Sadness At People Not Coming Who You Want There

[nadiakat17]

Hi everyone! How did you deal with the sadness when people you really wanted to come, said they couldn't make it? For me, I struggle with the people that should be able to (seem to have decent amounts of money, travel a lot) but decline. I know it is their decision. I also know that is time and money and is asking a lot. I picked having a destination wedding knowing this could happen. And I also know, that as long as I have my immediate family and FI there it will all be fine. One of my best friends told me she is not going to be able to come (this was about a year out) and it seemed like a very half hearted apology. The reason didn't even really make sense. If it was really about the money, I would pay for her room like I am doing for 5 other friends, but it sounds like she doesn't want to go. I guess since I'm the type of person who will do everything and anything for my friends, this really hit me hard. I made sure to save up and ask off many times (my job is hard to get vacation days) in order to make my other friends' destination wedding next month. Now I struggle even trying to act myself around the previously stated friend. I try not to take things personally, but I really wish she and some of our aunts and uncles could make it. 

[calgarybride2015]

It's really tough, but I think you just have to accept it and move on...

 

What I am finding, by reading this board, is that we can accept it and move on - but they can't!  They all start acting weird. I don't understand it whatsoever.

 

I have 2 no's that really struck  - one friend I have who travels 1-2 times a year, when she comes here to shop spends $2500 at the mall, etc.  She said no because she had no money, but then in the same breath asked if we could do something a couple months after. What!?  no, I just paid for my wedding and a honeymoon.  I got over it and we still talk so no foul.

 

The hard one - my bestfriend (or so I thought). I knew well beforehand she wouldn't be able to afford to go so we had started to see if we could afford to pay for her.  I had envisioned all the fun planning, late nights, drinking wine with her here in town and she just wouldn't come to Mexico with us.  I was going to ask her and her spouse to be our legal witnesses as we are marrying at home.  Well, the engagement came and went, and she has NEVER talked to me about my wedding.  This was back in April.  The relationship started to get strained, I was trying. I invited her to dress shop - she said she 'might have other plans'  so I said to come for a bit and she flat out ignored it.   Then I asked her for advise when I wanted to change my ring - she flat out ignored it. I didn't even get a chance to ask her to be in the wedding/apart of it somehow because she never once talked to me about it. So I finally called her out on it. I got this really lame excuse, I apologized, and I thought we had hashed it out to move forward.  I tried one last time. I asked her to be a part of planning the stagette as someone was asking for help and she said 'give them my number she can tell me what I need to do'   Um ya no, I don't think I want someone like this involved in my wedding. I want to surround myself with the people who are happy for me.

So basically no contact since May. She didn't wish me a happy birthday and I decided to cut all ties (deleted her on FB, and the like).  I have moved on.   If she comes around, it's too late now for me.  This is not how you treat your friends.

Edited August 15, 2014 by calgarybride2015

[nadiakat17]

Yeah, that is a tough one- like you, I didn't understand why my best friend didn't act more excited, or more disappointed when she said she couldn't go. We live in different states, I am not sure how much our friendship will stay intact. 

 

I don't understand why your friend couldn't even get it together to do any of the wedding stuff back at home. If she can't come you would think she would at least be excited at home

 

I have a hard time wrapping my head around people who say they can't come because of money when I see them out and about- one friend makes six figures and still isn't sure!

 

My other best friend (who I chose as my MOH) was almost not going to go, because her and her FI have very poor paying jobs, and her wedding is a few months after mine. But she is doing everything she can to come, because she would not miss it- I really appreciate having a friend like that. 

[carmor2]

My best friend is kind of in the same situation where her and her boyfriend are not financially in a great place but she has been putting aside money every month so she can come. They are expecting which will be her third child (second with him) and they are still both planning to be there.

 

Because it's so far away we haven't had any definite no or yes from anyone  yet, but I expect to see a few people's true colors come out closer to the wedding. You really only go to this type of wedding for people you Really care about. The night I got engaged (about twenty minutes after as all of my family from my mom's side was there) two of my aunties told me they and my uncles probably wouldn't be coming if we had a destination wedding... The funniest part was we were all in Mexico together and had all been in Mexico together another time a few years ago for a DW!

[calgarybride2015]

Yeah, that is a tough one- like you, I didn't understand why my best friend didn't act more excited, or more disappointed when she said she couldn't go. We live in different states, I am not sure how much our friendship will stay intact. 

 

I don't understand why your friend couldn't even get it together to do any of the wedding stuff back at home. If she can't come you would think she would at least be excited at home

 

I have a hard time wrapping my head around people who say they can't come because of money when I see them out and about- one friend makes six figures and still isn't sure!

 

My other best friend (who I chose as my MOH) was almost not going to go, because her and her FI have very poor paying jobs, and her wedding is a few months after mine. But she is doing everything she can to come, because she would not miss it- I really appreciate having a friend like that. 

Your MOH has a very valid excuse, and I am so happy for you that she is trying her darndest. That is what true friends do! I don't understand my friend either - everyone I have told my story to says that she is probably jealous but I am unsure of what?  The people who I thought would be over the moon happy and involved could care less and the ones who I never once thought would be are so involved, it's awesome. I am working hard to foster those relationships a lot more.  We are being a lot more social (always have been) but involving all the wedding people. Everyone is making new friends and it's been an exciting time. Well I think so anyways lol.   The same friend I vented about never even RSVP'd, I am just assuming she is not coming

 

 

My best friend is kind of in the same situation where her and her boyfriend are not financially in a great place but she has been putting aside money every month so she can come. They are expecting which will be her third child (second with him) and they are still both planning to be there.

