include your sister, so be it.  I can see she'd be upset, but ultimately it is your wedding, and you shouldn't bow down to please others! Esp if she's the dramatic type

 

I have 2 sisters and I didn't ask either of them to be in my bridal party. We are close, but our family isn't lovey dovey at all.  I know their personality types and I knew they would not be very good as bridesmaids. There would be a ton of complaining and drama that I just don't want to deal with. Luckily my sister's weren't offended at all. I do plan on having them being involved the day of, doing readings during the ceremony or as MC during the reception.  But I didn't want to have them be part of the actual wedding party and planning things like the Bach or Shower

 

Kind of ironically though, my MOH is now no longer coming (pregnant) so I just have 1 bridal party member for the day of.  A lot of people have been bugging me to "even the numbers out" (he will have 2) and the easiest choice is my unmarried sister, but I don't want to have someone up there just for the sake of it, you know.  But we'll see.  If I do end up asking her, it'd be much closer to the date and it would just be for the day.  My other choice I'm leaning toward is my FI's groomsmen's wife who has become a one of my closest friends.  I was actually going to originally ask her anyway, but they will have a 3 month old baby they're bringing and I knew she'd be busy taking care of him!  So I'm unsure about that and considering maybe just leaving it at 1.  It's not a big deal to me, but other people seem horrified at not having it even haha

 

Good luck!! Try to do what makes you happy! One thing I have really found during the whole DW process is that you are not going to make everyone happy

Edited August 26, 2014 by tygrrlily

[calgarybride2015]

I think you should just ask people you want to be standing next to you.  If that doesn't include your sister, so be it.  I can see she'd be upset, but ultimately it is your wedding, and you shouldn't bow down to please others! Esp if she's the dramatic type

 

I have 2 sisters and I didn't ask either of them to be in my bridal party. We are close, but our family isn't lovey dovey at all.  I know their personality types and I knew they would not be very good as bridesmaids. There would be a ton of complaining and drama that I just don't want to deal with. Luckily my sister's weren't offended at all. I do plan on having them being involved the day of, doing readings during the ceremony or as MC during the reception.  But I didn't want to have them be part of the actual wedding party and planning things like the Bach or Shower

 

Kind of ironically though, my MOH is now no longer coming (pregnant) so I just have 1 bridal party member for the day of.  A lot of people have been bugging me to "even the numbers out" (he will have 2) and the easiest choice is my unmarried sister, but I don't want to have someone up there just for the sake of it, you know.  But we'll see.  If I do end up asking her, it'd be much closer to the date and it would just be for the day.  My other choice I'm leaning toward is my FI's groomsmen's wife who has become a one of my closest friends.  I was actually going to originally ask her anyway, but they will have a 3 month old baby they're bringing and I knew she'd be busy taking care of him!  So I'm unsure about that and considering maybe just leaving it at 1.  It's not a big deal to me, but other people seem horrified at not having it even haha

 

Good luck!! Try to do what makes you happy! One thing I have really found during the whole DW process is that you are not going to make everyone happy

 

Don't count her out over a new baby! There will be lots of people there who would be more than happy to hold him during the busy parts!!  If you really wanted to, ask her, and see what she says. You may be surprised!

[TinkerSofi]

My side of things is very different in many regards. I don't have a sister, only a brother that I'm so close to that we always say we should have been twins haha. He's part of my bridal party (my man of honor) and I wouldn't have it any other way. The way I see it, most friends will come and go, it's hard to find friends that you can remain friends through thick and thin, through life and lifestyle changes, even if you move a continent away. I've been there before. However your family is always there whether you get along all the time or not.

I guess there's a lot of other background things going on that might affect your decision but I would be offended too if my sister isn't even putting me as part of the bridal party. I wouldn't ask to be the maid of honor, but if you're giving out titles to people, in my opinion, family comes first and I would be offended that I didn't make the cut for any of that. You guys can call me a drama queen, but I would feel really left out. Maybe my relationship with my family is very different and that's why I think so differently, but just my two cents

 

 

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@@tygrrlily our numbers don't match, but I don't really care. There's 3 people on my side and 2 on my fiance's. There's also 4 girls and 1 guy. Basically they don't match on anything hahah.

