Fiance's Father Not Coming To Our Wedding!

[NJBride2014]

Well my biggest fear for my fiance is coming true his father refuses to come to our wedding.  Let me just preface this with he is a tough man to get out of the house so when we started to plan our wedding we knew he was going to be a struggle to convince.  We have been planning our wedding for almost 2 years so he's had a long time to think about the trip and get himself ready for the trip but just today he sprung it on my fiance that he will not be going.  As our gift to his parents we purchased their flights and are paying a night stay for them so the trip is not costing them too much but that's not even the issue his father just doesn't want to go.  His father is a hermit and its hard to get him to even go out to dinner at times but we never thought he would go as far as to decide just flat out say no I don't feel like going to your wedding.  He does have health issues but its because he smokes and has all his life but its not any issue that will deter him from going he even went to the doctors and was cleared.  I just don't think he cares and doesn't want to go and that's the end of it for him.  So now we are stuck with his plane ticket and now his mother has no one to room with and we have to scramble to figure out who she can go with.  I feel bad because not only is he ruining it for my fiance he is ruining it for his wife my fiance's mother now she will be alone the whole weekend and will not not be able to share this with her husband like they both should. I'm so angry right now because this isn't the first time he has done this he didn't go to my fiance's college graduation and then his police academy graduation I just dont' get it.  Me personally I don't have a relationship with my father we haven't spoke in years but he does have a relationship and does so much for him always and for his own father to just not want to be there really angers me.  Not sure what we are going to do now but we need to figure it out our wedding is 2 and 1/2 months away and the booking deadline for our rooms is in 10 days so not too much time.  I hope he changes his mind and he sees just how hurtful he is being to his son and his wife but i'm afraid that they let him slide on missing so many important things in the past that he figures they'll get over it like every other time. Now we are out $500 for his ticket and I wish I could just give it to another family member who actually wants to come and could use the help but not sure our airline will let us transfer the ticket. Sorry for the long post but I just can't believe he sprung this up on us today.  

Edited June 30, 2014 by NJBride2014

[kmk2016]

Does he have an anxiety disorder? It sounds like it from your initial description of his behaviour. Could it be that over the last 2 years he was trying to convince himself that he could get on a plane, leave his house and be there for such an important event, but when the gravity of the situation became real (tickets purchased, date approaching etc), he just couldn't do it? Sometimes an actual psychological disorder could be masked as stubbornness, especially in that generation, because admitting he's terrified or unable to get past his fears is worse than just coming across as a grumpy old man.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Kerrierf]

What an unfortunate situation, especially since your fiance seems to have a strong relationship with his dad.  It sounds like his father could have a mental health issue with leaving the house, especially since he struggles with just leaving for dinner or a special celebration.  Perhaps a counsellor could help him prepare for your wedding?  They even have some that do it via teleconferencing so that it's more comfortable for their clients.

 

Good luck to you and your future husband, hopefully you'll be able to find a solution or a special way to include him even if he can't make it.

[NJBride2014]

I'm not a doctor but I don't think its anxiety he's flown before, has traveled all over the world and went on a cruise last year with his wife.  He's fine in social settings when he does go out its just the convincing him to actually do it.  He also went to his brother's wedding 2 years ago with no problem I mean there is always the initial having to talk him into doing something before he finally agrees to go so when we talked about him coming he was all for it hence why went ahead and bought the tickets. Its just now that he decided so last minute that he doesn't feel like going he can be very paranoid at times but that's more just his personality.  Up until last week he was ok with going and now he says just doesn't feel like going like that is a good enough excuse.

 

I actually have  great relationship with his father too we get along great but its always a struggle to get him to do stuff.  Sometimes its like convincing a kid we have to talk it up or give him something special just for joining us.  I don't know its just a little exhausting I guess I just don't get not wanting to be there if there is no real issue holding you back.    

Edited June 30, 2014 by NJBride2014

[kmk2016]

It definitely sounds like mental illness is at play here... I hope that he can figure out a way to come without being pushed so far to climb out of his current comfort zone. Maybe without feeling the pressure from everyone, and just he and his wife.. they can talk and figure out a way for him to attend.

 

 

GOOD LUCK!!!!

