Paying For Off Site Guests

[Mangosong]

So while talking and planning (and deciding on a location) with a couple of my very good friends, one of my best friends mentioned that one of the islands I was looking at had great deals on different resorts and hotels and that it would be awesome because there would be so many options.

 

I was kind of annoyed. First off, I kind of thought that defeated the purpose of a DW? And second, why would you purposely book a different resort when ALL of your friends are going to be staying at a specific one?

 

I mentioned that all to her, and also that most resorts seem to charge you to visit if you aren't staying there - even for a wedding. Not to mention you would have to pay for a cab. So all the money would be end up paying to come to the wedding.

 

Anyway, my etiquette question - my other BFF said that if the resort charges guests who stay off site to visit the resort I am responsible for paying for the guest the day of the wedding.

 

I could understand this for a regular wedding, but I feel it's a little different for a DW.

[kmk2016]

Absolutely not. If a guest chooses to stay somewhere else than where we book for our wedding, they are responsible for paying for their own day passes to attend. No way I would pay after negotiating a group rate at my chosen resort and have it not used. My only exception would be if my resort was oversold and a guest couldn't get a room at no fault of their own, or I knew someone very close had financial hardship that makes it impossible for them to stay at your resort, but they still made the effort to attend at a less expensive place. Both of these instances would be dealt with discreetly and I certainly wouldn't publicize that this is even an option!

 

In fact- I made a note on my website that stated that a day passes would be an additional cost to any guests not staying on property.

[acw271011]

No way!! You book someplace else, you pay your own way! And like @@kmk2016 said, after negotiating a group rate they decide to go someplace else, then nah nah not a chance. Pay up. My only exception would be if for some reason I chose an adults only resort and there was someone coming with children that had to stay at another resort. Then I might pay for their sitter or something and help with the day pass. Otherwise, that's just rude in my mind. I agree with you - I'd be annoyed too!!

[carmor2]

The town we are getting married in is a place where a few of my family members own property. We will be getting a group rate to the resort in town and those who want to rent a house/condo in town can do so. This idea didn't bother me because our wedding isn't at the resort and even if it was who am I to say you can't stay at a place you own!

 

THEN some of my other relatives started talking about getting rooms at a resort in PV which is about thirty minutes away from the town the rest of the people are staying and the wedding is taking place. This really got me upset because the people talking about it had a DW in their own family a couple of years ago and know that there are perks to the wedding couple/discounts the more people that book together. I told my mom (because I know that she won't repeat it) that if they want to do that they don't need to come to our wedding at all.

 

I know it's totally an over reaction but it honestly hurt my feelings. I totally think a DW should be treated as everyone's individual holiday, but part of it is spending time together and I don't see this happening with them being so far away.

 

Maybe I'm crazy!

[Mangosong]

@@acw271011 I'm glad you mentioned kids! That is something else we may come across. I would prefer an adults only resort and a child free wedding. Especially since I know I will have friends/family who will try and bring the kids no matter what. So i was wondering if I was responsible for babysitting as well at a separate resort.

@@carmor2 I don't think you are being crazy! I was kind of offended myself when my BFF even brought up staying elsewhere! For her wedding, the hotel was pricey, like $300/night and we had to stay for two nights (because I was in the wedding). There were other, less expensive place around I could have stayed at, but I didn't. So the fact that it would even cross her mind was upsetting.

 

Not to mention, when we go on vacation together, we stay together because we are on vacation as a group!

 

Anyway, sorry your family is being annoying! I agree with what you told your mother though, if they don't want to stay, then why come?

[kmk2016]

Hmmmm most resorts that offer babysitting will not allow parents to leave the resort while their child is being supervised so this may not be an option. If you are inviting friends/family that have children and you make it clear that your wedding is being held at an adult only resort and no children are welcome at your wedding events, be prepared for some of those guests to not travel for your DW. This would require them to likely leave their children at home while they travel out of country for the wedding, or travel with a nanny or caretaker who will provide child care while they are at your wedding festivities. Both make it more expensive or uncomfortable for parents when looking at attending your DW. It's your day and your FI and yourself need to decide for yourselves how you picture your day (with or without kids), but know that if your events or resort are not child friendly this will likely deter many guests with children from attending. Be very clear in your invitations on your wishes regarding kids- so there are no misunderstandings and guests can make an educated decision for themselves.

[calgarybride2015]

That is frustrating especially if she is in your wedding party!

 

I put it on our website that there was a cost to attend our wedding if they chose to stay elsewhere. Also transport fees. It never crossed my mind that I would pay and I stand by that. I do agree though that there are special circumstances.

 

Thankfully everyone is staying at our resort. They wouldn't want it any other way.

 

With respect to adults only resorts and no kids. For me I see it as one or the other. Not sure you can get the best of both worlds here. Even if people came with their kids and stayed elsewhere I am not sure I would leave my kids on one resort and go to another (and doubt they'd allow it) also I think it would take away from the excitement for them. They probably want to be with everyone else too. So I'd probably pick one or the other and clearly define it. Just be prepared that some may not come who have kids -- but it's your wedding and your choice Good luck!!!

 

 

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Edited August 15, 2014 by calgarybride2015

[MrsCtoB]

Totally understand the frustration. Short of a few of the circumstances listed above, I really don't see a point in staying elsewhere during a DW. I think a big bonus to a DW is the fun of being together and relaxing, not to mention the other wedding events. If you were to have a welcome get together, rehearsal, and then ceremony/reception that means 3 separate events that this guest would probably want to be involved in and you would be footing the day passes for? Some resorts charge separately for the actual day pass to the resort and then an additional fee to attend the wedding and partake in the toasts, food, and cake! Doesn't seem fair to me.

Edited August 16, 2014 by TiffanyMC

[Tiffany1221]

I use to think the same way, until this forum. Makes complete sense, if you choose to pay thats fine too. But don't feel obligated.

[Mangosong]

@@Tiffany1221 My (other) BFF, who was also kind of annoyed at what the first one said, mentioned she thought/felt that i/we should pay for off site guests to attend - which is why I posed the question in the first place. But I agree with you, before this website (and a couple of others) I assumed the proper etiquette would be to pay, but it seems with DW the rules of etiquette change a lot, especially with a/inc. resorts.

 

@@kmk2016 I did not realize that most resorts will not allow you to leave children in the care of a baby sitter while they go off site! Totally understandable though, because what if something happens.

 

@@calgarybride2015 @ I know that having it at an adults only resort/having an adults only wedding will make it for difficult for people to attend. When doing my guest list, I did not count those people in the numbers of people being able to make it. However, I do think it will eliminate (to a degree) some of the drama I know will come up.

 

Of the friends with kids, there are at least two-three couples who, even if we had our weddding in the states and it was an "adults only wedding' would STILL try and bring their kids. And of those two-three couples, only one has well behaved kids. And, at least one of them, has in the past done everything she can to try and bring her child to friend's weddings. I know it will be an inconvenience for people to come, and that this might be one of the reasons why, but I'm/we're okay with that.

Edited August 16, 2014 by Mangosong