[calgarybride2015]

I personally feel it is the bride's choice to use her siblings or not.  You shouldn't feel obligated to ask them if you don't want too - but for many reasons.  If you have a very distant relationship with your sister and you only talk maybe 1-2x a year via text (my sister) why should you have to ask her? especially if you have a lot of friends who mean the world to you and are there for you day in and day out?  I think it is really situational and one the bride gets to decide on, it shouldn't happen by default. 

 

We used to be super close. Like talk on the phone everyday (we live 12 hours apart). But she changed so much she isn't even recognizable some days anymore. It's a strain even to get her to text every few months and when I do come home I am lucky to see her for 1 hour.  I did give her an option but she declined. I know how it went down could be considered drama, but I can't take that back!  And for me, like I said above, it was necessary for the situation she has herself in.  Thankfully she can be there because my aunt offered to pay for her, but when I was choosing a BP I didn't even have confirmation she would put the deposit down.

Edited August 27, 2014 by calgarybride2015

[KAT2015]

 The way I see it, most friends will come and go, it's hard to find friends that you can remain friends through thick and thin, through life and lifestyle changes, even if you move a continent away. I've been there before. However your family is always there whether you get along all the time or not.

I guess there's a lot of other background things going on that might affect your decision but I would be offended too if my sister isn't even putting me as part of the bridal party. I wouldn't ask to be the maid of honor, but if you're giving out titles to people, in my opinion, family comes first and I would be offended that I didn't make the cut for any of that. 

 

 

 

I think that is absolutely fair - and I honestly think it comes down to how you personally feel about that role.

 

For me, I am more than aware that friends come and go.  But at the end of the day, its my memories and pictures that last and I can't see any part of my day being worse or incomplete without my sister (and as I said, I want her there right up until after I put my dress on).

 

I don't think of my BMs as friends for life - I have been in a bridal party before for a friend I thought would be my MOH one day and now I'm not even inviting her to the wedding.  I just want girls around me that make me happy in that moment, that we can have a laugh and that are supportive.  And if 20 years from now all that turns out to be is a fond memory, then I'm ok with that.

 

At the end of the day my sister has a much bigger role in all this than a BM.  And the photos, the programs and everything else will reflect that.  So in 20 years, I'll remember having my sister there, how much she helped and how much it meant to me.  She'll be in pictures, she'll be mentioned in speeches (I might even have her do one), she'll be at the party, she'll be in the front row for the ceremony.... 

 

I guess, for me, a BM role isn't a big deal.  But what it does invite is having a sister that is a bit attention grabbing, to be standing beside me all day - being in every picture (because that is what she would want), complaining, telling me what I should and shouldn't do.  And while I love her, the idea of that happening stresses me out so I have to make the decision the other way.

 

And for her, she thinks of a BM the same as you - regardless of how close we may be or how many fights we get into she wants me up there.  And that is her decision, ideas and beliefs.  But those beliefs are not mine and should not impact my decision at the end of the day - she can follow her ideas when she gets married!  It sounds harsh, but this is not a day to please anyone but me and my FI (who has even said he doesn't really want her in our wedding party because of the drama she can bring to a day).  

 

So you're not a drama queen - you just have a different idea of what that place is for!

[TinkerSofi]

@@KAT2015 that's true, at the end of the day it is your day and every situation/relationship is different so you have to make the decisions about what makes you happy. I do believe that you will always regret decisions that you took to please others. In a way I'm glad I don't have sisters. I think there's more drama involved than having a brother haha. My brother just said that because he only has one sister he wants to be as involved as possible . 

 

I do see your point of your sister trying to grab all the attention and I think that would be a reason for me to reconsider. My brother used to do that when we were younger and I hated it so much. 

[KAT2015]

@@KAT2015 that's true, at the end of the day it is your day and every situation/relationship is different so you have to make the decisions about what makes you happy. I do believe that you will always regret decisions that you took to please others. In a way I'm glad I don't have sisters. I think there's more drama involved than having a brother haha. My brother just said that because he only has one sister he wants to be as involved as possible . 

 

I do see your point of your sister trying to grab all the attention and I think that would be a reason for me to reconsider. My brother used to do that when we were younger and I hated it so much. 

 

Its great that you and your brother are so close! I have a brother as well and he will not really be involved in the big day (mostly his choice - I offered him a few options).  However, he did do our engagement photos for us.

 

And yes, sisters do tend to cause more drama than brothers - but then again, I keep in mind that all us brides are ususally sisters to someone