[NJBride2014]

Actually I've always told my fiance his father is too paranoid and he agrees but that's his father and we learn to deal with it and adapt.  But now that seems to be the problem no one has ever really addressed the issue with him.  Our wedding is going to be small and mostly family so he's going to be in good company and it should be a relaxed experience for him but he still just doesn't "feel" like going.  This is just one less thing I needed to worry about while I'm still planning the wedding.  My fiance and his mom are angry at him but at this point what can we do he is who he is.  Just wish it were different. 

[acw271011]

It sounds to me like he is looking for attention. If he always has to be convinced to actually get there, but does have a good time one he is, it sounds to me like he wants everyone to reassure him that they want him there, or the attention from everyone trying to convince him. Older people can be quite set in their ways. My MIL is sort of like that. Trying to get her out of the house sometimes is like pulling teeth! Yes - she's a home body but once you convince her to get somewhere, she enjoys it. She doesn't even do her shopping. She lets my FIL do it. She likes to just stay at home. And that's what she says too - she just doesn't "feel" like going.

 

Just think how it would feel to you if a whole lot of people were all over you trying to get you to go somewhere. Wouldn't you feel special? Sounds to me like your FFIL enjoys the chase of getting him to go somewhere. But hey - if that's what it takes, go for it. If none of the attention has been focussed around him during all the planning, that may be why he up and decided he didn't want to go.

 

I would check with your airline. If you absolutely can't get him to go, sometimes if you have to cancel a ticket it can be used for future travel. May be worth looking into.

 

Good luck!

[NJBride2014]

It sounds to me like he is looking for attention. If he always has to be convinced to actually get there, but does have a good time one he is, it sounds to me like he wants everyone to reassure him that they want him there, or the attention from everyone trying to convince him. Older people can be quite set in their ways. My MIL is sort of like that. Trying to get her out of the house sometimes is like pulling teeth! Yes - she's a home body but once you convince her to get somewhere, she enjoys it. She doesn't even do her shopping. She lets my FIL do it. She likes to just stay at home. And that's what she says too - she just doesn't "feel" like going.

 

Just think how it would feel to you if a whole lot of people were all over you trying to get you to go somewhere. Wouldn't you feel special? Sounds to me like your FFIL enjoys the chase of getting him to go somewhere. But hey - if that's what it takes, go for it. If none of the attention has been focussed around him during all the planning, that may be why he up and decided he didn't want to go.

 

I would check with your airline. If you absolutely can't get him to go, sometimes if you have to cancel a ticket it can be used for future travel. May be worth looking into.

 

Good luck!

I agree with everything you wrote, he actually ends up having a good time when you finally get him to go somewhere and yes he does love the attention.  The part that really gets me mad where I don't want to deal with him is he didn't even apologize for deciding not to come.  He just says I don't "feel" like it and end of story the least he could do was say i'm sorry I'm going to miss it and sorry for the hassle with the ticket but again nothing because everyone just takes his behavior and looks the other way.  I tried calling United to see what I can do with the ticket we already paid for but its a loss its a non refundable/ non transferable ticket.  I can cancel the trip and then get a credit for it but the credit can only be used by him since its in his name and but he will never use it.  I feel like asking him to reimburse us but I'll let my fiance handle this with his father.  Sucks to let a flight go to waste when I have family who could use the help I would have gladly given them the ticket.  

[MrsRoy]

Mental health illness isn't so cut and dry.

 

I truly don't think he is doing this with malicious intent.

The brain is a crazy and complicated organ. He needs help to deal with his issues and altho yea it sucks he's not coming and you're out $500, it really goes deeper that the "grumpy old man" syndrome you described.

Edited July 3, 2014 by MrsRoy

[Mandiesue]

My mother-in-law to be has never flown and is not coming to our wedding next year. My father-in-law to be wouldn't miss it for the world. We told her we understood her decision and then we let it go. We have realized that its our day and the people who are truly happy for us and want to experience it with us will come; the others will support us from afar. You have a right to be upset but in my opinion you have to let it go... even though it hurts. I included my mother-in-law in the wedding planning and dress shopping the other day. She has had a great time and I hope that she will change her mind as it gets closer... My father-in-law has made his reservation for him alone.. I don't think she was happy with him but thats for them to work out...

 

Good Luck. I wish you the best!