 

Because it's so far away we haven't had any definite no or yes from anyone  yet, but I expect to see a few people's true colors come out closer to the wedding. You really only go to this type of wedding for people you Really care about. The night I got engaged (about twenty minutes after as all of my family from my mom's side was there) two of my aunties told me they and my uncles probably wouldn't be coming if we had a destination wedding... The funniest part was we were all in Mexico together and had all been in Mexico together another time a few years ago for a DW!

 

That would irk me, you were in Mexico at that time!! wow!!    I don't understand people.  Fiance's dad was pretty vocal and dug in his heals but he came to his senses (or didn't, but someone told him to suck it up).  Neither of us have been married before either, and they waited 40 years for him! haha!

 

I truly believe any lift event brings out true colors. Went thru some similar things when I had my twins almost 9 years ago. 

[acw271011]

It's a very difficult situation. And I've said before, we want everyone to be as happy about it all as we are. I mean really... beautiful beaches, tropical drinks, sunshine. What more could you ask for? And adding the romance of a wedding to all of that and it's almost magical. The tough part with friends is that you can get into jealousy too. And you may not even realize that's what it is. Then there are people that just plain out resent the fact that you're even asking them to spend money to attend your wedding. It's not that they don't have it, they just don't want to spend that much on you!!

 

There are just a myriad of reasons why some people won't attend, and some of them just stick in your craw. They're people that you think you can count on, or that you've gone out of your way for. Whatever it is, it just bites. But there isn't anything you can do about it, and sometimes you need to sleep on it for a couple of nights then wake up and realize that it is what it is.

 

When all of our plans fell apart, it nearly split my husband and I up after almost 10 years together. We argued about how people were behaving, or things that had been said. He finally put his foot down and said we're going ahead with the plans that we want and have worked for and screw everyone else. And walking down the aisle towards him, I realized that was what it was and should have been all about from the get go. I will say, when we walked into the restaurant where we had our little reception dinner, it hit home that we were all by ourselves and in a small way it made me angry. We had people that backed out only because others had, and they were afraid it was going to cost them more than what our group rate had been. In the end we got the last laugh. We had a great time in Jamaica, we got married the way we wanted to and we ended up paying $300 less per person than what the group rate was because we booked just 2 months before.

 

Sometimes I think in planning a wedding we lose sight of what the real idea of it is. Would I do it over if we could go back and have a few people there? Maybe. I'm not really sure. I know if we get lucky enough with circumstances that we can plan a vow renewal next year I hope the people that have said they want to go actually do go. After what happened with our wedding I'm not holding my breath. And if it means I again make the walk by myself towards the man that means more than anything in the world to me to say thank you to him for all his support over the last couple of years with all the hospital stays and doctor visits and everything we've beent through, then that's exactly what I'll do.

 

lol besides...... having people watching you is highly overrated!!

[carmor2]

@@calgarybride2015 My MIL actually wasn't very excited about us having a DW either. She couldn't afford to go, so we told her that we would absolutely be paying for her to go, then she didn't want to fly, we went through all the stats, etc. but she was still not interested. We had talked about it with her even before we were engaged and she said no. We decided to go ahead with it and we would include her in our legal wedding in Canada. After we got engaged she sounded a little less against a DW. We were engaged on Dec 25, 2013 and she ended up passing away on Jan 30, 2014. Around the time of her funeral we had quite a few different people tell us that she had told them that she would go as long as they went too so she wouldn't be so afraid on the plane. I know they said it to be sweet, but I'm not sure it's been any comfort to my FH or I. I always knew she would end up there some way or another, but it was really emotional to hear people say it.

[calgarybride2015]

@@calgarybride2015 My MIL actually wasn't very excited about us having a DW either. She couldn't afford to go, so we told her that we would absolutely be paying for her to go, then she didn't want to fly, we went through all the stats, etc. but she was still not interested. We had talked about it with her even before we were engaged and she said no. We decided to go ahead with it and we would include her in our legal wedding in Canada. After we got engaged she sounded a little less against a DW. We were engaged on Dec 25, 2013 and she ended up passing away on Jan 30, 2014. Around the time of her funeral we had quite a few different people tell us that she had told them that she would go as long as they went too so she wouldn't be so afraid on the plane. I know they said it to be sweet, but I'm not sure it's been any comfort to my FH or I. I always knew she would end up there some way or another, but it was really emotional to hear people say it.

 

Sorry to hear about your MIL!   Such extremes in what you are going thru right now, hugs!

[nadiakat17]

thank you for sharing these stories, they are very helpful to know that I am not the only one who tries not to get their feelings hurt about people coming and remind myself why I am doing this. 

 

@@acw271011 You're right, all that really matters is that my FI is there in the end and we get married. There is always another time when I can travel with friends and family

 

@@carmor2 I am sorry to hear about your MIL. I am glad that she was deciding to go in the end though, that must mean a lot.