Vacation Vs Best Friend's Wedding

[BethanyW]

My best friend got engaged in January, and I'm thrilled for her and her new fiancé.  As long as we have been friends I have dreamed of the day I'd be lucky enough to stand beside her as MOH on her special day.  (I think it's important to note I am one of two MOH for this wedding. She has two best friends and we have both been asked and accepted)

 

She is looking into booking venues for this year, through the summer months and into the fall.  She amazingly found one venue (which she loves) with an opening, but she hasn't booked it yet.  I guess she has had a very difficult time trying to find a place she loves with any availability for this year, although there are other options, which are more expensive.

 

So now here comes my problem, I will be out of the country on the same date the venue is available. I have a very expensive trip planned, a trip I planned for, saved for, and booked 6 months ago. The trip includes non-refundable deposits on two resorts, and plane tickets already purchased. The location we are traveling to is in high demand, and completely booked already (which is why I booked over a year in advance of our vacation to be sure they had availability). The bride has known about this vacation since before she and her fiancé were engaged (4 months before)  So now she has asked me to change my vacation for her wedding, and I'm not sure what to do?

 

I could understand if I was travelling locally or wouldn't be loosing A LOT of money I'd already deposited or used for the plane tickets?  This was a very calculated vacation.  We saved for a VERY long time to make it happen.  I researched our destination to find out exactly where we wanted to stay.  I coordinated time off with our work schedules, and coordinated 3 flights each way to get the best deal and times to make everything perfect.

 

I'm having a difficult time deciding the best way to approach the situation. I will be devastated if I can't attend her wedding and stand beside her on the big day, on the other hand I sort of can't believe she has asked me to make the changes/cancellations. I understand that weddings are amazing important "once in a lifetime" events. But this vacation for me and my bf is really the same amazing important "once in a lifetime" event that we planned for ourselves.

 

I have already contacted both resorts in an attempt to see if there is any wiggle room for our dates.  So far they have nothing available but will let me know if there are any cancellations, and there would have to be cancellations at BOTH places that match up.  So it seems impossible for this to happen. (I will then have to pay extra to change 6 different flights with 3 separate airlines)  I have also told her that I completely understand if she decides to have the wedding when I can't be there.  It's her and her fiancé's day and I DO NOT want to stand in the way of her having her dream wedding. 

 

So we are at a stand still.  My feelings are if she really wants me to be there, pick a different date.  She is not financially invested or obligated in any way yet.  Or continue with that date and know that I can't loose out on my investment.  I believe she assumes (even though I've told her otherwise) that if she picks that date I will cancel/modify my trip.

 

Thoughts? Suggestions?  Anyone had anything similar happen? Help!!!

[NJBride2014]

My best friend got engaged in January, and I'm thrilled for her and her new fiancé.  As long as we have been friends I have dreamed of the day I'd be lucky enough to stand beside her as MOH on her special day.  (I think it's important to note I am one of two MOH for this wedding. She has two best friends and we have both been asked and accepted)

 

She is looking into booking venues for this year, through the summer months and into the fall.  She amazingly found one venue (which she loves) with an opening, but she hasn't booked it yet.  I guess she has had a very difficult time trying to find a place she loves with any availability for this year, although there are other options, which are more expensive.

 

So now here comes my problem, I will be out of the country on the same date the venue is available. I have a very expensive trip planned, a trip I planned for, saved for, and booked 6 months ago. The trip includes non-refundable deposits on two resorts, and plane tickets already purchased. The location we are traveling to is in high demand, and completely booked already (which is why I booked over a year in advance of our vacation to be sure they had availability). The bride has known about this vacation since before she and her fiancé were engaged (4 months before)  So now she has asked me to change my vacation for her wedding, and I'm not sure what to do?

 

I could understand if I was travelling locally or wouldn't be loosing A LOT of money I'd already deposited or used for the plane tickets?  This was a very calculated vacation.  We saved for a VERY long time to make it happen.  I researched our destination to find out exactly where we wanted to stay.  I coordinated time off with our work schedules, and coordinated 3 flights each way to get the best deal and times to make everything perfect.

 

I'm having a difficult time deciding the best way to approach the situation. I will be devastated if I can't attend her wedding and stand beside her on the big day, on the other hand I sort of can't believe she has asked me to make the changes/cancellations. I understand that weddings are amazing important "once in a lifetime" events. But this vacation for me and my bf is really the same amazing important "once in a lifetime" event that we planned for ourselves.

 

I have already contacted both resorts in an attempt to see if there is any wiggle room for our dates.  So far they have nothing available but will let me know if there are any cancellations, and there would have to be cancellations at BOTH places that match up.  So it seems impossible for this to happen. (I will then have to pay extra to change 6 different flights with 3 separate airlines)  I have also told her that I completely understand if she decides to have the wedding when I can't be there.  It's her and her fiancé's day and I DO NOT want to stand in the way of her having her dream wedding. 

 

So we are at a stand still.  My feelings are if she really wants me to be there, pick a different date.  She is not financially invested or obligated in any way yet.  Or continue with that date and know that I can't loose out on my investment.  I believe she assumes (even though I've told her otherwise) that if she picks that date I will cancel/modify my trip.

 

Thoughts? Suggestions?  Anyone had anything similar happen? Help!!!

 

Wow this is a tough one, in one hand I understand that you have vacation planned and in no way should you have to change it since you did plan it before she started her wedding planning. In the other hand I understand her not wanting to give up the venue if there aren't many dates available.  I say tell her firmly you plan on taking your trip and do not plan to change your dates then she can do what she wants with that information.  Either she can decide to book the venue anyway knowing you won't be there and at least she knew upfront about you not attending or she can start looking into other places and dates.  The only thing with her looking at other venues and dates is are you a hundred percent sure that if she does look at other venues and dates and is trying her best to pick dates in which you can come will you definitely come?  Brides will change venues and dates for guests and then the guests they tried to accommodate end up not being able to come anyway which sucks for the bride because now she is catering to everyone else and lost the place and date she really wanted.  Not saying that you will do this to her but just know that she will also be sacrificing her dream wedding by changing venue/date and then you still can't make it for some reason.  I know that when I started planning my wedding I ran into the issue of picking the right date and venue to accommodate everyone but I was never able to please every guests so we went with what worked for us and understood that some people would not be able to make it.  That's just the attitude that you have to go with when planning a destination wedding sometimes it doesn't work for everyone.  

 

In your situation I see that you really feel bad and would love to be there for her but if she does pick this venue and date and you can't make that doesn't mean you can't help her and be supportive throughout the wedding planning.  You also said she has another MOH so she will have someone there by her side to help.  I asked my best friend of 30 years to be in my wedding as a bridesmaids a year and half before my wedding and she didn't reply to me until 7 months after I asked her saying that she wasn't sure she could do it.  She ignored me and made up excuses for not responding and handled everything wrong and now our relationship is strained because of it.  I would have understood totally if she couldn't make it for whatever reason, it was the way she handled it and by not being upfront with me and treating me like my feelings and wedding didn't matter that hurt the most.  At least with you I can see that you are trying your hardest to be there for her.  Good luck with whatever you guys do.  In the end hopefully whatever you guys choose to do remember to keep the friendship it tact. I hope I helped a little. 

Edited February 14, 2014 by NJBride2014

[rvalenka]

My best friend got engaged in January, and I'm thrilled for her and her new fiancé. As long as we have been friends I have dreamed of the day I'd be lucky enough to stand beside her as MOH on her special day. (I think it's important to note I am one of two MOH for this wedding. She has two best friends and we have both been asked and accepted)

 

She is looking into booking venues for this year, through the summer months and into the fall. She amazingly found one venue (which she loves) with an opening, but she hasn't booked it yet. I guess she has had a very difficult time trying to find a place she loves with any availability for this year, although there are other options, which are more expensive.

 

So now here comes my problem, I will be out of the country on the same date the venue is available. I have a very expensive trip planned, a trip I planned for, saved for, and booked 6 months ago. The trip includes non-refundable deposits on two resorts, and plane tickets already purchased. The location we are traveling to is in high demand, and completely booked already (which is why I booked over a year in advance of our vacation to be sure they had availability). The bride has known about this vacation since before she and her fiancé were engaged (4 months before) So now she has asked me to change my vacation for her wedding, and I'm not sure what to do?

 

I could understand if I was travelling locally or wouldn't be loosing A LOT of money I'd already deposited or used for the plane tickets? This was a very calculated vacation. We saved for a VERY long time to make it happen. I researched our destination to find out exactly where we wanted to stay. I coordinated time off with our work schedules, and coordinated 3 flights each way to get the best deal and times to make everything perfect.

 

I'm having a difficult time deciding the best way to approach the situation. I will be devastated if I can't attend her wedding and stand beside her on the big day, on the other hand I sort of can't believe she has asked me to make the changes/cancellations. I understand that weddings are amazing important "once in a lifetime" events. But this vacation for me and my bf is really the same amazing important "once in a lifetime" event that we planned for ourselves.

 

I have already contacted both resorts in an attempt to see if there is any wiggle room for our dates. So far they have nothing available but will let me know if there are any cancellations, and there would have to be cancellations at BOTH places that match up. So it seems impossible for this to happen. (I will then have to pay extra to change 6 different flights with 3 separate airlines) I have also told her that I completely understand if she decides to have the wedding when I can't be there. It's her and her fiancé's day and I DO NOT want to stand in the way of her having her dream wedding.

 

So we are at a stand still. My feelings are if she really wants me to be there, pick a different date. She is not financially invested or obligated in any way yet. Or continue with that date and know that I can't loose out on my investment. I believe she assumes (even though I've told her otherwise) that if she picks that date I will cancel/modify my trip.

 

Thoughts? Suggestions? Anyone had anything similar happen? Help!!!

BethanyW I agree with exactly what the poster said above me. You need to go on your dream vacation. It's important to you and I should be! Tell your friend that you would really love to be in her wedding but this trip can't be changed. Tell her you don't expect her to change her date but that you would love to be there. Tell her no matter what date she chooses you will there for her through the process even if you can't be there on her day. I would understand if I was her.

Good Luck!

 

 

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[acw271011]

Have to agree with the other ladies. Even bffs can be selfish when all of a sudden there is a wedding involved. But with all the planning and expense involved with your trip, I have to say go! Why the urgency with her wedding? Can she not wait until next year? She would have a better selection of dates if she did. Definitely what you have planned is too important for you to give it up and no friend, bff or otherwise, should expect you to. If she is truly your friend she will understand! Good luck!

[csho]

I also agree with everyone who has posted above. I have to be honest, I can't believe that she even asked you to change your trip that she knew you had already planned for? Whether or not its a big expensive vacation it was something you had already planned and paid for. I would most definitely go on this trip. I understand you want to be there for your friend, but think about what if it were the other way, would she give up her dream trip for your wedding if they interfered, especially after you had already known that she had planned the trip? I think you should tell her, that you do not plan to change your plans and then she can go ahead and decide whats more important to her, you being there or the date and venue. With that said I completely agree with @@NJBride2014 if she does change her date and venue to accommodate you, you need to make sure that you will 100% be there. its really a crummy situation but yes weddings are important, but at the end of the day weather you're a bride or not, you need to look out for yourself and do whats best for you.

 

I've just seen so many times brides on here talk about how often they gave up and sacrificed things for their friends weddings and then when it came down to their wedding, their friends weren't willing to do the same, and I'd just be worried that this could end up being the case. It may not be the case now or even a few years from now, but at some point I think you'd really regret giving up your dream vacation for your friends wedding (maybe not, but I think I would).

 

Anyway good luck with your decision!

[BethanyW]

Thanks for the perspective ladies, it is much appreciated.  NJBride2014, very insightful with the idea that even if she changed the date, I might still not be able to attend!  I never even thought about that.  However, I would move mountains to be there on any other date and I will be sure she knows that as well. 

 

Also love the idea you girls suggested of being there through the WHOLE PROCESS, the bachelorette, the shower, etc.  Great idea. 

 

acw271011, I really don't know why there is such a rush, and I have tried to inquire about that as well.  I think she is very excited and has just been caught up in the whirlwind of it all. 

 

Its so frustrating when something so joyous becomes a source of stress.  Keeping our friendship intact is my number one goal.  Thanks again all!

[Sapphire723]

Oh my goodness!  This is a very tough one.  I think if you explain to your friend exactly what you told us, she should understand.  Be sure to reiterate that you would change your trip if you could do so without severe financial penalties, and explain to her that you already tried to change your trip.  Tell her that although you really want to support her on her big day that you fully understand if she has it when you can't attend.  Just be honest and upfront, and hopefully everything will work out!

[Kardev]

I agree with all the other posts. Don't cancel your trip and help her with whatever you can. Good luck and have a great vacation.

[CurlyKristen]

My bestfriend won't come to my wedding because we are having it in Mexico. She is too scared that she is going to be robed, taken hostage, or whatever else. My heart was broken for months over it. And since she told me she wasn't coming she has had no part of any of the planning and has barely talked to me.

[kellymiller]

I agree as well. It is asking a lot for you to cancel your plans to attend her wedding. That is one of the risks of destination weddings...not having everyone you want there and your friend should understand that!